To throw away pink things?

[JustAnotherBadMother]

I have DDs aged 15 mo and 1 mo. I hate pink. I hate the way so much girls stuff is pink. I mostly buy them boys things, although I've no problem with dresses and dolls (which I do buy), providing they are not pink. My SIL is the opposite of me in just about everything. She is very OTT in quantity of presents which I find overbearing, and makes me feel bad, and her tastes are the opposite of mine. She buys masses of stuff for my daughters (which I do not need or want), and the vast majority of it makes me want to vomit. It's almost all really expensive (JoJo, Boden, etc), whereas my stuff is almost all a mixture of freecycle and Primark, partly because of money, but tbh personal taste probably plays a bigger role. My mother recently bought some things for my DDs and they were really heavily biased towards pink. She noted herself regretfully that they were overall a bit pink, and commented on how one dress was largely pink but had other colours, when it was 90% pink. My SIL bought an expensive jacket for DD1 a few weeks ago (JoJo, obvs), and said although it was pink she thought I'd still like it.
I don't know why they do it, because they know I absolutely hate pink stuff and it won't be worn. For more than a year all this pink crap has simply been in the cupboard and literally not worn at all.
Today I was just feeling miserable and put a lot of the pink stuff in a bag (inc the new dress my DM bought a couple of weeks ago) and put it all in a public bin. I felt guilty for a few hours and went out to try and find the bag (just to put in the attic, not use), but the bins had been emptied. I think I'm glad about this, but just can't stop thinking about it and feeling miserable about the whole situation.
Why do my DM and SIL do this? If it really was very very occasional and pink was just one of 100 colours I wouldn't care. But it's not. Almost everything my SIL buys is pink pink pink, and a fair chunk of what my DM buys is pink too. I'm fine with pretty dresses which they like buying, but just draw the line at pink.
(NB I would normally give it to charity - I've got masses off freecycle myself - but I have issues with pink and poorer girls been limited by it. That's why not. Plus I'm cross with my SIL and DM for buying all this pink shit when they knew I hate it and it won't be used, and somehow this seemed more appropriate. If they ever find out there'll be more pissed off, which is what I want bc I'm getting upset about all of this. It feels like they are criticising my values and my abilities as a mother.)

Pink is just a colour. By banning a colour in such a petty, uneducated way, you will make it more attractive to your daughters. Be prepared for a pink explosion at an age when most other girls are growing out of it - you have nobody to blame but yourself for that.

YANU to throw away perfectly good clothing. Someone in need could have benefited from that.

YANBU to object to the ubiquity of pink clothes for girls. But how are these things getting into the house anyway? Just refuse the gifts! That’s the only way they will stop. If SIL kicks off, so be it. You don’t have to be steamrollered by her.

Do be wary though, if you say NO PINK EVER to girls, you run the risk of getting an opposite reaction.

Yanbu btw, to not want or use the pink things.
You threw them out in frustration, one time, then you had remorse and tried to undo it. You didn't make a habit of it.

If they know you hate it but still buy then get rid of it but don't feel guilty about it.

I can't get beyond how ridiculous your stance is that you loathe pink, but happily put your girls in a dress. You also said you put your dd in things you 'wouldn't put a boy in' whilst bemoaning the gender stereotypes of pink.

It's like you've found an stance that you're not quite fully sure of but by God, you'll argue it 'til you're blue in the face!

Pick a lane.

I'll warn you here and now, unless you homeschool and restrict all TV, before they're out of primary school they WILL go through a "pink and girly" phase. Which sort of proves your point about the pervasiveness of the feminising culture, but pragmatically you are going to have to come to terms with your strong feelings on this so as to avoid pissing all over your daughters' preferences and making them feel disappointing/inadequate.

Whilst I share your feelings about "pretty pretty" pinky stuff dominating for girls, the only way to counter it I suppose is to be utterly indifferent - and let them choose! Even at 15 months. Put a few things out, or have their clothes where they can reach them, and let their own preferences come out. Treat all the choices as equal and, fundamentally, unimportant. The line I'll draw is practicality - no skirts that are long enough to stop them being able to crawl/run, no fabrics that are too flimsy to stand up to energetic play, no shoes that don't protect their feet properly (fucking t bars and Mary Janes can do one).

And there will be a socially influenced phase where they'll go full cupcake just because they're little girls, no matter how they're parented they're not going to be able to ignore all that cultural pressure, it will assimilate into them in some way. So be indifferent to it. It's a phase and a costume. One choice of many, no more or less valid than any other.

As for the excessive buying, if I were you I'd accept the gifts, put them away with the labels on, and when they've grown out of them give them all back with a tinkly laugh and say they never got used so to pass them on to some other lucky soul

Your female relatives sound ridiculous. Take things to the charity shops not put them in the bin but I would be frustrated too.

They are doing it to piss you off based on your later updates.

Just refuse it ....don't allow it in the house so what if SIL is forceful..role model standing up for yourself for your daughters
That will be a better inheritance than any colour frock

Maybe give DM and SIL one very clear explicit message that you won't have it ....and will refuse...
Then make sure you do...

Wtf are they buying all this stuff anyway ??? Unless you are explicitly asking them to just say No..
Complete waste..

YABU. Are your DDs not going to be allowed to like or wear pink just because you don't like it?

I preferred primary colours on my daughter but as she was able to choose it was pink all the way. I didn't hate pink though

But what I did hate was the Playboy crap that was about when my daughter was about 9/10 ... I put my foot down on that, but I was the only mum that did. I felt awful and guilty, and eventually relented a tiny bit

@EmeraldShamrock1

The gender divide is natural I believe so.

