"Selfish" to choose to have only one child?

[Ivegottagoforaliedown]

Not my opinion! So less of an AIBU and more 'are they being unreasonable.

I recently had my first baby, he's lovely. My partner and I said we'd just have one, because:

• We hope to have more time/resources to devote to him.
• State of the world (we did discuss not having any due to this - whole other thread for that argument!
• Hopefully less stress?!

However since he's been born I find myself thinking I could do this again (hormones maybe, he's only 6 months!). I wonder about him being lonely, or what will happen when his dad and I die. I wasn't close to my sister growing up but we are very close now and I'm so glad I have her. I was discussing this with her yesterday and she agrees, but went on to say she thinks it is selfish to choose to have only one child. She has none of her own yet but wants two.

I have a bit of time to decide, I'm early 30s and partner is mid 30s - although he reckons he will be too old for another in a few years time. I'm not sure what to think. There's no guarantee siblings would even like one another or get along as adults - I know plenty who don't. But I also know of some who are best of friends.

Of course there are very sensitive reasons why people may choose to stick with one - high risk pregnancies for instance. And of course there is secondary infertility. But in the case where the parents could provide for another child and would be happy with another - is it selfish not to for the sake of their first child?

I have 1, she's nearly 6, i'm on the fence re a second, husband wants another, daughter does not, has no interest at all in a sibling.

Well time is on your side. I have only child born when I was 42. We could have tried for another but was very ill during pregnancy.

Its doesnt stop me having all the worries you have (and more tbh). But it is what it is.

I'm an only child and as I child I was probably ok but did wonder about the bond between my friends who had siblings.

I had everything I could have wanted materially, holidays, attention etc, but as I grew older and definitely as an adult I'd dearly love to have a sibling.

There is no one to understand my childhood, my parents or experiences. There is no one to share memories with, good and bad. There's no one to check things out with regarding my parents, their behaviour, health difficulties etc. I have my husband and children who are wonderful but there's no one that truly understands or has shared my experiences. No one who remembers my life as a child and knows my parents as I do. It's extremely lonely.

By coincidence I have five friends who are also only children and every single one of us feels exactly the same.

If you can have another child, please do. If not for now, but for their sake in the future.

I have one, by choice, and have certainly had lots of comments about 'selfishness' down the years, usually from total strangers. Weirdly, far more common in the part of rural England I lived in last than anywhere else I've lived since having DS (almost 10).

Look, there will be swings and roundabouts to either decision. There's no 'right' one. I'm not in the least downplaying the difficulties of only children dealing solo with ageing or ill parents, but I do often also think that some of those posters have an overly-idealistic view of having siblings -- not even just in terms of practical help and support, but in terms of a shared childhood etc. I'm the eldest of four, and it was a deeply un-ideal childhood because the resources (not just money, but space, time, individual attention etc) weren't there. We're not close as adults, in part because being overcrowded as children meant we've all become people who really cherish their own space. Also, the other three have chosen not to have children.

@Fromdeepestperu

I am an only child. I have to admit that the reasons I'd rather not be may well be more down to my mother's personality rather than my being an only child.

I was always the centre of attention and my parents have been overly invested in my life. At times, this has resulted in great support in difficult times. At other times, it has been intense and I've struggled to break free. Knowing that my parents hopes and dreams were/are solely pinned on me has often been a responsibility I'd rather not have.

In recent years as they've grown more frail and old, and my mother has developed serious MH problems, it has become exhausting and worrying being the only one they can really rely on to provide physical, practical and emotional support. This is frequently challenging alongside my own family and working full time.

If you decide to just have the one child then please bear all this in mind!

Sounds like you are in a really difficult situation but I’ve read so many threads on here about people whose siblings refuse to share the emotional or physical burden of caring for an elderly relative that I don’t think it’s good advice to suggest that being able to share the care of elderly parents is a good reason for having a second child.

I have one dc and its great.Its not selfish.

I'm the youngest of three, and have only one child.
I got on fine with my siblings as young children, less so as teens and young adults. I definitely don't consider that they have any meaningful impact in my life as an adult. We live in different parts of the country and all have very different personalities and priorities. I love them both and my neices and nephews but my life would be no different if I was an only.

