What things do your partner's family do that you think are really rude? And what things do your family do that you now realise are rude?!

[SarahAndQuack]

This is absolutely a thread about a thread (the one where the OP's husband leaves the table). It just got me wondering. What does your partner do because they've been brought up that way, that you think is actually really rude? And what things did you discover, as an adult, were really rude that your family thought were normal?

DP's family have no table manners whatsoever - anything I could name that someone somewhere thinks is rude, they do it. But one thing that really irritates me is that they'll let you explain what you're going to cook, then when the meal is being served, they'll say 'is there anything else - I don't like x' or 'is there something else for ChildsName to eat?' Then they fully expect you to heat up something else for them while everyone else's meal goes cold. I trained DP out of this but something minor that bugs me is that I was taught if someone comes home with the shopping, you go offer to help unpack. It's just what my mum does. DP just doesn't get this and, though it's irrational, it never fails to irritate me.

As for my family - my parents are both eye-wateringly rude in shops or any kind of situation where they're paying for a service. They barely bother with 'please' or 'thank you' and they will complain at the drop of a hat. My dad recently had me read an email he was sending to his lawyer - who he thinks is doing a good job for him - and it was so rude I was squirming! No 'I hope you are well' or anything, just a list of demands and criticisms. I was well into my 20s before I really understood how to write a polite letter.

What about you?

My DP's parents are very wealthy and very traditional 'old school' and consider themselves the height of polite society. I however, do not. Never once, in 6 years, have they ever asked me anything about my job, but always want to know every detail of DP's (because he works in the same political circles his dad did and everyone knows each other). DP's Mum socialises regularly with DP's ex wife and over the years has made it very clear she prefers her over me, so frequently talks about their shopping trips/days out together. When we see his parents I find I'm left out of conversation and unable to really join in at any point.

His Dad has a 'children should be seen and not heard' attitude to kids and has tried on various occasions to get restaurants to seat our children on a different table away from the adults. That very rarely flies with a restaurant though! He also likes to rush in and out of a meal so will practically run to the table on arrival far quicker than the rest of the party, and will ask for the bill before everyone has eaten, then get up and go to pay as soon as it arrives. He never waits for the waiter to bring the card machine to him. I find the whole experience of eating with them so stressful.

I havn't had a proper meal with my own family in years, but I remember when we all got together (big extended family) everyone would talk over each other at 1000 decibels. My first husband found it very overwhelming but I'd never noticed it until he pointed it out.

The American contingent never say thank you to any kind of server / shop assistant / person generally making their life easier and don't start me on how they use cutlery.

My experience is the exact opposite- I find Americans very polite in general.

The cutlery thing is just a different custom.

Actually, apologies- I misread your post and thought it was about Americans generally.

My ex’s family are awful to service workers. It’s almost like they take pride in being difficult customers, and take any opportunity to complain about service. I once had my ex’s mother loudly complain we’d been waiting to be seated at a restaurant for 15 minutes, when we’d been there less than 5.

As for my family, we definitely have a few politeness rules we ignored growing up. I’ve got 5 siblings, so we never bothered waiting around for everyone to be done before people leave the table. Obviously I wouldn’t get up and walk away if we had company or if I was going out somewhere to eat, but I’ve never really worried about leaving a table when I was done. I find it weirder to sit and watch the other person eat.

PIL used to turn up ridiculously early. When we had our first tiny flat they stayed in a hotel and I told to “have a lie in” till 12.30 because I didn’t want them under my feet while I was cooking Sunday lunch. They turned up at 10.30 and kept banging on the door and ringing the buzzer till we let them in. When we bought our house they were meant to be staying with us but turned up at 2pm having been told DH would not be home from work till 6pm to let them in. Our cleaner refused to let them in and they had to sit in the car for hours

FIL has always been incredibly rude around food: sits there like lady muck while everyone is running round preparing, starts eating as soon as the plate is in front of him because he can’t wait 30 seconds for me to fetch my plate from the kitchen, and gets up from the table, throws his napkin down and walks off when he’s finished rather than bringing his plate into the kitchen. He’s also selectively picky about food - he will say without warning “I don’t like” something he ate a week or a month ago. What he means is “I’m not personally in the mood for that today”. There’s no understanding that when a meal’s cooked by someone else in their home he can’t just dictate what he gets as if he’s in a restaurant.

