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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I asking too much from my husband?

127 replies

Nosleepingclub · 23/03/2022 14:16

Ok, this is a long one and i’d like opinions on whether or not I’m asking too much from my husband? Please be gentle, I’m genuinely second guessing myself and unsure if I’m being crazy/demanding for wanting more help from him.

I’m a SAHM with a 2 year old and my husband supports us all financially because putting our toddler into childcare didn’t make financial sense (we’d barely be better off if I worked a job full time).

Since the day our child was born he’s not really helped me with childcare or around the house. I had a pretty horrific birth along with infection afterwards but that made no difference. I had a pretty horrific pregnancy too (HG) and he said that because I had been so ill for so long and he had to take care of me during pregnancy, it was taking a toll on him. I can understand it was hard for him, but it was for me too but I was completely incapacitated since I got pregnant until 6 months after birth and still had to look after my baby and the house.

Fast forward two years on. He’s only just started (this week) helping around the house (he did some laundry, he may load and unload the dishwasher from time to time but won’t clean floors, hoover, change bedding along with anything else) and the only reason he’s doing it is because I have begged for help for two solid years.

At the weekends he rarely takes our child out and if he does it’s always to a food shop (Tesco etc) or a shopping centre because he says it’s easier for him to look after him there. Rarely takes him to a outdoor park and has never been to a group or soft play with him. If he could stick on a Disney film all day and let him watch it, he would. He sits on his phone a lot too.

Our kid loves him (obviously) dad is lots of fun running about the house and playing, he does interact with our kid but if the inevitable tantrum arises he’s stuck and I have to intervene or if I’m showering and my toddler wants me, they just stand out side the shower whilst they scream and my husband holds them.

I feel like I’m on the job 24/7. My husband takes extra work - not because we need the money, I think just to get away. I’ve asked him not too, but he still does.

His job is very much his passion (it’s a very exciting, fun industry and he admits he’s lucky to do a job he adores) but he makes out he’s slogging it all day long (I can assure you he’s not. Maybe once in a blue moon does he have a ‘physical’ day at work!)

I would just like more help around the house, for him to make more effort with our kid. He says stuff like ‘I can’t wait till they’re older And they have the same interests in me’ or ‘I can’t wait until they’re older until I can do xyz with them’. He says it because he wants to do fun stuff again (going to movies, theme parks, computer games) but I’ve said, what happens if they want to do ballet? Or football? Things my husbands not interested in. What will happen then? Will I be expected to do everything with them because dads not interested? (which I do not mind at all, but I feel my husbands life hasn’t changed much but mine has)

I used this example for him and said:

If we spilt up and I took our kid, I’d work full time but also look after them full time (after they come home from nursery) (he says he couldn’t have them full time because of work And he said he’d never do pick ups and drop offs due to work and I’d have to sort that out myself) and do all my own chores and life admin etc - exactly as I’m doing now - nothing will change for me but also, nothing would change for him. He’d go to work, do his own thing and come home. I feel like we’re not a family.

He says he’s not at the pub every night, which I know, he works late (finishes at 6:30 but travels for hours and gets home at 8pm) and he’s just working to support us and just drives to and from
Work and I expect too much from him and there’s really no other thing or help he can give me.

I should mention, he gets lie ins whenever he can, whenever he has a day off work, you can bet he has a lie in. The only time I get a lie in is if he says ‘you stay in bed’. It’s never the other way round, he just always expects me to be on call for our son, even when he’s home.

I am asking too much from him?

YABU - he’s supporting you. Be thankful and accept all the work you have

YANBU - he’s not pulling his weight, he could do more.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 23/03/2022 15:52

I don’t say this lightly but you need to go back to work, and you need to go full time. Being a SAHM needs a huge amount of trust, and it doesn’t mean you’re the skivvy of the house.

