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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my husbands new girlfriend?

122 replies

shoplifteroftheworld · 27/03/2022 02:15

I've been married for 16 years - in total, myself and my husband were together for 22 years. I started divorce proceedings last year. Throughout our relationship my husband was abusive in many ways. On a number of occasions he gave me a black eye or beat me up quite badly. He was also a compulsive liar and was always trying to cheat on me.

I found out earlier tonight that he has a girlfriend. She is half his age. He and I are in our early 40's whilst his new gf is early twenties.

I have no problem with him seeing someone. It helps me considerably as he kept saying he loved me and wanted us to be together again. I definitely did not want that and still don't.

But my dilemma comes from thinking about his new gf. She seems young and naive. I can see that she supports him a great deal and doesn't believe he is capable of any wrongdoing - much like I was over 20 years ago.

So, AIBU to consider contacting her and warning her that he was abusive to me? Do you think she will just write me off as crazy? I'm certain that my husband will have pretty much told her that 🤷‍♀️

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 27/03/2022 11:33

When he inevitably hits her, he’ll no doubt cry afterwards and say he’s never done that before and he’ll never do it again. She may then recall what you said, and it might mean she gets away sooner.

This is the crux of it for me. It doesn't matter whether she believes the OP now but it might help her later.

MargosKaftan · 27/03/2022 11:40

If you have reported him in the past, the idea of an anonymous message to do a Clares Law request about him is a good one. If you know anyone still in touch with him who's met her, they might be prepared to pass the message "just do a clares law check so you know what you're dealing with."

Otherwise she probably won't believe you now, but helps in the future if he does hit her that it's really not a one off.

NeedleNoodle3 · 27/03/2022 11:49

When he inevitably hits her, he’ll no doubt cry afterwards and say he’s never done that before and he’ll never do it again. She may then recall what you said, and it might mean she gets away sooner
I couldn’t agree more.

Rewis · 27/03/2022 12:51

I'm such a selfish bitch that I would wait till the divorce is finalised. If this young woman is keeping him off ops back and making things smoother. Id take advantage of that and not rock the boat causing retaliation. Once the divorce is finalised, I'd warn her. She will take it as crazy ex telling lies. But it doesn't matter.

PollyDarton1 · 27/03/2022 13:24

Part of me wants to warm ex DPs new girlfriend of just how cruel and abusive he can be. He was never really physically abusive and part of me still blames myself and was low level abusive more than overt but a) he's got her to block me on IG and b) I know he have painted me out to be crazy and I won't be believed. I would really like to tell her to be wary of him around her kids given he has a very short temper and gets frustrated easily.

Ex DPs ex tried to warn me he wasn't a very nice man and I ignored it though, even though I had red flags.

The woman ex DP cheated on me with (although he claims he didn't) said he painted me out to be crazy and abusive, but she had red flags early on. Ex DP is very convincing and will be deluding himself he's changed so it would be a lost venture.

cleanasawhistle · 27/03/2022 13:35

I had this dilema many years ago when I left and abusive boyfriend.
He started dating someone who had a young child so I felt I had no option but to warn the girlfriend.
She didnt want to know and I got the impression she though I was stirring because I was jealous.
She said even if he had hit me he would never do that to her.....few months later he put he in hospital.

Say something if you think you have to OP but unfortunately she may find out for herself what your ex is really like.

Just be happy you are rid of him,take care

Thewindwhispers · 27/03/2022 13:41

I would tell her, and also say “I know he’ll have told you that I’m crazy, and I know you won’t believe me now, but when eventually he starts to treat you badly, please remember what I’ve said and get out for your own physical safety before it becomes extremely violent. I don’t want you to go through the physical pain that I have done.”

She might ignore you, but she might not. You might save her from serious injury. It’s worth a try.

Scarecrowrowboat · 27/03/2022 13:51

Assuming it would flag something I'd anonymously suggest she make a request under Clare's law.

