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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Selfish" to choose to have only one child?

116 replies

Ivegottagoforaliedown · 23/03/2022 08:14

Not my opinion! So less of an AIBU and more 'are they being unreasonable.

I recently had my first baby, he's lovely. My partner and I said we'd just have one, because:

We hope to have more time/resources to devote to him.
State of the world (we did discuss not having any due to this - whole other thread for that argument!
Hopefully less stress?!

However since he's been born I find myself thinking I could do this again (hormones maybe, he's only 6 months!). I wonder about him being lonely, or what will happen when his dad and I die. I wasn't close to my sister growing up but we are very close now and I'm so glad I have her. I was discussing this with her yesterday and she agrees, but went on to say she thinks it is selfish to choose to have only one child. She has none of her own yet but wants two.

I have a bit of time to decide, I'm early 30s and partner is mid 30s - although he reckons he will be too old for another in a few years time. I'm not sure what to think. There's no guarantee siblings would even like one another or get along as adults - I know plenty who don't. But I also know of some who are best of friends.

Of course there are very sensitive reasons why people may choose to stick with one - high risk pregnancies for instance. And of course there is secondary infertility. But in the case where the parents could provide for another child and would be happy with another - is it selfish not to for the sake of their first child?

OP posts:

Wishingthreestonesaway · 23/03/2022 12:33

I was an only child through my childhood years. I was lonely, shy, unable to share, etc. I needed a sibling to bring me some normality of family life. I needed the rivalry, the squabbles, to not be the sole focus of my mother's anxieties. Sadly she lost three boys after me. I'm sure they would have helped me be a more rounded individual. By the time I got a sibling, I was at secondary school and there just wasn't a sibling relationship. I have a DGS who is an only child and he's already struggling with adult life, as I did. When I see my DC and their great relationship I'm so glad I didn't have an only child.

XmasElf10 · 23/03/2022 12:38

My DD is an only by choice and she’s 11. I don’t think she is spoiled although she does get a lot of my 1 on 1 attention. She isn’t lonely. She and I have a very close bond and both really enjoy hanging out together. She also has very close friends at school and wider family nearby.

I don’t know how it will go when I’m really old but I’d very much hope to look after myself, pay for carers etc..

SVRT19674 · 23/03/2022 12:38

I thought we were supposed to be saving the planet by only having minimal kids or we were selfish? Now we are selfish if we only have one. Damned if we do, damned if we don´t. Having one suits our family, our logistics and our finances. So there it is. Having siblings is ok if you get on well, not guaranteed. Was just reading thread this morning where op was beyond distraught as her sister was blanking her. Both of my ex boyfriends did not get on well with their brothers. So, nothing guaranteed, we do what is right for us.

Chasingaftermidnight · 23/03/2022 12:39

I’m an only child and always hated it (although my parents would tell you I was a ‘perfectly happy only child’ who ‘never wanted a sibling’, but obviously they needed to believe that).

That said, I still don’t think it’s a selfish decision to have an only child by choice because there are so many variables involved.

Original poster

Ivegottagoforaliedown · 23/03/2022 12:40

Thanks everyone- wasn't expecting so many responses so apologies for not coming back sooner!! Very mixed I see, if only I could see into the future...

I'll have a proper read through soon (in the middle of cleaning my house for the landlord coming round!) But thanks so much for sharing your views and experiences

OP posts:

Comedycook · 23/03/2022 12:42

She also has very close friends at school and wider family nearby

But if we all had just one child, eventually you'll reach a point where further generations won't have any wider family.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 23/03/2022 12:42

For every person who thinks it's selfish to have only one child, there's another that thinks it's selfish to have more and then another who think it's selfish to have any at all.

I love my siblings. I'm the middle of three. I hate being the middle child so I'd say it's selfish to have an odd number... Which is clearly ridiculous.

Darkstar4855 · 23/03/2022 12:44

Definitely not selfish. My son gets far more of my time and attention because we didn’t have a second. We’ll potentially be able to send him to private school.

HoldingTheDoor · 23/03/2022 12:48

I never understand the focus on care because in my experience it tends to fall on one sibling anyway. There are exceptions but more often than not it tends to be one child who bears the brunt of it.(Usually female, lives closest or the eldest.) Besides even if you do have help, sometimes that can make it harder when you have very different ideas about how to care, e.g one thinks it's time for a care home and the other disagrees.

Not to mention that their sibling could be born with or develop disabilities that mean that they also require care. My Mother's 3 brothers all developed varying degrees of alcohol issues. She loved them a lot but they were also a huge source and stress and worry for her and weren't of any use with caring for her Mother.

I've cared for family members three times now and personally I found it much easier to make the decisions alone.

