to tell my husbands new girlfriend?

[shoplifteroftheworld]

I've been married for 16 years - in total, myself and my husband were together for 22 years. I started divorce proceedings last year. Throughout our relationship my husband was abusive in many ways. On a number of occasions he gave me a black eye or beat me up quite badly. He was also a compulsive liar and was always trying to cheat on me.

I found out earlier tonight that he has a girlfriend. She is half his age. He and I are in our early 40's whilst his new gf is early twenties.

I have no problem with him seeing someone. It helps me considerably as he kept saying he loved me and wanted us to be together again. I definitely did not want that and still don't.

But my dilemma comes from thinking about his new gf. She seems young and naive. I can see that she supports him a great deal and doesn't believe he is capable of any wrongdoing - much like I was over 20 years ago.

So, AIBU to consider contacting her and warning her that he was abusive to me? Do you think she will just write me off as crazy? I'm certain that my husband will have pretty much told her that 🤷‍♀️

Thank you in advance.

I would 100% tell her. I had an abusive partner for 2 years and if his ex had warned me, I would have listened and been grateful. He gaslighted me into thinking the abuse was my fault: if I knew he'd done it before I think it would have given me more strength to leave sooner.

Did you report his abuse to the police? I would keep it factual, and mention to her police reports if there were any and the type of violence, did he begin with being controlling, aggressive, you walking on egg shells? I bet she'll recognise it as he can't hold his mask for long. Even if she doesn't want to hear it, it may help her.

@Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow

If you reported any of your abuse to the authorities,could you not anonymously tell her to ask the police about his past under Clare’s Law. That way you warn her but keep yourself out of it.

This is a good idea

Yes you should tell her, or find a way of telling her. She might think you’re the crazy ex now, but in the future it might be something that reminds her that you’re not crazy. However think about a way of doing it that protects you from your ex when she tells him someone has been in touch, which she very likely will.

Reminds her that she’s not crazy I mean!

This is exactly why Clare's Law exists- so that people can find out about their new partner's abusive past. Everyone deserves to know whether their partner has had a violent past. I couldn't live with myself just waiting until she figures it out for herself (ie she gets beaten up as well). No, she won't listen to you and pack her bags immediately. But I think she'd be more likely to see the first signs for what they are (rather than believing whatever bullshit he tells her about how it's her fault for winding him up, and how he's never hit anyone before etc)

No I wouldn’t -none of my business don’t owe her anything.

I think you should, he is or was a violent man, and better the young woman is aware now than later on when more time and other commitments have been made.

I did this and, of course, she believed I was jealous and crazy. Years later when she was terminally ill, she told he she had lived a living hell with him and wished that she had listened to me. It's really sad that she was being abused by him even when she was dying. The problem is that the new gf won't believe you and will have to find out for herself.

Could you get a friend to tell her instead of you?

Removes some of the “your ex rang me and told me all this crazy stuff, is it true?” discussion with your ex.

Friend can be slightly impartial, say that she knew both of you. Lots went on including abuse, adultery etc and it is just a warning to look for red flags. Even just educating her on red flags could do the trick.

You’re likely to be written off as the ‘psycho ex’ but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t say anything and he went on to hit her. He could even accidentally kill her with a punch.

I’d hope if my DD naively went out with an abusive older man that someone would warn her/us.

Even if she doesn’t want to believe you maybe it would put a seed of doubt in her head to make it easier to spot the red flags? Maybe she would confer with one of her friends in what you’ve said and they’d be on the alert for red flags too?

I'm in my 20s. I would want to know if my new boyfriend was a woman beater.

do you have pictures? even if your husband was able to make out the injuries were nothing to do with him, it would put doubt in my mind.

obviously don't if there is any chance of him doing something further to you though

I think you should find some way of alerting her to the potential danger she's in. OK, she'll probably not believe you, or will think he'll treat her differently, but at least she has the chance to see red flags that she might dismiss otherwise. Also, if he does hit her and swear he's not done it before and he'll never do it again, she'll know it's BS.

As other have said, if he has a police record of his violence then you could at least anonymously suggest she make a Claire's Law request. She may not have even heard of it!

For all of you saying she won't listen, is that really the response you would give if someone told you this? If I was at the start of a new relationship and an ex sought me out to say that he had physically assaulted her. I would take heed. The risk of it being accurate is just not one I'm willing to take.

Where I live a 5 year old boy was murdered by his mother’s new boyfriend. No one had told her (police nor anyone else) that he had a history of domestic violence and she said she would have never let him into her life if she’d have known. This information needs to be out there so people can make their own decisions.

Yes, I would tell her. She may not be ready to listen now, but at least you will have planted the seed, and she will be able to draw on that information when he turns on her, which he will. It might help her know she's not going mad, or imagining it.

I would tell her. Not about the lying and cheating (that's the bit that will make her think "psycho ex" and "but he wouldn't do that to me") but about the violence.

When he was violent to you in the past did you report it to the police ? If so and you tell her she can check for herself . I would tell her I have a dear friend that was killed by her new partner if his ex had come forward and told her she would have took note and believed her she would have been alive today ! You wouldn’t believe how fast it took him to move in turn violent and actually kill her just under a month. He had an ex who came forward after and he had been violent but she didn’t want to sound like a crazy ex so stayed quiet. She died from a punch to the face !

Would telling her put you at risk? How would he react to it if you did tell her? You need to put your safety first given his background.

If you live in the same property and/or the divorce settlement etc isn’t fully sorted, would do nothing as top priority is to progress the divorce.

If you live apart and stuff is sorted might give her the information, once. But realistically it wouldn’t be sensible or feasible to tell all your ex’s potential or new GFs!

I was the new partner in this situation and I wish his ex had sent me a message saying it clearly. I would have told him and he’d have said she was crazy and I’d have stayed, but when I saw for myself it would have reassured me I was not going mad myself, and I’d have left. A few people did dare to send me very clear messages, asking if I could keep them secret, and when I came to leave (after some awful times) I re read them and they gave me the confidence to believe myself and do it.

Domestic abuse works by putting his reality against yours and saying your reality doesn’t count/isn’t real. Therefore anything that can work against this helps the victim.

I would find a way without doing it directly myself.

Only to potentially protect a woman from being beaten by this man.

It plays into the crazy ex narrative and will allow him to hide who he really is for longer

I wouldn't say a word until the divorce is finalised.

You absolutely have to let her know, one way or another. She may not believe you, and if she confronts him about it, he'll most likely lie and call you vindictive and crazy, of course he will.
But when he starts to show his true colours, she'll know it's not about her. She'll know she's not at fault. Spell that bit out to her: "He may never lie to you, try to control you, cheat on you or hurt you, but if he does, or if you feel like things are taking a turn for the worse, please remember that you are not to blame, however he tries to frame it."
One ex's previous girlfriend took the trouble to tell me about a particularly infuriating and problematic trait of the man I had just started seeing. Not DV, but something that was definitely worth knowing. Her telling me forewarned me, and although I initially decided to ignore her warning, thinking I'd know how to work around it, it was eventually her care for me, an unknown new girlfriend, that saved me a lot of trouble.

She won't listen unfortunately (I wouldn't of) - she is in love. People have to make their own mistakes as hard as that is to watch.