Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If having kids is so awful, why do we do it?

301 replies

Lilybow · 27/03/2022 12:36

Pregnant with my first and in my third trimester. The majority of things other mums tell me are:

"You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here"
"You and your husband will never go out together alone again"
"Your social life is gone"
"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself"
"Hardest thing you'll ever do"
"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that"

I'm not under any illusions that parenthood will be easy, and i know my life will change, but I'll be honest I'm pretty terrified as apart from the occasional "oh how exciting" comment, people keep telling me how hard/boring/exhausting it is and how my life is over.
I need some reassurance that my life isn't over and it's not that horrific.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 27/03/2022 16:21

Don’t listen OP, motherhood is awesome, truly the best thing I have ever done, being a mum to my two (now adult) DS’, it helped that I had a truly, awesome MIL that supported us so much, when they were little, DH & I still had date nights. Enjoy.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 27/03/2022 16:22

"Why do we have them? Because we biologically and socially want them. Because life without them is pretty dull after a while."
I'm childfree by choice and dont recognise this at all. I'm late 30s and have a fabulous life. Some of friends' children are 10 years old now, so they're already half way through the main stretch of parenthood. All they ever describe is being on something akin to a treadmill.

MurmuratingStarling · 27/03/2022 16:22

@Lilybow

Having kids ISN'T 'so awful.' Hmm Really pisses me off when people say nasty negative shit when you're pregnant. Made me feel like saying 'just coz it was shit for you, don't assume it will be the same for everyone.' A few people were really fucking horrible, and terribly negative. Some people were nice, and positive, but some were very negative. I pitied them actually.

Some people are just very negative and miserable people. No wonder their kids didn't behave for them/didn't like them ... Wink

Becoming a mother was/the the best thing that ever happened to me. I know this wont go down well with some, but I actually feel a bit sorry for women who don't have children. I can't imagine a life without mine. Becoming a mother made me a better person.

MumsMetHer · 27/03/2022 16:22

It is hard, and the first 6 weeks are especially exhausting, but...

One of the best things I've ever done and I wouldn't change having children for the world. Only way I'd change it is to have them earlier, and have more of them.

Yes, it's often tough, but you're in for SO much joy!

MurmuratingStarling · 27/03/2022 16:23

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem

"Why do we have them? Because we biologically and socially want them. Because life without them is pretty dull after a while." I'm childfree by choice and dont recognise this at all. I'm late 30s and have a fabulous life. Some of friends' children are 10 years old now, so they're already half way through the main stretch of parenthood. All they ever describe is being on something akin to a treadmill.
All they ever describe is being on something akin to a treadmill.

They're probably saying that to make you feel better tbf.

DinaofCloud9 · 27/03/2022 16:24

I've loved having my children. It's been easier than what I imagined and they are the best thing that's happened to me. They're 18 and 15 now and it goes by in a flash so enjoy it and realise that the hard times don't last forever.

sweetbellyhigh · 27/03/2022 16:26

It's not very cool of your friends to be so negative about parenting given your situation, they sound like dicks.

There is only one right thing to say and that's congratulations, how exciting, how are you feeling about it all?

But a lot of people are devoid of social skills so yeah.

Everyone's experience of parenting is different and you may have a dream baby and a magical time. I did.

glittereyelash · 27/03/2022 16:26

A lot will depend on your individual experiences of childbirth, what temperament your child has, how helpful your partner is, how much support you have. Its a mixed bag you will be on top of the world at times and absolute rock bottom at other points.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 27/03/2022 16:27

I had insomnia when I was pregnant, I actually slept much better once ds was born. I have loved being a mum, it's not easy but it's brilliant

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 27/03/2022 16:28

"I actually feel a bit sorry for women who don't have children. I can't imagine a life without mine. Becoming a mother made me a better person."
Have you never thought that although YOU needed kids to be better person, maybe others can achieve that personal growth all on their own, without them?
And it might be worth considering if pitying how other people live is the action of a good person.

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 27/03/2022 16:29

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 27/03/2022 16:30

@MurmuratingStarling nope, it's just how they come across, generally, when they're chatting about the (to them) mundanity of their routines.

RealBecca · 27/03/2022 16:32

I thought I knew tiredness in pregnancy but then I had kids. My body adjusted to coping with 3 hours a night for months. I still felt exhausted though.

All anyone told me was how exciting it was. And it was. But it was a shock when I was exhausted and suffered PND and noone had warned me and I felt alone and not normal.

Appreciate it because those are the people who will understand your exhaustion.

AliceMcK · 27/03/2022 16:34

We live in a world of non stop whining and complaining and o everyone feel sorry for me, I’ve got it harder than everyone else competitiveness. Personally for me I love every single moment of motherhood, even the late night vomiting and diarrhoea sessions, temper tantrum’s (although I’ve been lucky they have been few and far between) have not changed that. There are hard moments and it dose change your life, but I knew that before I had DCs and accepted that. I would not change a thing about having children they are worth absolutely everything to me.

