He ate the soup ...

[Tdcp]

I'm really ill, I've had an annoying cough for a few days which today has turned in to a snot fest. I'm tired. I've had a smear test this morning which they've found a few issues with my cervix, I've dragged my arse to Asda, where I bought myself a tin of tomato soup. I drove him 15 minutes away for a walk and picked him and DD up after they were done, had a bath and thought.. I've not eaten yet, I'll go and have that soup.

He doesn't really like tomato soup, in fact I can't recall him ever eating any, that's why I bought one tin. He likes chicken soup which there's 3 tins of as well as other random flavours in the cupboard.

He ate my tomato soup. Ffs. I don't know if this is light hearted or not but after a string of bullshit I'm just a bit fed up right now.

Hi op. I’m a bit worried about your money, you said you had an verdraft because you are responsible for all the bills, so worried it will have just paid off all his bills?

Use your money to put a deposit on a home for you and your daughter. Don't let him know where you are. His cruelty, both mental and physical is horrible to read about, let alone live with. If you can survive him you can do anything you want to
I wish MN could stage an intervention to get you away from him

Here for you OP. How did this afternoon go? I bloody well hope you wore your comfy leggings. Have you heard from WA? x

How did this afternoon go? I bloody well hope you wore your comfy leggings. Have you heard from WA?

It was a bit odd, he's been fine with me today, he knows he's over done it so I don't think he wants to push me anymore, he even said that if we apply for this house and get it and things don't change with him then he'll happily give me every penny he has and move me himself. Obviously moving with him isn't on my list of priorities.

Womans aid have sent me a bunch of links and services. I'm reading through them all now but most if it is if you're scared of violence etc.

I did wear my leggings, I know he wanted to say something but he didn't, which is a small win. He even commented on how rough I looked when I was sat in his dad's garden, which is his way of being sympathetic / recognising that I'm actually ill I guess.

Just yeah, feeling a bit lost right now but I'm motoring through. There's nowhere to rent right now for me and DD but I'm keeping a look out, which I can do now I have money back

This is a man who sexually, financially and emotionally abuses you, and now he is likely to be alerted that you are making plans to leave him

This is a very dangerous time OP. I think you need to leave. I really do

When I left my ex husband I didn't even plan to do it. I drove to work, realised I couldn't go on another moment, drove to the kids school and childcare, collected them, waited till the coast was clear at home, double backed, packed a couple of bags and fled.

Sorted out the rest of my stuff later, and then finances, and then contact, and all the rest of it. Please don't delay while you make complex plans.

OP I'm sure this is why your nan gave you that money. She'll be so happy when you get away from this horrible man.

I can't tell you how lovely it will feel for just you and your DD to have your own peaceful place together.

Good luck and strength xx

@Tdcp it might be worth typing into google 'domestic abuse service' and your city. In my city our local domestic abuse service is not run by women's aid. You can try that and try calling them tomorrow if you get a chance.

Hope you are OK x

Tdcp Just wanted to say that I'm glad you've got some of your money back and wore your leggings. Important steps for you to show that you are your own person. Stay brave. I like to think of you eventually living with your daughter and cats, dressed how you like and sneezing very loudly whenever you need to.

Can you check if your council has a service for people fleeing?

@MasterBeth

He'd never go so I wouldn't even ask.

This is the problem, not the soup. Who wouldn’t go out to help/treat their partner when she was ill/tired/fed up?

100% this!

@LollyLol

Soup thief!! This would really wind me up to OP.

It reminds me some years ago I made a huge dish of gorgeous summer pudding, I took it out of the oven to cool a bit. And of course while I was putting DD to bed my DH ate THE ENTIRE dish. It was enough for about 6 servings. He said he "just fancied it" and "didnt realise" I would want some.

Suffice it to say I tore him a new one and since then he has always very meekly checked what size portion he can have when I cook any kind of pudding- so much so I almost feel guilty now.

He 'didn't realise' you'd want something you'd gone to the trouble of cooking!?! Oh come on! Of course he realised he just didn't give a toss. Like a naughty dog running off with the Chicken. Highly unattractive

@Ryderneedsus

I once had dental surgery that meant I could not eat solid food for a week. I bought some yogurts and pudding cups. My DH had never eaten either during our 6 years together. However, when I bought them and it was the only thing I could eat, he decided to eat them all. Once I was recovered he never ate them again. I think it is a territorial power thing.

Even now, a decade later he cannot leave food alone if I say it is earmarked for something. e.g. if I buy biscuits for a friend that is visiting, he will ask if he can have one every hour before the visit, even if we have many other biscuits in the house. If I say he can have one he will eat the packet.

How can you be married to someone like this??? Yuck

In not sure if anyone said this already, but saying he will give you the other $500 after he gets paid means that he WASN'T keeping it for a deposit, he had starting to spend it.

