Am I asking too much from my husband?

[Nosleepingclub]

Ok, this is a long one and i’d like opinions on whether or not I’m asking too much from my husband? Please be gentle, I’m genuinely second guessing myself and unsure if I’m being crazy/demanding for wanting more help from him.

I’m a SAHM with a 2 year old and my husband supports us all financially because putting our toddler into childcare didn’t make financial sense (we’d barely be better off if I worked a job full time).

Since the day our child was born he’s not really helped me with childcare or around the house. I had a pretty horrific birth along with infection afterwards but that made no difference. I had a pretty horrific pregnancy too (HG) and he said that because I had been so ill for so long and he had to take care of me during pregnancy, it was taking a toll on him. I can understand it was hard for him, but it was for me too but I was completely incapacitated since I got pregnant until 6 months after birth and still had to look after my baby and the house.

Fast forward two years on. He’s only just started (this week) helping around the house (he did some laundry, he may load and unload the dishwasher from time to time but won’t clean floors, hoover, change bedding along with anything else) and the only reason he’s doing it is because I have begged for help for two solid years.

At the weekends he rarely takes our child out and if he does it’s always to a food shop (Tesco etc) or a shopping centre because he says it’s easier for him to look after him there. Rarely takes him to a outdoor park and has never been to a group or soft play with him. If he could stick on a Disney film all day and let him watch it, he would. He sits on his phone a lot too.

Our kid loves him (obviously) dad is lots of fun running about the house and playing, he does interact with our kid but if the inevitable tantrum arises he’s stuck and I have to intervene or if I’m showering and my toddler wants me, they just stand out side the shower whilst they scream and my husband holds them.

I feel like I’m on the job 24/7. My husband takes extra work - not because we need the money, I think just to get away. I’ve asked him not too, but he still does.

His job is very much his passion (it’s a very exciting, fun industry and he admits he’s lucky to do a job he adores) but he makes out he’s slogging it all day long (I can assure you he’s not. Maybe once in a blue moon does he have a ‘physical’ day at work!)

I would just like more help around the house, for him to make more effort with our kid. He says stuff like ‘I can’t wait till they’re older And they have the same interests in me’ or ‘I can’t wait until they’re older until I can do xyz with them’. He says it because he wants to do fun stuff again (going to movies, theme parks, computer games) but I’ve said, what happens if they want to do ballet? Or football? Things my husbands not interested in. What will happen then? Will I be expected to do everything with them because dads not interested? (which I do not mind at all, but I feel my husbands life hasn’t changed much but mine has)

I used this example for him and said:

If we spilt up and I took our kid, I’d work full time but also look after them full time (after they come home from nursery) (he says he couldn’t have them full time because of work And he said he’d never do pick ups and drop offs due to work and I’d have to sort that out myself) and do all my own chores and life admin etc - exactly as I’m doing now - nothing will change for me but also, nothing would change for him. He’d go to work, do his own thing and come home. I feel like we’re not a family.

He says he’s not at the pub every night, which I know, he works late (finishes at 6:30 but travels for hours and gets home at 8pm) and he’s just working to support us and just drives to and from
Work and I expect too much from him and there’s really no other thing or help he can give me.

I should mention, he gets lie ins whenever he can, whenever he has a day off work, you can bet he has a lie in. The only time I get a lie in is if he says ‘you stay in bed’. It’s never the other way round, he just always expects me to be on call for our son, even when he’s home.

I am asking too much from him?

YABU - he’s supporting you. Be thankful and accept all the work you have

YANBU - he’s not pulling his weight, he could do more.

I think there is a middle ground - use the extra money he is making to pay for a cleaner / baby sitter. My husband and I had that help around the house discussion when our twins were babies. He pointed out to me he could work an extra hour or two and pay for 4 hours of cleaning or whatever it was. Since then we have always had cleaners and we are both happy with the arrangement.

@Traumdeuter

Unfortunately your husband is a twat.

Did he do housework before your pregnancy? I’m just curious.

