He ate the soup ...

[Tdcp]

I'm really ill, I've had an annoying cough for a few days which today has turned in to a snot fest. I'm tired. I've had a smear test this morning which they've found a few issues with my cervix, I've dragged my arse to Asda, where I bought myself a tin of tomato soup. I drove him 15 minutes away for a walk and picked him and DD up after they were done, had a bath and thought.. I've not eaten yet, I'll go and have that soup.

He doesn't really like tomato soup, in fact I can't recall him ever eating any, that's why I bought one tin. He likes chicken soup which there's 3 tins of as well as other random flavours in the cupboard.

He ate my tomato soup. Ffs. I don't know if this is light hearted or not but after a string of bullshit I'm just a bit fed up right now.

Just be careful about the therapy thing, he might assume if he agrees then you'll stay.

It would definitely help him be a better father and happier in himself though if he does but your main concern should be you, your DD, leaving and your new job.

In fact I'd probably not even raise it at the moment.

No, no, no, no, NO!

Never ever enter therapy with an abusive partner. That's therapy 101.

If he wants to go to therapy and sort himself out, great, but if he comes back having given the therapist a very one sided story, and starts sentences such as "well they said that you need to accept some of the blame", and "they're worried that actually you're the one that needs counselling", then he'll be just like every other twat that ends up using therapy as a weapon.

Just don't.

Sorry, touched a nerve there.

It’s a desperate act to try and make you think he’s changed IMO - I’d be massively sceptical about it, it’s too little way too late

Urgh. I hate this. I hate being played and not being fully able to see it or doubting that it's even happening.

That's OK, that's why we're here.

We were all full of self doubt at some point. You don't get this hardened, or shit-hot spidey senses from birth.

Someone has to gas light us and play us to hell, first.

Having us to hand will hopefully shave a few months off the process for you 😉

I bought myself some new trainers and Run and Fly dungarees that I've been eyeing up for 6 months or so. I would never have bought either before...i didn't hint at wanting them or ask permission . Sounds stupid to say out loud but I'm looking forward to them coming rather than feeling sick and coming up with reasons why I needed them or saying they were a lot cheaper than they actually cost... its a nice feeling.

@lborgia

I'm sorry that anybody has ever been through this, I remember saying to my sil once that I don't even know what's true and what's not any more.

I do feel very looked after on this thread 😊

When my abusive ex left (he found av young girl to prey on), I went clothes shopping with a girlfriend, and bought a very ordinary grey hoodie. I still have it 20 years later.

In 8 years I was not allowed to buy my own clothes, and he always wanted me to look far more "tarty" than I was comfortable with. I didn't own a single slouchy item.

That hoodie reminds me that I am not my clothes, and I can wear what the hell I like!

I hear you. Enjoy the dungarees!

😊

Keep strong op the promising to change is just a way to make you forget everything and shutup-writing a letter doesnt mean anything other than you have proof of what hes like

Oh Mumsnet at its best. Well done OP for being able to take on board so quickly that it was more than just soup (I've only come across your thread today so I've read in one go).

The collective experience on here astounds me that so many women go through the same crap! There really is a script with these horrible abusive men. Makes me appreciate my lovely kind gentle generous funny loving gorgeous DH even more.

Best wishes to you and your little girl for your new life

Hey how's it going OP?

@lilmishap

Okay I guess. We've not argued or anything but he's on his best behaviour. He mentioned looking at houses in passing earlier, I was a but taken aback by it but I didn't say anything. I don't want to be stressed with an atmosphere right now. I have said we'll talk properly later on though. I'm still looking for a house but there just isn't any right now. I'm hoping once I start work on Tuesday something will come up so I'll be officially working for the company to apply for somewhere then.

We had his sisters over earlier and I found out our niece is most likely bi polar. (I don't think he's bi polar but he has traits). Their mum hasn't been involved for donkeys years and was always talked about for being "crazy". Sil found out 2 weeks ago their mum is bi polar. Also runs a risk for dd as she has had depression / anxiety / self harmed at age 5 etc. I'm a bit stressed atm. It'll all be fine but yeah, I feel awful for dn. She's off the rails (14) and manic right now but she's my shining star. We haven't seen much of them for the past couple of years though with life etc unfortunately.

