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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher comments inappropriate

116 replies

venusmay · 24/03/2022 00:31

My ds is 9 and a quiet boy, he lacks confidence in Maths and has struggled with it. He's never been in trouble and school have always said his behaviour is good.

For a long time ds has been saying his class teacher doesn't like him and ds doesn't know why. He asks for help but she will help others not him and he feels like she's always shouting at him. I've not taken this very seriously as I thought it might be how he's interpreting the situation.

Over the past few weeks he's been having nightmares, stressed with school work about getting it right.I had parents evening last week and explained how he was feeling so anxious and she said they'd try to build his confidence.

Today he's come home very upset as the teacher had shouted at him again.He didn't understand and put his hand up, she came over and told him that he 'should' understand and turned away from him. She helped some of the other children. Ds needed to go to the toilet and the teacher wouldn't let him go, she told him 'it's not like you've done any work for the past two hours'.

I know my ds wouldn't make something like this up, the phrasing stone is completely unlike him. AIBU to complain to the headteacher?

OP posts:
Original poster
venusmay · 24/03/2022 00:34

*sorry the 'stone' is a typo

OP posts:
fourandnomore · 24/03/2022 00:41

Personally I would ask to speak to her and the head together, to give her a chance to give her side of the story but also so your son’s anxiety is taken seriously. I hope things settle down for him.

icklekid · 24/03/2022 00:42

As a headteacher please speak to the teacher and find out what she says first. There may be something he isn’t saying that is relevant. I know you’ll feel you’ve already tried to speak to them but it is the first thing the head will do is find the context.
It sounds like your ds and the teachers personalities clash for whatever reason but If he really didn’t even attempt to try for 2h then maybe they were right to be frustrated for example? They might have asked ds to try one question and then they will help them. It might be that your still unhappy with what teacher says/continues to do but you can go to the head and explain what has happened and what the teacher has said but that your still unhappy about it rather than not giving them a chance to explain.

Original poster
venusmay · 24/03/2022 00:47

I from what ds said it sounds like he did try, I'm concerned really that she felt it was okay to speak to him like this. It doesn't seem very professional to me.

OP posts:
echt · 24/03/2022 00:49

Please don't go down the personality clash path; it's the big sidetrack to actually getting anything done. Also be wary of "the teacher doesn't like me". They might not, but it's what the teacher does that matters.

Speak with the teacher first, in person. Don't bring the head in. It's one-sided now, and a colossal waste of HT's time to be brought in on something where preliminary actions haven't been taken.

echt · 24/03/2022 00:52

Sorry, that sounded harsh, but have been there and done that as teacher and parent.

All the best, OP.

xxlostxx · 24/03/2022 00:56

icklekid are you really a headteacher? With a cringe user name as so?

Original poster
venusmay · 24/03/2022 00:56

The teacher is surely going to deny saying these things though? It's a child's word against a teacher.

OP posts:
5zeds · 24/03/2022 00:57

Personality clash is always a bit of a red lag for me. What does it even mean in the context of teacher and pupil?

Why are you referring to the female teacher as “they” when op uses she @icklekid ?

OP I’d talk to the teacher again but start with an email explaining so she has an idea of where you are going. That gives her maximum chance of fixing it and a visible paper trail.

Original poster
venusmay · 24/03/2022 00:58

I think ds has noticed the other children are confused by the way he's treated, it's not a good feeling for him.

OP posts:
Alopeciabop · 24/03/2022 01:58

If he’s struggling with maths it might be worth getting him tested for dyscalculia.

MarianosOnHisWay · 24/03/2022 02:37

@xxlostxx

icklekid are you really a headteacher? With a cringe user name as so?
A headteacher who doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re… Hmm
alexdgr8 · 24/03/2022 02:44

sometimes teachers do not like particular pupils.
and sometimes they do not work hard enough to not let that affect how they teach.

UserError012345 · 24/03/2022 02:45

@icklekid

As a headteacher please speak to the teacher and find out what she says first. There may be something he isn’t saying that is relevant. I know you’ll feel you’ve already tried to speak to them but it is the first thing the head will do is find the context. It sounds like your ds and the teachers personalities clash for whatever reason but If he really didn’t even attempt to try for 2h then maybe they were right to be frustrated for example? They might have asked ds to try one question and then they will help them. It might be that your still unhappy with what teacher says/continues to do but you can go to the head and explain what has happened and what the teacher has said but that your still unhappy about it rather than not giving them a chance to explain.
Surely teachers don't have 'personality clashes' ? Isn't that against teacher code ? It sounds like you're saying that it's ok for teachers to treat children in their class on a case by case basis.
Cottonfrenzie · 24/03/2022 06:23

I'm a teacher. I don't think 'a personality clash' is acceptable. We are the adults in the situation. OP do whatever you feel most comfortable with - be that talking to the teacher first or going direct to the head. Be 100 percent raise it.