Being a SAHM means you do the bulk of the grind when he is at work. When he’s not at work, it needs to be equal. It doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you at all.

He didn’t actually do much prior to us having kids but it was like an agreement that if we had them, he had to start pulling his weight around the house. Clearly never happened but because he’s done a few loads of washing he thinks everything’s ok now.

Have you worked before OP? Is there any industry that you could go back to is why I ask. Sometimes working to be 'just a tiny bit better off' is worth it for freedom/a sense of self/money and independence - plus a safety net. If you are still better off rather than minus then I would say consider this firstly.

Second, no you are not BU. He sounds like he's happy for you to do the grunt work with your child until such a time that the child interests him or he thinks it'll be 'easier'.

How old is your child? I'd seriously consider a change in your set up before you ever consider having a 2nd (if that was a potential)

@LabelMaker

To control the op. ah I see.

If you leave him OP there will be less housework to do.

This made me laugh haha very true!!! Less housework sounds bloody ideal!!!

What will happen when DC turns 3 and gets their funded nursery hours? How would you like to use that time for yourself? Work? Study? Set up your own business?

Just seen your updates.

OP, time and time again we see a situation where the man:

• says he will do half then doesn't
• encourages the woman not to work, they then lose out on a career and a better pension etc, security, and end up worse off if they split later on
• expects the woman to be grateful for what he deigns to do

Childcare will soon cost less for your DC who is a year off 3, if you go to work you'll get the 30 hours free (works out like 21/22 hours non term time). Also start doing your own thing on a weekend twice a month. Let him deal!

He didn’t actually do much prior to us having kids but it was like an agreement that if we had them, he had to start pulling his weight around the house. Clearly never happened but because he’s done a few loads of washing he thinks everything’s ok now.

Oh dear. In hindsight, I don’t think “you do fuck all now, so when we make a life-changing and irreversible decision to make a lot more mess and have a lot more responsibility, you’ll step up, yes?” was wise. But that doesn’t help now. I’m sorry.

You have two options: tell him to shape up, or move out.

@WhyIsEverythingSoHard

I’d remind him that if you were separated 1- he would have his dc EOW and half of the school hols. At the moment he is nit even doing that 2- he would still need to support his dc (maintenance for his child) 3- you would have LESS to do because, even though you would be looking after dc the same WHEN THEY ARE WITH YOU, you would have to look after him too. Aka wash his stuff, iron, clean after him etc…..

And that’s even before the fact he seems to be happy to actually acknowledge he is doing fuck all but that’s ok because you would do it anyway if you were divorced???

If I was you, I’d go back to work so you have something to fall back into.
Remember your dc is 2yo. Very soon they will go to nursery/school so the cost of childcare will be different.

And then I would start going out at the weekend and leaving said child with their dad for the day. Up to him to deal with the tantrums etc… it’s about time he learns anyway.

There's a few incorrect or debatable points there.

1. He wouldn't have to have the child round every other weekend or during school holidays. That would be his choice.
2. True but he's already supporting a child AND a wife. So overall his contribution would probably be lower.
3. This relies on him deciding to take the child regularly. And OP would probably have to get a job which would eat up her new "free" time.

Honestly, becoming a single mother isn't always a great solution. It might solve some problems but usually creates others. Even a man who is doing "nothing" with his child isn't really doing nothing at all.

I'm not saying the OP should just put up with the status quo but she should be aware of the pros and cons that separation might bring.

@gonnascreamsoon

You're effectively your husbands Mother !

YOU do everything, but HE still gets to act like he's living with his parents ffs !

This would give me the serious 'ick', because there's ZERO attraction to a 'child' !

You need to consider this....

If you left him, your life would actually be EASIER, because it's a LOT LESS work to clean/cook/do laundry for yourself + one kid. (Even when you get back into working, with him, you'll STILL be doing everything !)

However, HIS life would be 100% HARDER, because he'd have to clean/cook/do laundry/ pay bills/ shop/ run errands etc for HIMSELF ! He'll ALSO have to 'parent' ALONE when he has child access (At least EOW + half the school hols !) So YOU'LL BENEFIT by having FREE TIME to do as you please !

