What things do your partner's family do that you think are really rude? And what things do your family do that you now realise are rude?!

[SarahAndQuack]

This is absolutely a thread about a thread (the one where the OP's husband leaves the table). It just got me wondering. What does your partner do because they've been brought up that way, that you think is actually really rude? And what things did you discover, as an adult, were really rude that your family thought were normal?

DP's family have no table manners whatsoever - anything I could name that someone somewhere thinks is rude, they do it. But one thing that really irritates me is that they'll let you explain what you're going to cook, then when the meal is being served, they'll say 'is there anything else - I don't like x' or 'is there something else for ChildsName to eat?' Then they fully expect you to heat up something else for them while everyone else's meal goes cold. I trained DP out of this but something minor that bugs me is that I was taught if someone comes home with the shopping, you go offer to help unpack. It's just what my mum does. DP just doesn't get this and, though it's irrational, it never fails to irritate me.

As for my family - my parents are both eye-wateringly rude in shops or any kind of situation where they're paying for a service. They barely bother with 'please' or 'thank you' and they will complain at the drop of a hat. My dad recently had me read an email he was sending to his lawyer - who he thinks is doing a good job for him - and it was so rude I was squirming! No 'I hope you are well' or anything, just a list of demands and criticisms. I was well into my 20s before I really understood how to write a polite letter.

What about you?

@Brefugee

Salting food is wrong?!

it is rude to salt it before you taste. Even if you like highly salted food. My brother is a chef and (IMO) oversalts a bit. I've been there while he's seen people pile on the salt then complain that it's too salty. It's not pretty.

it really isn't too much to taste something then adjust seasoning.

This is more of an etiquette thing than actually rude. It doesn't do any harm. Some people like their food really salty so they know they need salt no matter how much the cook has put in. I often put no salt when cooking because I think it's healthier that way and then people can add whatever they want, but the traditional idea is that the cook should add the salt so then you need to taste it to know if it needs more salt.

"I see it as rude because for me it shows you’re not listening to what I’m saying. "

On the contrary. They're so interested in what you're saying that it makes them enthusiastic about joining in.

" I think it’s more polite to wait until someone has finished what they were saying, then say what you wanted to say."

But then you may have forgotten the point you were going to make or someone else has chimed in. It's not a natural way to converse imo. A conversation is not a meeting.

Perhaps that’s a difference of opinion. In my family we all seem to manage to remember what we want to say without just forcing our way in while someone else is trying to speak. I personally would find it really rude if someone regularly just started talking over the top of me so they didn’t forget what they had to say. I mean why is it so important you get to say what you wanted/don’t forget it, but not equally important that someone else gets to say what they wanted?

@Kanaloa

Perhaps that’s a difference of opinion. In my family we all seem to manage to remember what we want to say without just forcing our way in while someone else is trying to speak. I personally would find it really rude if someone regularly just started talking over the top of me so they didn’t forget what they had to say. I mean why is it so important you get to say what you wanted/don’t forget it, but not equally important that someone else gets to say what they wanted?

Yes, it's obviously a different opinion and a cultural difference as well, different countries and obviously different families. Just because your family does it one way, doesn't mean that's the only way.

I didn’t say it’s the only way. I said in my opinion it’s rude and I would find someone rude for interrupting me. Obviously if your family are all happy to be interrupted then it works for all of you in your family situation.

My family. Lateness. Growing up we were late to everything, even events like suppers where people would be waiting for us.

When I went to uni I realised how rude it was. I cringe looking back on it!

My Sister has been embarrassing in the past with waitresses, she would order and be polite but not say please or thankyou even my BIL would correct her and look embarrassed.

My MIL is very hard to please and also describes lovely food as mediocre when her cooking is extremely basic, she also is as tight with money as a ducks ass which is a whole different story. 😂

Have seen my FIL wipe his mouth on the corner of the table cloth a couple of times when he couldn't find a napkin. It was pretty funny and everyone's told him off.

I've seen my DH do it as well and I've told him off for it.

