Lazy dd doing minimum work

[Member786495]

Dd16 is more than capable of 6/7s for her GCSEs but is doing not a jot of revision at home. Predictably she’s now looking at 4/5s.

Her lack of drive is killing me and I need some perspective.

Aibu to keep on at her, driving her mad and possibly stressing her out, just for the sake of some higher grades? Or should I persevere safe in the knowledge that it’ll all be over in 2 months and she’ll be grateful in August.

I’ve tried reasoning, bribing, bought every guide available and past papers and even worked out schedules with her which are ignored. She’s too tired, and ‘doesn’t want to’.

Shall I just give up and leave her to it?

Ha! cross-post LegMeChicken

Honestly I think GCSEs are pretty important for progressing to next level and also in job applications.

However I don't think there is much you can do. You cannot force a 16 year old to work hard, you can only put things in place to enable her success. This could look like a desk in room, quiet time and space to work, encouragement and praise, treats for working hard. You can explain to her that the exams are important for her future and inspire her by saying if you get x grade you could go on to do this cool job.

But if she doesn't want to do it, that's on her.

fab crosspoint @DogandMog. Thank you

GCSEs rarely mean anything these days. As long as she passes at a 4 or above, she'll likely do just as well as her peers achieving higher grades.

@Daffodilz

I'm also the owner of one of these lazy 2006 models. It would rather play on the PS5 than do any blinking work. I think August will be hard.

I worked my ass off.

Me too! I swear mine is too lazy to think sometimes

'Mum, what month is it?'

[quote Member786495]@GinInATina yes we had a tutor but she just stopped going...

Has no real idea of what she wants to do post 18, which makes it more difficult. Has been exposed to a whole manner of opportunities and experiences, and is funny, engaging and can be charming.
Just lazy too.

It seems the consensus is to leave her be.[/quote]
To be honest, in my experience, people who are "funny, engaging and charming" get much further in all areas of the life than the nervous little bookworms.

@Lacedwithgrace

GCSEs rarely mean anything these days. As long as she passes at a 4 or above, she'll likely do just as well as her peers achieving higher grades.

That's really not true. Most colleges have minimum requirements for A levels and specific subjects need higher grades. So only getting 4s when she is capable of more unnecessarily closes doors. GCSEs aren't the be all and end all, but passing them to the best of her capability keeps options open.

Someone else may have asked this but what is she doing when she should be studying? Social media etc?

I have a load of nieces and nephews this age and also teach 18-19 year olds and a huge number of them are academically able but also semi professional time wasters. My 21 year old niece can easily spend ten hours a day on her phone doing zero activities with any productivity (ie she is not busy creating an online business or doing research, she is watching make up tutorials and learning tik tok dances). But she is enabled in her behaviour by my brother and his wife who allow her to live at home rent free, bill free, doesn’t even pay for her own food. I see a lot of my students like this, who struggle with motivation and put in minimum work but who also have parents who do their food shopping for them online and have it delivered to their door for them and send them vouchers for just eat so that they don’t have to do any cooking, and who bail them out left right and centre.

I’m aware I’m sounding very old fashioned. But in my opinion it’s not about how much you go on at them to study. It’s about how much they are allowed to live a life free of responsibility and consequences more generally. Does she do chores? Have a part time job? Have any sort of drive or motivation or requirement to DO anything more generally? Hobbies or interests that she works hard at? If the answer to these is no then the lack of studying is symptomatic of a broader problem.

My DD’s choice for A levels need 6 x 6s (high B) and specify grades in some subjects too, I know history needs a 6 to take it at A level think Maths may be a 7. Someone with 4 x 4s would usually not usually be suited to or accepted on A level courses (obviously exceptions a local college took some from a school on lower grades as school was inadequate/now closed and they hadn’t been taught)
Is she automatically going down A levels as that what siblings have done. I’d have a chat at Easter she must have some idea of future.

I've given up with mine. At the end of the day there are things I'm more worried about than whether she gets a 5 or a 6.

