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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He ate the soup ...

480 replies

Tdcp · 26/03/2022 19:00

I'm really ill, I've had an annoying cough for a few days which today has turned in to a snot fest. I'm tired. I've had a smear test this morning which they've found a few issues with my cervix, I've dragged my arse to Asda, where I bought myself a tin of tomato soup. I drove him 15 minutes away for a walk and picked him and DD up after they were done, had a bath and thought.. I've not eaten yet, I'll go and have that soup.

He doesn't really like tomato soup, in fact I can't recall him ever eating any, that's why I bought one tin. He likes chicken soup which there's 3 tins of as well as other random flavours in the cupboard.

He ate my tomato soup. Ffs. I don't know if this is light hearted or not but after a string of bullshit I'm just a bit fed up right now.

OP posts:
GrowingUpIsATrap · 13/04/2022 08:38

@Tdcp congratulations!! I am so pleased for you!!!

Of course he is 'concerned'... You will have some financial independence from him and he will have less control over you. His concerns are nothing to do with his daughter, and more about keeping you reliant on him. If he was really concerned about her, he wouldn't have previously suggested you do night shifts and have to care for her when you're shattered.

What happened with the property you went to look at? Are you staying put for now?

I cannot tell you how happy i am about your job. Well done, that really is amazing.

And your daughter will be absolutely fine in wraparound care. My kids were! They will love it.

GrowingUpIsATrap · 13/04/2022 08:40

Also, just remind yourself... You've got this job to give DD a better life. Don't let him guilt trip you into not taking it.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/04/2022 10:02

@Tdcp

I hope you don't mind but I have a small update, I didn't get an interview for tesco in the end but today I got accepted for a really good job! I'm now worrying about dd though. She'll be in wraparound care from 7:45-5:30 every weekday... does this sound too much? I know I can't be picky and I really want this job but I can't help but feel incredibly anxious about dds mental health and I feel like she's getting a rough deal right now. Is that alright for a 7 year old do you think? I mean is that normal hours? Her dad is "concerned" (I know.. don't worry), but his points are making me really stressed.
It's absolutely fine, your DD will be fine, plenty of parents do this everyday
Tdcp · 13/04/2022 11:57

Thank you guys for the reality check. It's really scary going full time and having dd in full time childcare and being told she'll suffer for it is awful. I'm doing what's best for me and dd in the long run and I need to remember that! You guys are awesome, thank you x

OP posts:
Flatflatflat · 13/04/2022 12:57

I've been in a relationship like this Tdcp and it gets worse. If you stay you'll be fighting for approval and love that you will never ever get and you'll start feeling like you deserve what you do get. You don't deserve this and you WILL be happier when this monster isn't draining the life out of you. You're scared to leave the familiar but a MUCH BETTER life is waiting for you. Sendinghugs x

RandomMess · 13/04/2022 13:11

That's amazing your DD will thrive lots of free play and socialising with peers after all the Covid lockdowns and homeschool. It will be beneficial not to mention how much happier her life will be when you both leave and she no longer has to be part of a toxic household due to her Dad abusing her Mum.

Thanks
ScoobyGrew · 13/04/2022 13:29

I work in different schools and there are plenty of dc who are in before and after club every day and they are all perfectly happy. In fact sometimes a child will talk to me about a friendship with another dc in the school and I will be thinking ' really! I didn't see that' and it will come out that they know each other because they have breakfast together every day.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 13/04/2022 16:11

As much as I can see that this guy is a selfish wanker, I can't totally condemn him for eating the soup, in our house we pretty much eat anything unless something is clearly designated for one person in particular. If you're ill, chicken soup is very nice? If you like it, that is.
But he sounds selfish and mean, not getting you new soup from the shop, and esp re mothers day. Sorry OP, you deserve better 💐

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 13/04/2022 16:13

Only just read re the money - wtf OP, that's outrageous!