Also dipping bread into pasta sauce or into any sauce. I find that really disgusting and that's not allowed in my family.

However my dad and brother eat really loudly and disgustingly. So it's no better really.

Also dipping bread into pasta sauce or into any sauce. I find that really disgusting and that's not allowed in my family.

Why? Many restaurants have such things as a starter option. Do you feel the same about crisps or tortilla? Or is it just bread?

If my PIL have a meal served on shared dishes in the middle of the table (wherever it is, including other people's homes and sharing dishes in restaurants) they will work out what everyone's 'share' of each dish is and take their full 'share' immediately. They will often ask the host to confirm what everyone's 'share' is (eg. how many roast potatoes do we each get). If DH or the DC only take a small amount they will insist on putting more on their plate- including giving young children the same 'share' as adults.

This really annoys me when they come to dinner at our house because I hate the idea of anyone not having enough to eat but also hate throwing perfectly good food in the bin. If food is left in the serving dishes after the meal I am happy to put it in the fridge for someone to eat the next day. Instead, MIL and PIL pile their plates with their (huge) 'share' of every item and only eat about half of it.

My parents are generally very polite but if anyone mentions anything even vaguely political they launch in to a lecture on socialism. If anyone dares to disagree they will be accused of having middle class privilege and not understanding the real world. DH has been on the receiving end of this rant several times- despite being the first member of his extended family to not have a manual job in heavy industry.

I was just reminded of another one.

DP's sister thinks that when the wait staff come over to ask for your order, that's the time to look at the menu and deliberate. She will look at the menu beforehand, and you can ask her what she thinks she will order, but this is a trick. Once someone arrives to take the order, she'll say she's ready, and we'll all order. When it comes to her turn she has no issue with sitting there going 'hmmm. Oh. I don't know what I want. Mmm. Do I want the chicken? Did you order that? Wait, what did you choose? Mmm. I could have chicken. What do you think [Son] will eat? Will he have the peas? Son? Would you eat peas?'

Then she will ask if something not on the menu could be managed for her perfectly healthy ten-year-old child, who has no dietary restrictions, and she will be rude about what's on offer. Eventually, she will complete her order.

I am dreading the time her child is old enough to be timed out on most children's menus - recently we went somewhere where (though we didn't know) the child's portion ended at age 8, and she spent ages insisting he deserved a child's portion and going on and on ... then when it came, she asked if he could have extra peas and bread on the side as it wasn't very big.

I love her, and I think she genuinely does not realise she is being rude, but I want to crawl into a hole when we go out with her.

@phoenixrosehere

Also dipping bread into pasta sauce or into any sauce. I find that really disgusting and that's not allowed in my family.

Why? Many restaurants have such things as a starter option. Do you feel the same about crisps or tortilla? Or is it just bread?

I just find it gross to mop up the left overs if that makes sense ? It's not so bad if it's just done with bread and olive oil / vinegar at the start of a meal. But also not too excess and there needs to be a certain finesse about how you do it. Don't just shove your bread in there and wipe the entire plate with it, I find that gross. Break a small bit of bread and gently dip it in the olive oil, isn't as gross.

Getting a slab of bread and cleaning your entire plate with it after it had pasta sauce in it, makes me want to puke !

MIL and SIL have the tv blasting all the time, will not turn it down
MIL will make herself a drink and not ask anyone else
SIL will always take something with her when she leaves, a few toilet rolls, because she' run out. Drives me insane

In law family eat HUGE portions of cake at family gatherings just using their hands and cackling loudly saying nom-nom-nom! My family eat small slices on plates with forks, quietly.

My family rarely ask you anything about yourself or what is happening for you, buy tend to be very eager to tell you about Mrs. Grant's daughters' issues with her next door neighbours. In laws are very interested in your life to the point of being prying and overinvolved.

In laws like to make lots of noise in restaurants and linger way longer than they should while hogging the space. My family are painfully shy, self-effacing and hate drawing any attention to themselves.

Opposite ends of the spectrum!

I think there is a difference between etiquette (which is just a set of social 'rules') and actual rudeness.

