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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He ate the soup ...

480 replies

Tdcp · 26/03/2022 19:00

I'm really ill, I've had an annoying cough for a few days which today has turned in to a snot fest. I'm tired. I've had a smear test this morning which they've found a few issues with my cervix, I've dragged my arse to Asda, where I bought myself a tin of tomato soup. I drove him 15 minutes away for a walk and picked him and DD up after they were done, had a bath and thought.. I've not eaten yet, I'll go and have that soup.

He doesn't really like tomato soup, in fact I can't recall him ever eating any, that's why I bought one tin. He likes chicken soup which there's 3 tins of as well as other random flavours in the cupboard.

He ate my tomato soup. Ffs. I don't know if this is light hearted or not but after a string of bullshit I'm just a bit fed up right now.

OP posts:
mistyoak · 27/03/2022 09:36

Happy Mother’s Day @Tdcp. Enjoy your daughter.

When you say he’s looking at a house - do you mean for him / you / all of you?

It’s just a matter of time til you leave and the freedom will taste sweet. One step at a time. One day at a time.

Original poster
Tdcp · 27/03/2022 09:37

Anyone you can talk to in real life?
I'm close to my sil, she's married to his brother. She knows a lot of our relationship but she prefers to listen and not really get involved, I mean she's been listening to me for years and I've never left so I feel irritating. She's never made me feel that way or anything,she has said if I leave then she'll stand by me though. She's also made a few comments about him in the past like .."if dh did that I'd be heartbroken" or "I don't know how you're still dealing with this". I'm not putting it across right well I don't think.
She's supportive but she's in a difficult position basically. But that's it. I have no one else.

OP posts:
SpiderVersed · 27/03/2022 09:38

You’ve been very brave, OP. Women’s Aid was founded to help women in your situation; they have a lots of experience and will help.
Have some Mother’s Day flowers 💐

Original poster
Tdcp · 27/03/2022 09:40

When you say he’s looking at a house - do you mean for him / you / all of you?

All of us. We've been trying to move for years because our neighbours are awful. It's also tiny. This one he's looking at is next to his dad but it's also too far from school etc. He's making it harder for me to work whilst at the same time berating me for not having a better job. It's also expensive and it's definitely above our means but he doesn't listen to me.

OP posts:
Justheretoseemnormal · 27/03/2022 09:47

You were the first person I thought about this morning. I really hope you're okay xx

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/03/2022 09:48

Don’t move with him and definitely don’t have your name on it or sign anything.
Let women’s aid help you.
And get some counselling as you need to learn to like yourself and get that self esteem back 💙

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 27/03/2022 10:00

Please report the money stolen- or could you access his bank account to transfer the money to yourself? That money will come in handy if you need to move with your DD (and I suspect that’s why your nan gave it to you)

JustPlainKnackered · 27/03/2022 10:01

Don't cave, follow the advice women's aid give you, free yourself and your daughter from this vile man - if not for yourself, do it for your daughter; could you really bear to see her continue in the cycle of abuse that you have been in with your mother and then this scumbag of a man? Show her that she deserves more, you deserve more.
All the best, happy Mother's Day.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/03/2022 10:04

I'd be tempted to report him to the police for theft of your money.

Probably best to get yourself and dd out and safe first though.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 27/03/2022 10:16

Who's name is the current house in?

comfortablyfrumpy · 27/03/2022 10:17

It all sounds like coercive control. Hope you hear back from Women's Aid soon OP. X

Original poster
Tdcp · 27/03/2022 10:20

Who's name is the current house in?
I made a huge deal of putting my name on the lease last year so now it's in both of ours. He's lived here for almost 20 years though and has a really good relationship with the landlord, done work for her etc, I've never talked to her or met her.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 27/03/2022 10:28

Please leave. Can you go to your nans today? I bet your daughter still wets the bed because she's stressed. Can you get your name taken off the rental contract?

LottyD32 · 27/03/2022 10:36

Does he work op? Will you get time hes out of the house to put things in place?

