Am I asking too much from my husband?

[Nosleepingclub]

Ok, this is a long one and i’d like opinions on whether or not I’m asking too much from my husband? Please be gentle, I’m genuinely second guessing myself and unsure if I’m being crazy/demanding for wanting more help from him.

I’m a SAHM with a 2 year old and my husband supports us all financially because putting our toddler into childcare didn’t make financial sense (we’d barely be better off if I worked a job full time).

Since the day our child was born he’s not really helped me with childcare or around the house. I had a pretty horrific birth along with infection afterwards but that made no difference. I had a pretty horrific pregnancy too (HG) and he said that because I had been so ill for so long and he had to take care of me during pregnancy, it was taking a toll on him. I can understand it was hard for him, but it was for me too but I was completely incapacitated since I got pregnant until 6 months after birth and still had to look after my baby and the house.

Fast forward two years on. He’s only just started (this week) helping around the house (he did some laundry, he may load and unload the dishwasher from time to time but won’t clean floors, hoover, change bedding along with anything else) and the only reason he’s doing it is because I have begged for help for two solid years.

At the weekends he rarely takes our child out and if he does it’s always to a food shop (Tesco etc) or a shopping centre because he says it’s easier for him to look after him there. Rarely takes him to a outdoor park and has never been to a group or soft play with him. If he could stick on a Disney film all day and let him watch it, he would. He sits on his phone a lot too.

Our kid loves him (obviously) dad is lots of fun running about the house and playing, he does interact with our kid but if the inevitable tantrum arises he’s stuck and I have to intervene or if I’m showering and my toddler wants me, they just stand out side the shower whilst they scream and my husband holds them.

I feel like I’m on the job 24/7. My husband takes extra work - not because we need the money, I think just to get away. I’ve asked him not too, but he still does.

His job is very much his passion (it’s a very exciting, fun industry and he admits he’s lucky to do a job he adores) but he makes out he’s slogging it all day long (I can assure you he’s not. Maybe once in a blue moon does he have a ‘physical’ day at work!)

I would just like more help around the house, for him to make more effort with our kid. He says stuff like ‘I can’t wait till they’re older And they have the same interests in me’ or ‘I can’t wait until they’re older until I can do xyz with them’. He says it because he wants to do fun stuff again (going to movies, theme parks, computer games) but I’ve said, what happens if they want to do ballet? Or football? Things my husbands not interested in. What will happen then? Will I be expected to do everything with them because dads not interested? (which I do not mind at all, but I feel my husbands life hasn’t changed much but mine has)

I used this example for him and said:

If we spilt up and I took our kid, I’d work full time but also look after them full time (after they come home from nursery) (he says he couldn’t have them full time because of work And he said he’d never do pick ups and drop offs due to work and I’d have to sort that out myself) and do all my own chores and life admin etc - exactly as I’m doing now - nothing will change for me but also, nothing would change for him. He’d go to work, do his own thing and come home. I feel like we’re not a family.

He says he’s not at the pub every night, which I know, he works late (finishes at 6:30 but travels for hours and gets home at 8pm) and he’s just working to support us and just drives to and from
Work and I expect too much from him and there’s really no other thing or help he can give me.

I should mention, he gets lie ins whenever he can, whenever he has a day off work, you can bet he has a lie in. The only time I get a lie in is if he says ‘you stay in bed’. It’s never the other way round, he just always expects me to be on call for our son, even when he’s home.

I am asking too much from him?

YABU - he’s supporting you. Be thankful and accept all the work you have

YANBU - he’s not pulling his weight, he could do more.

OP YANBU!! Far from it.

Only you know your relationship, and whether it's worth trying counselling together if he'd be open to that? Sounds like you've tried everything else to get your needs met in the relationship, and been incredibly forgiving and patient.

It also sounds as though you're an amazing mum, and you've been a supportive and loyal partner to someone who sadly isn't stepping up for you in return.

I really feel for you if you truly love him, but hopefully you'll love and respect yourself more and do what's right for yourself and your DC for the long term.

Sounds like getting back the job you love, and being around other people for some healthy perspective and self respect alone, would do you and your DC wonders.

Your husband has been very clear about what he's prepared to offer in the relationship, and if there's no hope of him changing (which sounds very unlikely) then you need to decide if that's enough for you. Whatever you decide, you deserve love, respect, fidelity, and a life you can be proud to share with your DC. I wish you the very best whatever you decide, and hope you're happy in your new job

Oh dear, he doesn't want to be a Dad, he wants you to be in a homemaker/mothering role and mostly for him.

The groping/grabbing is a classic sign of controlling behaviour. You are his possession.

Perhaps have a look at the attached and see if it rings any bells.

@sabretoothtigger

It's a nice idea but this man will not make any progress in counselling. Counselling with an abuser just gives them another opportunity to abuse.