SweetGrapes · 13/04/2022 16:58

Congratulations on the new job OP! Flowers

Your dd will be fine in wrap around care. Don't worry.

And thank god he drank the tomato soup... the straw that broke the camel's back and you are coming out stronger than ever!

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2022 17:04

@Tdcp

Thank you guys for the reality check. It's really scary going full time and having dd in full time childcare and being told she'll suffer for it is awful. I'm doing what's best for me and dd in the long run and I need to remember that! You guys are awesome, thank you x
What will he do to avoid the 'suffering'?

Twat.

She won't suffer - the likelihood is she'll have fun and really enjoy it - it's not like it's more lessons!

Congratulations!

CorsicaDreaming · 13/04/2022 17:18

@ScoobyGrew

I work in different schools and there are plenty of dc who are in before and after club every day and they are all perfectly happy. In fact sometimes a child will talk to me about a friendship with another dc in the school and I will be thinking ' really! I didn't see that' and it will come out that they know each other because they have breakfast together every day.

This is a really good point - in his first primary school, my DS went to breakfast club several days and after school club too, and so he made friends across year groups, too, which is really nice to see as otherwise they do tend to very much stick with their own classmates and make few older/younger friends.

They also did some lovely fun activities and he really enjoyed it.

CorsicaDreaming · 13/04/2022 17:22

From the very beginning of primary - so younger than your DD - ours was in from 8am to 5:45pm some days. Have to admit, it wasn't every day - but he was younger and he seemed to really enjoy it and had no issues at all with those days.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 13/04/2022 17:36

God I'm so sorry OP, I hadnt read the full thread, have now. Congratulations on the job, pls do not worry about the wrap-around care, my DC does and loves it. Good luck with everything, you are doing brilliantly, you deserve someone who treats you well 💐

Ravenglass83 · 13/04/2022 18:30

@Tdcp

I hope you don't mind but I have a small update, I didn't get an interview for tesco in the end but today I got accepted for a really good job! I'm now worrying about dd though. She'll be in wraparound care from 7:45-5:30 every weekday... does this sound too much? I know I can't be picky and I really want this job but I can't help but feel incredibly anxious about dds mental health and I feel like she's getting a rough deal right now. Is that alright for a 7 year old do you think? I mean is that normal hours? Her dad is "concerned" (I know.. don't worry), but his points are making me really stressed.
Congratulations and WELL DONE @Tdcp !! Brilliant news Flowers
AfraidToRun · 13/04/2022 19:35

Congratulations! Your daughter will be fine, just make sure you make time for quality time at the weekends which I'm sure you would do anyway. When I was in primary school I used to have to go to my mum's work over the road until she finished. It was quite dull, I'd much rather have preferred to be with others.

Pixiedust1234 · 13/04/2022 22:48

@IDidntKnowItWasAParty

As much as I can see that this guy is a selfish wanker, I can't totally condemn him for eating the soup, in our house we pretty much eat anything unless something is clearly designated for one person in particular. If you're ill, chicken soup is very nice? If you like it, that is. But he sounds selfish and mean, not getting you new soup from the shop, and esp re mothers day. Sorry OP, you deserve better 💐
Did you not read her post? He doesn't like that flavour but he still ate it so she couldn't.

OP - congratulations on your new job! Life can only get better now you realise how undermining he is

Cherrysoup · 13/04/2022 23:29

@Tdcp

I hope you don't mind but I have a small update, I didn't get an interview for tesco in the end but today I got accepted for a really good job! I'm now worrying about dd though. She'll be in wraparound care from 7:45-5:30 every weekday... does this sound too much? I know I can't be picky and I really want this job but I can't help but feel incredibly anxious about dds mental health and I feel like she's getting a rough deal right now. Is that alright for a 7 year old do you think? I mean is that normal hours? Her dad is "concerned" (I know.. don't worry), but his points are making me really stressed.
She will survive, loads of kids do this. The main thing is to extricate yourself and her from this toxic relationship. Good luck, OP!
Weenurse · 16/04/2022 06:49

Kids thrive and become very independent and resourceful, that is not a bad thing.

