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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He ate the soup ...

480 replies

Tdcp · 26/03/2022 19:00

I'm really ill, I've had an annoying cough for a few days which today has turned in to a snot fest. I'm tired. I've had a smear test this morning which they've found a few issues with my cervix, I've dragged my arse to Asda, where I bought myself a tin of tomato soup. I drove him 15 minutes away for a walk and picked him and DD up after they were done, had a bath and thought.. I've not eaten yet, I'll go and have that soup.

He doesn't really like tomato soup, in fact I can't recall him ever eating any, that's why I bought one tin. He likes chicken soup which there's 3 tins of as well as other random flavours in the cupboard.

He ate my tomato soup. Ffs. I don't know if this is light hearted or not but after a string of bullshit I'm just a bit fed up right now.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/03/2022 13:05

EVery time you're tempted to settle back into the rut with him, re-read this thread, and the DARVO thing - and also look up Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?"
Here is a blog that details the 10 types of abusive men, as described by Lundy Bancroft - you'll find your partner in there, possibly across more than one category.
betterbeingmainline.com/ten-types-of-abusive-men/

Focus on these things:
• He has stolen £2.5k that your Nan gave you, off you.
• He found out something that made you cry, and then did it again to you, knowing how upset it had made you
• He ate your damn soup, even though he doesn't even like it!!

I know the last one is a little facetious, but that's just a few things to focus on.

He's in the "reconciliation" phase just now - he knows he's pushed you too hard, so now he's reeling you back in by being a bit nicer, so that you immediately think "oh he's not so bad after all" - except he totally IS that bad, and as soon as you relax - WHAM! The next thing.

Keep going with your plans, and remember to clear your browser and change all your passwords.

RandomMess · 27/03/2022 13:10

I really really hope you leave.

You have been so abused by him you have become immune to how bad it really is.

Make your goal to save your DD from witnessing her lovely Mum being abused.

Original poster

Tdcp · 27/03/2022 13:23

Thank you everyone once again. I keep coming on to this thread just to remind myself that I'm not over reacting to anything and the fact that his behaviour is being predicted here makes it even more obvious.
@ThumbWitchesAbroad thank you for that link and the advice

OP posts:

GrowingUpIsATrap · 27/03/2022 13:24

@Tdcp you're ill and making the bed, and instead of practically helping you he has tried to convince you he's not actually 'the bad guy'. He is probably trying to stop you asking about the money again.

The only person he cares about is him. He wants to keep you in your place because it serves him. If he cared two hoots about you then he would have made today special for you. He wouldn't do things that's deliberately upsetting to you. He wouldn't be planning a move that will make your life harder and prevent you from following your own hopes and dreams.

He gives you little scraps of affection to try and fool you into thinking he cares about you and loves you.

Someone who really and truly loves you would be in your corner and trying to make your life better. Supporting you to follow your ambitions and work more so you can have a better life and feel better. Instead he is deliberately blocking you.

Start making a list on your phone in 'notes' of all the crappy things he has done. I bet you'll keep remembering and thinking of things once you start. Then when you're feeling a little shaky about your resolve, you can read over it and remind yourself what kind of person he is.

Original poster

Tdcp · 27/03/2022 13:28

10, 8, 4, 3, 2 and 1.... He does all of those or has done at some point. I feel like he's moved from being one way until I'm cracked then he's moved on to the next. I had a pixie cut once, I loved it, we went on holiday and he refused to talk to me or be near me in public for a week because he was ashamed of how I look and embarrassed to be seen with me. He also called me names like I'm over weight and look like a butch lesbian (his words obviously).

OP posts:

theotherfossilsister · 27/03/2022 13:34

@junglejane66

Heinz tomato soup is 6 tins for £4 in ASDA, who buys 1 tin?

Someone not well who nips to the corner shop. Really not the point though.

Original poster

Tdcp · 27/03/2022 13:42

junglejane66

Heinz tomato soup is 6 tins for £4 in ASDA, who buys 1 tin?

😂 I did buy other things as well, a few people have got hung up on me buying a tin of soup. I was doing a medium sized food shop, went past the soup and thought I fancied it for dinner and grabbed one. I had the discussion in my head "should I get more? ..No there's no point because no one else likes tomato and there's other soup in the cupboard"

It's been a nice catalyst though.

OP posts:

LottyD32 · 27/03/2022 13:51

@Tdcp

Does he work op? Will you get time hes out of the house to put things in place? Yes he works. I plan on making phone calls tomorrow whilst he's out. At the very least trying to sign on to universal credit, then I can apply for houses

Good.

