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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my son should be allowed access to a toilet at home time.

108 replies

wildchild554 · 23/03/2022 12:52

My son has special needs, he's 10 but has been estimated to being at the level of a 6 year old and has many issues including around personal care, memory issues and currently under diagnosis for autism. He's had a third new teacher in the last school year, the last one was there for one month I don't have an issue with this as things happen. The teacher he currently has, has rubbed me up the wrong way a few times before due to his intolerance with my other son who has been diagnosed with autism and the meltdowns he has due to sensory overload and anxisty so this may be having an impact in me trying to decide whether my gut instinct is unreasonable or not.

He's had them for the last 2 weeks and knows about my sons issues. My son goes to the toilet both breaktimes and lunch time and has been going at home time, to me this feels quite normal, its what I did as a kid and most people I know. He never goes during lesson time and will try and hold it in lessons if he needs it as he is scared to ask which has lead to accidents. The teacher came out and said he was not to go to the toilet at home time as he's slow, this is part of his issues he's slow with everything even forgets at times to wipe his bum as he struggles to process information. He said he asks every day at home time and he can't possibly need it every time at home time, as the last break would have been about an hour and half he probably does and what benefit is it to him to go to the toilet at home time other than to relieve himself. So as this new rule been put in place for him he will either be wetting himself on the way home coming out of school flaring up his eczema walking home like that or I will have to try and find a quiet area to pee in the street as there are no other toilet facilities around there. He is incapable of holding it and school know that. On a good day it takes 20-25 minutes to get home, on a bad day if my youngest sons meltdowns are severe can take 45 minutes to an hour. Before anyone suggests in case you haven't read the full post he is currently under peadiatrics to try and resolve his issues or at least find out what we are dealing with and school have all the information to hand as I provide them with copies of the reports. AIBU to think he should be allowed to use the toilet at home time?

OP posts:
MaudieandMe · 23/03/2022 13:01

No-one should EVER be prevented from going to the toilet just because it might briefly inconvenience another person.

I’d definitely tell the teacher that in this instance, you’ll have to over-rule his request and that DS will be using the toilet before leaving for home as you know your DS needs to use the toilet frequently due to his SN.

LabelMaker · 23/03/2022 13:07

Is the problem the supervision? Do you collect from school? Could you offer to supervise?

LabelMaker · 23/03/2022 13:07

Seems like the school need to think of a solution though tbh. You can't stop someone going to the loo, that's cruel.

Mumofsend · 23/03/2022 13:09

Think I'd find a school Bush for him to go in Angry

How ridiculous of them. In all seriousness, I would go above the teacher and speak to the head/senco.

Seleniummillenium · 23/03/2022 13:12

That’s awful. I would definitely complain.

Original poster
wildchild554 · 23/03/2022 13:14

@LabelMaker nothing to o with supervision, he can go to the toilet himself just sometimes if its a poo he forgets to wipe, he just takes him a bit longer to do it. In fact we aren't even the last on the playground when we leave so it isn''t even really holding anyone up. They wouldn't allow me to go in and supervise as they are still being cautious with covid except in exceptional circumstances like when I had to try and coax my youngest from under a table during a meltdown.

OP posts:
ohidoliketobe · 23/03/2022 13:15

Can you discuss with SENCO lead at the school?

StationaryMagpie · 23/03/2022 13:15

the teacher absolutely cannot tell your son he can't use the toilet at home time, no way, no how. i'd be speaking to him, the senco, and the HT about it, urgently.

Winday · 23/03/2022 13:16

YANBU. This is a really small way of allowing for your son's additional needs. No one should be prevented from using the toilet when they need to. Especially when they have ASN, and it's part of a routine they are used to.

My DD also needs to use the loo at home time. All her teachers are aware of it. I really don't think it's a big deal.

Mariposista · 23/03/2022 13:16

Of course, as an adult I always make sure I go before going anywhere. As long as he isn't taking forever in there, taking teachers' time away from supervising the other children, don't see the issue.