Weenurse · 16/04/2022 06:54

Congratulations on the new job

SpiderVersed · 16/04/2022 14:35

So delighted for you, OP! Your daughter will be fine, wraparound care is a great place to make friends in other year groups.

Whatwouldnanado · 21/04/2022 16:12

Great news. Please don't worry about your daughter. She will make great friends. Keep making plans for a better life with her on your own.

Tdcp · 24/04/2022 11:44

There's been another update. I had a serious wobble, he was being nice to me and more calm etc, we ended up compromising saying he'll pick dd up at 4 on thursday and friday so she's not at school so long in the week, also said if we move within walking distance of school he can also do morning drop offs at 9 and pick her up at 3 when he's not working. All good. Except it wasn't of course. He's started with the control again, having a go standing over me and dd when she's having an anxiety attack, having a go at dd because of it etc, i didn't stand for it ofc but it still happened, the damage he causes that kid is disgusting.

and then last night, causing a row about nothing, saying I'm awful to him all the time, he can't open his mouth without me shouting at him, (he wanted dd to do another club, i said she won't really have time because i won't be back until 6 every night, he should wait a while and see how she does etc). He said he's constantly walking on egg shells

I laughed. I actually full bellied laughed. I called him out on all of his bullshit, about how things are the way the are with dd, because he's been shit to her, how i take her everywhere because he doesn't go. He wants to take her swimming, except what he means is he MIGHT sit (never in 7 years) and watch while i take her. I wont have time for a while etc. How he's taking out his own insecurities on me and dd, how he's been despicable towards me our entire relationship. Controlling, calling me names, picking on the way i look, talk, act, things i like until im a shell. And then i said it, "I've come to realise lately that you're just like my mother, I've somehow ended up in a relationship with my mother". He started to cry so i told him not to start with the pity me bullshit and me and dd are leaving, or he is, one or the other. I said i dont need him, he needs me. Told him that the only time he shows any interest in me is when hes horny and that the bar is obviously so fucking low for me stay in a relationship and yet he's still fucked it up.

Anyway i woke up this morning to an empty bottle of whiskey and 2 empty bottles of wine. I checked he wasn't dead in his bed and hes just dragged himself out of it and is trying to make me feel sorry for him. I usually would. Id usually stay but not this time. Im so done. I can't wait to leave with dd and my fluffball cats.

Sorry for the ramble and thank you to those that are still here!

OP posts:
Zebracat · 24/04/2022 11:54

Wow. If we had any part in helping you find your voice then I am proud. You have done so well. O f course it is this man’s control hat has caused yourDDs anxiety. He really presses all the buttons. If you don’t work, you’re a user, if you do you’re neglectful. He’s financially controlled you and kept you down for so long, but somehow you have cared for your daughter and found a way through. So so proud of you.

Tdcp · 24/04/2022 12:09

@Zebracat thank you so much, no one's ever said they're proud of me before! You all definitely did help, you helped me accept that i wasn't being sensitive or dramatic and that he is actually controlling and abusive. I mean I've shouted and said things to him before but in reaction to whatever it is he's doing at the time, I'm usually really upset and hurt about it. I'm honestly not this time. I don't care. I just want out. His sister broke up with her partner 2 years ago and has been single parenting. I got so annoyed when she's doing the "feel sorry for me im a single parent" crap (don't get me wrong, i never voiced it and have been there for her) but I've realised i was jealous. I wanted what she has so badly. I know it'll be hard, especially working full time and dd being in childcare so much but shes almost 8, it won't be long before shes in secondary school. It kills me to say that because i do feel like I'm missing out on her but I'll be better for her in almost every way when I'm not dealing with his drama and the stress he puts on us both.

OP posts:
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