Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher comments inappropriate

116 replies

venusmay · 24/03/2022 00:31

My ds is 9 and a quiet boy, he lacks confidence in Maths and has struggled with it. He's never been in trouble and school have always said his behaviour is good.

For a long time ds has been saying his class teacher doesn't like him and ds doesn't know why. He asks for help but she will help others not him and he feels like she's always shouting at him. I've not taken this very seriously as I thought it might be how he's interpreting the situation.

Over the past few weeks he's been having nightmares, stressed with school work about getting it right.I had parents evening last week and explained how he was feeling so anxious and she said they'd try to build his confidence.

Today he's come home very upset as the teacher had shouted at him again.He didn't understand and put his hand up, she came over and told him that he 'should' understand and turned away from him. She helped some of the other children. Ds needed to go to the toilet and the teacher wouldn't let him go, she told him 'it's not like you've done any work for the past two hours'.

I know my ds wouldn't make something like this up, the phrasing stone is completely unlike him. AIBU to complain to the headteacher?

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 24/03/2022 08:33

@Booboo24 if he’s 9 (Y4 or Y5) and struggling now, then some of this will be the basics. Times tables for example still underpin a lot of Y4 work, so rote learning practise at home can help. (that’s just one suggestion as an example before people throw in why there wouldn’t work for them)

You say, “It is the parent's job to instil respect for our child's learning, and help them have the best building blocks we can”

That exactly what I’m saying! Watching child focused YouTube basics does instil respect for learning, and it is a building block.

Talk to the teacher, expect the best from them - but don’t just shrug your shoulders and not support your child at home too.

donquixotedelamancha · 24/03/2022 08:35

Not helping a child who is struggling with maths is the correct strategy ? Please God tell me you are not a teacher

Did you miss the fact that helping was in inverted commas and the explanation of why?

It doesn't really help children to just give them answers. It doesn't help them to check work they can do all the time rather than teaching them to wait. It doesn't help them to give more input before they attempt and fail. It doesn't help them to reward rudeness with attention.

Genuine resilience and confidence come from learning to fail and carry on and from earned success. It's a difficult balance to put the rungs of that mental ladder the right distance apart but too much 'help' can be as bad as not enough.

Since you are such an expert on teaching, I thought you'd know that.

toomuchfruit · 24/03/2022 08:36

[quote Booboo24]@toomuchfruit if you're referring to my post, the school have admitted they failed her the minute they said there was a personality clash! They moved her to a different teacher and have agreed she's making progress. I hope you're not a teacher![/quote]
No I was responding to the comment about how not helping a child is is often the correct strategy. Apologies if i quoted to wrong post, I'm still new at this MN thing.

Thewindwhispers · 24/03/2022 08:38

I’m so shocked that people are using “personality clash” to excuse the teacher’s behaviour! She’s the adult. She’s there for the sole purpose of teaching. If she’s refusing to teach one child because she doesn’t like him, then she needs a serious talking to. Not letting a 9 year old go to the toilet is unacceptable, as is telling him that it’s because his work wasn’t good enough. Urinating is not a privilege earned by good maths 🧐

I’ve had plenty of personalities clashes in my time at work, know what I did? My frickin job.

You could request a meeting with the teacher, tell her what you have said here, say that your strong impression is that she has taken a dislike to your son and isn’t behaving professionally, isn’t treating him fairly or helping him learn, and say that this is her chance to fix it. Warn her that you’re keeping a close eye on the situation and if she doesn’t improve then you’ll put in a formal complaint to the school about her bullying and refusing to teach your child.

Me? I wouldn’t see the teacher again, no. She’s a bully and bullies only respond to strength, not requests. I would go straight to the head. Because the teacher has already had one chance to fix this, and the priority here is not the teacher’s feelings, or the head’s time, it’s the child’s welfare. The child has already got anxiety, quite possibly caused by this teacher, and is falling behind because his teacher won’t answer his questions. This is one for the head.

Booboo24 · 24/03/2022 08:38

@Cocomarine where is anyone shrugging their shoulders! I'm sure most parents are helping them at home, but that is all undone very quickly when a teacher decides your child is not being the perfect student. Ive always sided with the school over any behavioural problems Teachers can't be allowed to hide behind a personality clash though, it's a dangerous cop out

LoganberryJam · 24/03/2022 08:42

Talk to the teacher first OP. Don't make it a "his word against yours" conversation though, just talk about how he upset he is and he's been having nightmares and ask how you can work together to build up his confidence.

If nothing changes, then go to the head.

ittakes2 · 24/03/2022 08:44

I personally think you should go with head teacher and teacher. You have already spoken to her. And if she keeps telling you it’s ok and you try to go the head then it looks like you are going over her head and not accepting reassurance. Tell them you want to get to the bottom of the nightmares and don’t mention issues with her.

Cocomarine · 24/03/2022 08:45

[quote Booboo24]@Cocomarine where is anyone shrugging their shoulders! I'm sure most parents are helping them at home, but that is all undone very quickly when a teacher decides your child is not being the perfect student. Ive always sided with the school over any behavioural problems Teachers can't be allowed to hide behind a personality clash though, it's a dangerous cop out[/quote]
@Booboo24 my shrugging shoulders comment was aimed at @HestersSamplerofCarrots who challenged my suggestion of also supporting the child at home with a “why should she?”