My family’s rudeness issues also centre around food. They eat ridiculously quickly, which DH hates because even though they don’t get up and start clearing, he feels rushed. My late DF and not so DB were also appalling about serving themselves huge greedy portions of anything that didn’t come plated, with no regard for anyone else. It seemed to get worse when DH came on the scene - some perverse reversal of family hold back, like they were trying to show they were the men of the house and would have what they liked. DM desperately tried to provide larger and larger dishes of food so anyone could serve themselves as much as they wanted, but their portions just got bigger. Gross. She stopped using serving dishes in the end and even Christmas dinner got plated up in the kitchen.

I have one ear slightly higher than the other one. My mother would happily announce at tea parties “It’s a sign of criminality you know!” Absolutely galling……

My DM completely stoped talking to my DC several years ago and now can't be bothered talking to me despite the fact I have travelled abroad to see her.

I find that fairly ill mannered.

I changed my mind on the salting thing a while ago.

I think it's illogical and it's not something I'd ever do, but it doesn't affect anyone else's enjoyment of their meal and I think it's actually ruder to feel entitled to get pissed off that a guest isn't eating their food in the manner that you've decided is proper for them.

My MIL doesn’t know what I do, how many siblings I have/anything about my family or my life. She has never asked me about myself once just sits complaining and telling me about people I don’t know.
On a group trip I noticed a lot of people serving themselves huge portions from serving dishes meaning there wasn’t enough food to go around. Makes me so cross!

[quote PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn]@TheGrinchsDog yes! And if you protest you're being hugely unreasonable. Also this family member is very quick to get mardy and strop that you're treating them like a servant if you dare to ask them to bring you a glass of water on their way back from the kitchen [/quote]
Yup!

My mum was fond of trotting out the what did your last slave die of phrase... well exactly mum what did your last slave die of?!

@TheGrinchsDog I'm beginning to think we're related...!

My in laws are huge complainers at restaurants. I find it really embarrassing especially as it's never about anything serious. I do like them and it's not every time but when it is, it's often presented in quite a rude way.

My parents are pretty loud and my dad will sometimes ask the same question over and over again, which drives DH insane

Argh this thread has made me equal parts squirm in embarrassment at other people's rudeness and dread that I am unconsciously doing mortifying things all the time!

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn We may very well be!

"However I've come to learn from dh that it's pretty rude"

Why do you take his opinion as correct and better than yours???
Go to Spain for a bit - everyone interrupts there!
I think it's how natural conversations work. I don't want to live in a world where I need permission to speak.

@Winkydink

My PIL kindly give me birthday, Christmas and Easter cards all as follows:

“Winky (no salutation)

[standard printed card text eg Merry christmas]

Parents In law (no “love” or even “from”!)”

Can anyone explain this? Both retired English teachers before anyone suggests it’s a language barrier! What am I missing? It seems so weird to me!

What's the actual problem here?

"But then how do you know if anyone's in there?!"

Knock.
I understand people not wanting the toilet visible.

"My partner’s family don’t greet the rest of the house when they come home. They open the door and go to where ever they want to be without greeting other household members. "

That's rude if you have guests, but not so much if it's only the people you live with.

" in my family someone who was already home would make the recently arrived person a cup of tea"

Guests, yes, but you mean people who live together? Why does the one already home have to make the tea?

@PiesNotGuys

FML everything my family did was rude, and weird, if not criminal. If you are brought up that way you don’t always know what’s right or wrong.

Turns out shouting at random people out of car windows is rude. I’m not sure if going to strangers weddings and funerals is rude but ive been told it’s definitely weird. Vandalising things strays into the criminal, but we used to do that too as a family outing. Picking flowers out of other peoples gardens is at best frowned upon, I’m guessing. Door knocking and running away as a joke. Taking things out of skips.