But, whichever you end up doing, HE'LL STILL have to support your child financially !

You can always show him exactly WHAT living without you 'working' for HIM looks like, by stopping doing ANYTHING for HIM. So, NO laundry, NO shopping, NO cooking, NO cleaning etc unless it's for either you or your DC. No paying his bills/ running errands etc that he 'can't' do because of 'work' etc !

I very much feel like his mother. I pick up after him 24/7. Clothes on the floor. Cans, food packets left everywhere. I must say he does the bins (HA) and whenever I’ve done them in the past due to him not being here, he laughs and says, wow you don’t need me at all. It’s like, he acknowledges I do everything but then thinks he can’t do anymore than he’s doing at the moment? But he does nothing at the moment! Anything would be considered help lol

He doesn't want you to get a job because then he can't use working full time as his excuse to be a lazy arse at home.

You say you won't be any better off if you work but you won't be any worse off and this time next year you'll be entitled to 30 funded childcare hours if you're working.

Also, if you're out working there'll be less mess to clear up etc so you don't need to worry about not having time for that kind of thing.

@Cocobeau

It sounds like he doesn't really want to be a dad

That’s what’s mad! He really wanted kids. It was me who was on the fence. Luckily I’m a friggin awesome mum and just an all round hoot with my son haha but my husband is lucky, what happens if I was rubbish? Would be just continue to be a Mediocre parent? So strange!

@sweetbellyhigh

I feel as though I read this thread regularly. Sooo many women in such miserable relationships with men who are piss poor husbands and fathers.

He won't change so if you want change it'll be you who has to do it.

You need to go back to work and get reacquainted with being respected, earning and getting more perspective on your situation.

Your toddler will grow up soon and you need to stay strong and be able to provide for them because they only really have you in their team.

It sounds bleak and I do feel for you. Making the decision is the worst part, once you make the move everything gets better.

Thank you for this, it’s really put a lot of things into perspective.

The problem with saying "I decided to be a SAHP because the nursery fees eat up all my earnings so the family isn't better off" is that it leaves you with years out of the workforce, missing years of NI contributions (or do you get them if you claim child benefit?) and, as in your case, the non SAHP often thinks all they have to do is go to work and then switch off completely.

That is why, even if there is no gain in net income, it is better not to stay at home too long. Unless you have a watertight agreement that the one who is earning gives you equal access to cash, pais into a private pension etc etc.

So, OP what you need to decide is how do you want your life to look going forward? I think if you leave 50/50 is unlikely since your partner has successfully stayed out of your DCs life. But clearly you need to do something so you need to think about what you want for your life and your DCs live and then start doing it.

@BeeDavis

Whatever you do, don’t have another child with this man. And get a job, regardless of what he says.

I’d love another but I’m definitely not doing it! He’s said he wanted another one but it would never happen. My eyes have been open over these last two years. I wouldn’t dare repeat it.

@BeanyBops

I think you need to ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship (other than financial support, which you would still get if you left) and also what you think this relationship is teaching your child about healthy relationships.

Exactly! Like I don’t want my child to see their mum being a skivvy, struggling everyday. I want them to see a successful caring individual who fought for a better life for us both.

My ex was the driving factor behind us having children too but didn't really seem overly bothered once they were here. If you do leave don't assume that you will get a break EOW and school hols as you can't force someone to be more involved than they want to be and he is already showing his motivation there.

That being said, it will still be easier. Less housework, less washing and less atmosphere. I personally felt I could cope with anything once I wasn't living in that environment any more.

@ittakes2

I think there is a middle ground - use the extra money he is making to pay for a cleaner / baby sitter. My husband and I had that help around the house discussion when our twins were babies. He pointed out to me he could work an extra hour or two and pay for 4 hours of cleaning or whatever it was. Since then we have always had cleaners and we are both happy with the arrangement.

A cleaner could help, but I think it’s gone so much further than that. He’s shown me that he doesn’t care enough for me or his son to really step up and help us where needed.