Have I got the wrong end of this?

It's very easy for someone like this to beat us down when we have some kind of neurodiversity. Life can be quite challenging, and they bank on us not having the energy/ capacity to handle it all and just giving in. They won't necessarily know why we're like that, but he'll be very good at working out weaknesses, whatever yours look like.

The fact that you haven't given up this time is SPECTACULAR.

@HallucinatingHilda

He's called me a doormat when it comes to other people before now, I remember saying does that mean he thinks I'm a doormat to him as well? Apparently that's different though of course. I really struggle socially, he thinks I'm pathetic for it or making it up, he can't seem to make up his mind on which he thinks. The fact that he has really bad social anxiety should mean he understands more but he doesn't.

He said he was keeping the money so it didn't go on bills. He has money in his bank account to pay the £500 but he doesn't want to give me that incase he has to pay down on this house .. I just sort of sighed when he said it. I'm out of energy to deal with it now.

I have my first night out in years and years on Friday, I'm having the whole "find excuses not to go" thing but I'm going and I'm going to have fun! He asked how I'm going to get home, I said I'd walk if there isn't a bus (it isn't far, about 20 minutes) he mentioned a taxi and I freaked out saying no, I will not get in a taxi by myself when I've had a drink, no. He kept insisting but he never once asked me why I freaked out about it, still hasn't. He just thinks I'm being difficult rather than considering something might have happened to me before. Anyway I'm trying to get a couple of books but I can't just go round spending money so I'm hoping they have them in the library so he doesn't find out. The recommendations of why does he do that and should I stay or should I go. I think they'll both help me a lot. I just have to figure out a way to get them and read them without him finding out.

He's also trying really hard to make me quit my job. They're a bit shit and my hours are screwy right now but I don't want to leave unless I actually get something else

Here’s a PDF of Why Does He Do That? So, you can read it now, for free: www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

@Tdcp

He's also trying really hard to make me quit my job. They're a bit shit and my hours are screwy right now but I don't want to leave unless I actually get something else

Typical abuser strategy.

This is awful, please get you and your DD out OP, you deserve so much more than this

Oh OP, big virtual hug from me.

I was in your position not so long ago. He didn't like the way I yawned so I tried very hard not to. He didn't like me wearing trousers or pyjamas. I told him of past abuse and started crying he said I was over reacting. The reason I think was that if he acknowledged the abuse it might inconvenience him by not feeling like he was allowed to sexually harass me. He refused to take any interest in my many appointments even when I needed to go into hospital. This is all classis textbook wanker. If you're not ready to call it abuse that's fine, but he practical. You want help to leave so use the resources Women's Aid have given you. You can work out the rest later. My ex never hit me and I only sought help after I had left. The people at the DA charity were lovely and said everything else definitely amounted to abuse. They really listened and had really nice tea!

I've been out a while now. It took me six months and a lot of personal therapy. Leaving is a process. It starts with hope and with dreaming about what your life can be. It moves on to finding information, then planning then that step of moving out. For some people it happens very quickly for others it takes a little longer. I'm grateful every day that I left and that the only person I have to answer to is myself. My body, my mind and my emotions are mine and I control them as I see fit. I am free.

@Hausa

Thank you so much for that!

@AfraidToRun

Thank you for sharing your experience with me, it really does help. I'm so sorry that you went through it though x

You’re very welcome! It’s a really eye opening read, and I hope you find it helpful.

@Tdcp

He's also trying really hard to make me quit my job. They're a bit shit and my hours are screwy right now but I don't want to leave unless I actually get something else

Please don't let him make you quit your job. It might not be what you want long term, but it gives you a degree of independence.

Just a thought: could you do any reading of Lundy etc at work - in break times or stay a bit late?

Re the £500. I bet he's spent it. Sit tight on your £2000, don't use it on anything joint with him. Think of it as your "running away money".

Just a thought: could you do any reading of Lundy etc at work - in break times or stay a bit late?

I don't get a break at work, I'm usually alone and I finish just as DD finishes school so I rush I get her afterwards. I plan on going to bed early and reading it then which is fine if it's on my phone as I don't need a light on.

I really just want to fuck him off and do the veterinary course like I want to do

I really just want to fuck him off and do the veterinary course like I want to do

That's our girl! Now take that anger and keep hold of it whilst it grows!

I’m so sorry to hear everything you’re going through OP (and others who have too)
I read this on my work break and I’m rooting for you to break free and have a new start with DD
I hope you didn’t take the new property? If not make excuses to visit your gran at Easter like others have said, and don’t come back.
I’m glad you got most of your money back, don’t part with it again. You can do this, you sound like a lovely brave strong woman.
I was the child in this situation and I never forgave my mum for staying and making me witness and suffer things throughout my childhood, I’m still struggling now at 35. Do it for your DD and to pursue your dreams of being a vet, she will thank you.