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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher comments inappropriate

116 replies

venusmay · 24/03/2022 00:31

My ds is 9 and a quiet boy, he lacks confidence in Maths and has struggled with it. He's never been in trouble and school have always said his behaviour is good.

For a long time ds has been saying his class teacher doesn't like him and ds doesn't know why. He asks for help but she will help others not him and he feels like she's always shouting at him. I've not taken this very seriously as I thought it might be how he's interpreting the situation.

Over the past few weeks he's been having nightmares, stressed with school work about getting it right.I had parents evening last week and explained how he was feeling so anxious and she said they'd try to build his confidence.

Today he's come home very upset as the teacher had shouted at him again.He didn't understand and put his hand up, she came over and told him that he 'should' understand and turned away from him. She helped some of the other children. Ds needed to go to the toilet and the teacher wouldn't let him go, she told him 'it's not like you've done any work for the past two hours'.

I know my ds wouldn't make something like this up, the phrasing stone is completely unlike him. AIBU to complain to the headteacher?

OP posts:
Partyatnumber10 · 24/03/2022 07:32

Have you tried doing some maths with him at home to see what he's like during a maths session?
It might give you some useful insight for when you talk to his teacher.
As for the incident, it could be that the teacher has behaved unprofessionally and has taken against your ds.
It could also be several other things:

Every time ds is given maths he makes excuses, fusses, says he doesn't understand and asks to go to the toilet all without trying.

Or

She'd gone over the same exercise with him in detail the day before and this was consolidation work which she knew he could do except that he refused to try.

Or

She'd given him something to try EG add the tens together first. But he refused to try and continued to sit there with his hand up.

The thing is, "building confidence" does not automatically mean just being nice and complimentary to a child (although there should be a healthy dose of this)
Sometimes it means pushing a child beyond their pre-conceived barriers and showing them that they are capable of doing something.

Could it be that your son lacks confidence and refuses to try or doesn't do any work unless an adult is right beside him?

It's just worth exploring what happens when you set him some work then move away from him.

Anyway, as others have said, you need to meet with the teacher. Absolutely advocate for your child's and explain to her how he is feeling (she sounds as if she misinterprets lack of confidence for laziness) but also listen to her with an open mind, there are two sides to every story and if you and the teacher can see both sides then you can work in an effective plan together.
Good luck.

AlisonDonut · 24/03/2022 07:38

She needs to work with him to make sure he does know how to do this maths, surely? Isn't that her job?

Valeriekat · 24/03/2022 07:49

@girlmom21

I'd talk to the teacher.

I'd also make it very clear that if your child asks to go to the toilet they need to be allowed to go to the toilet. That's the worst school rule.

Does it not occur to you that sometimes children deliberately ask to go to the toilet an an inappropriate time eg when then mates are there or work is being explained? Do you not think a teacher can spot that?
FindingMeno · 24/03/2022 07:52

Yes, you definitely need to take this further.
You will, if nothing else, show him you will listen to him and will try to help.

iamjustlurking · 24/03/2022 07:53

I would talk to the teacher again and explain that clearly you are not in the classroom but this is how your child has perceived her tone whether she means to come across like this to him or not.
If she is dismissive I would email my concerns asking for a meeting with head leaving full outline of issue

grapewines · 24/03/2022 07:54

@Thebig3

I'd go straight to the headteacher. You raised it with the teacher at parents evening and then this has happened.
Agree. You've tried with the teacher. Also, not letting him go to the toilet is just not OK. How is that even a thing?
Soul11Soul · 24/03/2022 08:01

Write to the head and the class teacher. In my experience, once issues are written down they tend to be dealt with better. You've already spoken to the teacher and the situation seems to be escalating. Focus on the problems for your son - maths, confidence and anxiety. Give neutral, non-blaming descriptions of what is happening for him. Nightmares, anxiety, inability to understand the level he is supposed to understand at this stage. Then ask the school specifically what they can do to "build confidence" or support him. Using phrases like "build confidence" mean nothing. Ask what that means on a practical level. One to one time with a classroom assistant? A specialised maths programme? A peer group for anxiety or resilience? Also ask what you can do to support him at home? Schools are reluctant to admit to personality clashes or that they have some shit teachers. We all know that schools are stressful places to work and yet like every work place you get some absolute stars who get results whilst being respectful and kind and you some absolute belters who shouldn't be allowed near kids. In my experience if you focus on the actual "problems" and not the "people" there is no room for defensiveness and you have actual goals that everyone is working towards so it becomes clear if that's not happening.

Lou98 · 24/03/2022 08:07

@grapewines obviously doesn't sound like it in this situation from the OP but kids will often ask to go to the toilet to procrastinate, close to start/end of lessons, to pass time etc. It's usually the same ones that always ask to go every lesson as well, they're usually good at spotting who is just time wasting.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 24/03/2022 08:08

‘Personality clash’ in the context of a child and teacher is a euphemism for a power imbalance. A best, it’s a cop out to avoid dealing with a problem. At worst, it’s used to cover up a child actively receiving a worse education than their peers, and being made to feel less than by an adult when they have few - if any - tools in their arsenal to fight back.