Ds is 10 and while sometimes it would be nice to have a sibling for company (if they got on which isn't a given!) he's a really happy kid who is loved, secure and confident. We are able to afford a lifestyle we probably wouldn't if we had another and give him experiences that enrich all of our lives. I'm happy with the choice we made to stick at one.

Don't even think twice about the selfish comments. You can never win with this stuff. Selfish if you have no children. Selfish if you have one child. Selfish if you have too many children.

Just ignore the bullshit that comes out peoples mouths and do whatever you and your partner think it's best for your family.

There's never a guarantee the siblings will like each other. My mum and dad both have siblings, my mum speaks to all of hers, my dad speaks to none of his. They never got on. I think my mums siblings are more similar to each other, whereas my dad's are not. Probably something to do with it.

Have another child if you want another child, not because you don't want your child to be lonely. They could be lonely even if you have 10.

the problem also is that people who come from sibling families would also be giving perspective from different backgrounds - you are asking about a second, whereas some who answer come from 4 siblings, scarce resources...depends also on what is your situation really? can you afford it? will you stop at 2?

There is no one to understand my childhood, my parents or experiences. There is no one to share memories with, good and bad. There's no one to check things out with regarding my parents, their behaviour, health difficulties etc.

You can have that happen with siblings. My parents both went through things (an extra marital affair and being sectioned/suicide attempts) during my GCSE and A-Level years.

My younger siblings were far less affected and don’t carry any of the issues I have about being forced to grow up very very quickly during my teenage years - we can’t share that burden.

I don’t really get along with my parents as a result yet they are very close to my siblings so it’s a totally mixed bag. My mother hasn’t spoken to any of her 4 siblings in over 25 years.

Only have one child here and couldn't be happier, for us it would be more selfish to have another child we didn't want because we felt we should. I have some good memories with my siblings growing up and some really, really crap ones that are still a burden on my life; but most of my happiest memories growing up are also with friends and family beyond siblings- he is very social and I don't think is poorer for not having a sibling. A part of the appeal which is perhaps selfish (but I'm happy to admit that) is that with one money isn't as tight as it would be, arranging childcare etc when needed isn't as tricky so to be honest it's easier to work and also if we want to go out, we can afford superficial things like going on better holidays- and if our financial situation changes we wouldn't struggling as much as if we have more than one. I think this extra stability along with the better opportunities are also of benefit to DS and not just us. This sounds really horrible but also the impact on him if we had another child who required a lot of our attention for health reasons would be equally loved and cherished of course, but have to consider the potential impact on his life now as well as ours.

Basically as long as its the right decision for you it's not selfish whatever you choose!

Loved being an only, now also just have one child. Why would anyone need siblings? Fine if you have them, but certainly not a necessity and definitely not selfish.

@Porridgeislife

There is no one to understand my childhood, my parents or experiences. There is no one to share memories with, good and bad. There's no one to check things out with regarding my parents, their behaviour, health difficulties etc.

You can have that happen with siblings. My parents both went through things (an extra marital affair and being sectioned/suicide attempts) during my GCSE and A-Level years.

My younger siblings were far less affected and don’t carry any of the issues I have about being forced to grow up very very quickly during my teenage years - we can’t share that burden.

I don’t really get along with my parents as a result yet they are very close to my siblings so it’s a totally mixed bag. My mother hasn’t spoken to any of her 4 siblings in over 25 years.

Yes I agree it's not as straight forward as having someone who has been through the same- most siblings have different experiences of the same events and upbringing, and also siblings can be the ones to bring trauma etc to a family unit. My brother is a heroine addict who has a plethora of other health issues and the expectation is very much that I should be supporting him financially- no thanks.

i think we will stick with one so we can afford holidays and other fun things!! that kind of stuff is important to me

I don't actually even care if it's "selfish!" id rather have a fun time and more money than more kids

My worry about only children is that you are setting up the next generation to have a very small extended family. I know a couple who were both only children...they now have two grown up children who have no aunties, uncles or cousins.

