AIBU to think my son should be allowed access to a toilet at home time.

[wildchild554]

My son has special needs, he's 10 but has been estimated to being at the level of a 6 year old and has many issues including around personal care, memory issues and currently under diagnosis for autism. He's had a third new teacher in the last school year, the last one was there for one month I don't have an issue with this as things happen. The teacher he currently has, has rubbed me up the wrong way a few times before due to his intolerance with my other son who has been diagnosed with autism and the meltdowns he has due to sensory overload and anxisty so this may be having an impact in me trying to decide whether my gut instinct is unreasonable or not.

He's had them for the last 2 weeks and knows about my sons issues. My son goes to the toilet both breaktimes and lunch time and has been going at home time, to me this feels quite normal, its what I did as a kid and most people I know. He never goes during lesson time and will try and hold it in lessons if he needs it as he is scared to ask which has lead to accidents. The teacher came out and said he was not to go to the toilet at home time as he's slow, this is part of his issues he's slow with everything even forgets at times to wipe his bum as he struggles to process information. He said he asks every day at home time and he can't possibly need it every time at home time, as the last break would have been about an hour and half he probably does and what benefit is it to him to go to the toilet at home time other than to relieve himself. So as this new rule been put in place for him he will either be wetting himself on the way home coming out of school flaring up his eczema walking home like that or I will have to try and find a quiet area to pee in the street as there are no other toilet facilities around there. He is incapable of holding it and school know that. On a good day it takes 20-25 minutes to get home, on a bad day if my youngest sons meltdowns are severe can take 45 minutes to an hour. Before anyone suggests in case you haven't read the full post he is currently under peadiatrics to try and resolve his issues or at least find out what we are dealing with and school have all the information to hand as I provide them with copies of the reports. AIBU to think he should be allowed to use the toilet at home time?

The teachers at my dc's primary were like this. We always had to stop at the library to use the loo on the way home! It's ridiculous and i completely agree that many teachers seem to be obsessed with toilets.

@wildchild554

This is absolutely disgraceful I'm just that's a deformation of a civil Liberty
I'm outraged
That's cruel and not treating your some with dignity I'd be on to the head, chair of governors, social services children's services and offstead to report this x

Takes me 1.5hrs to get home from school run sometimes so YANBU at all, we have to go in bushes a lot when the kids haven’t spoken up at home time. Before my disability stopped me driving I had a special portable toilet thing in the back of the car left over from a camping trip, it’s carryable. It folded to a small suitcase.

Not that you should have to but still.

In your shoes I would not fanny around giving the teacher a chance to wiggle out of it - I'd go straight to the head.

I am appalled. Your poor son.

Tricky because he SHOULD be allowed to use the toilet, but if he’s doing it every day at an inconvenient time (eg slowing down other kids from being picked up, preventing teacher from supervising pick up time etc) I can see it must be annoying for staff.

Can he not ask to go to the toilet say 20 minutes before home time so he’s back and ready to leave school with everyone else?

@thebabynanny when he said he can't possibly need the toilet every home time I said he wouldn't ask if he didn't and we have had issues with him wetting himself if he hasn't been. To be honest, I was caught off guard at the time and also trying to deal with the fact I'm going to lose my dad this year after receiving some bad news and likely my sister too, and how to deal with the kids I'm not 100% with it when dealing with situations like this at the moment but have rung school to speak to someone, was going to this afternoon, but unfortunately, my other son had a major meltdown and had to deal with that first.

@Thenose I think I'm better off printing it and highlighting the key points tbh atm.

@FateHasRedesignedMost the teacher has already said he won't allow that but he doesn't even hold anyone up, they are already stood being picked up when he comes out and he's never the last one off the playground.

I'd ask the kid when he comes out if he needs to go. If he does send him straight back - Don't take NO for an answer from this abusive teacher. My DS (completely NT) often goes to the loo on the way out and we have a 5-10min journey home.

I hate the fact that these little bullies are allowed to become teachers to bully little kids. Pathetic!

The only thing I can think of is that they have to be inside until all are ready to go out if someone is in the loo?? But even if that's the case surely it just means they have a ta who can be inside with him whilst the rest go out 🤷‍♀️. I say this as a teacher the easy way is to plan for it not ban it surely.

I'd get him to pee all over the teacher's shoes. Failing to provide reasonable adjustments.

Can you talk to the SENCO?

@confuseddotcom1234 They are all already stood on the playground waiting to be picked up when he comes out.

@Clymene probably not senco atm I know shes struggling to get all the ehcps etc through at present and all the paperwork etc she has to catch up on from lockdown will be a long wait for a call back but I can bring it up with pastoral, she is very good at sorting issues. Waiting on a call from her now but if she doesn't I know I will get to speak to her in the morning.

