Am I asking too much from my husband?

[Nosleepingclub]

Ok, this is a long one and i’d like opinions on whether or not I’m asking too much from my husband? Please be gentle, I’m genuinely second guessing myself and unsure if I’m being crazy/demanding for wanting more help from him.

I’m a SAHM with a 2 year old and my husband supports us all financially because putting our toddler into childcare didn’t make financial sense (we’d barely be better off if I worked a job full time).

Since the day our child was born he’s not really helped me with childcare or around the house. I had a pretty horrific birth along with infection afterwards but that made no difference. I had a pretty horrific pregnancy too (HG) and he said that because I had been so ill for so long and he had to take care of me during pregnancy, it was taking a toll on him. I can understand it was hard for him, but it was for me too but I was completely incapacitated since I got pregnant until 6 months after birth and still had to look after my baby and the house.

Fast forward two years on. He’s only just started (this week) helping around the house (he did some laundry, he may load and unload the dishwasher from time to time but won’t clean floors, hoover, change bedding along with anything else) and the only reason he’s doing it is because I have begged for help for two solid years.

At the weekends he rarely takes our child out and if he does it’s always to a food shop (Tesco etc) or a shopping centre because he says it’s easier for him to look after him there. Rarely takes him to a outdoor park and has never been to a group or soft play with him. If he could stick on a Disney film all day and let him watch it, he would. He sits on his phone a lot too.

Our kid loves him (obviously) dad is lots of fun running about the house and playing, he does interact with our kid but if the inevitable tantrum arises he’s stuck and I have to intervene or if I’m showering and my toddler wants me, they just stand out side the shower whilst they scream and my husband holds them.

I feel like I’m on the job 24/7. My husband takes extra work - not because we need the money, I think just to get away. I’ve asked him not too, but he still does.

His job is very much his passion (it’s a very exciting, fun industry and he admits he’s lucky to do a job he adores) but he makes out he’s slogging it all day long (I can assure you he’s not. Maybe once in a blue moon does he have a ‘physical’ day at work!)

I would just like more help around the house, for him to make more effort with our kid. He says stuff like ‘I can’t wait till they’re older And they have the same interests in me’ or ‘I can’t wait until they’re older until I can do xyz with them’. He says it because he wants to do fun stuff again (going to movies, theme parks, computer games) but I’ve said, what happens if they want to do ballet? Or football? Things my husbands not interested in. What will happen then? Will I be expected to do everything with them because dads not interested? (which I do not mind at all, but I feel my husbands life hasn’t changed much but mine has)

I used this example for him and said:

If we spilt up and I took our kid, I’d work full time but also look after them full time (after they come home from nursery) (he says he couldn’t have them full time because of work And he said he’d never do pick ups and drop offs due to work and I’d have to sort that out myself) and do all my own chores and life admin etc - exactly as I’m doing now - nothing will change for me but also, nothing would change for him. He’d go to work, do his own thing and come home. I feel like we’re not a family.

He says he’s not at the pub every night, which I know, he works late (finishes at 6:30 but travels for hours and gets home at 8pm) and he’s just working to support us and just drives to and from
Work and I expect too much from him and there’s really no other thing or help he can give me.

I should mention, he gets lie ins whenever he can, whenever he has a day off work, you can bet he has a lie in. The only time I get a lie in is if he says ‘you stay in bed’. It’s never the other way round, he just always expects me to be on call for our son, even when he’s home.

I am asking too much from him?

YABU - he’s supporting you. Be thankful and accept all the work you have

YANBU - he’s not pulling his weight, he could do more.

@spacehardware

Out of interest why were you doing everything domestic before you had children, when you were both working?

I honestly wish I had an answer for this. He’s beyond lazy when it comes to housework. Says he doesn’t see it. His mother laughs about it that she never taught him how to clean up after himself but he’s mid thirties, he should know now. We argued about it before we had children but he did make out like my standards were too high and kinda made me feel like I was insane for asking him to tidy up. I realise my mistakes now.

[quote Nosleepingclub]@thenewduchessoflapland you’re right. He’s said he won’t do any pick ups or drop offs at nursery or school because of work and he’s says that’s why I’ll be even more stressed because I’d be working, doing all the housework and doing all childcare still. He acknowledges I’ll be stressed because it’s a lot of work but refuses to help or do something to assist. It’s odd.[/quote]
It’s nit odd.

He is trying to scare you into staying.
Worked last year when you found the messages. So why not again? He gets to be a a great dad like he wanted, he has his house maid and skivvy. Even sex when he wants to. And none but absolutely none of the responsibilities. Pretty good no?

[quote WhyIsEverythingSoHard]@Nosleepingclub before you do anything, get a job![/quote]
This! You’re right. Before I do a thing I’m getting security! Thank you!

OP you know you shouldn't have stayed last time, but be brave, be kinder to yourself.

