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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He ate the soup ...

480 replies

Tdcp · 26/03/2022 19:00

I'm really ill, I've had an annoying cough for a few days which today has turned in to a snot fest. I'm tired. I've had a smear test this morning which they've found a few issues with my cervix, I've dragged my arse to Asda, where I bought myself a tin of tomato soup. I drove him 15 minutes away for a walk and picked him and DD up after they were done, had a bath and thought.. I've not eaten yet, I'll go and have that soup.

He doesn't really like tomato soup, in fact I can't recall him ever eating any, that's why I bought one tin. He likes chicken soup which there's 3 tins of as well as other random flavours in the cupboard.

He ate my tomato soup. Ffs. I don't know if this is light hearted or not but after a string of bullshit I'm just a bit fed up right now.

OP posts:
Whatwouldnanado · 30/03/2022 21:48

You are very wise about not changing your job until you get another. Have you considered contacting animal related organisations? Even if there's no paid work available a few hours volunteering might help towards achieving your dream. Keep strong, and keep posting. So much support here for you.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 31/03/2022 07:33

No, do not give up your job - unless it's something YOU want! I'm curious, and you don't have to tell me obvs, but how is he trying to get you to quit? How on earth is he trying to sell you the fact he thinks you'd be better off without it?
Controlling behaviour at it's finest, that is!

Original poster
Tdcp · 31/03/2022 08:53

@dexterslockedintheshedagain

I was trying to get another job and I needed a reference, my job refuses to give out references ..some excuse about not wanting to be sued. It's not run well and hours are being cut to next to nothing now but the job itself I like. It's physical work but customer based. He said because of x y z I should just fuck them off, I get where he's coming from with it but my point is even if I earn £50 it's still money, some weeks I have no work but at least I have something while I'm trying to get something else.

@Whatwouldnanado

I've wanted to volunteer with animals for years now, I tried to get into it during covid but with schools closing a lot I never did. I'm going to look into it today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tdcp · 31/03/2022 08:54

Sorry I went off on one and forgot my point. I was trying to get another job which I was accepted for but because my job wouldn't give out a reference they revoked the offer of employment so I missed out. I wanted to quit after that tbf but I try to be logical about things

OP posts:
Lwren · 31/03/2022 09:07

This post has become quite sinister and its clear you're in an abusive relationship.
Not allowing you to have your money is one of the most abusive things.

Take DD to your nans, stay there, take her from her school are stick her in one there.
Live with nan for a bit.

It's scary to uproot, but DD is going to see you being treated like this and if she ends up in a marriage like this, you'll never forgive yourself.
Let her see you taking your control back, let her learn as she grows up she deserves more, just the way you did.

I was raised in a house of trauma and abuse, sometimes the smaller acts of abuse were so much worse than the violence, its just a awful way to live, OP.

Please DM me if you need a chat xx

nettie434 · 31/03/2022 09:18

my job refuses to give out references ..some excuse about not wanting to be sued

Well that's all about how they write references. References are now very neutral and say little more than completely verifiable facts - date started, full time or part time etc. You could draft a reference like this for your employer but it looks as if your employer doesn't want you to go. Alternatively next time you apply for a job explain why your current employer won't give you a reference. Volunteering will help as you will have someone else who can vouch for you.

GimmeSleep · 31/03/2022 12:09

Hi Tdcp

Just wanted to say you can do this, please try and ignore the niggles - that's just years of abuse wearing you down and making you doubt yourself Flowers
PS your dino leggings sound awesome Grin

LakieLady · 31/03/2022 12:48

@Tdcp

Sorry I've been quiet, it's a lot to take in. I've spent 10 years with him. Sometimes I say to someone something he's said and they're shocked but it hasn't even registered as out of order to me. I don't even cry any more. Still even now, I think that I'm overreacting or blowing things out of proportion but I go about my day thinking to myself " I don't think he even likes me". I feel so pathetic. I really do need to go. I have 2 cats and obviously DD so leaving isn't easy without a house to go to. I'm going to apply for universal credit but as I live with him I'm not sure how that works
He's been gaslighting you, OP. He's managed to convince you that the manifestly unreasonable is normal. And he's an abusive thief.

I'm afraid that I think UC will probably treat you as a couple when you apply and that his income will be taken into account in assessing your UC. It would be different if one of you had moved elsewhere.

Please speak to Women's Aid. They will know exactly what the best way to approach this situation is.

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2022 13:09

@Tdcp

Sorry I went off on one and forgot my point. I was trying to get another job which I was accepted for but because my job wouldn't give out a reference they revoked the offer of employment so I missed out. I wanted to quit after that tbf but I try to be logical about things
Have you got someone who would give you a personal reference instead? Or a former employer?

