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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my husbands new girlfriend?

122 replies

shoplifteroftheworld · 27/03/2022 02:15

I've been married for 16 years - in total, myself and my husband were together for 22 years. I started divorce proceedings last year. Throughout our relationship my husband was abusive in many ways. On a number of occasions he gave me a black eye or beat me up quite badly. He was also a compulsive liar and was always trying to cheat on me.

I found out earlier tonight that he has a girlfriend. She is half his age. He and I are in our early 40's whilst his new gf is early twenties.

I have no problem with him seeing someone. It helps me considerably as he kept saying he loved me and wanted us to be together again. I definitely did not want that and still don't.

But my dilemma comes from thinking about his new gf. She seems young and naive. I can see that she supports him a great deal and doesn't believe he is capable of any wrongdoing - much like I was over 20 years ago.

So, AIBU to consider contacting her and warning her that he was abusive to me? Do you think she will just write me off as crazy? I'm certain that my husband will have pretty much told her that 🤷‍♀️

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:

Mumoblue · 27/03/2022 09:30

That is tricky. I understand why you want to warn her but he has probably gotten there first and painted you as the crazy ex.
And you have to think if contacting her would set off a new round of abuse towards you.

I agree with the idea of anonymously suggesting Clare’s Law if there’s any official records. Otherwise, do you have any mutual acquaintances that could have a word?

If you don’t feel safe to warn her, that’s okay. Obviously it’d be horrendous if he attacked her too, but it’s not realistic to be able to warn any and every woman he might get with in the future.

Chickychickydodah · 27/03/2022 09:31

I wouldn’t tell her personally but if you genuinely concerned for her safety then let someone else tell her.
She will think you are lying if you say something.

TheBigDilemma · 27/03/2022 09:31

Sure, you should tell her but only if she asks for your opinion.

Telling her before then will make you the crazy ex, she won’t believe you and your ex will try to make you pay for it. If I were you, I would leave them to it rather than risking getting my former abuser ire after me when the likelihood of being believed us practically nil.

Booboobagins · 27/03/2022 09:32

You realise he could kill her, right?

If you don't want to report it to her and I understand that might come across as sour grapes, find a friend or relative of hers you can tell or an intermediary. Someone needs to look out for her.

HairyScaryMonster · 27/03/2022 09:33

Did you ever report him? It would be useful if you have evidence but I'd do it anyway. Even if she doesn't believe you now it might prompt her further down the line when the honeymoon period is over.

Underfrighter · 27/03/2022 09:39

Do not get directly involved. It could be dangerous for you.

Did other people know or just you? As if just you I would also be wary of doing it anonymously as he will know it was you and again that puts you in a dangerous position.

If other people know I would tell her anonymously and make sure it's in the third person I.e. used to hit his partner

Theunamedcat · 27/03/2022 09:39

Yes he could kill her but how is this OPs responsibility really? I warned someone anonymously about someone being arrested several times for child sex offences yes he could have been innocent but how can several unrelated children in different towns have the same story? There is a high chance he did it her response? Moved towns with her kids to be with this guy she lost her job because of this and stayed with him

Often women don't listen especially if there is no "proof" arrest but no conviction in this case there are many arrests but no convictions not because he is innocent but because there isn't enough evidence he is free to move on to the next victim

Sarahcoggles · 27/03/2022 09:49

I would tell her. Of course she won’t believe you at the time, but it may help her later.

When he inevitably hits her, he’ll no doubt cry afterwards and say he’s never done that before and he’ll never do it again. She may then recall what you said, and it might mean she gets away sooner. It could potentially save her life.

powershowerforanhour · 27/03/2022 09:53

"Yes, I would tell her. She may not be ready to listen now, but at least you will have planted the seed, and she will be able to draw on that information when he turns on her, which he will. It might help her know she's not going mad, or imagining it."

I agree with this. So many women have to "start from scratch" to work out they're with a gaslighting abuser, saves time and heartbreak if we help each other out.

If a dog that I see at the vet practice seems nice but then tries to bite, I put a warning on the record for the next vet, I don't just leave them to figure it out.

beastlyslumber · 27/03/2022 09:54

Yes, you should absolutely warn her. She probably won't believe you and your ex has no doubt painted you as crazy. But she is in serious danger of harm, so of course you have to warn her.

FacebookPhotos · 27/03/2022 09:59

Yes he could kill her but how is this OPs responsibility really?

