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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my husbands new girlfriend?

122 replies

shoplifteroftheworld · 27/03/2022 02:15

I've been married for 16 years - in total, myself and my husband were together for 22 years. I started divorce proceedings last year. Throughout our relationship my husband was abusive in many ways. On a number of occasions he gave me a black eye or beat me up quite badly. He was also a compulsive liar and was always trying to cheat on me.

I found out earlier tonight that he has a girlfriend. She is half his age. He and I are in our early 40's whilst his new gf is early twenties.

I have no problem with him seeing someone. It helps me considerably as he kept saying he loved me and wanted us to be together again. I definitely did not want that and still don't.

But my dilemma comes from thinking about his new gf. She seems young and naive. I can see that she supports him a great deal and doesn't believe he is capable of any wrongdoing - much like I was over 20 years ago.

So, AIBU to consider contacting her and warning her that he was abusive to me? Do you think she will just write me off as crazy? I'm certain that my husband will have pretty much told her that 🤷‍♀️

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 27/03/2022 02:18

No. Stay out of it.

VyeBrator · 27/03/2022 02:21

She's a grown woman and presumably in love. She's not going to listen to you any more than you would've listened to any of his exes when you got together with him.

GlitterSquid · 27/03/2022 02:23

Although your intentions seem honourable, honestly no, there's no way you can do this without being painted as mad/crazy/jealous etc.
She likely won't believe you and it will bring more vitriol from him, plus he'll just hide who he really is for longer.
Hope for her that she sees enough red flags and leaves him before anything happens, but I 100% wouldn't get involved.

Clumsyvolcano · 27/03/2022 02:23

I think your hearts in the right place but I wouldn’t say anything as she likely won’t believe you or he will convince her you are jealous and it will potentially open a huge can of worms - I think this is a life lesson she will learn on her own, unfortunately.

I mean, if you really want to you can contact her anonymously and say you are a friend of his ex and you know he was abusive and to be careful etc, then block so she can’t start any kind of attack or argument if you feel telling her would make you feel better, but ultimately I doubt it will change things.

AKASammyScrounge · 27/03/2022 02:24

No. If she tells him you had warned her, he might turn on you. She won't believe you anyway.

Abaababa · 27/03/2022 02:36

I would tell her. If I was in her situation I would want someone to do the right thing and warn me, even if I didn’t listen. It would still help me pick up cues.

Do you have any solid evidence like a police report or a hospital report? If so, use that.

I commend you on looking out for someone else. You experienced the abuse first hand and you don’t want someone else to go through the same. Wish there were more people like you in the world. Flowers

StatisticalDream · 27/03/2022 02:49

Hm id somehow tell her. If I was the woman it would make me consider and maybe interpret things in a different light. At least it would sow the seeds of suspicion so she might spot some red flags earlier. But how to tell her without having him turn on you again. He sounds horrendous.

Is there a helpline that can advice? Can you contact the police for help?

GrandTheftWalrus · 27/03/2022 02:54

No you'd seem like the crazy ex. My ex husband beat me, cheated on me etc but I wouldn't tell the new partner.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2022 03:07

She'll either think
You're outright lying and he'd never hurt anyone
Its your fault and he'd never hurt HER

Unfortunately she'll only learn it the hard way.

Chloemol · 27/03/2022 03:15

I would tell her, I couldn’t live with myself if he hit her, and I would want to be warned if I was her

She may not believe you, she may tell him and it cause issues, but at some point you are going to be vindicated because he will hit her.

Tell her, what she does with that information is then up to her

Chloemol · 27/03/2022 03:17

@GrandTheftWalrus

No you'd seem like the crazy ex. My ex husband beat me, cheated on me etc but I wouldn't tell the new partner.
And if he does it to her? Why on earth wouldn’t you warn someone about DV. I simply couldn’t live with myself knowing that someone was likely to get beaten at some point.
GrandTheftWalrus · 27/03/2022 03:21

@Chloemol because he lied so much about me to the point his girlfriend was scared of me. Apparently he doesn't hit his most recent girlfriend (2018 was the last time speaking to him) because she respects him etc.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/03/2022 03:27

Yes she will wrote ot off and think you are "crazy" so I would not do it myself.

