DD 11 has been stealing our money to buy sweets every day

[Catkitkat]

Some girls are selling sweets in school during lunch break and DD is their number one customer. We noticed some cash going missing and eventually put two and two together, and asked DD who then told us.

She has been eating at least an entire bag of maoam every day. I think you can see from my posting history that she has a real craving for sugar, and that we have had discussions with her about eating sugar straight out of the bag on the sly and so on.

To not drip feed:

• we do allow sweets and treats, we keep this to the weekends for movie night or similar
• DD restricts her eating at dinner time, she just picks at her food. We often cook her favourites, I’m a decent cook and I know she enjoys what I make
• DD did a lot of secret eating during lockdown (cake mix, sugar, anything)
• I haven’t weighed her recently but she was underweight as per the nhs paediatric bmi the last time (8 months ago?)

Reasons I don’t agree with the daily sweet buying and eating:

• health/dental reasons
• I believe she restricts her eating of dinner to allow for eating sweets. I feel this is disordered eating
• she has spent about £80 with her enterprising friends at school 😱
• she might be creating a horrible habit which she will struggle to break

What do we do? How do we help her? Any advice gratefully received!

OP I haven't seen your other threads so don't know if this has long since been excluded, but to me a child craving sugar enough to eat it pure (yuck) and still being underweight suggests something wrong with their metabolism, or else a very complex behavioural problem.

The stealing is shit ( speaking from experience) but I'd keep punishment measured and focus on getting the sugar craving investigated.

My cupboards have crisps, sweets, chocolate, fruit, cereal bars etc and if they want to eat ten bags of crisps they easily can but they don’t because it’s not a treat or they aren’t being told you can only have one thing a day. A lot of the time they don’t have any snacks but it’s up to them. They don’t need to sneak food which I know one of my friends child does they sneak downstairs in the middle of the night and gorges on everything because they are only allowed one thing a day but they get found out as so much food is missing but she won’t see that and still restricts food. I have always done this with my kids so they know no different.

When my mum was a child, my grandmother thought that you looked "poor" if your children were skinny, so she fed her up as much as possible and she struggled with her weight her while life.

As a result, when we were children, she went the complete opposite way and restricted any 'junk" food completely, we were allowed a very small chic bar once a month after swimming, but that was it. No feed between meals ever. Not even fruit. I was the only kid in school who didn't have anything to eat at break time.

So when I was old enough to get pocket money, I spent it all on sweets, crisps, chocolate etc. I even stole money from my parents' savings jar to get sweets on the way to school. And I have had a ln eating disorder ever since. I am overweight and have ridiculous cravings for junk food, even now at the ripe old age of 43.

I decided to try and find a balance with my kids. We have "junk food" in the house. They're allowed one pack of crisps/choc bar/other unhealthy snack a day, and at allowed to help themselves to fruit or vegetables. We also talk a lot about what is healthy and for them most part, they self regulate.

Whereas I am still overweight and still struggle to self regulate.

I would address the stealing separately to the food issue. Give her a bit more freedom (and education on healthy food) and she may well suprise you. If you restrict it to once a week, she will do everything she can to get more.

Ugh, so many typos!

OP - I had something similar as a child and I could not control this addiction. I was almost feral in my need to consume chocolate, sweets and cake, it carried all the way through my life until I hit my 40s. I did nothing different but my addiction slowly went away. It wasn't until my 50s that I could ignore a chocolate bar.

Try therapy for addiction. Try getting blood tests to see if anything is off kilter but looking back mine seem linked to start of puberty and perimenopause. I was also extremely cold during this time period, never as a young child (normal body temp) or now ( hot flushes). If I could turn back time I would be begging for my hormones to be checked. I half think that my need for sugar was because my body was crying out for quick fuel so it could get warm but proper food just didn't have what it took iyswim

I remember as a teenager “lunch” of a mars bar, bag of crisps and a can of coke was entirely normal. None of us were overweight, it was the quick sugar and carb boost we needed. Better than sandwiches or a tasteless school dinner, and more filling.

What should she be doing for lunch, school dinners? Packed lunch? Does she have pocket money?

