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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher comments inappropriate

116 replies

venusmay · 24/03/2022 00:31

My ds is 9 and a quiet boy, he lacks confidence in Maths and has struggled with it. He's never been in trouble and school have always said his behaviour is good.

For a long time ds has been saying his class teacher doesn't like him and ds doesn't know why. He asks for help but she will help others not him and he feels like she's always shouting at him. I've not taken this very seriously as I thought it might be how he's interpreting the situation.

Over the past few weeks he's been having nightmares, stressed with school work about getting it right.I had parents evening last week and explained how he was feeling so anxious and she said they'd try to build his confidence.

Today he's come home very upset as the teacher had shouted at him again.He didn't understand and put his hand up, she came over and told him that he 'should' understand and turned away from him. She helped some of the other children. Ds needed to go to the toilet and the teacher wouldn't let him go, she told him 'it's not like you've done any work for the past two hours'.

I know my ds wouldn't make something like this up, the phrasing stone is completely unlike him. AIBU to complain to the headteacher?

OP posts:
2bazookas · 24/03/2022 12:58

I have to break some news to you.

Sometimes, children don't tell their parents the real story about what happened at school.

Talk to the teacher.

kazillionaire · 24/03/2022 13:00

Personality clash is alive and well, daily detentions for my son from his maths teacher this went on for months until I asked for a class change and boom! No more detentions

Katya213 · 24/03/2022 13:10

@2bazookas

I have to break some news to you.

Sometimes, children don't tell their parents the real story about what happened at school.

Talk to the teacher.

Hate to break the news to you, sometimes, teachers don’t tell the parents the real story about what happened at school.

Talk to the child.

BambisMum911 · 24/03/2022 13:19

I had a teacher like this, she was horrible to anyone who couldn't do maths. For some odd reason it really bothered her. Years later it was discovered I had a learning disability in maths but it was delayed being discovered as she knocked so much confidence out of me if I ever asked for help or she'd send me out of the room for assuming I wasn't listening. I'm glad your son's told you, please complain as by the time I told my mum the damage was done as she humiliated me so much, my teacher not my mum 😁, teacher was sacked as headteacher was great about mums complaint and other parents, now of course this was years ago, I'm in my 30s now but this has reminded me of an unhappy time and you sound like a great mum, please complain, she needs to go away, poor boy

fruitbrewhaha · 24/03/2022 13:55

@icklekid

As a headteacher please speak to the teacher and find out what she says first. There may be something he isn’t saying that is relevant. I know you’ll feel you’ve already tried to speak to them but it is the first thing the head will do is find the context. It sounds like your ds and the teachers personalities clash for whatever reason but If he really didn’t even attempt to try for 2h then maybe they were right to be frustrated for example? They might have asked ds to try one question and then they will help them. It might be that your still unhappy with what teacher says/continues to do but you can go to the head and explain what has happened and what the teacher has said but that your still unhappy about it rather than not giving them a chance to explain.
Are you really a head?

It's such a badly written post.

And I find it hard to accept anyone in teaching would blame this on a "personality clash". It's totally irrelevant whether a teacher likes the children they are teaching. It's perfectly normal not to.

LuaDipa · 24/03/2022 14:29

@2bazookas

I have to break some news to you.

Sometimes, children don't tell their parents the real story about what happened at school.

Talk to the teacher.

And sometimes teachers aren’t fit to be in the role.

I prefer to listen to my child.

Original poster
venusmay · 24/03/2022 15:34

I spoke to the Head after school today.She doesn't think that the school can do more and they believe the teacher. They think its ds's 'interpretation' of things that is different. I can make an official complaint but not sure if this will help ds. The school is v cliquey and I just think they will close ranks.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 24/03/2022 15:45

That is not good. In what way can't they do anymore. If your child is feeling anxious they should be doing something to help. Many children are struggling with anxiety at the moment and schools are doing as much as they can to help (with limited staff and resources)

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 24/03/2022 16:06

Your son is giving a different version of events than the teacher or the school. you need to work on his maths at home. From what you’ve said he doesn’t have a problem with this teacher in the other subjects. If that’s so all this talk of personality clash is meaningless I was a teacher for years I never had a personality clash with a child, didn’t have the time or energy.

girlmom21 · 24/03/2022 16:17

@venusmay

I spoke to the Head after school today.She doesn't think that the school can do more and they believe the teacher. They think its ds's 'interpretation' of things that is different. I can make an official complaint but not sure if this will help ds. The school is v cliquey and I just think they will close ranks.
He asked for help and she refused to help. He needed a wee and she wouldn't let him go.