The behaviour around food is probably the worst for this.

Salting food, wiping sauce with bread etc is just etiquette and different people will have different 'rules'. You can impose those 'rules' on your own DCs (but only while they are still children) but not on anyone else. Doing something differently is not necessarily rude.

Eating or not eating all the food presented can definitely be an etiquette thing. For some people eating all the food implies that there wasnt enough food and therefore 'rude'. For others not eating all the food is wasteful and therefore 'rude'.

Having phones at the table, eating quickly then leaving tend to be around what the family attitude to meals is. When DD first brought her then BF to stay with us she warned us that he tended to eat quickly. In his family meals were largely fuel. You dont hang around at a petrol station so why would you hang around once you have finished eating.

No serviettes for a meal, kitchen paper would be fine but nothing. They'd rather have food around their mouths.
I can’t think of anyone I know who uses napkins – it’s not rude, it’s fairly normal. But everyone I know also manages to aim the food inside their mouth.

@stuntbubbles

No serviettes for a meal, kitchen paper would be fine but nothing. They'd rather have food around their mouths. I can’t think of anyone I know who uses napkins – it’s not rude, it’s fairly normal. But everyone I know also manages to aim the food inside their mouth.

I thought this. My family don’t use serviettes but none of us seem to end up with food round our mouths?

When dh and I were 'courting', they all had their specific seats at the table and I had to sit at the end facing away from the sitting room. They could all see they TV and would watch it whilst we were eating which I thought was quite rude!

@stuntbubbles

No serviettes for a meal, kitchen paper would be fine but nothing. They'd rather have food around their mouths. I can’t think of anyone I know who uses napkins – it’s not rude, it’s fairly normal. But everyone I know also manages to aim the food inside their mouth.

Napkins, paper towel, whatever you want to call it, something to wipe your mouth with. It just seems really odd to me to not have it as an option for any meal.

@stuntbubbles

No serviettes for a meal, kitchen paper would be fine but nothing. They'd rather have food around their mouths. I can’t think of anyone I know who uses napkins – it’s not rude, it’s fairly normal. But everyone I know also manages to aim the food inside their mouth.

Unless we’re eating something particularly messy that you eat with your hands, I agree it’s completely normal not to have napkins available. Go and get kitchen roll for yourself if you want it.

I don’t drink alcohol anymore, but when I did, and we were round PIL’s house, FIL would offer MIL a drink in front of the rest of us at exactly the same time each evening Pre dinner making it sound like a new idea “would you like a drink [MIL]?”

The rest of us weren’t offered a drink until later. We were supposed to watch MIL have her special early drink by herself.

I think this is strange/rude. FIL manners otherwise impeccable.

We had to go to inlaws for dinner EVERY sunday. They and twat xh would not make an exception.
Xh and bil would sidle off to smoke weed and I would have to listen to racist shite from inlaws and be in sole charge of kids(who were not allowed to play but were papped In front of tv)
I would also have to help set/clear the table while the men were waited on. Also the penis portions and would make sly comments about my loving my food when I helped myself to more. Also you got offered one glass of wine.That was it. But I got wise to that and woud just ask for another glass.
When I eventually said I was no longer going every sunday inlaws never spoke to me again. Hurrah.

DP's family go to sleep on each other's sofas all the time. They will come for a visit and if they feel sleepy will just go to sleep. To be honest, I don't mind it. I started napping on their sofas if I feel like it. I think it is a bit strange, though!

We never ate round a table so there were lots of things I didn’t grow up knowing (ie wait until everyone has their food before eating, asking before leaving the table).

DHs family are unfailingly polite, but I always get the feeling of things unsaid which drives me batty as I like to say how I feel and for others to do the same

I’ve also never had serviettes/ napkins at the table since my dc stopped being toddlers unless it’s something like fajitas or barbecue. I would if I’m doing a proper dinner party and for Sunday lunch if we’re having people round though. I don’t think that is unusual at all, is it? I’ve certainly never seen adults get food all round their mouths as a result.