Comedycook · 23/03/2022 12:52

I had a blast with my sister growing up...I'd rather have had that relationship than more one on one time with my parents!

PeterandSandy · 24/03/2022 15:04

of course its not.

Its selfish to have children and mistreat/abuse them though.

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/03/2022 19:48

Comedycook

I had a blast with my sister growing up...I'd rather have had that relationship than more one on one time with my parents“

My brother abused me and beat me up on a regular basis.

georgarina · 24/03/2022 20:11

I was an only child for most of my childhood and definitely didn't want that for my kids.

It was lonely, and there was the feeling that whenever my school friends fell out as they often do, the ones with siblings still had their siblings to play with, but I didn't so was more at the mercy of whatever was happening socially.

It was also not great from the perspective of my relationship with my parents. Lots of intense scrutiny and anxiety that I felt my friends with siblings were spared.

Of course if it's not a choice, that's fine and it will work out, but I would never choose that. Kind of like being a child of divorce - it's common and the kids usually grow up absolutely fine, but I wouldn't choose it.

BeccaGeej · 10/05/2022 14:33

Everyone's different. Thee's nothing selfish about either decision. As a mum of one, I would just say that when the time is right, if there is any part of you that wants another, then go for it. I dithered for ages until it was too late ( DH wasn't keen and there were a few reasons against) and I now regret it everyday. Yes, we can give DD, who's now 7, a lovely lifestyle, loads of attention etc but I feel guilty and sad everyday that we didn't have a second, both for her sake and mine. I can't see that feeling ever going away and will always live with that regret.

ColdColdColdColdCold · 10/05/2022 14:40

You can't have a child for someone else.

Having grown up with siblings, they've been the bane of my life and caused me so much trauma, sent me into therapy and triggered severe depression. I wish so much that I'd been an only child. I know in some cases it works out well and siblings can get along and be a net positive in one another's lives but there's really no way of knowing how it's going to go, so if the main driver is to provide a playmate/friend/companion for the existing child, that's a hell of a gamble.

bookworm14 · 10/05/2022 14:45

This thread, or a variation on it, crops up every bloody week at the moment. There are always people who say it’s fine to have one child and people who say it’s selfish and they’ll be miserable. No one ever changes their mind. What’s the point of endlessly rehashing it?

For what it’s worth I have one child and the only place I am made to feel guilty about this is on Mumsnet.

iwillnotstaycalm · 10/05/2022 14:48

It's entirely up to you and the situation you are in. As an only child with both my parents gone I do struggle but I also accept and understand having another child wasn't for them so I wouldn't ever blame them ! It is just what it is.

Do what you want to do ☺️

Fishwishy · 10/05/2022 15:18

It's not selfish at all you can probably better provide for one child giving them more opportunities than if you had to spread the resources amongst many. Plus the environmental impact of having more children doesn't occur.

Marvellousmadness · 10/05/2022 15:22

Of course its selfish. But it's your life. So do you :)

bookworm14 · 10/05/2022 15:23

Why is it selfish?

RelativePitch · 10/05/2022 15:24

It isn't selfish at all. Just make sure you are well organised parents in your old age and financially sound so that you don't burden your child. DP is an only child and he has had to do so much for his parents; practically, emotionally and financially. Not helped by the fact they are divorced and found themselves on their own in later life. It has been a high pressure situation for DP.

Butteryflakycrust83 · 10/05/2022 15:26

I have a brother, and not only do we not talk, he was an actual hindrance when our Dad died so having a sibling isn't going to be a guarantee of help or support.

We are one and done, as we would really struggle financially with two. Instead DD will get to experience travel, classes, hobbies. The alternative is having a sibling and if they don't get on then i have two bored kids at home and no money to solve it.

Plyoplies · 10/05/2022 15:26

I grew up with three siblings and I love them but honestly it was chaotic, noisy hell. I think I'd have been better off as an only. I wouldn't trade them now, obviously, but I don't think it would have been worse for me if they'd never existed in the first place IYSWIM. People always say now "oh kids don't care about money etc, they're much better off having less money and having siblings". Well actually I did care about that as a child and I care about it now too. We never had money to do anything when I was a kid as there were so many of us. It was one of the factors in only choosing to have one. That and I'm afraid of dying in childbirth and leaving my existing DS without a mother.

Plyoplies · 10/05/2022 15:28

Also even with the best will in the world you get all these odd dynamics when you have siblings. One of you is the smart one, one of you is the wayward one, one of you is the loud one, one is the funny one and so on and so forth. Even now my siblings and I are all in our twenties and thirties we still slip back into those dynamics when we're all together.

Plyoplies · 10/05/2022 15:29

Personal tragedy has taught me you need an heir and a spare.

Terrible, terrible reason to have two.

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