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 23/03/2022 15:53

Yes you do get years on your state pension through child benefit. You should ALWAYS claim child benefit even if you don’t get the money (eg your DH earns over the threshold)

LannieDuck · 23/03/2022 15:57

[quote Nosleepingclub]@Nicholethejewellery I appreciate the honesty! I do worry he wouldn’t have him every over week (work is number 1) also, I know it’s going to be super hard but as others have mentioned, I’m not getting NI contributions nor pension contributions and whilst I love spending time with my child, I have no money. Nothing behind me. I squirrel away what I can but I struggle now financially. If I worked and potentially ‘ex husband’ paid child support I think I’d be better off. Plus, I haven’t just given it a few weeks, it’s been 2 years of me just doing everything. He honestly does nothing with regard to chores (apart from recently) but he doesn’t do that much with our son either. This life sucks and my other option, being a single parent is not how I envisioned my life going but I feel like I have no choice? Stay and be unhappy or leave and finally call the shots?[/quote]
I have no money. Nothing behind me. I squirrel away what I can but I struggle now financially

Do you not have shared finances?

spacehardware · 23/03/2022 15:57

Of course they don't.

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 23/03/2022 15:58

@Nicholethejewellery yes of course. He might show his truer colours of being a great dad like his own dad by not seeing his child at all….

But the starting point should be that. That’s really the minimum he should do FOR HIS CHILD. And I’d hope that, of his dad was nearly as good as he said he was, he would be horrified to see his own ds abandoning his child because you know work blablabla.

Reality though is that even if the OP a was having her child all to herself, she still wouldn’t do as much as she is now. As I said, she would t do his washing, cleaning, tidying up after him etc.. and she wouldn’t waste energy being resentful at his total lack of engagement in family life.

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 23/03/2022 15:59

@Nosleepingclub before you do anything, get a job!

girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 16:04

I didn’t even really consider pension pots or NI contributions etc. I don’t get child benefit so I don’t know if you get it that way.

If you sent off the forms and just ticked the 'don't pay me' box you'll still get your NI contributions

DaisyDeli · 23/03/2022 16:06

Sick of reading about these usless husbands / fathers.

OP, go back to work ASAP. Full time. He will have to pay half of the cost (or a % depending on both your wages).

Brefugee · 23/03/2022 16:16

I really really wish it was part of the curriculum: what happens to you if you are a SAHP and what you should put in place before you agree to it

OP i saw your updates, it sounds as though you'd be ok for work if you started looking, which is great. And you've only been out of the job market for a short while which makes it much easier.

But really, please look out for yourself, financially as much as anything else.

TheAgeOfAquarius · 23/03/2022 16:20

I was in you position 6 years ago OP, I left and haven't looked back. Ex does see DD regularly (when his work schedule allows) but if he has a better offer then obviously his time with her is optional. Even with him pissing about with contact, I was better off financially, less stressed, the resentment was gone. Our home was a happy place again. He plays Disney dad to DD so she is happy enough to see him on his time but she is also happy to stay with me for 'bonus' time when he flakes. Single parenting isn't easy but it's a damn sight easier than being with someone but doing it all yourself anyway.

HikingforScenery · 23/03/2022 16:27

If you’re not working, I don’t think it’s your place to tell him how much he should or shouldn’t take on.
If you’ve one 2year old, I’d expect the bulk of the house chores to be completed by you but yes, he should do his share when he’s at home.

Don’t control what he should do with his child. Playgroups are usually on weekdays so if he’s working then, I don’t think it’s strange that he’s never taken your DC. Same as soft play centres, mine didn’t go until they could enjoy it properly.I saw them as germ-ridden places do the play had to be worth it.

Your DC is 2 so you should probably start looking at finding a job. That might help with things.

thenewduchessoflapland · 23/03/2022 16:32

@FlickyCrumble

Get a job, get independent then re-evaluate your situation. Being barely better off using childcare is still better off. Even if he only had his dc for 4 hours a week it will be your 4 hours.

I've a feeling if the OP returned to work she'd be expected to do all nursery runs and still do all the housework,cooking,carrying the mental load etc and the only thing that will change is that the OP will be carrying on as she is now whilst shoe horning in hours at work.

WizardOfAus · 23/03/2022 16:54

The resentment has set in.
It's time to go.
You might not go now.... but you will, eventually.
And you will be better for it.

Original poster
Nosleepingclub · 23/03/2022 17:22

@girlmom21

I didn’t even really consider pension pots or NI contributions etc. I don’t get child benefit so I don’t know if you get it that way.

If you sent off the forms and just ticked the 'don't pay me' box you'll still get your NI contributions

I didn’t know this! I looked into all when I have PND and was still healing! Clearly didn’t have the right head for it! Will get that sorted now!
OP posts:
Original poster
Nosleepingclub · 23/03/2022 17:30

@HikingforScenery

If you’re not working, I don’t think it’s your place to tell him how much he should or shouldn’t take on. If you’ve one 2year old, I’d expect the bulk of the house chores to be completed by you but yes, he should do his share when he’s at home.