As long as she gets enough to get onto the college course she wants to do then it doesn't really matter. Obviously I'd love her to work harder and get 7s and 8s but I'm not willing to be the bad guy any more than I already am. It's her life. She's now realised she needs to work at maths because if she doesn't pass she won't get on the course she needs. I'm hoping when she's studying something she's really interested in she'll work harder at it.

@TieBack

sashh, public sector here and I not only had to state my GCSE grades, I had to provide the certificates.

Do you have any higher qualifications? I'm genuinely not being snooty. It's just that my experience has been that once I had A-levels nobody was interested in my GCSEs and once I had a degree nobody was interested in my A levels. The fact you have a degree proves you must have got adequate gcses and a-levels, or you wouldn't have been accepted onto the course. In fact I don't think I've ever been asked for my degree certificate for a job app.

Yes, savehannah professional qualifications and two masters degrees.

I have had to produce certificates to show my O level passes in certain subjects to train to be a teacher. Not for anything else tho, and they only needed to be a pass.

Disagree with pp saying GCSE grades are not important - they are. It depends what you want to do next but higher grades will keep more doors open. If your grades are lower, you are not a failure nor are you doomed, but most sixth firms want 6 in chosen A level subjects and many unis want that sort of grade as well - or at least, may look at GCSE grades for a competitive course. So you need to do as well as you can.

Sorry OP I don't have any good answers fir you sadly. But you may need to step back and leave her to it.

I think you need to sit down with her with a big sheet of paper and play a game called "play that movie to the end."

She needs to consider two options: one is that she carries on the way she is, has to resit her exams, has to be in with a new group of people, can't resit her strongest exams, is in a class with people who are messing around. She will be watching her friends go to do A-levels or BTECs and make new friends and start their adult lives.

The second route is where she does some work, joins those friends at sixth form and can get onto better apprenticeships or a degree course.

What I used to tell my students though is to think of that moment when you open your results. How does she want to feel in that moment?

In my (limited) experience, once I had a higher qualification, proving grades at previous levels was not needed; luckily for me, as my teacher training college mislaid my A-level certificate! I had to forward it to confirm that I had reached my predicted grades (pre-internet) before I took up my place, and never saw it again. And the school at which I gained them no longer exists..... but I have higher qualifications, so it doesn't seem to matter. I can only guess that it's relevant in very particular study or employment circumstances.
However, that's some way ahead. As you have older DC, you will know that GCSE to A-level is a jump; I found this although I had good grades and was studying the subjects I loved. A grade which indicates just scraping by, unless there are very good reasons, does not augur well for moving on to more demanding work, and the VIth form or college may not want to put a pupil on a course which is too much for them, or more cynically, will bring in results which do not reflect well in the league tables.

Even if she won't I suggest you research Plan Bs, so that if on results day she doesn't have enough for A levels (has she applied to college for them?) you have an idea what options there are.

This.

I'm worried about two of mine and lack of work and attitide - one doing AS levels on back of covid GCSEs she's a bit demotiavted - have to see how it goes. She does have long term plans but there is a tendancy t think it will all be fine - and it will just might not go as she wishes if she doesn't kuckle down. If it's shit then it should be easy enough for her to restart next year - but hoepfully it's just the one subject which she plans to drop for next year and if no better Uni probably a bad idea anyway - and we'll have to re-think.

DS - is Y10 - unfortunately he's finishing one GCSE this year - and teachers been off since Christmas - and most of the other subject have GCSE exams in in next few weeks ranging some having up to 50% of marks. If they got tits up will be hard to get decent marks with just next years exams - and I don't think this has been conveyed to them very clearly.

If they're willing to sit down and get help that's one thing - otherwise it's finding useful site buying books hoping they use them and being there if they do fall.

[quote Member786495]@Fireflygal she was going to stay on for As but hates school so is probably going to go to college and do them there.
She should get good enough grades, especially as the govt is looking at being generous with grade boundaries, so I probably am raising my blood pressure for nothing.

