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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my son should be allowed access to a toilet at home time.

108 replies

wildchild554 · 23/03/2022 12:52

My son has special needs, he's 10 but has been estimated to being at the level of a 6 year old and has many issues including around personal care, memory issues and currently under diagnosis for autism. He's had a third new teacher in the last school year, the last one was there for one month I don't have an issue with this as things happen. The teacher he currently has, has rubbed me up the wrong way a few times before due to his intolerance with my other son who has been diagnosed with autism and the meltdowns he has due to sensory overload and anxisty so this may be having an impact in me trying to decide whether my gut instinct is unreasonable or not.

He's had them for the last 2 weeks and knows about my sons issues. My son goes to the toilet both breaktimes and lunch time and has been going at home time, to me this feels quite normal, its what I did as a kid and most people I know. He never goes during lesson time and will try and hold it in lessons if he needs it as he is scared to ask which has lead to accidents. The teacher came out and said he was not to go to the toilet at home time as he's slow, this is part of his issues he's slow with everything even forgets at times to wipe his bum as he struggles to process information. He said he asks every day at home time and he can't possibly need it every time at home time, as the last break would have been about an hour and half he probably does and what benefit is it to him to go to the toilet at home time other than to relieve himself. So as this new rule been put in place for him he will either be wetting himself on the way home coming out of school flaring up his eczema walking home like that or I will have to try and find a quiet area to pee in the street as there are no other toilet facilities around there. He is incapable of holding it and school know that. On a good day it takes 20-25 minutes to get home, on a bad day if my youngest sons meltdowns are severe can take 45 minutes to an hour. Before anyone suggests in case you haven't read the full post he is currently under peadiatrics to try and resolve his issues or at least find out what we are dealing with and school have all the information to hand as I provide them with copies of the reports. AIBU to think he should be allowed to use the toilet at home time?

OP posts:
Original poster
wildchild554 · 23/03/2022 14:08

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping it's a male teacher but I agree lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
wildchild554 · 23/03/2022 14:09

@mum61 my thoughts exactly.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 23/03/2022 14:11

That is super awful. Complain. That teacher is abusive.

Chloemol · 23/03/2022 14:11

Just go straight to the headmaster, explain amd ask for assurances the teacher will be spoken to and your son allowed to go to the toilet before he goes home

I would also suggest to the headmaster that the teacher needs to have done training on dealing with kids with different needs

clpsmum · 23/03/2022 14:11

This makes me so angry. Nobody should EVER be refused access to a toilet when they need it regardless of their challenges or abilities.

This happened to my son when he was six the teacher wouldn't let him go during lesson then because it was an indoor playtime the supervisor didn't let him go then either. As a result he wet himself and was absolutely mortified. I'm not proud of this next but but I was so absolutely furious I told the teacher every time he needed the toilet he would go and if she ever stopped him again I would make her piss herself in front of all her peers to see how it felt

NorthSouthcatlady · 23/03/2022 14:19

@Newmama29 teachers do seem to have a toilet fixation

This is terrible! I’m a nurse and would be in a lot of trouble for preventing someone from using the toilet who needed it. The teacher sounds controlling and dreadful

diddl · 23/03/2022 14:21

That is dreadful.

I remember times my daughter would come flying into the house, all doors left open, running upstairs "I need a wee!"

The times I said to her to go before she left!

I wonder how many adults go to the loo just before leaving work?

Seems inherently sensible to me!

mum61 · 23/03/2022 14:22

@wildchild554 Go to see the headteacher and say you are very concerned that this teacher is struggling to cope with your Childs needs.
Say you are concerned for the mental health of a teacher who is refusing to allow a single child to use the toilet at home time, because it is cruel and unecessary .

Christmas1988 · 23/03/2022 14:22

In your Situation I’d go straight to the head and ask why isn’t it possible for your son to go to the toilet before he leave school. If they are good headteacher they will have a quiet word with the teach and it’ll all be sorted.

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 23/03/2022 14:22

YANBU.