I'd be going back to work. Yes, you as a family may not be better off financially, but you would be better off by getting back on the career ladder, and your DH would no longer have an excuse to dodge childcare and housework. He'd be responsible for half of both.

@GalactatingGoddess

Have you worked before OP? Is there any industry that you could go back to is why I ask. Sometimes working to be 'just a tiny bit better off' is worth it for freedom/a sense of self/money and independence - plus a safety net. If you are still better off rather than minus then I would say consider this firstly.

Second, no you are not BU. He sounds like he's happy for you to do the grunt work with your child until such a time that the child interests him or he thinks it'll be 'easier'.

How old is your child? I'd seriously consider a change in your set up before you ever consider having a 2nd (if that was a potential)

I have yeah. I work in TV/film and in a small sector within it so I’m definitely sort after (not to blow my own trumpet) I could definitely go back. I started looking after work the other week and there’s roles out there for me. My kid is 2 and I don’t think I’ll ever have anymore lol not after this all.

My DH used to talk about my ‘days off’ because I work part time. It dawned on me after a while that I never got a day off. My days off were just more work but unpaid and unnoticed. His attitude became really clear at the point. He doesn’t notice it value all the stuff that needs doing to keep things ticking over. I sent him articles about ‘mental load’ and eventually that sunk in. It’s a process but it’s getting more fair.

@Nicholethejewellery I appreciate the honesty! I do worry he wouldn’t have him every over week (work is number 1) also, I know it’s going to be super hard but as others have mentioned, I’m not getting NI contributions nor pension contributions and whilst I love spending time with my child, I have no money. Nothing behind me. I squirrel away what I can but I struggle now financially. If I worked and potentially ‘ex husband’ paid child support I think I’d be better off. Plus, I haven’t just given it a few weeks, it’s been 2 years of me just doing everything. He honestly does nothing with regard to chores (apart from recently) but he doesn’t do that much with our son either. This life sucks and my other option, being a single parent is not how I envisioned my life going but I feel like I have no choice? Stay and be unhappy or leave and finally call the shots?

@Brefugee

The problem with saying "I decided to be a SAHP because the nursery fees eat up all my earnings so the family isn't better off" is that it leaves you with years out of the workforce, missing years of NI contributions (or do you get them if you claim child benefit?) and, as in your case, the non SAHP often thinks all they have to do is go to work and then switch off completely.

That is why, even if there is no gain in net income, it is better not to stay at home too long. Unless you have a watertight agreement that the one who is earning gives you equal access to cash, pais into a private pension etc etc.

So, OP what you need to decide is how do you want your life to look going forward? I think if you leave 50/50 is unlikely since your partner has successfully stayed out of your DCs life. But clearly you need to do something so you need to think about what you want for your life and your DCs live and then start doing it.

This has been an eye opener and really has helped give me food for thought. Thank you. I didn’t even really consider pension pots or NI contributions etc. I don’t get child benefit so I don’t know if you get it that way.

Do not have another child whatever you do

Go back to work - others have touched on why saying it's not "worth" working is a false economy/equivalence - I agree. Being a SAHM is a dream scenario IF there are no financial problems and IF the husband genuinely sees your contribution as equal and IF he doesn't expect a 24/7 skivvy. That's a lot of ifs. They often don't play out well.

OP if you don't work snd pay NI and don't get child benefit, you won't get a state pension. You need to protect yourself, ASAP

I keep saying I want to get a job, I was fairly successful prior to pregnancy but he keeps saying I shouldn’t and I’d be worse off and more stressed.

If you want to get a job, do it. Point out that you'll have half as much childcare and half as much housework (because he'll be doing it... or at least paying/organising for it to be outsourced), so you'll be less stressed!

The reason he doesn't want you to go back to work is because he simply doesn't want to do any chores. He's happy with his life (working and no chores), and doesn't intend to do anything to change it. Which means the change will need to be initiated by you.

If he really thinks the family's lives will become more stressed as a result of having both parents working, he can go PT.