Original poster
wildchild554 · 23/03/2022 13:21

@Winday neither do I and tbh when I was a kid right through highschool I'd always need the toilet at hometime and I don't have special needs so must be worse for him.

OP posts:
incognitoforthisone · 23/03/2022 13:22

Good grief, if he's wetting himself on the way home he clearly needs to be able to use the toilet at school before he goes home, the poor lad. How rotten for him, and for you.

If you're picking him up from school, I can't see how it inconveniences anyone else for him to go for a wee at home time - it's not like nobody can else can leave the playground until he emerges, is it? I think you definitely need to address this with the school and explain that not being able to use the loo at home time means he's regularly wetting himself before he gets home and that this isn't acceptable. If it wasn't a problem for his previous teachers then it shouldn't be a problem for his current one.

Newmama29 · 23/03/2022 13:22

Why are teachers so hellbent on gatekeeping toilets?

Hospedia · 23/03/2022 13:22

Raise it with the SENCO and insist that, as a reasonable adjustment relating to his disability, he is allowed to go to the toilet at whatever time is ten minutes before hometime. That way he's still out the door on time, he avoids the sensory overload of everyone packing away and putting coats on as he'll be in the loo at that time, and he's not having an accident on the way home or having to wee out in public. Under equality and inclusion laws jt would be very difficult for the school to refuse if you phrase it as a reasonable adjustment.

Knittingnanny2 · 23/03/2022 13:32

Disgraceful attitude from a professional working with children. When I was teaching infants ( now retired) I never ever said no to a child who asked to go to the toilet. Probably stems from the shame I felt and can still remember, when I wet myself as an infant because the scary teacher said I wasn’t allowed to go.
Complain to the headteacher- and I rarely say that as most things can be resolved with the class teacher

pastapestoparmesan · 23/03/2022 13:33

Some teachers seem overly obsessed with toilets. I am a teacher btw. The kids I teach can go whenever they need to, no drama whatsoever. I’d say maybe 5 ask a day, max.
I agree that your son needs to go 5/10 mins before hometime., as a ‘reasonable adjustment’ if they feel the need to call it that. God knows why he can’t just go though.

2bazookas · 23/03/2022 13:36

Take this straight to the head teacher , in writing, name teacher and dates and quotes . End letter "I have every confidence you will correct this member of staff and would appreciate a written confirmation from you. ".

Karma1981 · 23/03/2022 13:40

This is disgusting, not letting a child have a toilet after school because he is slow! Wtf.
My youngest son is 7 has sen and if this was my child's school I wouldn't be happy at all.
Luckily my child's school is amazing and even if a child has no sen they would be allowing them toilet access esp after lessons!
Phone the schools SENCO ASAP!

Original poster
wildchild554 · 23/03/2022 13:46

@Karma1981it's not the school it's this one teacher who has been spoken to before about his attitude with my youngest and school have even overridden a ban the teacher placed on my youngest son because of his meltdown.

OP posts:
mum61 · 23/03/2022 13:53

@wildchild554
What is the reason the teacher gave for not allowing your son to use the toilet at home time?
Are other children allowed to use the toilet if they need to at home time ?

LabelMaker · 23/03/2022 13:57

They are being ridiculous then. I'd speak to the head.

Original poster
wildchild554 · 23/03/2022 14:00

@mum61 because apparently he's holding them up when everyone is already stood outside on the playground waiting to be picked up and getting picked up when he leaves and joins them to come straight to me which I don't see how it holds anyone up as there are still loads of kids there when we leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
wildchild554 · 23/03/2022 14:01

@mum61 and yes they are.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 23/03/2022 14:05

Maybe he should stand very close to her and piss on her shoes... I feel quite angry on your behalf op. I had this at dc's previous school.. We had a 40 min drive home and the dc needed to know the journey wasn't going to be a race home to get to the loo!

mum61 · 23/03/2022 14:08

@wildchild554
If other children are allowed to use the toilet at home time your son should be able to do so too.
If your son isn't the last child there when you leave he can't be holding them up.

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