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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my husbands new girlfriend?

122 replies

shoplifteroftheworld · 27/03/2022 02:15

I've been married for 16 years - in total, myself and my husband were together for 22 years. I started divorce proceedings last year. Throughout our relationship my husband was abusive in many ways. On a number of occasions he gave me a black eye or beat me up quite badly. He was also a compulsive liar and was always trying to cheat on me.

I found out earlier tonight that he has a girlfriend. She is half his age. He and I are in our early 40's whilst his new gf is early twenties.

I have no problem with him seeing someone. It helps me considerably as he kept saying he loved me and wanted us to be together again. I definitely did not want that and still don't.

But my dilemma comes from thinking about his new gf. She seems young and naive. I can see that she supports him a great deal and doesn't believe he is capable of any wrongdoing - much like I was over 20 years ago.

So, AIBU to consider contacting her and warning her that he was abusive to me? Do you think she will just write me off as crazy? I'm certain that my husband will have pretty much told her that 🤷‍♀️

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
Costumenonsense · 27/03/2022 08:23

What @silkypancakes said.

Ridingoutthewaves · 27/03/2022 08:23

Try and reach out, she may or may not listen. The problem is that so many men get away with this because of the attitude of many posters on here, ‘stay out, it’s none of your business’. She might not believe you now, but she might later on. Well done for getting out.

Porcupineintherough · 27/03/2022 08:24

I'd tell her. It might make no difference in the short term but, as others have said, when he starts on her it'll be harder for him to make her believe it's a one off or that it's her fault.

AccidentalMindFuck · 27/03/2022 08:25

I was in this situation. I told the new gf and she didn’t listen and he called me the crazy ex! However, years down the line she contacted me and told me he’d done the same to her. She thanked me and apologised that she didn’t listen to me.

Your exes new gf probably won’t believe you but if she has red flags already it might register a little in her mind.

intwrferingma · 27/03/2022 08:25

I would for my own peace of mind. She is a grown woman and can do what she wishes with the information. If you could get someone else close to you to tell that would be better. But failing that I really would give it one good attempt then back away

Luckypom · 27/03/2022 08:27

Sorry I'm in a not great state - do try yes. Just be prepared for her not to understand

MMMarmite · 27/03/2022 08:29

She may well see you as crazy now, but if he turns on her eventually, she will remember what you said, and it might help her see the pattern and not blame herself. If you can tell her without cost to yourself I think it would be a decent thing to do.

Sswhinesthebest · 27/03/2022 08:40

The trouble s that you may have to do this with every new girlfriend, and if you are the cause of lots of women finishing with him, then he’s going to turn on you.

Perhaps warn her parents anonymously to watch out for her and investigate using Clare’s law? She might take more notice of them.

Kingharoldshairstyle · 27/03/2022 08:42

Sadly irrelevant of her age she’s an adult and she’s not your responsibility. You will be written off as jealous and trying to split them up. No good will come of it at all. So stay out of it and do not interfer in his relationships.

sixoclockalready · 27/03/2022 08:43

Yes, tell her he gave you a black eye and to be careful!

Women need to stand up against bullies

Nothappyatwork · 27/03/2022 08:45

She won’t believe you, you will be a bitter wizened old hag that wants her boyfriend back And would say anything to split them up.

curlii103 · 27/03/2022 08:59

I would tell her, she might think youre crazy and jelaous but you can live with that better than if you dont at least try

Whatoflife · 27/03/2022 09:02

Yes, I’d tell her.
She may write you off as crazy but it may plant a seed of thought and help build a picture especially if there’s been any signs already.

VeryEventual · 27/03/2022 09:05

I would want to tell her. I can see why you want to. But given her age she probably thinks she's so lucky to hook an older manno doubt she thinks he can take care of her and knowing people doing similar she will write you off as a psycho ex. So given the situation I'd stay out of it. Sure she's a "grown woman" but I am sure she's probably very immature and would have no desire to believe an ex in this situation so I'd leave them to it.

BSintolerant · 27/03/2022 09:08

You don’t have to tell her, but you can contact your local police force and make a request using Clare’s Law so that they can act on this information where appropriate. The police will interview you to verify who you are. They will look into his background to see if he’s likely to harm her. If they think she’s at risk of harm they will tell her. They won’t tell her who has made a request and they won’t tell you the outcome.

She should definitely know what sort of man she’s involved with.

BSintolerant · 27/03/2022 09:14

Some extra info for you OP.

to tell my husbands new girlfriend?
to tell my husbands new girlfriend?
to tell my husbands new girlfriend?
spotcheck · 27/03/2022 09:14

I would tell her- attach multiple pictures if you can and police reports if you have them.

Also tell her that you won't contact her again, and stick to it.

She probably won't believe you, but it may stop her from thinking it's her fault when he beats HER for the first time. You may save her from years of abuse.

SoupDragon · 27/03/2022 09:15

I would.

She might not listen and she might write you off as the crazy ex but at least your conscience would be clear (insofar as you have warned her, not that anything would be your fault)

LizzieSiddal · 27/03/2022 09:18

Why on earth wouldn’t you warn someone about DV. I simply couldn’t live with myself knowing that someone was likely to get beaten at some point.

This! Plus I don’t understand people saying “she’ll think you’re crazy”. Who cares if she thinks you’re crazy?! Even if she doesn’t believe you, the first time this man is abusive to her, she’ll remember your warning and hopefully get out of there!

Noisyneighneigh · 27/03/2022 09:19

She's so young. I couldn't live with myself if he hurt her. If she doesn't believe you, at least you've warned her.

crochetmonkey74 · 27/03/2022 09:20

I think this is where as women we need to rewrite the narrative and actually help each other out. Rather than surrendering to the "she will think I'm the crazy ex" male narrative.
I would do it but low key like "I know you think I'm the crazy ex but if he ever gets physical with you, get out before I did " or something that suggests you will believe her.
That way even if she tells you to eff off now, it puts that little voice in her head, that when he does it, she notices the red flag straight away

NotNotNotMyName · 27/03/2022 09:25

I would. Be very specific about what your soon to be ex DH has done. That way she’s more likely to believe you.

A friend tried to warn me off of my exH once but it was something along the lines of “Don’t go out with him, he’s no good”. I just thought she was jealous.

In my more recent relationship, I found out exP was financially abusing his ex (I only discovered this when I chucked him out, it was ME that contacted her!). I had been in an abusive relationship before, I would have listened, I really really wish she’d told me.

She may not believe you but equally if she’s got her head screwed on or already noticing the signs, what you tell her might help her dodge a bullet.

Younger women can be very naive about these things though, I know I was 🙄

NeedleNoodle3 · 27/03/2022 09:26

I think I would tell her. Men control women with the fear that we will be labelled as crazy if we speak out/express ourselves or basically say anything that isn’t to men’s liking.

crochetmonkey74 · 27/03/2022 09:28

@NeedleNoodle3

I think I would tell her. Men control women with the fear that we will be labelled as crazy if we speak out/express ourselves or basically say anything that isn’t to men’s liking.
Totally agree
LightSpeeds · 27/03/2022 09:30

Yes tell her. You don't have to come across as the crazy bitter ex. Wish her good luck but say you think she ought to know that he's violent.

Hopefully it will give her a head start and if he tries anything it won't be a complete shock and she'll get away from him quickly.

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