The onus shouldn’t be on the child in this situation to resolve a ‘personality clash’, but on the teacher.

It’s their job to find a way to teach every child in their class.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 24/03/2022 08:09

You’ve spoken to the teacher once.

Go to the head.

KatherineJaneway · 24/03/2022 08:13

It's been a long time since I have been in school but teachers not liking certain students certainly was a thing. I had one who didn't like me at all and boy did I know it.

Cocomarine · 24/03/2022 08:16

What have you done to address his attainment and confidence in maths?

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 24/03/2022 08:19

@Cocomarine

What have you done to address his attainment and confidence in maths?
If the problem is being caused by the teacher, what can OP do? Tutor him herself? Privately? Employ a therapist? Why should she?
Booboo24 · 24/03/2022 08:21

Op from my experience I described earlier up thread @HestersSamplerofCarrots has it spot on. Don't be put off.....

Cocomarine · 24/03/2022 08:22

I would talk to the teacher, but I’d leave aside this personality clash stuff.

I’d get some time with them and say, “parents evening I explained he was anxious about maths and you said you’d build his confidence. Last week he wasn’t able to do fractions to decimals and he’s told me that he asked for help, but you said he “should” be able to do it. Can you explain that, and what strategies you’re using for confidence building, and how I can support that at home?”

Perhaps he has a habit of not trying, and she thought the way to build his confidence was to push him to do something without help, to prove to himself that he could.

There’s a big difference between an impatient with between the lines fucksake, “you SHOULD be able” and an encouraging, “OK, looking at this I think you should be left to do this one - have a crack and see how you get on.”

Have you asked him what topic it was?
Whether he can do that topic?
Helped him at home if he can’t?

donquixotedelamancha · 24/03/2022 08:24

I know my ds wouldn't make something like this up

It is ridiculous to think a 9YO always gives an accurate version of events.

Not 'helping' a child is often the correct strategy, e.g. won't attempt work, interrupts others, wants to be told answers or doubts own abilities.

Just speak to the teacher. The people suggesting going to the head, giving the teacher orders or insisting your child is being failed are not helping, either through stupidity or because winding people on MN up is fun.

girlmom21 · 24/03/2022 08:25

@Valeriekat if that was the case she wouldn't complain about what he has or hasn't done for the last 2 hours, would she, she'd call him out on that.

toomuchfruit · 24/03/2022 08:25

Not sure why people are so afraid to admit when a teacher is bullying a child. It's really not that uncommon unfortunately. Pull her up on it. Your son needs protecting from adults like this.

Cocomarine · 24/03/2022 08:26

@HestersSamplerofCarrots why she should is because it’s not good parenting to shrug your shoulders on a core subject that’s damaging your child’s confidence and say, “why should I?”

So yes: work with him at home, get a tutor, etc…

And before you say what if you aren’t numerate, what if you can’t afford a tutor… if you can post on MN, you can get your kid watching YouTube videos for the school year two years below them, for free, and see how they get on.

That’s not to say she shouldn’t also address it with the teacher… but good parents don’t just shrug their shoulders and say, “why should I?”

grapewines · 24/03/2022 08:27

[quote girlmom21]@Valeriekat if that was the case she wouldn't complain about what he has or hasn't done for the last 2 hours, would she, she'd call him out on that. [/quote]
That's what I thought. It just seems like a bit of a power move here.

donquixotedelamancha · 24/03/2022 08:27

Have you asked him what topic it was Whether he can do that topic? Helped him at home if he can’t?

You can't be suggesting stuff like that, you'll get reported for not posting 'in the spirit of the site'.

toomuchfruit · 24/03/2022 08:28

@donquixotedelamancha

I know my ds wouldn't make something like this up

It is ridiculous to think a 9YO always gives an accurate version of events.

Not 'helping' a child is often the correct strategy, e.g. won't attempt work, interrupts others, wants to be told answers or doubts own abilities.

Just speak to the teacher. The people suggesting going to the head, giving the teacher orders or insisting your child is being failed are not helping, either through stupidity or because winding people on MN up is fun.

Not helping a child who is struggling with maths is the correct strategy ? Please God tell me you are not a teacher ?? Although if you are, it would explain a lot about the current state of schools in England.
Booboo24 · 24/03/2022 08:28

@Cocomarine she's being a voice for her son, she is quite rightly expecting the teacher to teach her son during school hours. Why should she have to take on that role too, there's only so much we as parents can do around work, other children... oh yes, and not being a qualified teacher. (I'm an accountant but I doubt I could teach my daughter anything much above the basics these days!) It is the teacher's job to find ways to help each child learn. It is the parent's job to instil respect for our child's learning, and help them have the best building blocks we can.

Booboo24 · 24/03/2022 08:30

@toomuchfruit if you're referring to my post, the school have admitted they failed her the minute they said there was a personality clash! They moved her to a different teacher and have agreed she's making progress. I hope you're not a teacher!

Booboo24 · 24/03/2022 08:33

@Cocomarine I should have added that I have paid for private tuition, and I have helped her as much as possible, but was doing that in place of her English lessons in school, not as well as....the school admitted that she had been let down, their words...