I’d be inclined to have her earn her own money. Then it stops the stealing, and she may be more reluctant to spend “her” money. Although as long as she eats relatively well outside of school, i wouldn’t be too fussed about lunch. If she’s allowed a pack up I’d maybe make it a bit more “junky” and throw crisps and a chocolate bar in.

Could your DD just be trying to befriend the girls selling the sweets? It’s just a thought but could she be buying sweets as a way to interact with them?

I see that you've had issues with sugary foods with her but is there a chance this could be more of a self-esteem/self-confidence thing?

However I don’t want to create too much focus on food, which is why we don’t make a big deal out of avoiding sugar at all costs.

That's not what I'm hearing.

I did this as a child. I didn't want the sweets. I just found eating them comforting. As an adult I can see it was a cry for help because I was miserable and had very little that I could control.
Maybe your daughter wants to eat sweets. But maybe something else is going on.

@WonderfulYou

I’m surprised you seem worried about the amount of sugar she’s eating rather than the fact she’s been stealing off you.

I’d give her a set amount of pocket money to buy on sweets - she can buy it off this girl or go to the shop it’s up to her.
That way you’re not denying her any sweets (as that will make her crave them more) but you’re also letting her do it sensibly.

It’s difficult to express myself in a post. Im not more worried about the sugar but since this is the reason she took money, and also because there is a bit of history of eating sugary things, I’m obviously going to have to consider it.

@urbanbuddha

However I don’t want to create too much focus on food, which is why we don’t make a big deal out of avoiding sugar at all costs.

That's not what I'm hearing.

It’s hard to sum up family life in a few posts I guess…

I didn’t grow up here, I grew up in a country where school lunches didn’t even include fruit, let alone biscuits or pudding (packed lunches are not a thing in my home country). It’s totally alien to me that crisps/treats/biscuits/sweets would be consumed on a daily basis. This doesn’t mean I mind my children being served pudding every day in (primary) school, when in Rome… it’s just that I never even considered including these things when I make a packed lunch or when I feed my children at home.

I’m going to reread this thread more carefully but I almost feel like many posters have implied that I am restricting food, and that I have thereby encouraged an obsession with sweets and snacks in my daughter, if not an actual eating disorder. I obviously don’t see it this way, I don’t think it’s controversial to object to an 11yo consuming a large bag of sweets on a daily basis, and to feel concerned that she wants it so much that she is prepared to steal my sister change to buy it

One post really struck a chord with me though, I think I’ve overlooked an important fact. She has adhd, we’ve been on a waiting list to start treatment but finally we have a date now. I’m looking forward to discussing this at her appointment. So thank you

*spare not sister

Have you taken her to a gp lately? I’d wonder if it’s worth running some blood tests to make sure she’s not deficient in anything. Just say she’s craving sweets and not really eating much else - don’t make too big a deal out of it.

Now that your daughter's 11 you could have a more adult chat with her about why it's important not to eat too much sugar. I agree it's a concern - it's added to so many foods and people eat too much.

My son has possible add. He steals sweet food. (And also is a fruit addict). Also slim. I think it is connected, but will ask more when we have appointment. I did find some info on a US site saying there was a link. Don’t know if it’s related to the high ( dopamine) rush you get from sugar, poss compensating for how he feels down with self, re school, low self-esteem (typical with ADHD) etc?

@Catkitkat I am with you 100% .
Restricting crap is not restricting food. I am from Monaco and I can't believe what kids eat here in Australia. Crisp and other snacks are party food one eats at a birthday or other parties, not a daily food. Maybe yes to a couple of biscuits or a pain au chocolate fresh from the bakery until the age of 12, but lollies no way. We don't have the crap drawer in the kitchen , chocolate bars of all sizes, treats, ...
Watch some sugar movies with her, plenty available on YouTube on how manufacturers hook young people.
Focus your reply on how she has fallen victim of a sugar addiction and in the same way a drug addicts steaks their parents, she stole to get her sugar fix. It is not surprising given all we know about sugar and you are sorry, and that you are going to solve this together. She will still be punished for stealing.

Food environment in Anglo-Saxon countries is crazy, and unhealthy eating from the earliest age is normalised.

11 year olds don't have much control over their lives. Its completely standard to want to exert what control over their own lives they can. By removing all (approved/ legitimate) access to money you've removed one of the very few things she's free to make her own decisions about.

