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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Selfish" to choose to have only one child?

116 replies

Ivegottagoforaliedown · 23/03/2022 08:14

Not my opinion! So less of an AIBU and more 'are they being unreasonable.

I recently had my first baby, he's lovely. My partner and I said we'd just have one, because:

  • We hope to have more time/resources to devote to him.
  • State of the world (we did discuss not having any due to this - whole other thread for that argument!
  • Hopefully less stress?!

However since he's been born I find myself thinking I could do this again (hormones maybe, he's only 6 months!). I wonder about him being lonely, or what will happen when his dad and I die. I wasn't close to my sister growing up but we are very close now and I'm so glad I have her. I was discussing this with her yesterday and she agrees, but went on to say she thinks it is selfish to choose to have only one child. She has none of her own yet but wants two.

I have a bit of time to decide, I'm early 30s and partner is mid 30s - although he reckons he will be too old for another in a few years time. I'm not sure what to think. There's no guarantee siblings would even like one another or get along as adults - I know plenty who don't. But I also know of some who are best of friends.

Of course there are very sensitive reasons why people may choose to stick with one - high risk pregnancies for instance. And of course there is secondary infertility. But in the case where the parents could provide for another child and would be happy with another - is it selfish not to for the sake of their first child?

OP posts:
ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 23/03/2022 11:17

My only sibling lives abroad and has never brought me anything other than pain.

ElIie · 23/03/2022 11:18

I wouldn’t want just one.

Personal tragedy has taught me you need an heir and a spare.

EvilPea · 23/03/2022 11:19

That’s a hell of alot of pressure and expectation for that (currently not existing) baby to carry.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 23/03/2022 11:21

My only child used to want a sibling, but growing up she sees how badly her friends get on with their siblings, she now says she's glad not to have any! It can really go either way as to whether siblings get along as adults.

deadlanguage · 23/03/2022 11:24

Any number is selfish in that it comes down to what you want. There’s no guarantee that siblings will get along so you can’t really say it’s for their benefit, and a 6mo hardly has an opinion on it. Having an only child is perfectly normal and increasingly common.

InglouriousBasterd · 23/03/2022 11:25

DD is an only and nearly all of my friends have also stopped at one. It seems to be far more common these days than when I was growing up!

I would have loved another but circumstances didn’t work out that way and I can’t see that changing. I love the relationship I have with DD and I wouldn’t change that for the world now.

ToiletPoster · 23/03/2022 11:26

Having kids is inherently selfish and you've got no guarantees of an adult relationship. I've got 7 half siblings in total, 2 of whom I lived with for the entirety of my childhood. We're all barely in contact, not even due to any falling out, we just live separate lives.

Any inheritance not being split so many ways would be more useful than any emotional support that I would (not) get from them.

yellowsuninthesky · 23/03/2022 11:28

It's very selfish only to have one child. How dare you not want another pregnancy that might injure you or, in extreme cases, even kill you, therefore leaving the first child motherless. Or not want another child as a symbol of your partner's virility. Or want a child to split the inheritance of the first. Etc etc.

For the avoidance of doubt, I am being ironic. Ultimately any decisions relating to child-bearing are selfish, so do what's best for you and your family*

yellowsuninthesky · 23/03/2022 11:28

@ElIie

I wouldn’t want just one.

Personal tragedy has taught me you need an heir and a spare.

Seriously? If you take that view you'll need about six kids.
Charette · 23/03/2022 11:30

@Thewindwhispers

I have an only child! Not by choice. She is so so lonely and bored of playing by herself, particularly on ‘family’ holidays. Lockdowns were hell: she didn’t speak to another child for half the year. I would never deliberately choose to do this to a child.

Once the toddler years are over, looking after one child is actually harder than looking after two, as they have no one to play with. You may be thinking that you’ll just do playdates, but this relies on other mums cooperating, which sadly isn’t usually the case. I try to do lots of playdates but so often people are busy doing family stuff. DD’s best friend isn’t even allowed to see us at weekends because they need her home playing with her own sister.