Beamur · 27/03/2022 16:34

Best thing I have ever done. Not the easiest but by far the most fun and rewarding.

Speakingmymind · 27/03/2022 16:39

Lol I hope that’s sarcasm. Having kids is no guarantee you won’t be alone in your old age

Never mentioned guarantee

MurmuratingStarling · 27/03/2022 16:39

@DinaofCloud9

I've loved having my children. It's been easier than what I imagined and they are the best thing that's happened to me. They're 18 and 15 now and it goes by in a flash so enjoy it and realise that the hard times don't last forever.
Yep! ^

Mine are grown now, and they're just amazing! We're best friends, and have so much fun together Smile I have DH and my friends of course, but there is something about a relationship between a mother and a child (even an adult 'child') that is so amazing and special that it cannot be explained.

My DC filled a void in my life that I didn't know was there, and makes me feel love I didn't know I was capable of.

IDGAF how cheesy that sounds!

RoastedFerret · 27/03/2022 16:44

@DinaofCloud9

I've loved having my children. It's been easier than what I imagined and they are the best thing that's happened to me. They're 18 and 15 now and it goes by in a flash so enjoy it and realise that the hard times don't last forever.
Same here. Really didn't feel the tiredness that everyone harks on about, loved night feeds when it was just me and them. I'm really glad I'm a parent. I have a few years left(2 teens now) and will be sad but ready to do things just dh and I when they fly the nest.

I never really talk about it to people in real life though because I don't want to be insensitive to people that struggle and be like oh actually I found it quite easy and natural I don't know what you are talking about.

BrokenRecords · 27/03/2022 16:44

You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here" - you magically get through it and all babies are different some even sleep through the night

"You and your husband will never go out together alone again"

Urmmm family , friends , baby sitters. Even if you are breastfeeding you can pump and if you can't get enough just allow your baby some formula for the night
"Your social life is gone"
Your social life has changed and you will meet loads of mums if you take the baby to groups and truest me you won't want to go out on a night out all the time you will want to go with other mums on play dates and to their houses and fun days out instead your mindset just changed

"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself"
Yeah and you will love how much you baby needs you and yes you may need five minutes so your husband can help you and if not you find ways get the baby in a bouncy chair in the bathroom while you have a bath for example

"Hardest thing you'll ever do"
Hard but bliss

"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that"
Gripe water and if it's more serious than that a quick trip to the GO and your sorted

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 27/03/2022 16:45

All they ever describe is being on something akin to a treadmill

They're probably saying that to make you feel better tbf

Feel better about what? She said she was childfree by choice.

CookPassBabtridge · 27/03/2022 16:47

You're tired being pregnant so it might not get worse, just different.. you will have a baby needing you breaking up your sleep, but you will have your body back, no big bump to carry round etc.
It is knackering but you get through it, it all happens in slow motion and you will experience tiredness in a day but also a lot of love and joy and sweetness and amusement etc. I binge watched a lot of shows.. ate sugar to stay energetic.. loved being in a baby bubble! You just cope! If it was so bad we wouldn't keep doing it 😆 People are really shitty to say those things to you.

BottlingBurpsForGrandma · 27/03/2022 16:47

My children are the very best thing I have ever done. It is amazing to have these little people there to shape and in turn to be shaped by them. And once they are bigger people I hope to continue to be the anchor and rudder in their lives until they're ready and forever.

Yes it is tiring. Yes it feels never ending sometimes. It isn't easy, but God it's worth it Grin

CookPassBabtridge · 27/03/2022 16:50

Sorry forgot to add.. my two got easier together when they were 3 and 6, 3.5 was the turning point.. teething finished, can talk, more savvy and independent. They are a dream now, being a mum is ace. But those early years were still full of so many good moments, just hard work. But you can do it!

Crispyturtle · 27/03/2022 16:52

I’m sorry you’ve received so many negative comments.

My penneth worth - yes there are difficult moments, and yes you will be more tired than you can imagine. However, the love I have for my kids is fabulous, they have genuinely brought so much love and joy and silly fun to my life. I think I laugh far more now than I ever did before kids. How often would you say you feel genuine joy OP? Because I feel it daily with my kids. They have lit up my life.

I should ask a disclaimer - I have two healthy NT kids, a supportive partner, reasonable financial security and a job I enjoy which I can do part time. Having kids is a lot more difficult if the other areas of your life aren’t in place.

Serena1977 · 27/03/2022 16:52

because it's what society expects and usually people want to comply with social norms

because mother nature gives up that unexplainable yearning to procreate because mother nature doesn't want the species to die out.

On paper, it is the most ridiculous idea.