He ate the soup ...

[Tdcp]

I'm really ill, I've had an annoying cough for a few days which today has turned in to a snot fest. I'm tired. I've had a smear test this morning which they've found a few issues with my cervix, I've dragged my arse to Asda, where I bought myself a tin of tomato soup. I drove him 15 minutes away for a walk and picked him and DD up after they were done, had a bath and thought.. I've not eaten yet, I'll go and have that soup.

He doesn't really like tomato soup, in fact I can't recall him ever eating any, that's why I bought one tin. He likes chicken soup which there's 3 tins of as well as other random flavours in the cupboard.

He ate my tomato soup. Ffs. I don't know if this is light hearted or not but after a string of bullshit I'm just a bit fed up right now.

So glad to see you have found your voice, and you are finding a way to use your strength and courage.

Be careful- men like this can start on the nice act when they realise they are losing their grip on you, but it can be the most dangerous time.

Presumably if your daughter is with CAMHS her school is aware that she’s having mental health issues, but it would be worth keeping them up to date so that they can offer her pastoral support (CAMHS are not speedy with communication).

As a OP said, you need to contact the police about the the photos your partner has posted online. Your previous traumatic experiences may have impacted your judgement about just how far over the boundary your partner’s sexual conduct is. You may well need a paper trail in terms of what contact he can have with you going forward.

People who don't have £4 to blow on food they are not eating today.

Or is that incomprehensible to you, @junglejane66 ?

OP - you are doing brilliantly.
Your intelligence, humour & self-awareness shine through your posts, despite the miserable circumstances you have been managing for so long. Your DD & DN are lucky to have you.

You thoroughly deserve your exciting new job, & all the other lovely positive changes you are going to be making to your life soon. Listen to PP like Inertia upthread though - be ready for the manipulations & head-fuckery to start up from your selfish wee man. He is going to hate seeing you gain strength, & will pull every trick in the book to prevent you from leaving.

I’ve just read all your posts op (but not the comments so sorry if it’s been covered). You need to get that money back he’s taken from you. You may need it now to start a new life for your dd. Is he likely to leave the house or will you have to?

Thanks once again for the support. I start my job tomorrow and I'm exhausted today, I've spent 3 hours sleeping on and off on the sofa whilst dd is playing her games. I need to prepare and go to asda for this week's food shop plus lunches I don't usually do..(i have inattentive adhd and I find it really hard to organise).

To answer a few questions, I don't believe he's dangerous but I am aware so don't worry about that. He's more likely to be quiet / upset and into himself with pity or work me by being lovely than anything else, the first one is most likely.

He won't leave, he's lived here 20 years, plus I don't really want the house, it's beyond small, the neighbours are horrendous etc. I'm fine with leaving. I wish he would also as it'd help him loads but I doubt he will without me.

I told him honestly how I feel about things last night. A few things came out that I'd forgotten about, like him seeking attention online. He basically blamed for me for it in a roundabout way. I said pretty much that he only gives me attention when he's horny but I don't want to have sex with him because then he ignores me again but I know if I don't have sex with him, he goes online and talks to other women. That's when I realised in my truest self that I honestly just can't live like this anymore. That's when he knew, I honestly can't live like this anymore.

I dont hate him, I don't even dislike him, that's the hardest part. I know how much he's suffered with his mental health and I'm the only person to ever really try and help him, and I have helped, he's a thousand times better off now than he was when I met him, but like I said to him, it's at a detriment to me. I've told him...again.. that he needs proper therapy / treatment / medication / diagnosis because there's nothing else I can do for him but he won't take it. Nothing will change. So I'm leaving. I just hope he's alright when I'm not here to hold him up anymore.

I know that's an odd thing to say considering the circumstances but with him it's not cut and dry that he's a nasty abuser. Yes he's been abusive, yes he's been nasty but he has real mental health problems that need seeing to. (Not a cop out, he does) he just need to seek that himself and not through me now.

Sorry if I didn't answer anything, I'm just really tired right now.

You need to acknowledge that not all danger is physical. Your child has panic attacks. I’m talking about his behaviour. His psychological abuse is dangerous. Growing up with in fear of how that man’s is going to react means that it is impossible for your child to genuinely feel safe. The threat of moods and how they affect YOU also hang over her head. This is far too much responsibility for a child. This is why her counsellor was asking if you were being hurt. Your child lives in fear. All the time.

@Tdcp you are amazing and such an inspiration! I am so happy for you that you’ve found the strength to put your daughter and yourself first. I am sure you have a wonderful life ahead xx

There are very very few people who are only nasty abusers. Most people are shades of light and dark. Most people have to be charming to begin a relationship, they need to share vulnerability to deepen it. If abusers were only hateful cunts they wouldn't be able to abuse anyone.

Don't downplay what you have suffered because you love him, because he has admirable qualities, and a tough life. Keep seeking support from Women's Aid.

Did I understand correctly from a previous post that he shared intimate pictures of you online? It's your choice whether or not to go straight to the police - but if you don't make sure he's fully aware what you will do if he does it again. The police would love to bring a few more cases to court and seize all of his electronics.