(Also my mum is an only child and all the burden and worry of what to do about her ill parents fell on her.)

Your sister was blunt, but also she was correct. Deliberately choosing to have a child with no siblings is selfish. You worry about the ‘state of the world’ - well you have a child now and whatever the state of the world is in future - war, climate change etc - looks like she’ll be facing it by herself. I’m sure she’d rather have a sibling!

With respect, I think the fact that you didn't have one child by choice is influencing you here, and you've been unfortunate in the people who are around your DD. DS (9) is pretty sociable, and has a good posse of friends, none of whom are only children, but the majority of whom have a significant age gap to the next youngest sibling in one case a full ten years, but in another four, and another five so they're not playing with them, anyway. He and his friends see one another a lot at weekends, and often play in the park after school, and do activities together in the evenings.

Two of his closest friends are twins, and while they are both lovely kids, they fight like cat and dog all the time, and are very much striving to distinguish themselves from one another. I think their parents do far more 'work' trying to sort out fights than I do amusing DS.

Papayamya · 23/03/2022 11:31

@ElIie

I wouldn’t want just one.

Personal tragedy has taught me you need an heir and a spare.

That's not without implications for the lives of the siblings left behind though. Sadly I know a few people who have lost siblings (when young ie before adulthood) and they all (wrongly) carry a sense of guilt and the burden of loss which massively affects their lives. I know this isn't the case for all, but personally what seems like an insurance policy of sorts still has downsides as well as advantages. Again, everyone feels differently but seems quite extreme to have another child just because of this.
AlternativePerspective · 23/03/2022 11:39

I think the magical sibling relationship is overstated massively. While many siblings do get on growing up, IME there are very few who have a really close relationship as they grow up and go on to have their own lives. And there are plenty who have no relationship at all.

In fact I think that a lot of siblings maintain a relationship purely because there is an expectation on them to do so.

AlternativePerspective · 23/03/2022 11:41

Your sister was blunt, but also she was correct. Deliberately choosing to have a child with no siblings is selfish. You worry about the ‘state of the world’ - well you have a child now and whatever the state of the world is in future - war, climate change etc - looks like she’ll be facing it by herself. I’m sure she’d rather have a sibling! what a load of bollocks.

Plenty of only children even on this thread who say they wouldn’t have wanted a sibling. So you saying that OP’s child would “rather have a sibling” is pure projection on your part.

Raindancer411 · 23/03/2022 11:44

I had one at 31, and he was an only child for a long time. He didn't know any better but I was a twin, so don't know what it feels like to be an only child. It was hard on him lockdown but at school he is a social butterfly. He has cousins so wouldn't be exactly without any family.

Then when he was 7, I found out I was pregnant. When we told him he was so excited and burst into tears that he had always wanted a sibling.

My point there is you don't have to hurry into it, you have a while to change your mind. See how you feel...

I have to say I like the bigger age gap as he has me on his own, and now she has me on her own when he is at school.

SpringLobelia · 23/03/2022 11:47

I was having a very similar discussion with one of my friends recently. They have one child. he has autism and some other issues and the conscious decision to have one has meant they are financially able to pour alot of resources into him they could not otherwise- therapy- private school- trips away and extra curricular stuff designed to enrich his experiences and world view. She's quite open that if they had two, then they could not do any of that to the extent they can, and says openly that for them it is a blessing. But she is an only child so is also quite open that she does not know what a sibling relationship is like- although her DH has two siblings and they are extremely histile and estranged.

I think tbat what it boils down to is literally what suits your family best. Your situation best. It is not selfish to make conscious decisions about the size of your family. I would argue it is rather selfish to have more children than you can afford either emotionally or financially.

ChiefAdjusterOfRubensShorts · 23/03/2022 11:49

I’m one of four and DH is one of three.

Our siblings are ok but we don’t have any kind of relationship with any of them beyond birthdays and Christmas.