Besides, clients have to be fully invested in order to progress, it won't happen unless he suddenly sees the light and wants to make big changes.

Why's it always men who can't really afford to be a sole earner who insist that it's better if their wife doesn't go back to work because of childcare costs?

I think I know the answer actually. It's because they don't want her to out-earn and emasculate them after a 9 month career break and while generally balancing most of their home lives too, isn't it?

@girlmom21

Why's it always men who can't really afford to be a sole earner who insist that it's better if their wife doesn't go back to work because of childcare costs?

I think I know the answer actually. It's because they don't want her to out-earn and emasculate them after a 9 month career break and while generally balancing most of their home lives too, isn't it?

And can you imagine a mother saying, oh drop offs and pick ups are not an option, or assuming the father would get up to the child, or assuming he'll do all the housework?

@girlmom21

Why's it always men who can't really afford to be a sole earner who insist that it's better if their wife doesn't go back to work because of childcare costs?

I think I know the answer actually. It's because they don't want her to out-earn and emasculate them after a 9 month career break and while generally balancing most of their home lives too, isn't it?

I absolutely think this is correct.

This is not a good man.

He never had a notion of sharing the parenting load.

He wanted the OP caught and unfortunately he fell for it.

When they do Fxxk all before children arrive it is overwhelmingly unlikely they will change.

@sweetbellyhigh from what the OP has said, I sincerely doubt he'd be open to counselling in the first place (unless they start offering it at the local supermarket maybe) or make any progress, but if the OP doesn't expect anything to change, and then nothing changes, what's lost?

And sometimes we need to know we've done everything we possibly can before leaving a marriage, even if we already know it's the best decision for everyone involved.

Also, if a partner is presented with the choice of counselling or a split, and they refuse counselling, then the split becomes a mutual decision.

Every relationship and situation is different.

With both of you working, you would still have to do all of the child related chores? Some people slip into their parents roles when they have kids without thinking. But if you ask him to give you an explanation about why he can't do his own share of pick ups and drop offs and sick days for his own child...the answer is going to be because you're a woman.

I dont think there is much hope here OP,you need to leave

If you can’t see the connection between OPs situation and my few words then I despair for the next few generations. I think you need to see that the OP is right, her DH thinks he’s right.
Arguing about the details is like debating which side of the Titanic will sink first.
Each party has diametrically opposed views, each party is convinced they’re right.
He’s a financial provided. She’s a Mother.
She wants support. He wants his pre baby wife back. She wants a completely changed husband from the man she married. He’s not aware of the change of his role, just that his wife seems to have moved her goalposts. Most husbands never understand this new guessing game is central to their restructured marriage. Restructured by their wife without consultation or explanation.
Marriage seems to be a complete confusion of misunderstandings between the Wife and the Husband. Each have totally different agenda.
So I’m not a bit surprised by any of this. What’s scary is that all you lovely ppl are AMAZED!

[quote sabretoothtigger]@sweetbellyhigh from what the OP has said, I sincerely doubt he'd be open to counselling in the first place (unless they start offering it at the local supermarket maybe) or make any progress, but if the OP doesn't expect anything to change, and then nothing changes, what's lost?

And sometimes we need to know we've done everything we possibly can before leaving a marriage, even if we already know it's the best decision for everyone involved.

Also, if a partner is presented with the choice of counselling or a split, and they refuse counselling, then the split becomes a mutual decision.

Every relationship and situation is different.[/quote]
What is lost?

Time
Energy
Money
Plus the risk of being further abused in counselling. Without a doubt he will lie, manipulate, gas light.

That's why counselling with an abuser is not a good plan , not just my take on it, it's the widely held view.

He wants his pre baby wife back. She wants a completely changed husband from the man she married. He’s not aware of the change of his role, just that his wife seems to have moved her goalposts.

She hasn't moved her goalposts. Their responsibilities have changed. She's given up her career for their child. She's given up her body for their child. She's given up any kind of financial independence because he's told her to.

He doesn't get his pre-baby wife back. She doesn't exist anymore.

Growing up isn't moving goalposts.

"Restructured by their wife without consultation or explanation"

Er he pushed for her to have a baby and be a SAHM

could you stop projecting your MRA copy and paste nonsense? It's irrelevant to this thread

[quote Nosleepingclub]@LannieDuck he gives me an allowance each week. But for nearly 14 months I wasn’t given anything. All food shopping comes out of my account so anything he gave me went on food.[/quote]
This sounds a bit like financial abuse.

You might be better off financially if you split - you might be entitled to UC and subsidised childcare, you'll get at least half the marital assets and your husband will have to pay child maintenance.

Can we all ignore the very obvious twat arse on the thread and support the OP?

