AIBU to think my son should be allowed access to a toilet at home time.

[wildchild554]

My son has special needs, he's 10 but has been estimated to being at the level of a 6 year old and has many issues including around personal care, memory issues and currently under diagnosis for autism. He's had a third new teacher in the last school year, the last one was there for one month I don't have an issue with this as things happen. The teacher he currently has, has rubbed me up the wrong way a few times before due to his intolerance with my other son who has been diagnosed with autism and the meltdowns he has due to sensory overload and anxisty so this may be having an impact in me trying to decide whether my gut instinct is unreasonable or not.

He's had them for the last 2 weeks and knows about my sons issues. My son goes to the toilet both breaktimes and lunch time and has been going at home time, to me this feels quite normal, its what I did as a kid and most people I know. He never goes during lesson time and will try and hold it in lessons if he needs it as he is scared to ask which has lead to accidents. The teacher came out and said he was not to go to the toilet at home time as he's slow, this is part of his issues he's slow with everything even forgets at times to wipe his bum as he struggles to process information. He said he asks every day at home time and he can't possibly need it every time at home time, as the last break would have been about an hour and half he probably does and what benefit is it to him to go to the toilet at home time other than to relieve himself. So as this new rule been put in place for him he will either be wetting himself on the way home coming out of school flaring up his eczema walking home like that or I will have to try and find a quiet area to pee in the street as there are no other toilet facilities around there. He is incapable of holding it and school know that. On a good day it takes 20-25 minutes to get home, on a bad day if my youngest sons meltdowns are severe can take 45 minutes to an hour. Before anyone suggests in case you haven't read the full post he is currently under peadiatrics to try and resolve his issues or at least find out what we are dealing with and school have all the information to hand as I provide them with copies of the reports. AIBU to think he should be allowed to use the toilet at home time?

@TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY I'm glad you said that as I'm still having to bath my sons my youngest is due to his fear of water and the battle but my eldest just still hasn't got it yet. I would love to home educate them both but right now it's not possible we will be moving in a couple of years probably less than that and then I will be in a position to home educate.

Teachers should remind primary age students to use the loo 10-15 minutes before home time for just this reason. I have been known to remind grownup partners and friends to go before we leave. Finding somewhere clean to stop can be hard.

I'm a teacher and I think it is awful. I have honestly never heard anything like it. Tbh my initial reaction was that it couldn't be true because it is so cruel to your son.

I hope you get it sorted when you speak to the pastoral lead tomorrow.

The only thing I wondered is whether he waits until everyone is about to go out of the door, so everyone has to wait for him.

Or whether the teacher sometimes needs to let the kids out and then meet with a parent or go to a staff meeting, but feels that he needs to wait for your son first.

If that's not the case then he needs to put up with it or remind your son to go ten minutes before the end of the school day.

I’m sorry but this teacher is a fucking idiot. I would be speaking to the head.

"Teachers should remind primary age students to use the loo 10-15 minutes before home time for just this reason. "

To be fair, most NT children are capable of going to the loo when they need to without a reminder. There's enough to do in the last ten minutes. And if all 35 decided to go, you'd need to start a lot earlier than ten mins before the bell or risk everyone being very late going home.

But terrible to say that a child isn't allowed if they need it.

As a teacher I would just ( discreetly) remind him to go a few minutes before home time each day. Absolutely no reason to not allow a child to go to the toilet and if it's an identified time he will need to go, it just becomes part of the routine. Home time is a very normal time to need to go to the toilet .

Sounds like an infringement of his human rights tbh! And that it is an inconvenience for the teacher more than anything!

@twominutesmore the teacher always comes out with the class and leaves my son behind and my son comes out when he's finished and I agree that isn't working for the teacher for whatever reason should send him at more suitable time.

*agree if that isn't working

It probably isn't really working for the teacher, as he probably shouldn't be leaving your son behind but can't wait in the classroom until he finishes before letting the other children out. However, he should get him to go earlier, and hopefully that should sort the problem out

Ugh he sounds awful OP.
When I was in primary we had a new teacher start. A miserable old man with the personality of a cactus. He said if we used the loo after school he'd ring social services to come and get us because after school hours we weren't his responsibility. It massively backfired when 3 year groups started all asking for the loo ten minutes before the end of the day to wind him up.