I would however, try and alert her via a third party.
Ie have your brother or sister maybe sister maybe friend? or similar get in touch.

One thing to be aware of is sometimes men move on to new relationships and aren't abusive - which is a whole other layer of headwreck for the original partner.
She will likely continue the relationship even when well warned.

If you filed charges you could suggest she apply to the police for information.ation via Claires law?

1forAll74 · 27/03/2022 04:21

Definitely don't bother with this, what is the point. The new woman will be able to work out what your ex is like eventually.

blueshoes · 27/03/2022 04:23

Yes, she will write you off as crazy since he has probably done a massive character assassination on you. Leave them to it. You don't want to do anything to jeopardise his leaving.

She knows where to find you if she needs to ask.

HeartofAss · 27/03/2022 04:25

The people saying "she'll figure it out eventually"... you mean, he might beat her up too?

I would definitely tell her. Couldnt live with myself otherwise. If there is even a chance of preventing an innocent person being harmed why wouldn't you take it?

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 27/03/2022 04:45

If you reported any of your abuse to the authorities,could you not anonymously tell her to ask the police about his past under Clare’s Law. That way you warn her but keep yourself out of it.

Sushi7 · 27/03/2022 05:11

I’m echoing @Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow with the anonymous note about asking her to enquire about Clare’s Law. If you never reported abuse then maybe get a friend to contact her? This is so difficult because your ex will manipulate her into believing you’re lying. There’s an additional power imbalance here because of the huge age gap and how young she is. He’s probably around the age of her parents and will use his age for the “I know better” arguments.

NashvilleQueen · 27/03/2022 05:47

If you reported any of your abuse to the authorities,could you not anonymously tell her to ask the police about his past under Clare’s Law. That way you warn her but keep yourself out of it

This was my first thought too.

NashvilleQueen · 27/03/2022 05:49

Sorry I mis-read. Rather than contact her could you ask the authorities to consider a disclosure to her? It's difficult if you've never reported it though

Blossoming33 · 27/03/2022 06:24

I'm torn because yes I very much think you'll be written off as the crazy ex but then at the same time I don't think I could watch someone else, especially a young naive girl get into a relationship with someone who beat me and was so abusive and not say anything. It just wouldn't feel right. At least you would know in your own conscience that you did what you could.

You never know it may plant enough doubt that she becomes more alert to his behaviour earlier on.

TeatimeGlitter · 27/03/2022 06:28

This is quite concerning as he’s gone for someone significantly younger than him, which is typical predatory behaviour as she likely won’t have the life experience to be able to spot red flags and see ugly behaviour for what it is before it’s too late.

I think it’s very thoughtful and kind of you that you have the urge to warn her, it sounds like you see your younger self in her and warning her is a very caring thing to do.

What others have said re: Clare’s Law is a great idea, or alternatively you could have a friend of yours contact her. I think it might be best if you don’t approach directly as I’m concerned for your safety as well.

HappyMiddleChild · 27/03/2022 07:03

Tell her.

She may think you’re the crazy ex but in time, when he shows his true colours she will then realise that you were looking out for her.

I’ve thankfully never been a victim of DA but won’t he come out with some BS afterwards like he’s never done it before which if not warned this young woman will probably accept. I can’t believe so many MNers, presumably women, are suggesting that to do nothing is the better thing.

changeyourname11111 · 27/03/2022 07:04

I would definitely find a way of telling her, even if anonymously as a previous poster suggested.

If the girlfriend was my daughter, I would so want someone to warn her. Poor girl.

@shoplifteroftheworld you sound very kind, and I am so sorry for what you went through.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 27/03/2022 07:10

I would not get involved in this, as others have said, you don't want anything to stop him leaving.