"Selfish" to choose to have only one child?

[Ivegottagoforaliedown]

Not my opinion! So less of an AIBU and more 'are they being unreasonable.

I recently had my first baby, he's lovely. My partner and I said we'd just have one, because:

• We hope to have more time/resources to devote to him.
• State of the world (we did discuss not having any due to this - whole other thread for that argument!
• Hopefully less stress?!

However since he's been born I find myself thinking I could do this again (hormones maybe, he's only 6 months!). I wonder about him being lonely, or what will happen when his dad and I die. I wasn't close to my sister growing up but we are very close now and I'm so glad I have her. I was discussing this with her yesterday and she agrees, but went on to say she thinks it is selfish to choose to have only one child. She has none of her own yet but wants two.

I have a bit of time to decide, I'm early 30s and partner is mid 30s - although he reckons he will be too old for another in a few years time. I'm not sure what to think. There's no guarantee siblings would even like one another or get along as adults - I know plenty who don't. But I also know of some who are best of friends.

Of course there are very sensitive reasons why people may choose to stick with one - high risk pregnancies for instance. And of course there is secondary infertility. But in the case where the parents could provide for another child and would be happy with another - is it selfish not to for the sake of their first child?

I don't think it's selfish but, imo, I don't think it's preferable.

I hate the way selfish is used so negatively. Being selfish can be good.

Research is clear that only children are happier and more successful than children with siblings.

For every person who says they were lonely as an only child there will be another who loved it. For every person who loved having siblings there will be another who hated it.

My DM is one of 6 who doesn't have a relationship with any of her sibs- mixture of substance misuse, mental health, and the arguments about their late parents estate. My DF is one of 5, is cordial with sibs but not part of his life.

I have 3 friends who are one of two and they wished they'd been an only as they don't get on with their sibling.

2 friends had seconds and both younger dc have disabilities (ASD and LD) and their lives have been made considerably more difficult as has the older child's (who has to compromise on lots of daily living). They have both openly said that with hindsight their older dc didn't need a sibling.

I have an only and my sibs all have 2 dc each. My dc is like a sister to one of her cousins who are the same age. they both have an older sib with a big age gap (and different sex) so not much interaction there or shared interests.

I am one of 4 and get on with my sibs but only close to 1 and that's down to similar personality and parenting styles.

At the end of the day, everybody's experience is different and I will continue to make sure my dc has relationships with family and develops friendships and is not lonely. I love our little family of 3 (plus dog) and am grateful everyday. She's a fantastic little person.

Great post, Firelogbridge.

There are so many variables and it depends to a large degree on the personalities of the children involved and the resources of the parents.

My DC will be getting a sibling later on this year at age 5 (age gap not our choice). No idea how it will work out. On the one hand, DC is very interested in families and his friends' siblings and why he doesn't have one and seems excited by the idea. And him being at school will hopefully mean more time for me with the baby and less space for jealousy, since he'll be kept so busy. On the other hand, with bigger age gaps, they have less in common and clearly a newborn baby is very different to a boisterous 3 year old he can chase and run around with. And it's impossible to predict how he will react to the reality of sharing attention with a sibling when he's been our focus for 5 years.

So I'd only have another if you want one (more than 'wouldn't mind another') and if you have sufficient resources. For us, it's important that our DC has his own room since he really likes having his little space, so we wouldn't have another if it meant sharing rooms. Also, giving up clubs and activities for our existing DC.

I had the one, never wanted anymore. I knew my limits and having more than one would have been more than I could cope with. My DD had a relaxed mother able to devote my time to her without feeling guilty about not dividing my time equally or the potential to have a favourite. Spending time with her cousins (who argued and bickered amongst themselves a lot, and still do as adults), when she was growing up she would often tell me she was glad it was just her. I think giving her a sibling just for the sake of having one would have been the wrong thing for all of us.

I am an only child but it wasn’t a choice, just circumstance. I think there are pros and cons. I certainly benefitted financially, particularly from an inheritance perspective, and my parents were never overly invested in my life as a child. I have 2 other friends who are only children and I would say all three of us are very independent and happy to do stuff on our own and are comfortable on our own.

Where I really felt it was when my mum had dementia and I had to make what felt like impossible decisions on my own but I recognise that could also have happened if I’d had siblings. I also know of someone who’s life was changed at 18 when one of her parents was killed in a hit and run and the other was seriously injured - she had been about to leave to join the army but obviously couldn’t. Again, it was something that might have happened had she had a sibling, but double tough to have your life tipped upside down like that as an only child.

I don’t think it’s selfish but I do think having siblings is, for the majority, a more positive than negative experience.