She's picking on him. The school can put a stop to it. He's a child.

Even if it's his interpretation, if a child feels like he's being singled out it's the teachers responsibility to rectify that.

Original poster
venusmay · 24/03/2022 16:54

I am really upset that the school have so little interest in a child's wellbeing.

He's been saying things like 'you wouldn't hate me would you mummy?' At home which has been out of character. He asks this a lot, he's also asked some other questions which sound like he's scared of something and I think it all might be related.

OP posts:
Knittingchamp · 24/03/2022 17:29

I agree with this, there is no personality clash' in this scenario. He's a little boy having nightmares and anxiety, clearly upset, she's in a position of power and for whatever reason is scaring him. I think you should go to the head teacher immediately. Poor little lad.

Knittingchamp · 24/03/2022 17:30

Sorry OP I just saw you did speak to the teacher. They should be doing more.

bluecitygirl · 24/03/2022 17:40

I would send an email to the teacher explaining how your child feels and requesting a meeting after school. Always have things in writing a paper trail is very important. Once you have the teachers side then if not satisfied I would then speak to the head teacher.

girlmom21 · 24/03/2022 17:43

I'd go higher. Your son is clearly not happy and the school are dismissing his feelings with no consideration for his wellbeing at all.

RockinHorseShit · 24/03/2022 17:55

Book an appointment to see the actual teacher first. You'll soon see where the fault lies as 1-1 with you you will see her true attitude. I'd suggest recording the conversation surreptitiously too.

We had this situation with DD, coming from teacher stock, I really didn't think it was the teacher... it absolutely was the teacher. She didn't like DD that was clear, probably because DD corrected American spellings that she was teaching the class. Without witnesses, she was very happy to own up to it too as "I'm not interested in your little poppet when I have a class to get through SATs Hmm

RockinHorseShit · 24/03/2022 18:01

I've just seen your update. Time to go all tiger mum. Contact the educational welfare officer attached to the school. Your boys welfare is being affected, teacher & HT refusing to help. Good luck

This will also help if you need to change schools

52andblue · 24/03/2022 19:02

IF an adult teacher blames 'personality clash' re a 9/10 year old then something's wrong.
I'd speak to the teacher. Once. If there is no improvement speak to the Head.
Your Ds should be allowed access to a toilet (unless he's messing around). Anxiety can cause more frequent loo trips to be necessary.

Original poster
venusmay · 24/03/2022 20:21

I'm seriously concerned about sending ds back in to school tomorrow. I feel awful about sending him somewhere when the teacher will probably continue to single him out.

OP posts:
SkyeT · 24/03/2022 20:34

Seriously concerning the comments from a headteacher on here. There is never an excuse to treat a child poorly, especially by those in positions of power. Please consider some learning around trauma informed teaching.

Stephthegreat · 24/03/2022 20:49

I wouldn’t send your ds back to the school,can you arrange a meeting with the head with a view to a plan to monitor this situation? If the head isn’t willing to do this I’d pull my child out of school because they clearly couldn’t care less.

girlmom21 · 24/03/2022 20:51

Is the TA with the class permanently? Send him and ask him to lean on her for support.

In the meantime, speak to the head again. Tell her what your expectations are of the school.
Is there more than one class per year group? Can he move classes?

Original poster
venusmay · 24/03/2022 21:05

The TA doesn't spend any time with ds, she supports a SEN child in the class.

It's a small class and there's no way of moving ds to another class unfortunately.

If the head won't do something to monitor the situation I don't think anything will get better. The head has v little involvement in the school these days and is often just present for assemblies. The teachers are not observed.

OP posts:
RockinHorseShit · 24/03/2022 23:13

Can you take him to your GP & tell them how stressed he is & what's going on at school. He's effectively being bullied by a teacher. They might sign him off school for a few days if you can get across how badly it is affecting his mental & physical health. This should give you a bit of breathing space to decide what to do. It also gets it on record outside of the school. Our own GP was very helpful when we went through this with DD

Saskatcha · 24/03/2022 23:15

Your poor son. Primary schools can be very hard places to navigate for children and parents. You were right to raise it. They were wrong not to listen and put processes in place to try and support you son regardless of what is causing him to be distressed.

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