I think I saw a link once to something that helped you plan how to leave during their work hours. Maybe someone else knows what I mean and can find you the link.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 27/03/2022 14:00

@junglejane66

Heinz tomato soup is 6 tins for £4 in ASDA, who buys 1 tin?

Someone who is a victim of financial abuse. FFS, read the room - or at least the full thread before making snide comments. You're not funny.

Whatwouldnanado · 27/03/2022 14:58

Thinking about you OP. What's your plan? I would be wary of confiding in sil. So much good advice here. You can do this!

Original poster

Tdcp · 27/03/2022 15:42

The plan is to see what advice woman's aid have to offer and apply for universal credit whilst looking / applying for a house to rent nearby. I don't plan on telling him and just moving out one day. I've told him before that I'm going to leave and he works and works on me and grinds me down, I have major self doubt and a really bad guilt complex and he knows this and he does use it.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/03/2022 16:21

Next piece of advice and something to read up on:
Have you heard of "grey rocking" someone? It's where you do your best to act like a grey rock - no matter what they throw at you, you don't respond in an emotional way, you distance yourself and behave like a plain grey rock, allowing all their emotional battering to just bounce off your surface.

Link: www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/grey-rock-method
(note that, if he starts to escalate, then a different approach might be needed at that point) - but it's generally very effective in dealing with abusive partners, especially within yourself, because you stop reacting like you used to. That helps you to become stronger and more sure of what you need (immovable like the rock!)

It also helps you to see through when he's trying to sweeten you up - because when you don't respond "correctly", he will drop that act and get frustrated. BUT keep yourself safe at all times! If he starts behaving in a threatening manner, then don't ignore that - but stay calm and unemotional, as much as possible.

You are doing really well, by the way - it's a big deal, going from thinking he's "not that bad" to "OMG, I have to leave" and putting those wheels in motion.

REignbow · 27/03/2022 16:35

See what WA say, but personally I think you may need to go into a refuge.

billy1966 · 27/03/2022 17:10

Remember to tell them that he has stolen your inheritance and put it into his account.

This is a police matter
You could also report it to the bank as stolen money.

Please do not let this go.

Original poster

Tdcp · 27/03/2022 17:23

I'm having a wobble. What if I'm blowing this out of proportion or it's my fault for arguing with him. What if he's right and it's my past issues affecting how I am.what if I really am remembering things wrong or my brain is changing how things happened like his says? I feel so stupid.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 27/03/2022 17:28

@Tdcp

He took money your grandmother gave you and put it in his account and refuses to return it. You are not over reacting

HelloSpringIveMissedYou · 27/03/2022 17:28

You are not stupid, what happened to your Gran's money she left you?

LittleOwl153 · 27/03/2022 17:29

What you past is affecting is your judgement of what he is doing. He is using your past against you to cloud your judgement of what is right and wrong now.

You can do this. Stay strong. Get out for your kids if not for yourself. What would you say to one of them living like this?

timeisnotaline · 27/03/2022 17:33

You’re not blowing anything out of proportion.

ReadtheReviews · 27/03/2022 17:46

One of the most upsetting relationship threads I've read for a while. You're not overreacting OP. Please save yourself from any more of this abuse and save your DD.

Original poster

Tdcp · 27/03/2022 17:57

Thank you all so much, I don't know where I'd be without all of you right now

OP posts:

ChinstrapBobblehat · 27/03/2022 18:05

OP, you are not stupid and you’re not blowing things out of proportion. This is one of the most upsetting threads I’ve seen on here in a while - you are being gaslit and emotionally, sexually and financially abused. You have been conditioned to doubt yourself, but please don’t.

I know it’s easy for a bunch of strangers on the internet to tell you to leave and life is never that simple, but please stay strong and keep taking steps towards getting yourself and your daughter out of this terrible situation. You both deserve better x

Whatwouldnanado · 27/03/2022 18:16

You are not stupid! You can do this...Think about the example you are setting your daughter, what would you tell her to do? Have you contacted your gran?

Original poster

Tdcp · 27/03/2022 18:16

I feel like this is all a bit mad, I've told you all a couple of basic snippets from my life and I've been told by everyone here that I'm being abused in numerous ways and by some that I should seek a refuge. I wish I could remember all of the other things he's said and done, some of it comes back to me and then I wonder what someone would make of that. How on earth have I been defending his behaviour to people or spent the last decade looking after him and out for him. Probably because he hasn't hit me so I just keep thinking it's not that bad or I'm the one that's being unreasonable. I even thought I was abusive for a while.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tdcp · 27/03/2022 18:18

Have you contacted your gran?

No I haven't told anyone and chances are I won't do either. My grandad is in and out of hospital right now with tumours, cancer and breathing issues such as fluid on the lungs. They have enough going on

OP posts:

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