Quincythequince · 27/03/2022 14:32

I would tell her.
You aren’t unhappy that he is with her, and that will be fairly obvious I imagine, when you speak to her.
All you can do is make her aware, and leave it up to her. He is an abuser and so like so many women before you and her, you will be the ‘crazy ex’ and she the ‘but he was so lovely, I can’t believe he would do that’

jytdtysrht · 27/03/2022 14:42

She thinks she loves him and/or that she’ll be able to fix him/it wasn’t his fault/you drove him to it yadda yadda - I would leave well alone. She is old enough to think for herself and hopefully she will have friends and family who are questioning what she is doing with a 40+ married man.

Wailywailywaily · 27/03/2022 14:43

Tell her, she can do with it what she likes but she should know.
I only found out after divorcing my exh that he beat and emotionally abused his exw. One of his friends asked me round and told me everything, after we were divorced. I wish I’d been told, I don’t think it would have stopped me marrying him but the knowledge would have helped me spot the red flags and shortened our marriage quite considerably. He never hit me but he was very coercive, manipulative and emotionally abusive.

LabMix · 27/03/2022 14:44

I would absolutely tell her. Yes she’ll think you’re nuts/ jealous but who cares? It’ll plant the seed in her mind

quitefranklyabsurd · 27/03/2022 15:21

Tell her.

You need to arm her with all the facts to make a balanced decision.

DdraigGoch · 27/03/2022 15:44

She'll have swallowed his stories about how you're the "crazy ex" and if you directly contact her she'd just go in to denial which could make it longer before she escapes.

If you do anything, it would be better done anonymously. Maybe by dropping something through her letterbox or going via a third party.

DdraigGoch · 27/03/2022 15:49

@changeyourname11111

I would definitely find a way of telling her, even if anonymously as a previous poster suggested.

If the girlfriend was my daughter, I would so want someone to warn her. Poor girl.

@shoplifteroftheworld you sound very kind, and I am so sorry for what you went through.

This gives me an idea, could you find out who her mother is, and warn her instead?
Summerfun54321 · 27/03/2022 15:55

There should be a domestic violence register like there’s a sex offenders register. The fact these men are allowed to move on and form new relationships is a massive injustice to women.

mistyoak · 27/03/2022 16:48

Totally agree

CambsAlways · 27/03/2022 17:07

I would definately tell her and what’s more I wouldn’t care about her thinking I was crazy, I couldn’t have it on my conscience that he could or would eventually go give her the same treatment, she can then d9 what she wants with the details, but at least I’ve forwarned her

Deereemer · 27/03/2022 17:12

Of course you should warn her of the danger she is in.

Original poster
shoplifteroftheworld · 27/03/2022 18:10

Thanks so much everyone. I think it's probably best to stay out of it. It's already been hinted to her that he's abusive and she was having none of it. Last year I plucked up the courage to report him for historical abuse. I gave the police a full account. But when taken in for questioning my husband gave an entirely 'no comment' interview and was released without charge. I don't know if there will be a record of this 🤷‍♀️

Anyway thank you so much everyone x

OP posts:
Frigginintheriggin · 27/03/2022 20:50

A relative was emotionally abusive to his first wife.
Second wife wore the trousers.
Thats not to say if you feel strongly enough you shouldn't warn her. Let's face it the country could do with tattooing violent offenders tbh then we'd all know.....

DdraigGoch · 28/03/2022 14:40

@shoplifteroftheworld

Thanks so much everyone. I think it's probably best to stay out of it. It's already been hinted to her that he's abusive and she was having none of it. Last year I plucked up the courage to report him for historical abuse. I gave the police a full account. But when taken in for questioning my husband gave an entirely 'no comment' interview and was released without charge. I don't know if there will be a record of this 🤷‍♀️

Anyway thank you so much everyone x

If someone else has already warned her, then there is not much more to be done for the time being.
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