I agree with all of this. His behavior is criminal and abusive it's not safe to be around him. He's a sexual abuser.

All of the above - he's dreadful, you are having an awful life, and worse - you are teaching your daughter to accept this sort of sh*t treatment in her relationships.

Please don't do this to her.

Be careful - I'm lucky, my ex washed his hands of me and the kids and immediately (like, that evening) moved onto a new girlfriend, and would ideally like me and the kids to disappear in a puff of smoke.

If he's more interested in control and revenge, then you being on the lease for the place he can hold against you as you are now jointly liable for the rent. If you can get a copy of the rental agreement and inform the landlord it would probably be worth it.

Can I also say, grey rock this as much as possible - I know I'm lucky, but I also know that keeping my mouth shut even when I want to tell him all the ways he's hurt me and the kids, all the ways I'm disappointed in him, and all the things I wished had happened or he'd done differently, has worked out for the best. The very, very rare conversations we've had, I've remembered interview training, where I was taught to let silences ride rather than give into my urge to fill it. To take a breath before I speak, and consider if I should really say it. If the relationship is ending, which it is, tell your therapist (get a therapist), don't offload on him, because it's just not productive. Every conversation should have a clear aim in your head, and not stray from the course. It will keep things cleaner, honestly.

I've read the whole thread and you are doing so well OP

You've had so much fab advice. MN at it's best.

I'm sorry if i've missed it, but have you got your wages (plus that 2k) in a bank account which he has absolutely zero access to?

Also, have you prepared a small 'rushed leave' bag which you can keep somewhere?
Your birth cert. plus DDs.
Passports.
Any documents you would find hard to get duplicates of quickly.
Spare phone charger?
Maybe a small amount of cash?

This was a god send to me in a previous life.

The violence thing. I know you said you're aware of it and it's ok ect. Please be wary right up until the very moment you leave. My XH wouldn't have said boo to a goose. I was open about the fact i was leaving him, and over the two weeks before i left he went through an indifferent phase, then slagging me off to anyone near enough phase, then the begging me to stay phase. Then went all weirdly jolly. Then he the night i actually went he got nasty and was violent to me in front of the DCs I would never in a million years have thought he would be capable of it.

Gaurd yourself and your precious DD.

Good luck tomorrow OP, it sounds like you’ve really made the decision to leave in your heart now.
Do let us know how you get on at work.

Good luck tomorrow, be prepared for him to do anything to sabotage it.

I agree with the sabotage. Be prepared for a massive decline in his “mental health” or a sudden “illness”. This man needs to control you at all times. The idea that you might have the prospect of freedom will scare the shit out of him. Don’t let anything get in the way. If he has a “heart attack”, call an ambulance from work. If he claims he is suicidal, call the police and ask for an emergency welfare check. You need this.

I just wanted to say I’m so proud of you for recognising what is happening, taking support and strength from others’ experiences. I didn’t comment before as I don’t have experience to help, but was glad to see the update.

now waiting to hear you and DD are installed in your own house.

I have just got back to your thread - didn't go on MN at all while I was on holiday! - and am really incredibly proud of you too, not only for getting the job, but also for facing up to the whole appalling situation.

Very few people are completely 100% awful, and yes I'm sure he does have genuine mental health problems - but the fact that he refuses to address them appropriately, or take meds for them, means that he honestly doesn't give a shiny shit how that affects his relationships with you and your DD. He's utterly self-centred, and there really is no need for you to continue to deal with it - which you have realised and are aiming to get out.

But you need to mentally distance yourself from him too - he isn't your responsibility. You cannot make him go to therapy or take his meds, because he's an adult. You can't even get him into hospital unless he does something that puts either himself or someone else into immediate danger - and no one wants that to happen. So your only protection now from his mental illness is to distance yourself, and not be his comfort blanket, nor his support network, and definitely not his safety net.

Keep going lovely - you're doing all the right things.

Good luck for tomorrow OP, you can do this!

Hope todays gone ok 😀

"Hope todays gone ok 😀"

Loved it 😀. I have a bad headache from all the information but it was great.

you are amazing

@Tdcp

today I got accepted for a really good job!

Dear OP - I've just caught up in your thread (mainly your own posts) and wanted to add my congratulations on getting a better job. Well done! You are one step closer to moving away with your daughter and getting both of you out of the awful circumstances you are both currently living in.

To say that man doesn't deserve either of you is a huge understatement. I bet you will be amazed at how much "lighter" emotionally you will both feel without the weight of that man around you all the time. I am willing you on l, together with the rest of the wonderful people on this thread.

You are so incredibly strong - I hope you are beginning to recognise this.

Good luck to both of you for a much happier future. 🌹

I’m so glad your first day went well!

Go Wonder Woman!!!

Little update:
I put down a holding deposit on a house today! My application is being sent off to the landlord with a few others. I really hope I get it!

My job is great! I had a stressful day yesterday but everyone's so lovely and I'm really enjoying it. I like having a desk 😂. I get to wander off and do bits and bats and I have my own solo responsibilities too which is amazing.

I hope you're all doing well!