DD 11 has been stealing our money to buy sweets every day

[Catkitkat]

Some girls are selling sweets in school during lunch break and DD is their number one customer. We noticed some cash going missing and eventually put two and two together, and asked DD who then told us.

She has been eating at least an entire bag of maoam every day. I think you can see from my posting history that she has a real craving for sugar, and that we have had discussions with her about eating sugar straight out of the bag on the sly and so on.

To not drip feed:

• we do allow sweets and treats, we keep this to the weekends for movie night or similar
• DD restricts her eating at dinner time, she just picks at her food. We often cook her favourites, I’m a decent cook and I know she enjoys what I make
• DD did a lot of secret eating during lockdown (cake mix, sugar, anything)
• I haven’t weighed her recently but she was underweight as per the nhs paediatric bmi the last time (8 months ago?)

Reasons I don’t agree with the daily sweet buying and eating:

• health/dental reasons
• I believe she restricts her eating of dinner to allow for eating sweets. I feel this is disordered eating
• she has spent about £80 with her enterprising friends at school 😱
• she might be creating a horrible habit which she will struggle to break

What do we do? How do we help her? Any advice gratefully received!

Could she be diabetic? My DD's friend used to crave sugary drinks all the time and was as skinny as anything.

Turned out she had diabetes.

Is she in year 7? I think this is quite common when they start being a bit more independent and making their way to school etc.

@mumda

Underweight and a serious sugar problem? Much more going on here.

That's what I was thinking.

@Catkitkat is she always thirsty and drinking a lot?

I’d really be more worried about the stealing and the lying if I was you.
I presume there have been suitable consequences for this??

I did a similar thing at this age. I think it was a result of puberty-related sugar cravings and mental health issues due to being unhappy at school. My mother found out, I was mortified and never did it again.

I do think it is worth trying to get to the bottom of why she does it. She may not be able to tell you, so it may take patience and careful questioning and discussion.

I was restricted with food when I was younger as my parents couldn’t afford sweets etc. So I binged and still binge now I’m not over weight I just don’t eat sensible food. With my children they are allowed to eat what they want, when they want so they learnt to regulate there food and always eat breakfast, dinner and tea. As I haven’t made it a issue they don’t see it as one. When we are told not to do something but we want to do it then it becomes more desirable.

@homeedregret

I assumed she was obese and this is why you were restricting food. As she is underweight, I wouldn't be restricting anything. She clearly has issues that need addressed, but I can only see harm rather than good in you restricting her sugar intake.

I’m not restricting food?

@DementedPanda

Any worries about bulimia or another eating disorder? How's her teeth?

If not I'd stop all access to money until she's paid back what she stole. She's old enough to know that's wrong.

Teeth were fine at a recent check up, thankfully.

We are stopping access to cash, it’s an unnecessary temptation until we have figured this out. And yes, she is going to earn back what she took from us.

First of all I'd report it to the school and get the girls selling it stopped. For your daughter to have spent £80 on sweets, they must have been raking it in - how did their parents not notice?

My child I currently doing this. I have no plan to stop him. He is too young for me 'proper job' and I think it shows initiative. He does know he has to take the punishment if school are unhappy. I know he makes money but it's not his or my place to police his customers money.

As fir the girl, please do check for diabetes. Then punish the stealing rather than the eating.

Hormonal related sugar cravings are a thing . Could it be that?

I used to eat sweets because my parents were so restrictive and made them “a treat”’which is an unhealthy message for you to be sending her. You are basically setting her up to comfort eat because she will always think sweets equals fun times, sweets equals special occasions ect. It’s a common trap parents fall into x

No food should be a ‘treat’ or ‘reward’ ever. This is written by a Pediatrician and Pediatric Gastroenterologist. By restricting sugar and only allowing it as a treat you get to this point where she won’t eat anything else.

@Unsureaboutit9

If she’s underweight there’s no need to restrict treats to the weekend, that won’t be helping her choices at all, you are too controlling with sugar even though she’s not over weight, and so she tries to drag control back because kids love sugar. You need to worry about her current habit of not eating enough generally rather than the possibility of a future problem with sugar.

Hopefully being caught will be enough to help, I’d ground her for stealing but not further punish her with regards to treats. I’m not going to advise on her general eating habits though cos I’m sure you’ve tried all the obvious stuff like getting her involved in shopping and cooking. Has she a doctor?

We have type 2 diabetes in the family. She needs to have healthy eating habits for life, and I feel it’s my job to guide her towards that. It’s had absolutely devastating consequences for other family members so I’m keen to support my DC in any way I can.