I would complain and ask to talk to the Head.

oakleaffy · 23/03/2022 14:24

@LabelMaker

Is the problem the supervision? Do you collect from school? Could you offer to supervise?
Supervised may well help, so a teacher doesn’t have to stay on and supervise? Hopefully if just a wee, shouldn’t take too long.
balalake · 23/03/2022 14:27

Talk to the head, phone or in person, not emails, which will emphasise how seriously you view the matter.

Picklesandbeans · 23/03/2022 14:31

SEN teacher here. This is not your problem or your sons it's the schools. Approach teacher/head /Senco and demand he is allowed access to toliet when needed. Add it to his EHCP under personal care when next review.

Original poster
wildchild554 · 23/03/2022 14:40

@Picklesandbeans He doesn't an EHCP yet as they haven't needed to implement one for him, he's in a number of intervention groups and some extra 1 on 1 interventions but they do have some paperwork on his needs I can't remember what it is called the document and I know the teacher has access to it and has made sure all the information is on there and up to date as we had a meeting before she left to make sure everything was on there for his new teacher.

OP posts:
JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 23/03/2022 14:40

Just out of interest, when you say the teacher, ‘came out and said he was not to go at home time’ was that actually said face to face to you or to your son and you’re getting the statement second hand?

Only because it is abusive to refuse a child (or indeed anyone) access to the toilet and schools are very aware of this fact. I fully accept that there are controlling bullies out there, but it seems odd - particularly at home time when it’s no issue or unlikely to cause any disruption to others.

Ormally · 23/03/2022 14:40

ERIC guidelines may help too. This is mainly for families with issues relating to continence malfunction but the research etc would absolutely apply here and they do give outlines for care plans and similar, which would translate to his reasonable adjustments.
www.eric.org.uk/blog/why-do-children-avoid-using-school-toilets

Original poster
wildchild554 · 23/03/2022 14:42

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas He came and told me personally in front of the kids.

OP posts:
hangrylady · 23/03/2022 14:45

YANBU. Nobody should be told they can't use the toilet.

thebabynanny · 23/03/2022 14:46

[quote wildchild554]@JohnPrescottsPyjamas He came and told me personally in front of the kids.[/quote]
What did you say to this?

Did you accept it or did you tell him this wasn't acceptable and your son needs to use the toilet?

If he still refuses then I would go and speak to the Head or SENCO today.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 23/03/2022 14:57

Sounds like he has an individual education plan (iep). Go to the head or senco and complain, ask them to write it into his iep. No one should be making such a big deal about a child using the toilet at home time. Tell them he often has quite a long walk home due to your other sons additional needs and needs to use the toilet before leaving school

babyjellyfish · 23/03/2022 14:59

No child should be denied access to a toilet at any time or for any reason.

RobotValkyrie · 23/03/2022 15:12

This is textbook discrimination. The teacher needs disciplining, not the child. Talk to the SENCO. Escalate to the head and governors if need be.

ChloeHel · 23/03/2022 15:27

Wtf this is absolutely ridiculous! I would even go as far to say it’s discrimination!

No way should any child be told when they can go to the toilet regardless of how long they take. I’d be marching straight to the headteacher, and I hope you do.

TheRealityCheque · 23/03/2022 15:46

The teacher is a fuckwit.

YABU for not going directly to the headteacher as this is unacceptable.

Thenose · 23/03/2022 15:48

No, no, no, no, no! Refusing to let your son use the toilet because he takes more time due to his disability is discrimination under the Equality Act 2010. There's no reasonable exception here; this man is absolutely in the wrong.

Your 'instinct' told you he was wrong, but you couldn't advocate for your little boy effectively because you didn't have the knowledge to correct him. I'm not criticising you; this happens to all of us. If you're motivated, which it sounds like you are, this can be a turning point. You need to read the Act, memorise the salient points and think about how it applies to your son (there are plenty of solicitors offering examples online). Then you'll be able to confidently shut down petty little pricks like this and protect your son from their nonsense. Otherwise, you'll go insane with the unfairness.