It absolutely isn’t - a violent man is wholly responsible for his own actions.

That said, I wish my ex-BIL’s previous partner had told my sister his history. She wouldn’t have believed it early on, but after the first time he hit her she went back to him “because he’s never done anything like this before - it was just a one off”. She got out eventually, but it took way longer than it would have if she’d known the whole story.

tkwal · 27/03/2022 10:06

Don't directly approach either of them. All that will do is allow him to portray you as his "crazy" ex who is just jealous and wants him back. I really hope you reported at least some of the attacks. If I were you I would call 101 ,explain the circumstances and ask them to do a welfare check on her. How long have they been together? Might he still be on his best behaviour?. You know him better than most other people . If you can find out who her parent(s) is/are you could maybe contact them anonymously for then to request info via Claires Law ?

M0RVEN · 27/03/2022 10:12

@SleepingStandingUp

She'll either think You're outright lying and he'd never hurt anyone Its your fault and he'd never hurt HER

Unfortunately she'll only learn it the hard way.

This. She won’t believe a word you say anyway, he will have told her you are a cheater / liar / mentally ill / vindictive.

Or that you abused him and the one time he hit back you got him charged.

Theunamedcat · 27/03/2022 10:14

There is no point in claires law if OP has never reported it

There is no point in telling anonymously from a third person perspective if it was kept under wraps and hidden

More information is needed obviously but if no-one knew and the girlfriend "finds out" he will know its her and she is then at risk either physically or he could call the police on her claiming she is harassing him

She needs to protect herself when you split from an abuser that is the most dangerous time for you

RedRobin100 · 27/03/2022 10:14

I think it feels right that you should warn her.
Agree it’s likely you will already have been portrayed as the crazy ex however.

To avoid this, you could just send ONE Very simple, factual, non-emotional message and leave it at that.. something like,

“X was [physically/emotionally etc] abusive to me in the past.
I am just telling you this now so that should he ever be to you, you will know it is not the first time, nor is it a one off.”

Job Done. And no more. There’s little to accuse you of then.

Bdhntbis · 27/03/2022 10:14

I would; yes she’ll write you off as crazy but when the abuse starts creeping in then maybe she’ll remember what you said and recognise it earlier and get out earlier. I warned my ex’s new girlfriend and yes she said I was crazy but I always hope that it helped her get out earlier than I did and when he says to her that it’s her fault and he was never like this in other relationships she’ll know it’s not true

RedRobin100 · 27/03/2022 10:16

Let her think you’re crazy but at least your conscience will be clear.

This obviously doesn’t consider any potential risk to you from him - but you will have to assess that..

silkypancakes · 27/03/2022 10:17

@RedRobin100's template is a good one

ivykaty44 · 27/03/2022 10:40

kagerou · 27/03/2022 10:41

I would tell , if it does happen she could blame herself otherwise and wonder why he's doing this to her when he never did anything of the sort during his marriage

kagerou · 27/03/2022 10:49

Also despite what everyone is saying she might believe you. I'd certainly take note if someone's ex said that and I think a lot of people would.

She's an adult woman and may have suffered abuse previously or know someone who has so be naturally sceptical of men already.

Please tell her and let her choose what to do with the information

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/03/2022 10:50

As long as you don’t think it will put you in danger, the yes warm her anonymously.

She likely won’t believe it, but when things start up go wrong she will hopefully remember and move on more quickly.

You could drop her a note through the door, or send her a message from a one off account you don’t use again.

Lubeyboobyalt · 27/03/2022 10:58

I once tried to warn someone - she said 'he'd never hit me because I'm not a fucking slut' then went and got his name tattooed on her collarbone

6 months later he nearly killed her, in front of her kids

BSintolerant · 27/03/2022 11:05

@Theunamedcat

There is no point in claires law if OP has never reported it

There is no point in telling anonymously from a third person perspective if it was kept under wraps and hidden

She needs to protect herself when you split from an abuser that is the most dangerous time for you

Whether or not OP has reported him is neither here nor there. Someone else might’ve reported him to the police for acts of violence. For all we know he might have a criminal record which OP knew nothing about.

There’s nothing to stop the OP from making a Clare’s Law request. If there is anything on his record which is a cause for concern the police can inform his new girlfriend. They won’t tell her who made the Clare’s Law request.

LowlandLucky · 27/03/2022 11:18

The messenger always gets shot, stay out of it.

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