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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Selfish" to choose to have only one child?

116 replies

Ivegottagoforaliedown · 23/03/2022 08:14

Not my opinion! So less of an AIBU and more 'are they being unreasonable.

I recently had my first baby, he's lovely. My partner and I said we'd just have one, because:

We hope to have more time/resources to devote to him.
State of the world (we did discuss not having any due to this - whole other thread for that argument!
Hopefully less stress?!

However since he's been born I find myself thinking I could do this again (hormones maybe, he's only 6 months!). I wonder about him being lonely, or what will happen when his dad and I die. I wasn't close to my sister growing up but we are very close now and I'm so glad I have her. I was discussing this with her yesterday and she agrees, but went on to say she thinks it is selfish to choose to have only one child. She has none of her own yet but wants two.

I have a bit of time to decide, I'm early 30s and partner is mid 30s - although he reckons he will be too old for another in a few years time. I'm not sure what to think. There's no guarantee siblings would even like one another or get along as adults - I know plenty who don't. But I also know of some who are best of friends.

Of course there are very sensitive reasons why people may choose to stick with one - high risk pregnancies for instance. And of course there is secondary infertility. But in the case where the parents could provide for another child and would be happy with another - is it selfish not to for the sake of their first child?

OP posts:

Kendodd · 23/03/2022 08:20

I think from the childs point of view its always better to have siblings if you get on well. And that's a massive if, by no means guaranteed, they could easily hate each other.

On all your other points, yanbu, it's fine being an only child, I wouldn't worry about them being lonely or anything, just take them to play groups.

TabithaHazel · 23/03/2022 08:21

Having another child just for existing child is a bad idea. If you and your spouse want another child then go for it, if not then don’t. I have plenty of friends who were only children who have not been affected adversely by it, on the other hand I have a friend who spent their childhood (mutually) hating their sibling and now don’t see them at all.

It’s definitely not selfish to only have one child, families come in all shapes and sizes all having their own advantages and disadvantages!

Scarecrowrowboat · 23/03/2022 08:21

No not selfish at all. I'm hoping things will improve but part of me feel like it's ruined my relationship with my first child which I wasn't expecting. I don't regret it but it's completely disabused me of the idea that I needed to have two for his sake.

Climbingthelaundrymountain · 23/03/2022 08:28

I don't think it's selfish at all.

Growing up my brother and I hated each other, we fought terribly. But then our mother died when we were teens/preteens and our father's addiction worsened and he eventually died. We only had each other. Of course these are rare circumstances but my experience definitely played a part in my decision to have 3 children (so far). They will always have somebody to support them when dh and I are gone.

Caspianberg · 23/03/2022 08:30

I don’t think so. We will likely stick with 1 as well.

I am one of three. Never played as children together, barely any contact as adults.

Donra · 23/03/2022 08:31

I’m glad I don’t have any siblings. Being an only child has massively benefited me. When my Dad died I received a £180k house and that’s set me up for life in a way that £90k wouldn’t have done. My Mum is still alive and she helps me out by collecting DC from school and tidying round my house before I get home, she wouldn’t do that if she had another child. It’s not like I’m going to be left alone when I’m older, I have a husband and kids.

Caspianberg · 23/03/2022 08:35

Also my parents have various siblings, I think 3 and 5. So I technically have lots of aunts/ uncles and cousins. As a child we saw some very occasionally, but I haven’t seen or heard from most in 20 odd years. So it wouldn’t have mattered if they had both been only children either

Furrybutts · 23/03/2022 08:36

I am an only child. I loved being so. I had no desire to have a sibling.
I have 5 adult children. They are very close and have always really enjoyed spending time with each other.
If I had my time over again I would just have one.

Ragwort · 23/03/2022 08:37

Not selfish at all ... to be honest having one, two or six children is a 'selfish' decision ... no one is having DC just because they want to produce future tax payers or world peace leaders . Having a DC is a selfish choice - you are doing it because you 'want a DC to fulfil some needs/desires of your own'.

Whether or not the population dies out is a different matter.