Is it? Or is it because the sexes are conditioned to play differently from birth so naturally gravitate to other children who play the same way. That and if the children are colour coded again it makes it easier for them to identify their peer group.
The gender divide is obvious throughout the animal kingdom, I don't see how it wouldn't be with humans.
Men and women are definitely different I don't think it is learnt behaviour or nurturing I believe it is nature.

Lots of what they previously thought was correct about how different sexes in the animal kingdom behaviour in the 19th and 20th century has been found to be wrong.

As a PP said stereotypical condition of children by gender starts when they are babies. There has been lots of research to show that if you dress the same baby up in blue and then pink people treat the baby differently if they think the baby is a boy or a girl.

Yes I saw an expt about how dressing the same baby in pink
Or blue resulted in different treatment. It was v interesting!

So you sometimes dress your daughters in dresses? Surely pink joggers and pink t-shirts are better for climbing trees than a dress?

And what are these patterns that you "wouldn't put a boy in"?

@thatsgotit

YABU. Are your DDs not going to be allowed to like or wear pink just because you don't like it?

This is an important question for me too, @thatsgotit.

As I said in my first post, my mum, like @JustAnotherBadMother, hated pink and my sister and I never had anything pink at all - it's like we were extensions of her, and weren't allowed to have our own likes and dislikes.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius the one month old doesn't get a say as she won't give a shit.

Once the 15 month can say what colours are - and this can be as early as 2 - then she should have some choice.

Hence I have lots of red clothes and other items....

You're massively overthinking the pink thing OP.
If you don't want the clothes then do not accept them, send them back to them or don't allow them in your home.
Throwing the clothes away is pretty disgusting IMO.

When my daughter was born, I started out objecting to pink because it's such a stereotype. Over time I allowed pink on the basis that it's just one colour. What I really objected to was the limitation of "only pink" as discussed above with teething rings, walkers and so on.

I think you need to be stronger about refusing items completely, even if they sulk or rant. Your child, your choice. If you're at their house, just don't accept it, say no thank you and hand it back to them or put it down on the side. If you're at their house, pop it by the door ready to give back to them when they leave.

Say it's a kind thought but you know I feel strongly about pink - and don't waver. If they sulk, you won't see them as often, but at least that's fewer pink presents.

Of course, all of this will only last until your daughter starts expressing her preferences, and she'll likely go through a phase of loving pink. Many children do.

Oh how wonderful to have the privilege to throw brand new clothes away, because you support not dressing your daughters in pink, but yet you are happy to pay for cheaply made, mass produced clothing, probably made by some poor kid in a factory somewhere. Sold in this country by staff on minimum wage. All I can think is how tediously hypocritical.

It's foisting your own personal preferences on another mother though. It's on the minor side of disregarding the parents. And you'd wonder if you asked that person to look after your baby, would they follow your routine or ignore it in favour of what they think is best.

I had been thinking that because I had DS I'd escaped all the pink-buying that my DM would have done, but to be honest, she was almost as bad with the style of clothes she did buy for DS.

DM loves proper hard collar shirts and dickie bows, little cardigans and pullovers, shorts or pressed trousers on infant boys. She loathed the heavy metal t-shirts we put on DS and would always arrive with something that was to her taste and knowing it was distinctly not our personal taste.

I found it kind of ignorant really. She knew that we would put it straight in the charity bag as she often commented disparagingly on our choice of t-shirt so why waste the money on it??

I mean, some of the things my cousin puts on her baby I'd cringe at, but if I was buying her baby a gift, a good starting point would be to look at what she puts on her baby and pick out something similar!

You put it in a bin? You put the expensive gifts in a bin!

That's weird. It's just weird. Why not give them back to your mother and SIL and ask them to change them for something else it get their money back or give them to a friend with a baby or sell them or give them to a charity shop? I really don't like that you put them in a bin.

BTW, could you not ask your children's dad to have a word with his family. Surely he couldn't have been OK with you just throwing their gifts away?

You threw brand new, perfectly good clothes in the bin? you should be ashamed! If you didn't want them you should have donated them

My point was that if I gave it to charity then it would almost certainly end up (quite rightly) with a girl from a poor family, and I didn't like them having to wear something which has such sexist connotations.

Well fuck me if this doesn’t just scream luxury beliefs and middle class privilege.

Has it occurred to you that there might be girls from poorer families who walk past Jojo and long for one of the pretty dresses in the window, but their parents can’t afford them? Or that their parents might want to get their daughters a special dress for their birthday but just don’t have the money for it? So they get the child labour produced crap from primark that you seem to think morally superior whilst you recieve brand new, good quality clothes and throw them in the fucking bin, and pat yourself on the back for saving a poor girl from the burden of sexist oppression from a colour.

I agree about pink/blue having sexist connotations.
I remember being shocked at the toys r us aisles and how pink and blue the boy/ girl aisles were.
Trying to get your dd to look at the toys in the blue section was difficult. So I do agree that awareness of this is important and to temper that.

Ive posted this before on another thread - remembering when I saw that the doctors dress up outfit was labelled boys and nurse labelled girls. And the impact of that.
I also agree that you have choices. Choices to discard those clothes but others may not do donation is the way forward.

As your children become older you’ll have further issues to contend with. I wouldn’t ban pink but balance it out instead.

My point was that if I gave it to charity then it would almost certainly end up (quite rightly) with a girl from a poor family, and I didn't like them having to wear something which has such sexist connotations. this is pretty insulting. So instead of having a pink coat they should have no coat? Do you not think their own parents should be the one to decide what their child wears?