However I don’t want to create too much focus on food, which is why we don’t make a big deal out of avoiding sugar at all costs.

@MargaretThursday

Speaking as someone who was similar, although I never stole money to get sweets:

It's not about the sugar, or even the sweets. It's about having a bit of money to go and choose your own sweets and be able to get them and share them with friends.

My parents would have said that we got chocolate at the weekend. We did. 3 pieces of chocolate after lunch on Sunday. In some ways that's lovely.

But what I loved to do was be able to choose what I wanted-and yes, that did include those sweets my parents deemed "toothrotters and yucky"- probably especially those sweets. 😁
It was partially about joining in with friends and being like others.

What I would do:

1. Tell her you've caught her.
2. Explain that she has to earn the money back. Choose something, or make a list of jobs and the "amount" of money per job and the total she needs to earn. Don't make it too difficult or she'll give up.
3. Agree with her pocket money. If she wishes to pay it all out on sweets-fine, don't complain. It's her money.
4. We had a "sweet tax" in our house. Basically if they wanted to use their pocket money for something we thought was good (eg a book) we'd agree to pay a certain amount towards it. So they'd think "hmm 50p of sweets, or colouring pencils worth £1.50. Pencils... all the way."
5. Let them have a choice in the chocolate/sweets for your movie nights. That doesn't mean giving them free reign over the choice all the time, but just saying to them "this or that" or "any thoughts this week, what would you like". If you feel you're sometimes allowed what you like then you don't need to be sneaky to get it.

Thanks. I agree with all of this. They are choosing their own treats already

I agree it’s your job to guide her towards that, I just think they way you are handling it could be having the opposite affect, maybe meeting in the middle could help her actually form those good habits?

@mumda

Underweight and a serious sugar problem? Much more going on here.

Such as? I am going to speak with someone about this, either the GP or a nutritionist, and I’d love to come prepared with some thoughts around this

@1forAll74

She is probably just going with the flow, being able to get sweets in the school environment,. I suppose others do it too. She will obviously not want to eat proper stuff at home, if full up with junky sweets every day, it will likely be a quick fix habit now. to help her stop feeling hungry, and the need to not eat properly at home...... But the stealing of money for stuff, needs to be addressed. no money, no treats.

I can’t see why she would feel hungry, she has a good breakfast and she has a choice between buying food in the cafeteria or a packed lunch which we decide on and pack together

@99pronouns

Sounds like you need to allow her more sweets at home/when she's out?

No, it really doesn't.

@elbea

No food should be a ‘treat’ or ‘reward’ ever. This is written by a Pediatrician and Pediatric Gastroenterologist. By restricting sugar and only allowing it as a treat you get to this point where she won’t eat anything else.

I’m aware of this and I agree with it. I realise it sounds like we are making a big deal out of not eating sweets during the week and then ceremoniously allowing them treats on weekends but I promise it’s a much more organic process than that, treats can and do happen during weeks also, we have pudding after dinner and so on, I am very careful not to group foods into bad/good, ever since they were toddlers

@DaphneSprucesPippasClack

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

How though?

The above was to a poster who said I am giving my daughter an eating disorder.

I did this when I was about her age. Being caught stopped me. It didn't need anything else. I'm not really sure why I did it except it was so tempting and after I got away with it once I couldn't resist doing it again and again.

Me too. My downfall was a Christmas edition star shaped packet of Revels which I never even ate but my mum found them, worked out where the money came from. (her purse) and threatened to take me to the police station which was across the road from us and then I'd be up in juvenile Court

Worked like a charm as I was devastated that she thought badly of me.

@Mumdiva99

First of all I'd report it to the school and get the girls selling it stopped. For your daughter to have spent £80 on sweets, they must have been raking it in - how did their parents not notice?

My child I currently doing this. I have no plan to stop him. He is too young for me 'proper job' and I think it shows initiative. He does know he has to take the punishment if school are unhappy. I know he makes money but it's not his or my place to police his customers money.

As fir the girl, please do check for diabetes. Then punish the stealing rather than the eating.

Definitely not punishing the eating

This is me a child and teenager!

I ended up having an eater disorder when I was older as I couldn’t self regulate, I never learnt how to. I didn’t have open access to sweets so it caused me massive issues when I had my own money. I would gorge on unhealthy foods.

I wouldn’t restrict any foods but set rules that all meals must be eaten (be weary that it shouldn’t be clean plates but a decent attempt each time) If they aren’t eating meals then treats get restricted, but if meals are being eaten then allow open access to treats. This will help her self regulate and learn habits for when she leaves home.