We spilled a lot of words tonight, quite heartfelt and honest. He won't seek any help for his mental health issues (he does have some) and stone walled me on it. After 3 hours I lost it, all these words came shouting out in tears and yeah, I left and came back a few minutes later, apologised and told him that I can't do this any more. He knew I was serious because all he said was " I don't blame you". So yeah. It's really really over. Which I knew but it's different now he knows you know? Anyway thanks for reading if you're still keeping up with it!

Hi op
Just read through the whole thing. What an absolutely horrendous ordeal for you.
I'm so pleased that things seem to be changing for you now. Good luck in your new job. I hope you can find a new home soon.
Wishing you and your daughter all the best.
Take care

What an overreaction
The man ate a soup
He didn't know he ate soup that was especially for you

The problem is not that he ate your soup.the problem is you KNOW he wouldnt go to the store and buy you a new one even though you're sick

So thats is why he is an ass
.
Not because he ate some soup

After 400 posts do you really think you've got something to add by replying to the OP only??

Can you widen your house search, OP? Somewhere near your grandmother, perhaps? I worry that now you've made it clear you're done the nice man façade will turn into full blown abusive.

Also, he sounds the type to make suicide threats once you move out. Don't believe them, even if he manage to check himself into a hospital. The moment you leave him, he's not your responsability anymore (and he won't do it, anyway).

Please be safe. It might be worth contacting your dd's psychologist as a point of support, as she's surely picking up tension in the house.

Hi @Tdcp … I’m late to this thread, but I have read the full thing. You could absolutely have him charged (and potentially jailed) for sharing those images of you without your permission. He is a dangerous man. This should be brought up with DD’s counsellor. His behaviour with you is undoubtedly affecting her anxiety and I think you should consider that his abusive behaviour should impact his future access to DD. You both need to get the fuck out away from him. This job is vital for your self-esteem and your financial security. Please don’t let his voice in your mind undermine this for you and DD’s future. You’re doing so very well. Buy the soup.

Hi OP. Just read the thread. You come across as really strong and sensible. I wish you so much good luck with the future. You deserve it x

I want to add some support here - from another one who's been through similar, although waited until he was actively cheating on me before I ended it.

What reinforced that I did the right thing by ending it, is I would relay little anecdotes about things he'd done - not even the bad stuff I thought, just the rolling my eyes stuff, and my friends would react in total horror/disbelief. That's how out of whack my relationship thermometer had got.

The kids, who I did basically all the care for didn't even notice he'd gone (mind you he travelled more and more for work), and have had no problem adjusting to the new normal (which is basically the same as the old normal, but with him subtracted)

I won't deny I panicked for a bit (OK, 6 months), about the whole single motherhood thing, about being basically confined to quarters after dark, and having to go everywhere with the kids if I was gone more than about an hour (mine are a little older, and there's two of them), but actually, it's fine, the house is chill, I've adjusted and they go to a great childminder, who even takes the load off by feeding them dinner.

It's the little things like that the amount of washing I have to do is halved or I can just go out with the kids without running it by someone else etc. that I really notice my new freedom with. We've been on 3 holidays in the past year, and it was great! I'd always end up looking after them the whole time anyway, but this way we're never waiting for him to decide he's ready to go/taking 2 hours to get dressed and ready in the morning.

I am so proud of how far you have come!! You’re amazing.

don’t fall at this final hurdle. I don’t care if his mental health sucks or he has bipolar or depression. I know many people with the same diagnoses and they aren’t so abusive and controlling of their partners and household that their primary aged child is crippled by anxiety.

he is a giant prick who is happy to ruin your and your daughter’s life to make himself feel better. Any change he pretends to make won’t last.

you have a good job. Your dd will be happier in wrap around care than with her twat of a dad. You have a way out - take it and save yourself and your dd xx

OP you sound like a kind, considerate person. You are eloquent and clearly have a lot other skills. You seem resilient, organised and sensible. Your bastard partner is on a mission to make sure you never get what you deserve from life, and you never realise your worth. Because if you did, you would leave him. He will do what it takes to keep you where you are, and worse.
You must leave, however scary it feels. Take the plunge. You’ve got it. The world is full of kind people who will help you and opportunities he is depriving you of. You’ve got it.