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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD 11 has been stealing our money to buy sweets every day

138 replies

Catkitkat · 22/03/2022 17:11

Some girls are selling sweets in school during lunch break and DD is their number one customer. We noticed some cash going missing and eventually put two and two together, and asked DD who then told us.

She has been eating at least an entire bag of maoam every day. I think you can see from my posting history that she has a real craving for sugar, and that we have had discussions with her about eating sugar straight out of the bag on the sly and so on.

To not drip feed:

  • we do allow sweets and treats, we keep this to the weekends for movie night or similar
  • DD restricts her eating at dinner time, she just picks at her food. We often cook her favourites, I’m a decent cook and I know she enjoys what I make
  • DD did a lot of secret eating during lockdown (cake mix, sugar, anything)
  • I haven’t weighed her recently but she was underweight as per the nhs paediatric bmi the last time (8 months ago?)

Reasons I don’t agree with the daily sweet buying and eating:

  • health/dental reasons
  • I believe she restricts her eating of dinner to allow for eating sweets. I feel this is disordered eating
  • she has spent about £80 with her enterprising friends at school 😱
  • she might be creating a horrible habit which she will struggle to break

What do we do? How do we help her? Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:
homeedregret · 22/03/2022 17:13

I assumed she was obese and this is why you were restricting food. As she is underweight, I wouldn't be restricting anything. She clearly has issues that need addressed, but I can only see harm rather than good in you restricting her sugar intake.

homeedregret · 22/03/2022 17:14

Have you spoken to GP? If not that would be my first port of call.

HollowTalk · 22/03/2022 17:16

First of all I'd report it to the school and get the girls selling it stopped. For your daughter to have spent £80 on sweets, they must have been raking it in - how did their parents not notice?

Then I'd ask for an appointment with her with a nutritionist. It is disordered eating but hopefully she's not too far down the path. I haven't seen your earlier threads, though.

Is she unhappy? Has anything happened to make her upset? Is it the start of puberty? Does she have good friends? Does she enjoy hobbies?

NumberTheory · 22/03/2022 17:18

I did this when I was about her age. Being caught stopped me. It didn't need anything else. I'm not really sure why I did it except it was so tempting and after I got away with it once I couldn't resist doing it again and again.

I was scrupulously honest in most otherways and am still. But I do have a really sweet tooth and that hasn't changed even though after getting caught I didn't buy sweets much until I was earning.

DementedPanda · 22/03/2022 17:19

Any worries about bulimia or another eating disorder? How's her teeth?

If not I'd stop all access to money until she's paid back what she stole. She's old enough to know that's wrong.

Horcruxe · 22/03/2022 17:21

Its really weird but eating sweets always made me feel full. And I never really yhaoned weight because I would eat less of the normal food.

So she may be underweight because she is eating sweets and not really eating much else.

jclm · 22/03/2022 17:27

Could you weigh her now (pretend it is for a car seat)? As 8 months ago is a long time.

Have you the money for a psychotherapist?

I agree with the previous poster, if she is underweight the advice is to get calories into them. You must never ever make a fuss about food in this circumstance. I am the mum of a tube fed child and my ex has severe anorexia. Big hugs

Moody123 · 22/03/2022 17:28

Do you think just limiting her may help
Maybe send her to school with 1/4 bag of maowams instead, and some fruit she likes (so she gets her sugar hit in other places)
I have a very high sweet tooth but I would try and limit my intake, not cut it out completely

Hellocatshome · 22/03/2022 17:30

In your shoes I would maybe let her hve more sweets/treats at home so they stop being the forbidden fruit. I know you say weekends and movie nights but how about 1 of the little bags of Haribo after school everyday. Not ideal but certainly better than what she is doing at the moment. Over time you can cut down to a few Haribo sweets in a bowl with straeberries/grapes etc. As for the money she would be doing chores to replace what has been taken and I would definitely call the school as this shouldn't be happening.

DuckyNoMates · 22/03/2022 17:31

@HollowTalk

First of all I'd report it to the school and get the girls selling it stopped. For your daughter to have spent £80 on sweets, they must have been raking it in - how did their parents not notice?

Then I'd ask for an appointment with her with a nutritionist. It is disordered eating but hopefully she's not too far down the path. I haven't seen your earlier threads, though.

Is she unhappy? Has anything happened to make her upset? Is it the start of puberty? Does she have good friends? Does she enjoy hobbies?

Why should the girls stop? It's very enterprising.
sanityisamyth · 22/03/2022 17:33

@DuckyNoMates my sister was excluded for selling "ecstasy" tablets at her school. In reality, she'd stolen my multivitamin and iron tablets and was selling them for £5 each. It might be enterprising, but it's still a slippery slope! My sister ended up doing 15 months in prison for GBH ...

Lockheart · 22/03/2022 17:33

Report it to school.

Stop her access to money - if you know she's been stealing it you presumably know how.

I agree with above poster about not making a fuss, and you can do both of these things without alerting her to the fact you know.