Wilkolampshade · 27/03/2022 10:47

Hi OP.
If you need to see things for what they are and are finding it difficult I sometimes think it helps to ask yourself what you would want your daughter to do if she were in the same situation.
I think the answer is obvious. Flowers

Cherrysoup · 27/03/2022 11:04

Don’t put your name on the tenancy if you move, then you aren’t liable for the rent.

Original poster
Tdcp · 27/03/2022 11:46

Does he work op? Will you get time hes out of the house to put things in place?
Yes he works. I plan on making phone calls tomorrow whilst he's out. At the very least trying to sign on to universal credit, then I can apply for houses

OP posts:
Original poster
Tdcp · 27/03/2022 12:16

He hasn't said a word to me so far, apart from the summer disagreement. I've had a bath to clear my sinuses (my god I'm rough today) DD has been upstairs with me. I've gone downstairs to put washing in the tumble dryer and he just blanked me. I don't even care anymore. I looked up DARVO and that's basically his entire personality right there! I'm sick of being treated badly by people. I must have a massive sign on my back saying " easy target"

OP posts:
worriedaboutmoney2022 · 27/03/2022 12:34

@Tdcp

It's nice to see other perspectives on this if I'm honest. I never know if I'm over reacting or anything. I mean.. I barely reacted to this at all but the fact I've been busy all day and I feel like shit and he ate the one thing I wanted...

I bought my own mother's Day flowers and chocolate today as well. £5, flowers and £2 chocolates.

I think you have bigger problems than a tin of soup to worry about he sounds awful 😞
Original poster
Tdcp · 27/03/2022 12:50

He's started working on me now 😑 he came in the bedroom whilst I was making the bed and sort of pushed me over and laid on me like he was hugging me, told me that he knows he's not the most loving person and he knows he doesn't always say things right etc etc but all he thinks about is me and dd. Then mentioned the washing etc ( I have a double bed in the box room with the dryer on the box thing .. the garden gets zero sun) being dry in the new house because it's sunny etc etc. I'm trying to stay in the right mind set that he's a complete twat.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/03/2022 12:53

Whilst you're planning things like this, don't get caught up in silly rows, such as why British Summertime (as in the time our clocks are now set to as of the early hours of this morning) isn't the same as Meteorological or Astronomical Spring.

He may well be able to start an argument in an empty room, but you don't have to join in.

junglejane66 · 27/03/2022 12:55

Heinz tomato soup is 6 tins for £4 in ASDA, who buys 1 tin?

Mummytobe93 · 27/03/2022 12:55
  1. Get another tin of soup
  2. Spike it with something 🧪
  3. let him have it

Alternatively

LTB!!!

Iloveyourbracelet · 27/03/2022 12:56

Oh this thread is heartbreaking. He's emotionally, sexually and financially abusive. The squaring up to you is physical. He's using his body to make you back down. I doubt he's better than he used to be. He's just managed to get you trapped into a spiral of not challenging him or questioning him so he doesn't need to be as bad as he used to be. He's evil, and what he's doing to you is a crime. The blindfold thing ... You know it was wrong of him but you are so far into this cycle of abuse that you couldn't really do anything about it at the time - it sounds like you went into freeze mode (flight, fight or freeze). You didn't do anything wrong and you don't deserve any of what this evil bastard is doing. Please can you disclose to someone in real life who you trust?

HelloSpringIveMissedYou · 27/03/2022 12:57

OP you deserve so much better than him, he's sounds awful, putting you down and coercing you into doing things you don't want to do.

You know yourself what's right, go with your instinct.

At the risk of tipping you, I also think you have covid and not a summer cold, I have the exact symptoms as you and when I tested it practically flashed positive. Failing that don't test and sneeze on him, hopefully karma will make him get it and whilst he's bed bound you can get sorted and leave the waste of space Wink

Wishing you lots of luck and don't let him talk you into things you don't want x