Am I asking too much from my husband?

[Nosleepingclub]

Ok, this is a long one and i’d like opinions on whether or not I’m asking too much from my husband? Please be gentle, I’m genuinely second guessing myself and unsure if I’m being crazy/demanding for wanting more help from him.

I’m a SAHM with a 2 year old and my husband supports us all financially because putting our toddler into childcare didn’t make financial sense (we’d barely be better off if I worked a job full time).

Since the day our child was born he’s not really helped me with childcare or around the house. I had a pretty horrific birth along with infection afterwards but that made no difference. I had a pretty horrific pregnancy too (HG) and he said that because I had been so ill for so long and he had to take care of me during pregnancy, it was taking a toll on him. I can understand it was hard for him, but it was for me too but I was completely incapacitated since I got pregnant until 6 months after birth and still had to look after my baby and the house.

Fast forward two years on. He’s only just started (this week) helping around the house (he did some laundry, he may load and unload the dishwasher from time to time but won’t clean floors, hoover, change bedding along with anything else) and the only reason he’s doing it is because I have begged for help for two solid years.

At the weekends he rarely takes our child out and if he does it’s always to a food shop (Tesco etc) or a shopping centre because he says it’s easier for him to look after him there. Rarely takes him to a outdoor park and has never been to a group or soft play with him. If he could stick on a Disney film all day and let him watch it, he would. He sits on his phone a lot too.

Our kid loves him (obviously) dad is lots of fun running about the house and playing, he does interact with our kid but if the inevitable tantrum arises he’s stuck and I have to intervene or if I’m showering and my toddler wants me, they just stand out side the shower whilst they scream and my husband holds them.

I feel like I’m on the job 24/7. My husband takes extra work - not because we need the money, I think just to get away. I’ve asked him not too, but he still does.

His job is very much his passion (it’s a very exciting, fun industry and he admits he’s lucky to do a job he adores) but he makes out he’s slogging it all day long (I can assure you he’s not. Maybe once in a blue moon does he have a ‘physical’ day at work!)

I would just like more help around the house, for him to make more effort with our kid. He says stuff like ‘I can’t wait till they’re older And they have the same interests in me’ or ‘I can’t wait until they’re older until I can do xyz with them’. He says it because he wants to do fun stuff again (going to movies, theme parks, computer games) but I’ve said, what happens if they want to do ballet? Or football? Things my husbands not interested in. What will happen then? Will I be expected to do everything with them because dads not interested? (which I do not mind at all, but I feel my husbands life hasn’t changed much but mine has)

I used this example for him and said:

If we spilt up and I took our kid, I’d work full time but also look after them full time (after they come home from nursery) (he says he couldn’t have them full time because of work And he said he’d never do pick ups and drop offs due to work and I’d have to sort that out myself) and do all my own chores and life admin etc - exactly as I’m doing now - nothing will change for me but also, nothing would change for him. He’d go to work, do his own thing and come home. I feel like we’re not a family.

He says he’s not at the pub every night, which I know, he works late (finishes at 6:30 but travels for hours and gets home at 8pm) and he’s just working to support us and just drives to and from
Work and I expect too much from him and there’s really no other thing or help he can give me.

I should mention, he gets lie ins whenever he can, whenever he has a day off work, you can bet he has a lie in. The only time I get a lie in is if he says ‘you stay in bed’. It’s never the other way round, he just always expects me to be on call for our son, even when he’s home.

I am asking too much from him?

YABU - he’s supporting you. Be thankful and accept all the work you have

YANBU - he’s not pulling his weight, he could do more.

He has all of the financial responsibility. You will be much better off if you work. You will be earning toward your pension and you will have more independence.

This is utterly appalling.

It's not about expecting him to come home from work and successfully complete all chores that need doing. It's about him working WITH you in the home, putting effort in and trying. Say you both washed the dishes after a meal together, and between you you only managed to wash the plates, soak some pans and half clear the surfaces. That's fine, that's the reality of family life. What isn't fine, is him utterly checking out once he gets home from work, and not even engaging with your feelings and concerns (in fact, with you having to BEG for his support).

I am not normally one to suggest this with such little information, but I would seriously consider whether you can still be happy in a relationship with this man. Exactly like you said, if you left, took your child and had to work yourself, your life would essentially be the same. It would have a different daily routine, but you'd still be working all the time, have full responsibility of the child, etc. It's like he's forgotten that if he didn't have you, he would have to do all the housework, all the childcare and also work. That is the reality for soooooo many people!!!

I do agree that the energy and contribution he puts in by working should be taken into consideration. But the fact is, this is way beyond that. He thinks he can have a comfortable home, well cared for child AND healthy relationship without doing anything more than working a job. That is not reality.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I would find it devastating and incredibly stressful to have to beg my partner for help with housework and childcare. It is his home, and his child too!! You are on the clock 24/7. Being employed and going to a job does not compare to that.