Cottonfrenzie · 24/03/2022 06:26

It sounds like she's mistaken the lack of work for lack of effort - but he can't do the work as he doesn't understand?

PAFMO · 24/03/2022 06:31

Speak to the teacher and find out what's happening.

PAFMO · 24/03/2022 06:34

@xxlostxx

icklekid are you really a headteacher? With a cringe user name as so?
You perhaps haven't been on MN long. One of our most celebrated (and well-known outside of MN) feminists uses the name FredBloggsMummy (sic) People don't tend to use MrsBloggsHT as their username.
Frostylaudanum · 24/03/2022 06:37

Speak to the headteacher.

seashellsontheshore · 24/03/2022 06:37

This has nothing to do with the Headteacher. Book an appointment with the Teacher and speak to the Teacher with your child present. Get the Teacher to show you examples of where things are going right and wrong in their books then go from there.

Schools are incredibly stressful places to work please take a step back and approach with an open mind. The important thing is getting to the root of the problem and if your child is making no effort then the onus is on them to buck their ideas up. Could he be placed with a 'higher' buddy? Is there a feedback chart in his books for when he takes them home?

Thebig3 · 24/03/2022 06:44

I'd go straight to the headteacher. You raised it with the teacher at parents evening and then this has happened.

girlmom21 · 24/03/2022 06:48

I'd talk to the teacher.

I'd also make it very clear that if your child asks to go to the toilet they need to be allowed to go to the toilet. That's the worst school rule.

Booboo24 · 24/03/2022 07:02

I have been there, I would speak to rhe teacher once, be firm but polite, but from experience, don't let things carry on, take it to the head quickly if there isn't an immediate improvement and go further if you still don't get anywhere. I've just been through this with my daughter's English teacher, my dd struggled with English, particularly reading comprehension, but she was being sent out of most English classes in year 7. I was told she was disruptive, my dd was saying I put my hand up to ask for help, the teacher ignores it so I ask the person next to me, then get told off for talking and get sent out. This went on for an entire year, I went to the teacher, then the head of year so many times, who said she can't help her until my dd manages her behaviour! I asked for clarification on 'disruptive behaviour' and it involved talking only (no rudeness, cheek, throwing things etc) I asked if her behaviour was a problem anywhere else in any other lessons and she had to concede on that point, that no only English, so I pointed out in desperation by then that possibly the teacher was part of the problem if she couldn't control a 12 year old talking without having to send her out, i said I'd back them in the detentions if she's naughty but please could they keep her in class, she couldn't afford to keep missing lessons. I'd started paying for private tuition by then for english. Lockdown hit, she went back in year 8, and again detention after detention and exclusion from English most days, to be told by the head of year 'well there's obviously a clash of personality'! I was, and still am livid! The teacher is supposed to be the grown up and the professional, if they can't hide the fact that for whatever reason they dislike a child then they shouldn't be in the profession. My dd was diagnosed with autism last week.

I know I've droned on there, but the reason being I wanted to explain why, given my time again, I'd not have let them make excuses and all the while bash her confidence, so much so that she used to say oh I have English today so that's another detention, she hates me mum, I only have to walk through the door and I'm in trouble. You can't get that time back and the children on the other side of the personality clash as seriously disadvantaged in their education. She has a different English teacher now in year 9, who even before the diagnosis helps her when she puts her hand up and gives her time and attention to her when needed, and the difference is remarkable, but she's 2 years behind where she should be now. The school told me she's making good progress now.....Great, but we can't get those 2 years she's now behind back.

Personality clash is bandied around as if it can't be helped, it can and should be hidden by the adult so that the child has the level of education the teacher, and school are there to provide.

LetHimHaveIt · 24/03/2022 07:09

'I'd also make it very clear that if your child asks to go to the toilet they need to be allowed to go to the toilet. That's the worst school rule.'

If he's asked and been refused once in two hours (no sessions in primary school last as long as that, actually), then possibly. But you must be aware of the tactics children use to procrastinate: if I let some children who want to go to the loo/change their book do so with the frequency they'd like, they'd never get anything else done.

Also laughing at the idea that a Head would never confuse 'your' and 'you're'. The board outside the office in my school said 'Upcomming Events' for weeks.

girlmom21 · 24/03/2022 07:15

@LetHimHaveIt yeah kids are dicks sometimes but I'm basing this on the fact that she moaned about his effort for the last two hours rather than saying "you went 20 minutes ago"