Get your financial independence back. Even if it means you will be doing everything else too (get a cleaner ?), then reevaluate and leave his sorry arse.

Get back into full time work ASAP.

[quote Nosleepingclub]@LannieDuck he gives me an allowance each week. But for nearly 14 months I wasn’t given anything. All food shopping comes out of my account so anything he gave me went on food.[/quote]

He's been abusing you extensively for a long time.

I hope you're ready to start breaking away from him, one step at a time.

And please stop calling yourself names. You deserve kindness and encouragement not name-calling.

@WizardOfAus

The resentment has set in. It's time to go. You might not go now.... but you will, eventually. And you will be better for it.

It has, you’re right. But stupidly I absolutely love him. Eurgh, gross I know. I just wish he’d pull his head out his butt and realise what we have but I don’t think he will. He keeps telling me what a great dad he is. I’ve never said he isn’t to him but I don’t go around saying what a great mum I am. Maybe I should!

It’s the bad PR of real life. Boy meets girl, she fancies him, he fancies her. They get together. Great Fun. Then she gets pregnant and she has baby and apart from support she’s not bothered about him or sex. First Love is now child. No more seduction and little sex. He’s pissed off. Thinks I didn’t sign up to be unpaid skivvy and child minder. She sees it her way round.
So I’m sorry I’d pay support and go elsewhere wiser and no more kids. It’s Natures bad joke on humans.
No right or wrong answer. Just life.

@WhyIsEverythingSoHard you’re making me see things a bit more clearly now. Thank you.

@Nickmoul

It’s the bad PR of real life. Boy meets girl, she fancies him, he fancies her. They get together. Great Fun. Then she gets pregnant and she has baby and apart from support she’s not bothered about him or sex. First Love is now child. No more seduction and little sex. He’s pissed off. Thinks I didn’t sign up to be unpaid skivvy and child minder. She sees it her way round. So I’m sorry I’d pay support and go elsewhere wiser and no more kids. It’s Natures bad joke on humans. No right or wrong answer. Just life.

Sorry, are you on the right thread? Cos nothing you said has anything to do with this one

@Ionlydomassiveones

He sounds like a self serving dick as a husband and a shit dad. You’re basically the live-in nanny and housekeeper that he sleeps with. Yuck.

I have to agree.

Your situation would not seem to worsen if you walked out with the child and found work that would pay for childcare and give you enough to live on.

One other thought on this:
Tell him you don't want him to do all that "hard work" so you want to employ a cleaner/help once or twice a week. If he jumps at this, you should go for it and see if it helps. Otherwise heading for the door seems the best option.

I hope you're double up on contraception if you ever find the energy to have sex.

Start making an exit plan, then inform your DH of the bare minimum standards you expect from him, and give him an ultimatum.

When he is not at work, childcare and housework (which is time specific, so can't have been completed by you in the day) and free time is shared completely equally, and he needs to stop picking up extra hours.

My ex was very similar to yours. Never did anything at all with the kids or house (1st nappy change was a performance parenting effort in front of his mother, dc was weaning and it was a brocoli poo, niiice).

I moved out when the youngest turned 3. Yes, I have to do EVERYTHING as he only sees them a few times a year but I'm not doing all his washing/ironing/tidying up after/emotional baggage. I'm in a much better place too op.

@Nickmoul you missed the bit where boy looks at girl puking until she needs an intravenous drip, then giving birth, then having PND, and boy withholds money for food.

Op - I'll join the chorus and say get a full time job. Use every contact you have and get one with maximum flexibility in hours/wfh. Start looking for people who might be able to help out with emergency backup care like dropoffs. Get your pension and NI sorted. Get a cleaner. Never, ever be dependant on him again. Then if you like him around as a decoration, fine.

This situation is awful, and your DH has currently got everything his own way. Even down to getting away with flirting with other women.

Ask him for money to hire a cleaner, pocket the money. Get a full time job and put your DC in nursery; my son went full time age 2 and 10 months and absolutely loves it. Let your standards slip at home, cater mainly for yourself and DC. Don't make any effort to make the house nice, keep his laundry done, or prepare food for him. Meantime prepare an exit plan; get yourself copies of all his financial information; find out what you can afford to rent.

Your DH is not a nice guy, and he doesn't deserve you.

[quote Nosleepingclub]@thenewduchessoflapland you’re right. He’s said he won’t do any pick ups or drop offs at nursery or school because of work and he’s says that’s why I’ll be even more stressed because I’d be working, doing all the housework and doing all childcare still. He acknowledges I’ll be stressed because it’s a lot of work but refuses to help or do something to assist. It’s odd.[/quote]
Why does he say you'll be doing all the childcare and housework still?

If you're both working FT, how does he think the chores should be divided?

Go back to work! Having one person permanently at home shifts the power balance. You will feel so much better for having a job and you can then ask that your husband does his fair share of house chores.