I’d never come across the idea of an anniversary, a thank you card, no idea that a gift for anything except birthdays and Christmas could be expected. It was the norm to take a bottle of something if we went to someones house but it was for us to drink and we’d be taking home any spare after. EG:- first time I learned about wedding gifts was from watching Friends and even then I thought that’s an American thing. I first heard of Valentine’s Day at high school. I was in my later twenties before I found out what an RSVP was.

I still have some things I’d consider normal but I don’t know if they are rude or not.

Crossing the baby’s palm with silver.
Taking babies and toddlers to the cinema/theatre/out in the evening.
Beeping at people you know when you unexpectedly drive past them.
Inviting people out for a birthday and paying/not paying. I never know about that one.
According to a recent mn thread I clearly have no idea what is ok to wear to a traditional English wedding despite having attended several.

And some things my DH’s lot do that baffle me.

They don’t do rounds in the pub. I use rounds to help me figure out how much I’ve drunk!
They automatically couple up, eg if you invite one the other considers themselves invited too, it is assumed.
On the above note if you tell one person something in confidence that means they will tell their spouse. This is bafflingly rude to me and has tripped me up before.
Nobody eats the last piece of anything. It is parcelled up carefully and put in the fridge then thrown out three days later. I’d have eaten it, but it is rude.
Penis portions.
We don’t correct the elders even when the elders are being rude, racist, sexist, we hold our tongues and bitch about them later

I'm on page 3 and this is the first example of actually rude things.

My DH’s family snoop around our house and help themselves to things they like (e.g. books, face creams etc), then state after they’ve already used whatever: ‘I hope you don’t mind me using XYZ.’ Infuriates me! Ask first!!!

My brother is incredibly rude to people he doesn’t like. He makes instant judgements when he first meets people and if they don’t live up to his very precise standards he won’t even talk to them, just blanks them. I find it excruciatingly embarrassing and awful!

"My dad plans what he’ll make for people as soon as he knows they are coming to visit and we don’t lift a finger when we stay."

And what if the people want to go out or do something else?

"In my family serving up a ready meal essentially says ‘I don’t like you, you are not important’."

Then you are food snobs.

"They don’t open windows / turn off heating in multiple rooms then we have to stay in them and it’s freezing and damp."

Making your guests cold is actually rude, but do you ask for more heating?

My mum:
Ignores everyone for phone
Makes no effort to come see anyone but moans when they don't come see her(only in her 50's, not some really old woman struggling with eyesight etc)
Passes comment on people's looks too much
Is at least 1 hour late for everything.

Mil:
Eats with her mouth open spraying food everywhere
Repeats herself constantly
Talks over the top of people if she finds their conversation boring
Never offers any help with washing up if she's had dinner at someone's but expects the help herself(she went to look after her sister last month after her sister had a cancerous lump removed and the looking after included making 1 cup of tea and then leaving all of the cooking and washing up for her sister 🤦‍♀️ she's a lovely woman really but just quite socially unaware).

@Onlywomengivebirth

I’ll often wander off to bed without saying goodnight. Even when family is staying. I try not to forget to say good night now but sometimes still do.

I'll say good night if the person is in the room, but I won't go around looking for people to say good night to them. I do remember my DM telling me once that my GF was disappointed I hadn't said good night, but she herself hadn't taught me this was important so what did she expect?

@Gwenhwyfar

"However I've come to learn from dh that it's pretty rude"

Why do you take his opinion as correct and better than yours???
Go to Spain for a bit - everyone interrupts there!
I think it's how natural conversations work. I don't want to live in a world where I need permission to speak.

I see it as rude because for me it shows you’re not listening to what I’m saying. I also find people who interrupt tend to be the type of people who monopolise the conversation/talk much more than anyone else. I think it’s more polite to wait until someone has finished what they were saying, then say what you wanted to say. I find it really rude if someone cuts across me while I’m talking.