OP:

He cheats (at least emotionally)
He financially abuses you
He is a shit dad
He does no housework
He wants you disempowered and weak

Which bits do you love? Or is it just trauma bonding?

I married and divorced thank God a man in the entertainment business and it's a very very common theme. They meet their cool, edgy wife somewhere cool and edgy. But they want a nice, safe home to pop back to for a rest. So they marry and knock up the cool, edgy wife. Lo and behold they then resent that their safe home isn't also super cool and edgy whenever they want. Their wife and mother of their children is all wifey and motherly. So they prioritise their job, don't do any of the pathetic house work or child-rearing and meet more cool, edgy women at work, who are 10-20 years younger. Rinse and repeat until the musical chairs stop and they are too old and sad and they keep the last woman to fall for it. Also cocaine, or maybe that was just mine.

I had that with exh - “I’ll do as much as I decide I can manage (spoiler - it wasn’t a lot childcare wise!), and you have to do whatever is left, regardless of how much or how unmanageable that amount is”

I was also working full time!

I don’t understand why you don’t spend time together as a family? Days out etc. It all sounds very separate and not much enjoyment all round

Luckily I’m a friggin awesome mum and just an all round hoot with my son haha

Selfish selfish man and he should and could make an effort to get home earlier some days and should be taking your child out to the park etc but not for a food shop, hardly fun for a toddler. You need to put your foot down and set boundaries as he has gotten away with it all for far too long. You deserve a lay in one day at the weekend also and for him to sort things out while you do so. I think maybe even a part time job so you can slowly get back into things and will give you some confidence back. He is acting like he is all that matters and some men get really jealous of a new baby and feel like they are not the center of attention. Talk to him and tell him that things have to change now and taking your child into you when you are trying to have a shower is ridiculous. Can he not distract or play with his child for a short time without bothering you. This will build resentment in your relationship so talk to him now and have a good think about your relationship and if things do not change how much are you willing to put up with.

"Also cocaine, or maybe that was just mine."

Lol snap

Just read that he was messaging other women..He would be long gone by now as he sounds like he just puts himself and his needs first. He is not going to change and he has shown you who he really is now when you need his support the most.

@girlmom21

Why's it always men who can't really afford to be a sole earner who insist that it's better if their wife doesn't go back to work because of childcare costs?

I think I know the answer actually. It's because they don't want her to out-earn and emasculate them after a 9 month career break and while generally balancing most of their home lives too, isn't it?

From a purely financial point of view unless the other is a higher earner the costs of childcare, transport etc usually swallow up the other salary. So it looks on paper to be a poor financial decision. However the qualitative benefits such as maintaining professional competence, sociability etc, also need to be taken into account.

Both parties have to weigh these parts up when having a child.

So I'm not so sure on your emasculation theory.
Sorry, it doesn't make any sense.

"From a purely financial point of view unless the other is a higher earner the costs of childcare, transport etc usually swallow up the other salary"

These costs can add up to a lot - although I'd imagine most professional women are clearing more than a grand a month?? - but it's temporary. Plus, earning power generally increases. When I went back to work after my first child I was only "clearing" about £400 a month after childcare etc. But 15 years later I earn three times as much as I did then.

@Nosleepingclub

I really I feel like an idiot that I’m missed so much about child benefit and getting NI contributions! At least this thread has opened my eyes to that!

Was going to say, I was in exactly the same boat re child benefit - didn't really think i could get it but luckily found out from MN just in time to claim it for the NI contributions - so definitely do that!

Your dp sounds like a shit dad. Only you can judge if you think that's ever changeable. If i was being charitable I'd say the first year or two of parenthood can be a bit frightening and the relentlessness of it can be depressing - so maybe now you've done all the hard work to let him through that with the least inconvenience to him, he might be able to change his attitude?

Sounds like a manchild though - sorry

I'm sorry OP. I really hope you do leave him. I have been in relationships like this and they never get better, only worse. Grateful to be single now and have read about good relationships on here and what we could and should expect from men and and happy to wait until I get that! Better to be the love of your own life than a skivvy for some lazy man child.

Read threads like this for inspiration www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3843471-Who-has-a-good-husband

Good luck xx

@spacehardware

"From a purely financial point of view unless the other is a higher earner the costs of childcare, transport etc usually swallow up the other salary"

These costs can add up to a lot - although I'd imagine most professional women are clearing more than a grand a month?? - but it's temporary. Plus, earning power generally increases. When I went back to work after my first child I was only "clearing" about £400 a month after childcare etc. But 15 years later I earn three times as much as I did then.

I think this is why the government needs to offer universal childcare, lowering the age limit. Waiting till 3 for up to 30 hrs doesn't make any sense from a policy point of view. Especially for women and working families.

Anyhow with updates, this husband sounds unloving, mechanical, and if he's messaging other women with sexual intent, he's also an untrustworthy cheating snake.