Of course its not selfish. In many ways its by far the less selfish option. Likely to be more resource and attention available for one child, and certainly the most environmentally friendly option.

Also the reasons people trot out as to why its allegedly difficult being an only child never stand up to scrutiny. The most common one I've heard is that you will be lonely without siblings, but in very many cases siblings don't get on anyway. It's far from guaranteed that your relationship with your siblings will be good.

But this doesn't stop people from being nosy, judgemental stickybeaks who were raised on a diet of old wives tales and normative myths about 2.4 children. Ignore them all. Most of them are idiots and you can't design your family to please other people.

Hardly selfish

I'm an only child and it's not great. It was lonely growing up even though I was well adjusted and had friends. As an adult it's even harder. When my mum had cancer I had no one to share the shock, the worry, the fears, even for a short while. Friends care for a short time but they move on quickly as they have their own shit to deal with it. When my parents die, I will be all alone in the world which is a weird feeling. Husbands and friends come and go.

No doubt having a sibling you really hate is worse but if you're a good parent, it really shouldn't turn out that way.

I think we often forget the valuable life lessons learned BECAUSE you don’t always get along with your siblings. I really don’t think the sibling relationship can be replicated.

I think that using the word "selfish" for having too many or too few children is ridiculous.

However many children one chooses to have, it is inherently "selfish" in the sense that we make the decision that is right for us, what we think will make our life better.

But having one child isn't more selfish or less selfish than having four or having none. There isn't a right or wrong choice there.

As an aside I think that having one child so you can focus on them isn't a service to do them as it's a lot of pressure to put on the child. I had a hard enough time as a teen, I would have absolutely hated to be the sole focus of my parents.

But this aside, you need to have the number of children you want to have, and no one else is required to have an opinion on that.

From the child's point of view, obviously that depends heavily on what sort of relationship they have. Some onlies may have liked a sibling while some siblings might wish they'd been an only. But you can't know that before you have them so you can't really take that into account. All you can (and arguably should) do is try and make their life, whether as an only or a sibling, as good as it can be. So if an only child nurture their relationships and friendships so they're not lonely and try to not put too many expectations on their shoulders, and if a sibling try to make sure they have opportunities to do activities individually and develop their individual relationship to each parent.

I think it's very unfair to accuse people with only one child of being selfish. I've heard many do it (away from the ears of those with only children) but I always say I don't think that's a fair judgement. People have their reasons, though many only children are also only children b/c of circumstance (secondary infertility, break ups etc.). We have 10 close family/friends with an only, 7/10 is due to infertility, some of those even hoped to adopt but it didn't work out. All of them had a heck of a lot of heartbreak before deciding to stop where they were and stay with an only. All have fabulous dc, among my friends they are definitely not the most spoiled like that awful judgement suggests of only's.

While I chose to have a larger family and siblings felt important to me, I can see immense benefits to being an only child, particularly if you have aunts/uncles/cousins to fill some of the gaps. In terms of opportunity, resources, fee paying schools (if the right fit for a dc). I do worry about the older years when only children say goodbye to aging parents, if they haven't got a partner themselves, things can be very very lonely. I've seen a few people in that situation and that feels very hard. Many feel sadness they don't have siblings, even though they are in their 50's now. Of course there's no guarantee those siblings would be close, or supportive. But I guess at least there's a chance of that with a sibling.

I don't think there's a perfect answer, a perfect family size or situation. We are all doing the best with the internal & external resources we have. That's all we can really do. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Definitely not selfish, I find it incredibly annoying when people feel the need to throw in their two cents about how someone else wants to set up their family. I have a sister who has chosen not to have children, a decision that I respect and understand, but she often makes remarks to me dissing my decision to have children. Bottom line is every family can be beautiful no matter how big or small.

No doubt having a sibling you really hate is worse but if you're a good parent, it really shouldn't turn out that way.

It isn't just a case of you love your siblings or you hate your siblings though. 18 months between my best friend and her sister and they barely speak - they never fell out, there's no bad blood, they weren't parented badly, they just have absolutely nothing in common. The two of us are a lot closer than she is to her sister and when their father died it was me who she spoke to the most, not her sister.

Given the state of the world, the probable shit storm on the not so distant horizon and the impact of humans on the planet, having one at all is technically selfish (we need fewer humans and we are bringing children into a horrible situation).

But - it’s such an important human need (to some) that I would never judge.

I know lots of only children who are fine. happy childhood. Lovely people. Very few people I know have a close relationship with their sibling. I can’t bear mine.

So do what you feel us right for you and enjoy it. There are arguments for all options.

I have one DC. Couldn’t have more but would have because I love it. I also feel it was selfish and I feel guilt that he will likely have a much harder life than myself, DH and my parents.