Of course he should be allowed to go to the toilet! It’s ridiculous to say he can’t. I would be going to the head immediately to raise this. It’s not on at all to prevent him.

What on earth is this 'can't possibly need the toilet at home time every day' rubbish?

I need the toilet every time i go upstairs to bed, no matter what time of day that is, because I've trained myself to go to the loo before bed. Ditto getting up in the morning.

Teaching kids to go to the toilet before they set off on journeys, between finishing one task and starting another is surely sensible stuff - why on earth would a teacher try to chuck a spanner in the works? What an idiot!

You need to email the SENCO. Say "I understand that teacher is having difficulty with DS using the toilet at home time. However, he needs to use the toilet and can't wait until he gets home. Could DS be reminded to use the toilet 15 minutes before home time so that he has used the toilet and is ready to go out on to the playground with the other children at collection time. Many thanks"

Just be direct, name the problem, name the solution and expect a resolution.

It's taken me until my eldest was in year 9 to adopt that tone and now I get what I want, generally at the first time of asking. I make sure that my request is reasonable, but I also leave no illusion that I will accept no as an answer.

@Lougle

You need to email the SENCO. Say "I understand that teacher is having difficulty with DS using the toilet at home time. However, he needs to use the toilet and can't wait until he gets home. Could DS be reminded to use the toilet 15 minutes before home time so that he has used the toilet and is ready to go out on to the playground with the other children at collection time. Many thanks"

Just be direct, name the problem, name the solution and expect a resolution.

It's taken me until my eldest was in year 9 to adopt that tone and now I get what I want, generally at the first time of asking. I make sure that my request is reasonable, but I also leave no illusion that I will accept no as an answer.

What a crap solution.

Why should your son miss 15 minutes of school EVERY DAY (that's almost a full day a month) just because the teacher is being a twat. The actual solution is "please inform that fucktard of a teacher that DS WILL be using the toilet after school."

Update: Have spoken to pastoral this morning had a number of things I had to talk about. When I told her about what his teacher had come and told me she looked very shocked, she asked if my son had told me or the teacher and could it be a misunderstanding but I said no it was the teacher and she is going have words to make sure he still goes at home time even if it means sending him to go 15 minutes before when everyone is packing up to go, it's not affecting his education to do that as they aren't being taught at that point and there's no reason to implement such a harsh rule. She even said they'd worked on making sure he'd go before at home time to stop him wetting himself on the way home and this is going backwards on the work they'd done.

Well done! That's great.

@Newmama29

Why are teachers so hellbent on gatekeeping toilets?

I agree. My DS is primary age and I have pulled the teacher a couple of times and said he could get a UTI. It's unacceptable.

Some teachers are obsessed with ensuring children don't have access to a toilet when they need it. It's pathetic. I remember asking to go to the toilet, I have very heavy periods and at times urgently need to change my protection. The teacher said no, I flooded and got verbally abused in the same class which the teacher did nothing about. I started not bothering go go in when I had my period with this teacher. It's worrying that these people on power trips are supervising children. It's a small minority I'm sure but it can have awful consequences.

Brilliant update OP!

Jesus, why does this teacher need to make an already difficult situation harder?

A little empathy can go a long way.

@EllaVaNight It's horrific when that happens, I remember doing that in high school and after that was off every time I had a period due to the fear and was constantly bullied for it, but I had something wrong can't remember what was wrong and it was excessive. Remember the specialist gave me iron tablets and something else to reduce the flow till eventually I felt confident enough to go in when on a period but was lucky my school was really understanding and was always allowed to go and check when needed.

@fruitbrewhaha good question and he's always getting pulled up on his bad attitude with the kids. He's also the deputy head, hope he never becomes a headteacher because would make things a lot harder for a lot of families.

@EllaVaNight fortunately it is a small minority in my experience ( almost 40 years!) of teaching, however that’s still too many as it can really affect children adversely for a very long time. One of my sons had an unpleasant bully of a teacher in year 2 over 30 years ago and still remembers how unhappy it made him. I also felt quite intimidated by her, people like that should not be working in a caring profession with or without children.
Hope the situation is quickly resolved now the Head knows.

Glad the senco is going to sort it out.

I would be sending a written complaint to the head and maybe board of governors. Someone like this should not be deputy head.