Don’t control what he should do with his child. Playgroups are usually on weekdays so if he’s working then, I don’t think it’s strange that he’s never taken your DC. Same as soft play centres, mine didn’t go until they could enjoy it properly.I saw them as germ-ridden places do the play had to be worth it.

Your DC is 2 so you should probably start looking at finding a job. That might help with things.

I do everything. Every thing. Have done for nearly 6 years but he promised when we had children (which he wanted desperately) he’d start doing 50/50. I don’t tell him how to play or spend time with our child, but I do think sticking the tv on everytime, or bringing him to supermarkets or shopping centres a bit…well boring and lazy. Our kid loves soft play now and has done for ages, he’d happily go every day if possible. I don’t know what it’s like where you live, but around us, there are several toddler groups, toddler themed activities round, we’re very lucky in that sense.

I’m definitely going to get a job but he’s told me constantly not to get one as it wouldn’t benefit the family and I’d be more stressed because I’d have to do all childcare, all pick ups and drops off and all housework. That can’t be fair

OP posts:
Original poster
Nosleepingclub · 23/03/2022 17:32

@thenewduchessoflapland you’re right. He’s said he won’t do any pick ups or drop offs at nursery or school because of work and he’s says that’s why I’ll be even more stressed because I’d be working, doing all the housework and doing all childcare still. He acknowledges I’ll be stressed because it’s a lot of work but refuses to help or do something to assist. It’s odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nosleepingclub · 23/03/2022 17:34

I really I feel like an idiot that I’m missed so much about child benefit and getting NI contributions! At least this thread has opened my eyes to that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nosleepingclub · 23/03/2022 17:35

@LannieDuck he gives me an allowance each week. But for nearly 14 months I wasn’t given anything. All food shopping comes out of my account so anything he gave me went on food.

OP posts:
spacehardware · 23/03/2022 17:37

He's not being fair to you OP, but he's not interested in being fair. You're the housekeeper/nanny who he shags.

Shrekles20 · 23/03/2022 17:37

Yanbu I think you do need to get a job even just part time so you’re doing something for yourself. While you’re at home not working the majority of domestic work / childcare will fall on your shoulders but weekends should be split fairly regardless so you both get a chance for a lie in and a rest.

He sounds like he needs a good kick up the backside.

Original poster
Nosleepingclub · 23/03/2022 17:41

@Pumperthepumper

I don’t say this lightly but you need to go back to work, and you need to go full time. Being a SAHM needs a huge amount of trust, and it doesn’t mean you’re the skivvy of the house.
You’re right and I think the trust isn’t there anymore. I should’ve mentioned he left last year and walked out after I found messages to other women. I stayed because I was scared. What an idiot.
OP posts:
spacehardware · 23/03/2022 17:41

Out of interest why were you doing everything domestic before you had children, when you were both working?

cornflakedreams · 23/03/2022 17:42

I’m definitely going to get a job but he’s told me constantly not to get one as it wouldn’t benefit the family and I’d be more stressed because I’d have to do all childcare, all pick ups and drops off and all housework.

Like I said, controlling. He's abusing you.

Please leave him.

And consider doing the Freedom Programme to put his behaviour in perspective.

Original poster
Nosleepingclub · 23/03/2022 17:42

@TheAgeOfAquarius

I was in you position 6 years ago OP, I left and haven't looked back. Ex does see DD regularly (when his work schedule allows) but if he has a better offer then obviously his time with her is optional. Even with him pissing about with contact, I was better off financially, less stressed, the resentment was gone. Our home was a happy place again. He plays Disney dad to DD so she is happy enough to see him on his time but she is also happy to stay with me for 'bonus' time when he flakes. Single parenting isn't easy but it's a damn sight easier than being with someone but doing it all yourself anyway.
Feel like this is a very similar situation! You did amazing to leave. Was it hard in the beginning?
OP posts:
spacehardware · 23/03/2022 17:43

"should’ve mentioned he left last year and walked out after I found messages to other women."

Oh OP

seriously just leave. I left a husband like this, ten years later I'm married to the most dreamy man. And hilariously, the ex has reinvented himself as a devoted father now he doesn't have me to act as manager