He ate the soup ...

[Tdcp]

I'm really ill, I've had an annoying cough for a few days which today has turned in to a snot fest. I'm tired. I've had a smear test this morning which they've found a few issues with my cervix, I've dragged my arse to Asda, where I bought myself a tin of tomato soup. I drove him 15 minutes away for a walk and picked him and DD up after they were done, had a bath and thought.. I've not eaten yet, I'll go and have that soup.

He doesn't really like tomato soup, in fact I can't recall him ever eating any, that's why I bought one tin. He likes chicken soup which there's 3 tins of as well as other random flavours in the cupboard.

He ate my tomato soup. Ffs. I don't know if this is light hearted or not but after a string of bullshit I'm just a bit fed up right now.

Oh, op, this is so tough to read, so it must be a million times worse living this way.

I'm glad he has at least transferred you the money.

I'd make a list of all the awful things here doors and says to you:

The sexual abuse
The financial abuse
Every mean or unkind thing he does or says
Every birthday or special day he has ruined
Every Mother's Day gift you have had to buy yourself

That should focus your mind into leaving him.

Then I suggest you do the Freedom Programme to help you spot abusers - and avoid them.

You deserve SO much more.

So he's been spending your money (that he was so adamant had to be kept for the house deposit). I'm just glad you've got £2k of it back - well done.

Well let's face it, he's sent me the money because I hardly said a word yesterday and avoided him as much as I could. He thinks the money is the only issue here.

He said during the argument that it's all me, it has to be because I always end up apologising for the things I say. That parts true at least, I do always apologise.

I hugged him this morning. I feel awful for how I've acted and that he probably does care for me, all he tries to do is to move us all out of here.. but the other side is that I don't believe any of how I'm feeling. I hate this.

Is there any chance that he has read your posts here ? Can he access your emails?
I am suspicious that he is trying to make himself look better all of a sudden.

OP Please go back and read your earlier posts. Does this really sound like a man who cares for you? Or does it sound like sone scared that they will be outed for what they are?

Don't feel awful! He's gaslighting you! He's buttering you up because he KNOWS he's pushed you too far. This will soon stop, and he'll be back yo his normal nasty self.
You are worth more than this. You don't have a life of your own, you have the life he ALLOWS you to have. If you love someone, you don't steal from them, you don't tell them 'it's always you that's wrong - it must be because YOU always apologise'. Would YOU do that sort of thing to HIM? No, you wouldn't.
Things won't get any better, and you only get one life OP. Is this what you want your child to see, to model their own life on?
I can tell you have the strength to get away from all this from your comments. Come back to this thread when you feel yourself faltering. The Nest Of Vipers will always be here for you

*someone not sone

@Tdcp

He said he'll try get the rest to me this week after he's finished a job.

So he has spent some of it. Though the banked it to stop it being spent. Though he has plenty in his own account? It was your money. He had no right to spend any of it

Thank you for not judging me. I've just done the school run in my usual leggings and black hoody, I need to get changed now into a dress tights and boots to see this house because he's anxious about how I look. I feel like crap still

Is there any chance that he has read your posts here ? Can he access your emails?

He could have done. I found photos on his phone once of all my saved passwords. I did pull him up on it eventually and he deleted them but he has form for that sort of thing. I've changed my phone passwords and got fingerprint I'd on and that now. As for accessing websites or reading this thread, he doesn't seem angry which I would expect him to be if there was a thread online about us.

@Tdcp i think you'll get the chance to speak to Women's Aid today and hopefully that will help you.
He has been playing this game for years. He has got inside your head and is making you doubt the truth.
Just remembered the blindfold incident whenever you start to waiver. Someone who loves you would not have done that.

OP I really think he's got access to your Mumsnet details and is reading your posts.

Please speak to womens aid about digital safety as well.

Thinking of you, it's really not ok and you deserve so much better.

I don't want to get changed today. I'm wondering what would happen if I don't.

@Tdcp

Thank you for not judging me. I've just done the school run in my usual leggings and black hoody, I need to get changed now into a dress tights and boots to see this house because he's anxious about how I look. I feel like crap still

You've got to dress up for a house viewing on his say so?