Xmassprout · 23/03/2022 08:38

I am one of 4 and don't have close relationships with any of my siblings. My eldest sibling I haven't spoken to in 15 years and that will not change as he tormented throughout my life. My other siblings are nice, I just don't have any kind of relationship with them

lancashirelady · 23/03/2022 08:52

I'm an only child and don't feel as if I've missed out on anything at all. I'm just as happy being by myself as being with others. I honestly can't understand why people think being an only child means you are going to be lonely. I have extremely close friendships with people and have never once felt lonely or wished I'd had a sibling. Don't allow other people to dictate how many children you have, if you are happy with one that is all that matters.

yoyo1234 · 23/03/2022 08:53

Large gap between my DC so traditional sibling relationship unlikely to be established. My siblings and me (close in age) had our moments (loads of arguing and competitiveness) growing up . I do not think our eldest was unhappy mainly being an only child for most of their childhood, the reverse potentially. Subsequent DC was not conceived as a friend for eldest but because we wanted another child .

SweetNcrunchy · 23/03/2022 09:04

I have 3 boys (nearly adults). Love them dearly, but if i could have my time over I would have just had one. More than one child is bloody hard work.

Flopsy145 · 23/03/2022 09:27

I personally loved being an only child and still do, I'd be quite happy with one but my oh would like at least one more. So we'll see, there's a lot to be said for having one in terms of childcare, general costs etc. Just see how you feel in a year or two I would say :) no need to make a decision now, I am the same though and swing back and forth and my dd is one. I think I'll wait until she's 2/2.5 to make our choice

Nisse23 · 23/03/2022 09:28

I have a sister, who my mother had to keep me company. I didn’t want a sister! We weren’t close at all as children, and I’ve not spoken to her in about 5 years.

I’m planning on only having one. That way I can make sure they’re getting all the attention and resources they need. If they want company, there’s always pets and friends.

Underfrighter · 23/03/2022 09:52

There are a lot of threads on here about only children.

Some only children do say they wish they had a sibling but in the main on the threads I've read, only children loved having the extra opportunities attention and time that being an only child afforded them.

lemongreentea · 23/03/2022 09:54

having only 1 child is the most sensible decision. no one should have a child to keep its sibling company.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/03/2022 09:55

Not selfish at all.

PollyDarton1 · 23/03/2022 09:58

I am one of two and I loved having my brother growing up.

DS is probably going to be my only. I'm separated from his dad but he does have an older brother from my exes previous relationship, but there is a 7 year age gap so they're not super close.

I'm now 37 and whilst there is a strong part of me which would love another child, I am single and can't imagine being in a position where I could realistically consider it for a number of years, which would bring me up to 40s. I also had a really tough pregnancy and an abusive ex (who escalated during pregnancy) so there is a big part of me which would be loathe to do it again just in case.

texasschmexas · 23/03/2022 09:58

This is an impossible question - single children will likely think of the benefits only depending on their life stage (e.g. too young to think they'd like a person from the same roots to share thoughts with, and look after DP), siblings will fall into two categories one where they love their siblings, ones with rivalries, personality conflicts, issues etc. Parents of single child will say it is great financially, they have less stress, can devote more time etc but they don't know how it feels to have another one in the mix really. When you have another, normally, you end up absolutely loving this second child as much as your first, and can't think of life without them and your slightly more chaotic family, just like you can't think of life without your child now. There is not true answer to this as everyone looks at it from their own perspective.

BlackeyedSusan · 23/03/2022 09:58

No not selfish. Posting as an only child. It's all swings and roundabouts...some good points, some bad points. There is no right or wrong answer.

Khalas · 23/03/2022 10:00

I've been told I'm selfish in choosing not to have children thus depriving my DM of becoming a grandmother (not DM saying this thank goodness!).

Reason I'm saying that is, there are two ways of looking at things, so whichever way you choose is just that, your choice and let nobody else remonstrate with you on your decision.

Chely · 23/03/2022 10:01

To have any number is selfish, you can't win here so have as many as you want and stop caring about others opinions.

Fromdeepestperu · 23/03/2022 10:02

I am an only child. I have to admit that the reasons I'd rather not be may well be more down to my mother's personality rather than my being an only child.

I was always the centre of attention and my parents have been overly invested in my life. At times, this has resulted in great support in difficult times. At other times, it has been intense and I've struggled to break free. Knowing that my parents hopes and dreams were/are solely pinned on me has often been a responsibility I'd rather not have.

In recent years as they've grown more frail and old, and my mother has developed serious MH problems, it has become exhausting and worrying being the only one they can really rely on to provide physical, practical and emotional support. This is frequently challenging alongside my own family and working full time.

If you decide to just have the one child then please bear all this in mind!

lanthanum · 23/03/2022 10:02

DD15 is quite happy being an only, even after lockdown (which is the main time when I think having a sibling would have been very helpful to her).

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