It’s just that even now in my 50s I have to put my grades on to CVs, and the idea of grades that don’t reflect her ability following her around makes me sad.[/quote]
My husband is 40 this year.

He left school with zero GCSEs.

He is in a decent, full time job which brings home a good wage. He went on to get vocational qualifications when the time was right for him.

There is more than one path in life.

OP, my dh could have written your post!! Our Ds is doing GCSEs and no revision beyond homework or work for his tutor. Quite often he does nothing in an evening. I have tried to tell dh that the more he nags, the less motivated Ds is as it becomes about putting back against Dad rather than doing well for himself. I have her chats with him which generally worj for a while, usually trying to make him think things through. Eg. How do you feel you're doing in Maths? Are you confident you can get the 7 for A levels Maths/ physics that you want? What will you do if you don't get the 7? To be honest, when I have general chats about how he's feeling, his mental health etc. he often starts talking on his own about getting stuff done, planning revision etc. It's just the nagging and forcing which has an adverse effect on him. Keep being supportive and encouraging (I know you can do well, you just need to try your best, what can I do to help? etc). Ultimately if they need to fail to learn then they will and it won't be the end of the world if they go a different route.

I'm 61, i remember the last 6 months at school . Being constantly nagged by the teachers.
Every bloody lesson. Up until then I quite enjoyed school. My parents didn't nag a lot but were obviously keen for me to do well. I didn't do to badly, possibly could have done better.
What I'm trying to say is , you can nag too much. It can have the opposite effect.

Sometimes you have to let them be, and if the worst comes to the worst they will have to resit their exams. I know it's hard to sit back though!

I do think pressure at school must be immense. DD says teachers are in full blown panic as they haven’t taught all syllabus and they are down to literally a handful of lessons in some lessons eg due to Easter and May early bank holiday they are missing the next 4 out of 5 Mondays. Extra compulsory revision meaning no lunch breaks etc. I think back off and sensible chat over Easter to firm up plan A and B options for September.

My DD is academic but is thoroughly over school. I recall being same in 5th year. They are too big for too small a pond and ready to
move on which is no bad thing.

I am in a similar position with my son. He has an older cousin who has a nice car and his own flat. I tell my son that cousin can afford these things because he worked hard at school, went to Uni and got a good job. I have pointed out that a good education gives you choices, that he could not afford a house on the minimum wage where we live, or a car, or nice holidays. Even if your daughter doesn't know what she wants to do after leaving school, a good set of GCSEs will ensure that no options are blocked due to poor results. My son dislikes one particular subject so I bought him a calendar so he can count down the weeks and see that he won't be studying that subject after mid June when his exams are over. I agree with the previous poster - get her to imagine how she is feeling on results day. Is she happy she put the effort in or is she full of regrets?

Ok so it’s the first proper day of her holiday. She didn’t open a book over the weekend but still had to nag incessantly for her to eventually slope off and do 10mins of PE

Reason doesn’t work, nor does bribery. I offered her £50 for 4 days of 3 hours without her phone. She turned it down.
Just spends hours scrolling.
I can hear you saying ‘you’re the parent, take her phone away’. And I so want to, but it will cause such a bad attitude that she won’t work anyway.

She just wants to sleep, and party, and look at her phone, and do the tiniest bit of work that those teachers who could be bothered have actually set.

And breathe.

I'd suggest nagging her about English and Maths - she does need the grade 4 (and preferably 5) in those. And she might be asked to produce the certificates for them in her 40s, as I was, despite having A levels, a degree, a Masters and a post-grad diploma!

But the rest doesn't matter as long as she gets enough to move onto college.

It might be reassuring to know that my ds did very little revision for GCSEs at home, the school did loads of revision sessions and that seemed to do the trick. I didn't do much revision for GCSE either.

Hi OP. I am in a v similar situation with DS16. V similar original grade predictions and now lower grades too. I dont have any real advice. Sometimes they have to learn the hard way