It’s not selfish- however I would say it’s actually much harder to have one child than two. I love my eldest but if she didn’t have a sister I’d feel obliged to eat every meal with her, play with her, go on every play date- and quite honestly I couldn’t do it.

I have an only child! Not by choice. She is so so lonely and bored of playing by herself, particularly on ‘family’ holidays. Lockdowns were hell: she didn’t speak to another child for half the year. I would never deliberately choose to do this to a child.

Once the toddler years are over, looking after one child is actually harder than looking after two, as they have no one to play with. You may be thinking that you’ll just do playdates, but this relies on other mums cooperating, which sadly isn’t usually the case. I try to do lots of playdates but so often people are busy doing family stuff. DD’s best friend isn’t even allowed to see us at weekends because they need her home playing with her own sister.

(Also my mum is an only child and all the burden and worry of what to do about her ill parents fell on her.)

Your sister was blunt, but also she was correct. Deliberately choosing to have a child with no siblings is selfish. You worry about the ‘state of the world’ - well you have a child now and whatever the state of the world is in future - war, climate change etc - looks like she’ll be facing it by herself. I’m sure she’d rather have a sibling!

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

It’s not selfish- however I would say it’s actually much harder to have one child than two. I love my eldest but if she didn’t have a sister I’d feel obliged to eat every meal with her, play with her, go on every play date- and quite honestly I couldn’t do it.

Right?! This is me!! We eat every meal together when she’s not at school, she follows me around non-stop complaining she’s bored, I play computer games with her, read with her, run around the garden with her, even sleep in her room at the moment because she’s scared of the dark and doesn’t want to wake alone. Parenting an only child is intense!!! I’m tired.

No - of course not, it’s about what’s right for your family. Many adults will tell you they enjoyed or felt entirely neutral about not having siblings. I know a fair few adult only children and I can’t think of one who has any huge issue with it.

As a very very broad rule, I think having siblings is usually preferable as another layer to your life. But that’s only overall - individually it depends on your circumstances.

I have a sister and we weren’t close when young and lived with our parents and we definitely aren’t close now, haven’t fallen out but have our own friends and interests.

If you can afford to have a second child then good.

I know plenty of siblings who are close and socialise together and to be honest I am a little envious of them.

Thewindwhispers so glad someone else said it- it’s so hard to have one- you see it every school hols all the only child parents request play dates- and yes we do play dates but I don’t wNt to do one every day

We are having only 1, it’s in part financial and in part age. But also I now actually feel we are complete as we are. There is no-one missing here and a second child needs to be wanted for themselves, not as a sibling “for” the existing child.

@Ivegottagoforaliedown I felt horribly broody again between 6 months and 18 months but now not at all. We had a pregnancy scare fairly recently and whilst we would’ve continued the pregnancy we were both crying in a not good way and felt enormous relief when I wasn’t pregnant. So that cemented it for us.

Your sister is an arse-people with no children spout all sorts of nonsense about what they will or won’t do and frequently change their tune when they actually have their own.

I'm an only child and I have an only child...both of us perfectly happy and well adjusted.

I'll admit I've struggled in the last few years dealing with elderly/unwell parents with no family backup, but tbh I know plenty of people who have siblings in that situation and it either gets left entirely to one, or there is so much fighting and aggro it doesn't make it any easier.

As for she thinks it is selfish to choose to have only one child. She has none of her own yet but wants two......I was adamant I wanted four until I had my DD!

DH and I each have a brother, neither of us is close to them. Despite this I'm really pleased not to be an only child. As you get older the family decreases in size, parents, aunts and uncles and now cousins die off. I have children of my own but life has been enriched by having a niece and sisters-in-law. When my mother was very elderly the pressure to make decisions and find care did not all fall on me. DH and ;his brother had some very difficult decisions to make and it helped that there were two of them.
My two sons get on well, it is great when we all meet up together. One son is very creative and the other very academic all this greatly enhances our lives.
The main reason I had two was an irrational feeling that as i'd learned all the skills you need to look after a baby with a lot of trial and error it seemed a shame not to do it again. I'm really pleased I did.