@gonnascreamsoon

You're effectively your husbands Mother !

YOU do everything, but HE still gets to act like he's living with his parents ffs !

This would give me the serious 'ick', because there's ZERO attraction to a 'child' !

You need to consider this....

If you left him, your life would actually be EASIER, because it's a LOT LESS work to clean/cook/do laundry for yourself + one kid. (Even when you get back into working, with him, you'll STILL be doing everything !)

However, HIS life would be 100% HARDER, because he'd have to clean/cook/do laundry/ pay bills/ shop/ run errands etc for HIMSELF ! He'll ALSO have to 'parent' ALONE when he has child access (At least EOW + half the school hols !) So YOU'LL BENEFIT by having FREE TIME to do as you please !

But, whichever you end up doing, HE'LL STILL have to support your child financially !

You can always show him exactly WHAT living without you 'working' for HIM looks like, by stopping doing ANYTHING for HIM. So, NO laundry, NO shopping, NO cooking, NO cleaning etc unless it's for either you or your DC. No paying his bills/ running errands etc that he 'can't' do because of 'work' etc !

I really think that unless women start doing this as individuals, men as a whole won’t step up and parent (or housekeep) equally. As in an automatic and active part of a team, not a fill-in-when-they-have-to-because-you-can’t arrangement. There need to be obvious and clear consequences to this childish behaviour that are apparent to all men before it becomes unacceptable on an individual basis.

Of course, this puts pressure on women as individuals, and that’s not fair, but I can’t see any other way we can ensure this becomes normal and expected of ALL partners and fathers. There need to be societal consequences, and that means individual action.

Oh, and OP, YANBU. Demand he’s part of your family team, and LTB if he doesn’t.

You have no money?
He gives you an allowance?
So you have no access to family money?

So he is a pawing financially abusive twat.

Have you family support? Friends?
Tell them the truth.

This is a awful man.
Get organised.
Get a job.
Get out.

You both deserve better.

He’s said he won’t do any pick ups or drop offs at nursery or school because of work and he’s says that’s why I’ll be even more stressed because I’d be working, doing all the housework and doing all childcare still

This is why you have to leave, because even if you are doing all this, all the cleaning etc and working - you don't have him undermining and belittling you. Any mess you clean up is yours or your daughters and so on.

You get zero help from him while you live with him, so it is only going to be better without him.

he keeps saying I shouldn’t and I’d be worse off and more stressed

Of course he does, he might have to get his finger out and do some parenting if you do.

he gives me an allowance each week. But for nearly 14 months I wasn’t given anything. All food shopping comes out of my account so anything he gave me went on food.

Holy fuck he gets worse! He gives you pocket money ffs. He doesn't respect you or value you, can't you see that? The groping would have me running for the hills, it's sexual assault. Along with all the other shit i have no idea why you'd wish to stay with him. Do you want your child to learn that this is how men treat women?

You had a good job before, you can get back into it. The resentment you have for him will eventually kill your love for him, of that I'm 99% sure.

Why isn’t the question “is my husband asking too much of me?”

I think there is still a lot of misogyny out there tbh. Yes, men want the kids but expect the woman to do all the child raising, house stuff, mental load ……. it’s quite depressing.

Although my DH did/does do some house stuff (& most cooking) my life totally changed when my DD came along but his life didn’t change very much at all. It is a cause of resentment in a lot of partnerships I would say.

So where does the money he earns go after bills, assuming there is any? Does he use it for things for himself, hobbies, savings in his name etc? Does he buy things for your child or does that come out of your food shopping ‘allowance’ as well?

He sounds like a total asshole tbh, he pressured you into having a child, clearly had zero intention of actually doing any parenting or sharing the load around the house, has been messaging other women, pesters you for sex, doesn’t give you fair access to family money and is actively discouraging you from working because he doesn’t want to have to do any housework or childcare (and by the sounds of it prefers you trapped and dependent on him. He clearly knows he’s got no leg to stand on with the unfair division of labour so has resorted to trapping you so you can grumble but do nothing).

You say you love him but is that really true? You have a bond with this man of course because he is your husband and father of your son. But love does not feature what you describe above. Control, abuse, dependence and fear do though.

At the least he does not care for you, does not respect you, cherish you or see you as an equal. I know that might sound harsh but the word ‘love’ so often covers all manner of sins. Take away that word and how emotive it is and look at the actions that characterise a relationship and the true picture often emerges.

I think you should leave him once you have a new job and childcare lined up. It’s not easy being a single parent but it’s easier than living in this sort of atmosphere being treated like shit and having to do it all - plus more because not only does your husband create extra physical work around the house, he creates untold extra emotional labour for you trying to deal with the rightful anger and resentment you have from being treated like a piece of shit.

Everything @PriestessofPing said