You definitely need to speak with someone and someone with "authority ". Either the head or the SENCO. Ot shouldn't take more than a phone call or email,as what you are asking for is completely reasonable and the teacher has no grounds to refuse.

Does the class have a TA. Can she stay "behind" and wait for him? Would he be able to go earlier, so the TA can remind him 5 minutes before home time to try and go? Then he can grab his stuff on the way back and he's on time with all the other kids.

Don't give up though, as this situation is definitely not acceptable or reasonable.

I had a ks2 child with autism who always wanted to go the toilet at home time and would take along time. This didn't work well because we were in an upstairs classroom with a long walk through the school to meet the parents. The first few times the whole class was late out as I couldn't leave a child on their own upstairs. The obvious solution was therefore to ask her to go to the toilet 10 minutes before home time. That way she could go when she needed to and the class left on time. Your son should not be refused access at home time and a reminder of his needs to the teacher and senco should help. If it doesn't then please complain to the Head.

I hope you get this sorted out asap. It is disgusting the teacher is treating your ds in this way.

Good grief. I hope this teacher develops bladder problems as he gets older. Going to the loo before you go somewhere is just basic bowel/bladder management, isn't it? I'm in late middle age and I go for a pee even if I don't need one, just to be on the safe side!

That’s unbelievable. Your poor son. If he needs the loo, he needs the loo.
And it should make zero difference if he has special needs or not. If a child needs a wee they should be allowed to use the toilet. He can use the toilet without supervision, the other children can wait outside the classroom as normal surely. so id be demanding an actual proper reason why it’s an issue. The teachers ‘ he can’t need to go every day’ is not a reason!
Even if they let you in to help because quite honestly your child not wetting themselves in the way is an exceptional circumstance. Idiots!

It may be worth thinking of getting the school nurse to hear/receive your experiences as well, if you can. I think they would be likely to support you.

I would speak to the teacher concerned. Could you go with your son to ensure he doesn't take too long? Being able to go to the toilet when you need to is a basic human right.

I would discuss with gp and get them to write a letter to the school. Similar happened to my son in that a teacher made him so petrified of needing do go to the toilet during class he was also going during the breaks and he was weakening his bladder. It got to the point he lost control in class. Bladders are muscles and gp told us he was going too often. School agreed he could go whenever he needed to and his bladder improved.

[quote wildchild554]@FateHasRedesignedMost the teacher has already said he won't allow that but he doesn't even hold anyone up, they are already stood being picked up when he comes out and he's never the last one off the playground.[/quote]
If they have told you that it holds other children up, then listen to them. For something like this it’s not your place to decide that it wouldn’t disrupt the routine because you are not in the classroom at home time, but you can ask for help to find a way around it.

With the procedure at my school at home time, if a child asks to go to the toilet when everyone is lining up ready to go out, then honestly, it would hold everyone else up if we had to wait for them. I would either have to take the class out on time and leave him behind, or make the entire class wait so we could go out together like we’re supposed to. Allowing a child back in every day after they’ve been dismissed to use the toilet would soon have every parent thinking they could come back in, and it would piss the cleaners off because they get started as soon as children leave.

The obvious solution would be your son asking to go to the toilet slightly earlier, or the teacher remembering to tell him to go slightly earlier.

@FairyCakeWings I know its not holding them up as they leave him behind and come onto the playground.and the teacher has already said he won't allow him to go a bit earlier and cleaning staff come in the morning at my sons school so not even holding them up, It's not been a problem with any of his other teachers and this one teacher has always been difficult to deal with.

you have just described one of the main reasons i chose to home educate my disabled son, the fact that any adult and a strange adult at that has the rights over your body functions and has the rights to refuse just basic human needs and are doing so knowing full well his issues' feel the same about eating and drinking
i understand completely about the years behind thing as mine is as well hes 11 "should be"y6 but is mentally 6-7 and is on the y1 level. we counteract this by learning at his pace be it very slowly as he has working memory disorder as one of his many complex diagnoses

is he y5/y6 but on a y1 level? I would be telling not asking the teacher to treat your son as that age not what physical age he is.

tmi here but im still wiping my 11 y olds bum and bathing him(and hes 11 st odd and 5ft 5) as he just cant get it no matter how many times we ahve tried over the years. but he has the freedom to eat, drink and use the bathroom as needed and never need to ask me

my 2nd major reason is the while school system is a Victorian outdated system that need scrapping and is no way suited for disabled children

How absolutely horrible of the teacher. As a teacher I would never stop a child going to the toilet who obviously needs to go! Or who has a journey afterwards! You should definitely bring this up with the school, normally I would say speak to the teacher but as that clearly isn’t working I’d go to a head of year or the headteacher.