Everything you say makes him sound like more and more of an arsehole.

He's tried to force me to dress a certain way for years, for ages I even went along with it or just had some bad self esteem that no matter what I wore I felt horrendous. I'm tall, hourglass but a size 16, I find it really hard to find clothes that look nice on me, I like my dinosaur leggings and a hoody. He hates them. To be fair the leggings were a turning point, I loved them that much that I actually bought them even though he told me not to and I wear them constantly even though he despises them.

But yes he's generally embarrassed by me. My go to is black, I wear black all the time, I don't like to stand out generally.

Op clothes this is shocking this definitely control, your leggings and hoodie sound great. You get out and stay out. Will he start controlling what you child wears as well. 😮🤦‍♀️🤗🤗🤗🌻

No judgement from me either. This is part of your conditioning - taking the blame for everything, apologising even though you did nothing wrong, because he gaslights you into believing it's your fault, even though it isn't.

Also he's in the "conciliatory phase" - he knows he's pushed too hard, and he's losing his control over you - so he lovebombs you for a while until you fall back under the spell (and in line) and then he'll be back to his old ways again.

Wear what you want to. It's YOUR body, not his - if he doesn't like it then he can do one, can't he. You're still not well - you need to be comfortable.

I'm not getting changed today. I need to do something with my hair and put on some eyeliner but that's all I'll be doing. My sinuses are baaaad today. I'm wondering what his reaction will be considering the last 2 days.

He hates that I don't wear make up either. I might wear eyeliner, maybe but years he bullied me into wearing makeup. I hate having stuff on my face. (I'm most likely autistic, which he scoffs at as well)

I've had recurrent alopecia since I was 4, I've never been totally bald but I get really big bald patches sometimes, it's never really bothered me as I know it doesn't last long usually. Episodes can be years apart. However this last time I had a bald spot the size of my palm almost, it was hidden in the middle of my hair, I have a lot of hair thankfully. I showed him after 3 weeks or so (it started small and got bigger over 3 months) and he actually accused me of shaving my head for attention . I laughed at it because it was ridiculous but it did make me feel weird. When the hair loss didn't stop for ages I told him I might end up bald and he said that basically I won't be going out without a wig and there's no way he'll be seen outside with me. I felt so embarrassed.

Sorry for keep doing this but everytime I remember something I want to write it down so I don't forget again, I have a very short memory when people do wrong to me

Keep writing on here.
When you speak to WA you will have a reference point.
And if he keeps love bombing you will have a reminder that he is normally vile to you.

Dinosaur leggings sound ace

@Tdcp

I really don't want to be here. I'm trying so hard to get a new job as mine is 0 hours and they're mucking me about but he makes it so hard for me. My nan gave me 2.5k last year to do whatever with (I don't have much) and it was in cash in the house because I wanted to know it wouldn't go on household bills. I found out that he put it in his bank account and he won't give it me back because we need to use it for moving house. I asked for it in my account because it doesn't make a difference where the money is as long as we have access to it but he won't give it to me. I wanted to train as a veterinary assistant and use the money for that, I really just want to do something with my life and I'm walking around with holes in my trainers whilst he buys whatever he wants. I got told off because I bought some chocolate bars for 65p. Sorry I'm just so done in right now.

I'm so sorry OP. He sounds awful. Financially abusive. Have you any family? Could you leave and stay with them while you get sorted?

Sorry, I hadn't read through the whole thread when I posted. That post made me so angry and sad for you though. Women's aid all the way xxx

This just gets worse. It's not you! Please read back over the thread, don't waver about this. Think of a new safe and happy life for you and your child. Do not hand over your money for a deposit

You can do no to moving/procrastinate. Say you want to keep it for moving and furnishing costs and he needs to provide the deposit and if he doesn't have it then you can't afford to move.

Do not hand it back!

I would suggest setting up a new bank account with an online provider like starling or monzo, very easy to open one and everything is online so you should be able to keep the details of the account safe from him. Maybe a new email address too?