Otherwise might be better to say that you're unemployed?

tryanotherone123 · 31/03/2022 14:33

@LollyLol

Soup thief!! This would really wind me up to OP.

It reminds me some years ago I made a huge dish of gorgeous summer pudding, I took it out of the oven to cool a bit. And of course while I was putting DD to bed my DH ate THE ENTIRE dish. It was enough for about 6 servings. He said he "just fancied it" and "didnt realise" I would want some.

Suffice it to say I tore him a new one and since then he has always very meekly checked what size portion he can have when I cook any kind of pudding- so much so I almost feel guilty now.

Don't feel guilty.

You had to do that or he would still be eating all of the things you cooked without considering you at all. If it had to be a confrontation it's because he made it that way, not you.

You wanted him to stop being a selfish git and now he has - good job.

tryanotherone123 · 31/03/2022 15:04

wow @Tdcp, I've just read all you're post. So often a small thing like a can of soup can turn out to be the tip of a very ugly iceberg. I hope you stay strong and do what's right for you. It doesn't seem that being with this man could ever be good for you, and relationships should be. Instead he is mean and controlling and abusive. You mention your self doubt and its very likely because this man is lying to you about everything that he's doing. Black is white, no is yes, abuse is love. For what it's worth I think if you don't leave now you will do it one day. Try not to waste any more years on something that isn't good for you.

RandomMess · 31/03/2022 18:42

You can claim UC as a single person living in the "marital home" provided the relationship has ended and you do no joint shopping/cooking/laundry etc.

Key thing is to have Child Benefit in your name and have it paid into a account in your sole name.

Original poster
Tdcp · 31/03/2022 18:54

Can they check that? I mean, I do all the shopping / cooking etc but can they prove that?

I have an interview at Tesco Smile

OP posts:
GimmeSleep · 31/03/2022 20:23

Good luck Smile

comfortablyfrumpy · 31/03/2022 21:00

Oooh good luck with the interview @Tdcp.

I believe it's pretty standard to be able to claim UC while separated but living under the same roof. Have you used a benefits calculator? There is one here (and I think there are others) benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

AdoraBell · 31/03/2022 22:13

Good luck 🤞

Whatwouldnanado · 31/03/2022 23:03

Fingers crossed for you.

OhamIreally · 02/04/2022 18:06

When is your interview OP?

GrowingUpIsATrap · 03/04/2022 23:56

How are things @Tdcp?

Original poster
Tdcp · 04/04/2022 11:00

When is your interview OP?

They haven't got in contact yet but I did send in my proof of identity etc through a third party.

How are things?

They're ok, we decided on Friday night to take DD away to the beach for Saturday and Sunday, all a bit rushed but it was nice to not be at home for a while. I did have a small wobble but even if you take everything else out of it, I don't want to be here still. I cringe when he touches me or tries to kiss me. Not in a scared way but like I'm grossed out. I'm worried about finances as per usual but I'm sure things will work themselves out. So yeah, just in limbo at the moment.

Oh I do an anxiety course for DD through CAMHS, I didn't say much about my relationship but she rang me on Friday evening asking if I'm being hurt. I said no but I couldn't say much at the time. I see her again on Friday so I'll tell her honestly what's going on right now.

I hope you're all doing well, thanks for checking in. x

OP posts:
GrowingUpIsATrap · 04/04/2022 12:05

@Tdcp good luck with your interview!! I think it sounds like the start of some positive changes for you.

Sounds like you had a nice weekend and i bet DD loved being at the beach

I think that's a really good idea to speak honestly to the CAMHS worker. It sounds like you've made a decision about what you want going forward and hopefully CAMHS will be able to get some support for you to get that in place.

Please keep us updated 😁xx

Whatwouldnanado · 04/04/2022 17:32

So glad you are getting some help with moving forwards. Keep positive and good luck with the job search.

erinandtonic · 04/04/2022 18:51

Hope it all works out for you Thanks

Original poster
Tdcp · 13/04/2022 07:56

I hope you don't mind but I have a small update, I didn't get an interview for tesco in the end but today I got accepted for a really good job! I'm now worrying about dd though. She'll be in wraparound care from 7:45-5:30 every weekday... does this sound too much? I know I can't be picky and I really want this job but I can't help but feel incredibly anxious about dds mental health and I feel like she's getting a rough deal right now. Is that alright for a 7 year old do you think? I mean is that normal hours? Her dad is "concerned" (I know.. don't worry), but his points are making me really stressed.

OP posts:
GastroNuisance · 13/04/2022 08:16

Oh wow. I've read all your posts OP. Congratulations on the new job. That's brilliant.

Honestly the wrap around care will be fine. Being independent and leaving the soup wanker will be so worth it. Your DD will learn you're putting her future first with these decisions. Good luck.