AlisonDonut · 24/03/2022 08:49

@LoganberryJam

Talk to the teacher first OP. Don't make it a "his word against yours" conversation though, just talk about how he upset he is and he's been having nightmares and ask how you can work together to build up his confidence.

If nothing changes, then go to the head.

She did that and he is now having nightmares after the teachers went in harder on him.

No, teacher had her warning. Next is the Head and what they are doing about getting this teacher back to teaching.

jellybe · 24/03/2022 09:01

I would have a final chat with the teacher, making it clear that his anxiety is worse and that you want to know what is being put in place to support him in Maths- get her to outline what she is going to do specifically. Then if things don't improve talk to the head. Wether she likes DS or not shouldn't matter she is the adult in the room and he is 9. Her job is to support and teach him if that isn't happening then she is shit at her job.

Catalinka · 24/03/2022 09:09

When you spoke to the teacher before you said he was anxious but didn't say anything about how she spoke to him. I'd go back and say what it is that's upsetting him and ask for her take on it and what can be done about it.

theworldhas · 24/03/2022 10:06

I would speak to the teacher again. At the parents evening you said he was anxious and lacking confidence, but the teacher perhaps didn’t take it as a major concern as probably half the class is anxious about one subject or another. I think you need to speak to the teacher and explain it’s a serious issue and that your child is trying their best but sometimes feels the teacher isn’t acknowledging this. THEN ask assistance from the headteacher if the situation has still not improved after you have spoken frankly with his teacher. It’s not a good idea or at all helpful to think of the teacher as some kind of enemy. It could well just be crossed wires. Give them a chance.

Kate0902900908 · 24/03/2022 10:42

I was bullied and singled out by a teacher when I was 6-7. She terrified me. Shouted at me every day until I was sitting there repeatedly whispering to myself ‘she can’t hit you’. I would have a meeting with her and the head together and make it very clear you have serious concerns over how your son is acting after being in her care. I would also speak with teaching assistant and see if they know why.

Katya213 · 24/03/2022 11:17

Teachers will lie, manipulate and close ranks. Don’t doubt your child. People will be along to let me know I’m wrong but believe me, I’ve seen it for myself and heard it in the staff rooms. It’s why I left.

PersephonePomegranate · 24/03/2022 11:18

I agree with one more discussion with the teacher before escalating.

As for the suggested personality clash - that is not good enough. Lots of people work in stressful jobs with people they either dislike or struggle to connect with but it's not acceptable to be rude or dismissive. It's something we all have to deal with as adults. It's even less acceptable when dealing with a child!

Katya213 · 24/03/2022 11:26

Also, don’t be scared that they will brand you “one of those parents”. That’s how they tend to manipulate you into not confronting them. Not all teachers are like this, there are some great ones! It’s the ones who like to throw their authority around for no reason other than control of the child, are the ones I found you have to question.

TheirTheyre · 24/03/2022 11:47

Straight to headteacher. His class teacher had her chance and your son is upset and anxious and having nightmares! Whatever it is, it needs support and sorting.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 24/03/2022 11:54

So he has this teacher for all subjects but only has a problem with her in maths? Build his confidence by doing the same maths at home.

Seraphinesupport · 24/03/2022 12:24

kids shouldnt have to go to school to be abused.

It happened to me. teacher used to shout at me whilst helping everyone else. Used to mutter under her breath that i was stupid or too stupid to both teaching ...

made me so anxious to even leave the house. I was a child. an innocent child and i remember being 7 years old and losing my faith in adults.

AfraidToRun · 24/03/2022 12:39

I volunteered to provide one to one support for year 7s who were unable to read numbers, make up tens etc whilst in sixth form. They were so afraid of trying they would do anything to avoid it, even getting them to sit down was hard, but once they did and had some positive feedback it was clear they had the ability but none of the self belief. I think this is where teaching in groups of 30 or so really let's some children down. How does he approach maths at home?

UsernameInTheTown · 24/03/2022 12:41

DD8's teacher is an utter cunt and half the kids are terrified of her. She only awards certain kids 'Dojos' (some bullshit reward scheme). We are counting down the days until the summer hols then a new teacher.

Original poster
venusmay · 24/03/2022 12:46

The ironic thing he's in a class of 12 children so I don't understand why more support can't be given.

I spoke to the class teacher earlier and she was quite dismissive of everything. She didn't deny saying those things to ds and just said she keeps saying his name in class because she wanted to keep him on task. She said she didn't want him to disrupt the session by going to the toilet but the TA had let him go later in the afternoon.

I don't feel reassured and feel like a bad parent sending my ds back into this school. Now I'm thinking I need to speak to the head and possibly consider moving ds from the school if we can't sort it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
venusmay · 24/03/2022 12:46

Unfortunately they have the same teacher for 2 years at the school.

OP posts:
umberellaonesie · 24/03/2022 12:50

In a similar situation after speaking to the teacher, speaking to the head, having other parents coming to tell their children were telling them how horrible the teacher was to my son. I sat in a meeting With said teacher, headteacher, union rep and my son. The teacher said ' it's not that I don't like you son' I got up and walked out.
That teacher ruined my son's primary school experience and he has never forgotten how she made him feel. So don't let it lie. The teacher needs to address her behaviour

Katya213 · 24/03/2022 12:58

@UsernameInTheTown

DD8's teacher is an utter cunt and half the kids are terrified of her. She only awards certain kids 'Dojos' (some bullshit reward scheme). We are counting down the days until the summer hols then a new teacher.
This!