You should also be careful about how you store food in the house if she's eating e.g. cake mix straight from the box! If it's got to that stage and it's a real compulsion / addiction, I would try to get her professional help to deal with the sugar cravings.

Unsureaboutit9 · 22/03/2022 17:33

If she’s underweight there’s no need to restrict treats to the weekend, that won’t be helping her choices at all, you are too controlling with sugar even though she’s not over weight, and so she tries to drag control back because kids love sugar. You need to worry about her current habit of not eating enough generally rather than the possibility of a future problem with sugar.

Hopefully being caught will be enough to help, I’d ground her for stealing but not further punish her with regards to treats. I’m not going to advise on her general eating habits though cos I’m sure you’ve tried all the obvious stuff like getting her involved in shopping and cooking. Has she a doctor?

Hellocatshome · 22/03/2022 17:36

Why should the girls stop? It's very enterprising
Because for 1 it will be against school rules and 2 it ends up with situations like this.

MargaretThursday · 22/03/2022 17:44

Speaking as someone who was similar, although I never stole money to get sweets:

It's not about the sugar, or even the sweets. It's about having a bit of money to go and choose your own sweets and be able to get them and share them with friends.

My parents would have said that we got chocolate at the weekend. We did. 3 pieces of chocolate after lunch on Sunday. In some ways that's lovely.

But what I loved to do was be able to choose what I wanted-and yes, that did include those sweets my parents deemed "toothrotters and yucky"- probably especially those sweets. 😁
It was partially about joining in with friends and being like others.

What I would do:

  1. Tell her you've caught her.
  2. Explain that she has to earn the money back. Choose something, or make a list of jobs and the "amount" of money per job and the total she needs to earn. Don't make it too difficult or she'll give up.
  3. Agree with her pocket money. If she wishes to pay it all out on sweets-fine, don't complain. It's her money.
  4. We had a "sweet tax" in our house. Basically if they wanted to use their pocket money for something we thought was good (eg a book) we'd agree to pay a certain amount towards it. So they'd think "hmm 50p of sweets, or colouring pencils worth £1.50. Pencils... all the way."
  5. Let them have a choice in the chocolate/sweets for your movie nights. That doesn't mean giving them free reign over the choice all the time, but just saying to them "this or that" or "any thoughts this week, what would you like". If you feel you're sometimes allowed what you like then you don't need to be sneaky to get it.
stimpyyouidiot · 22/03/2022 17:54

@Unsureaboutit9

If she’s underweight there’s no need to restrict treats to the weekend, that won’t be helping her choices at all, you are too controlling with sugar even though she’s not over weight, and so she tries to drag control back because kids love sugar. You need to worry about her current habit of not eating enough generally rather than the possibility of a future problem with sugar.

Hopefully being caught will be enough to help, I’d ground her for stealing but not further punish her with regards to treats. I’m not going to advise on her general eating habits though cos I’m sure you’ve tried all the obvious stuff like getting her involved in shopping and cooking. Has she a doctor?

Agree with this!
DaffTheDoggo · 22/03/2022 18:01

Agree with @MargaretThursday.

Wouldntitbenicetobeinyourshoes · 22/03/2022 18:08

We used to get off the bus and spend some of our dinner money in the bakery at that age on jam doughnuts. We would then buy sweets from the tuck shop at break time, it was just a phase we went through.

mumda · 22/03/2022 18:09

Underweight and a serious sugar problem?
Much more going on here.

1forAll74 · 22/03/2022 18:11

She is probably just going with the flow, being able to get sweets in the school environment,. I suppose others do it too. She will obviously not want to eat proper stuff at home, if full up with junky sweets every day, it will likely be a quick fix habit now. to help her stop feeling hungry, and the need to not eat properly at home...... But the stealing of money for stuff, needs to be addressed. no money, no treats.

DuckyNoMates · 22/03/2022 18:11

[quote sanityisamyth]@DuckyNoMates my sister was excluded for selling "ecstasy" tablets at her school. In reality, she'd stolen my multivitamin and iron tablets and was selling them for £5 each. It might be enterprising, but it's still a slippery slope! My sister ended up doing 15 months in prison for GBH ...[/quote]
Yes but if its just sweets I don't see the problem

DuckyNoMates · 22/03/2022 18:12

@Hellocatshome

Why should the girls stop? It's very enterprising Because for 1 it will be against school rules and 2 it ends up with situations like this.
If its against the rules then fine, stop it. 2. Is not a good enough reason, it's not their fault she's stealing. And presumably they don't know she's stealing.
99pronouns · 22/03/2022 18:13

Sounds like you need to allow her more sweets at home/when she's out?

SafelySoftly · 22/03/2022 18:14

Surely the first and main step is a huge amount of punishment for stealing money from you. Put a stop to that, keep a much closer eye on her and the rest will follow.

Bagelsandbrie · 22/03/2022 18:15

Restricting treats to the weekend is causing the issue. Way too harsh, especially as she’s underweight etc. Allow something every day. I think more eating issues are caused by parents restricting things and making them the forbidden fruit rather than just letting children self regulate.