DS is an only child, we only ever wanted one child as we wanted to give him all the opportunities and attention that DH & I lacked.

Plus we just didn’t want to be spending all our money on more children and their needs, so maybe we are selfish?

But, DS is perfectly happy, has lots of friends, great social life and often tells us that he likes being an only child.

suzysays · 23/03/2022 11:53

Only child here!

It's not selfish. I was perfectly happy and my mum and dad gave me a lot of attention (more than I am able to give my children) as there was only me! We have great relationships now and I have cousins/DHs family who's children I am Aunty too so I wouldn't say I'm lonely.

Just do whatever you feel is right, my mum and dad only wanted 1 and never regretted it.

Tilltheend99 · 23/03/2022 11:53

I always think the state of the world is a good reason to bring up positive little humans and give them the opportunity to change things.

But how many children you have is your concern and doing something purely out of guilt is not a great reason to do anything.

Having more children should be based around what you want your family and it’s dynamic to be like. I don’t even believe that resources should be a factor as long as another child will be safe and loved. (Appreciate that means a lot to some)

If you care a lot about the state of the world/want your DC to have a variety of relationships you could always go down the foster route and help a child in a precarious situation.

Don’t forget, if your sister is able to have DCs and lives nearby then cousin relationships can be more like sibling ones!

konasana · 23/03/2022 11:54

My own mum did not cope well with two and I also know I would not handle the stress of two very well. Having a second would be selfish, in my case, as my first would suffer for it and I would resent the second child.

deadlanguage · 23/03/2022 12:06

@Thewindwhispers I’m sorry that you’re struggling but I don’t think a sibling would have solved all of that for your daughter. I didn’t play with my sibling at all when we were children. We basically ignored each other/fought all the time and only developed a relationship as adults. I love her of course but I definitely don’t think my life would have been worse as an only child. DP likewise didn’t play much with his sister and they don’t really have a relationship now, so might as well have been an only child. In fact that would have been better for him as he wouldn’t have to worry about her going off the rails all the time.

RantyAunty · 23/03/2022 12:10

One is perfectly reasonable.

You're being considerate of the environment.
You DC will likely have a spouse, friends, and maybe DC of their own so they won't be alone.

PineConesInTheSnow · 23/03/2022 12:14

@Furrybutts

I am an only child. I loved being so. I had no desire to have a sibling. I have 5 adult children. They are very close and have always really enjoyed spending time with each other. If I had my time over again I would just have one.
Same. I am and was quite happy being an only child. It was and is great!
dray9925 · 23/03/2022 12:22

I only have one they're 5
I've already left it too late to have children close in age. Last year my child became very unwell and needed a bone marrow transplant hours away from home. Thinking then and now I'm still caring for them I'm glad I didnt have other children to worry about.
When they're better I'm not sure if we will go for another I think maybe I'd like too but I worry the age gap would be too much there's 15 years between me and my youngest sibling and we aren't that close.
I think my child is happy on his own though and I don't think it's selfish to have only one

HoldingTheDoor · 23/03/2022 12:24

Your sister was blunt, but also she was correct. Deliberately choosing to have a child with no siblings is selfish. You worry about the ‘state of the world’ - well you have a child now and whatever the state of the world is in future - war, climate change etc - looks like she’ll be facing it by herself. I’m sure she’d rather have a sibling! *

Utter Nonsense and personally I'd sooner have had a dose of The Clap than a sibling. I've always loved being an only child and the more I of many sibling relationships, the more I appreciate it as an adult.

theworstwife · 23/03/2022 12:33

Not selfish, just a choice to be made for the right reasons - you can’t guarantee siblings will get on so I wouldn’t have another for the sake of the first. I had a second child because I really wanted one, for now they get on and play together well, who knows what they will be like when they’re older.

I was an only child and really wanted a sibling, I felt being an only child made me stranger and more sheltered than I already was. My parents were unhappy in their marriage and I was the main focus constantly and the human sticking plaster. Now they are ageing and ill it seems a lot to manage alone.