Eating disorders are mental health disorders and are usually about feeling out of control/ extreme anxiety at root. They can go hand in hand with neurodiversity too for exactly this reason - anxiety about not being in control.

Often all children can control is what they eat and drink (and toileting/ vomiting - hence toileting issues in toddlers and abuse of laxatives and bulimia in older children and teens).

Give her pocket money and address the stealing. Let her be in control of £2 per week which she probably will spend on sweets. People who have no control and no access to money seek those things any way they can. You've cut off her options, making the stealing unsurprising.

I did this when I was young OP. I didn't grow up in poverty or without healthy meals being constantly cooked for me but I didn't really have many treats of any kind, unless it was a Saturday. And ny treats I mean 'just because' things like mum had seen a new tshirt she knew I would like, or have a takeaway pizza or fun bubble bath.
I was also quite skinny and burned off a lot of energy so I probably was undertaking undertaking trying to stuff calories in where I could.

You sounds very nice OP and like a good mother, but a bit on the controlling side when it comes to food.

For what its worth, as an adult now I'm not that bothered about sweets and just eat what I fancy when I'm hungry (and treat myself quite often to nice bubble baths and things!!) I've never been overweight and have always had a bmi of 19-21

[quote sanityisamyth]@DuckyNoMates my sister was excluded for selling "ecstasy" tablets at her school. In reality, she'd stolen my multivitamin and iron tablets and was selling them for £5 each. It might be enterprising, but it's still a slippery slope! My sister ended up doing 15 months in prison for GBH ...[/quote]
For selling iron tablets? Riiiight....

I don’t think it’s controversial to object to an 11yo consuming a large bag of sweets on a daily basis, and to feel concerned that she wants it so much that she is prepared to steal my sister change to buy it

I think you’re misunderstanding what people are saying, OP. No one is saying that eating that quantity of sweets is unconcerning or that stealing is ok- quite the opposite, it’s very worrying.

Eating things in secret (as your daughter was in lockdown and still is, by “secretly” getting the money for sweets) is often associated with feelings of shame. This can be rooted in growing up in a household where certain foods were seen as bad or wrong- the child still wants them and feels they’re doing something bad in wanting them or eating them, and so does so in secret, which in turn makes them feel worse, rinse and repeat.

The hope is that relaxing a bit about it all takes away that shame and might help your daughter develop her own ability to moderate- ie the outcome will be eating far fewer sweets, not more, and generally being happier.

I was struck by you mentioning family members with diabetes. I can see that you’re worried about the possibility of a genetic propensity but I’d urge you not to make a big deal of this to your daughter who is still very young. The danger is that you create a self-fulfilling prophecy by setting up a cycle of binging and restricting.

I’d also second the suggestions of a GP visit to rule out type 1 diabetes, hyperthyroidism and anything else.

You would like a lovely and very caring mum and I wish you well.

You've touched on this in one of your last posts, but we have the same issues with my son stealing sweet food and money to buy sweets . He has adhd and it improves dramatically when he is on Ritalin (which we have started recently because of various other issues exacerbating the adhd problems. However he was slightly overweight and is now losing weight (common side effect) so personally I would steer clear of the Ritalin, but look closer at how to address the impulse / sweet food issues in other ways.

I don’t think it’s controversial to object to an 11yo consuming a large bag of sweets on a daily basis, and to feel concerned that she wants it so much that she is prepared to steal my sister change to buy it

Nobody is saying that you can't object to her behaviour, but when parents restrict access to food and money, children are going to do what they can to access that stuff - especially if all their friends have access to pocket money and sweets.

My parents went down the road of massively restricting my access to any "junk" food and honestly, it backfired. As soon as I had free access to my own money, that's all I bought because I'd never had it growing up and it felt like a huge treat/reward to be able to have it everyday.

I'd be wondering what's causing her to go to the extremes of stealing in order to get sweets. What sweet stuff does she have access to at home? When she was growing up, did she have access to stuff like that or was it strictly "party food only"?

Does she get her own pocket money so she can go out and make her own choices when it comes to food?

If she was able to make some bad choices and buy those things legitimately, she may not feel the need to go behind your back and steal.

The “would” in my post should be “sound”!

[quote Cormoran]@Catkitkat I am with you 100% .
Restricting crap is not restricting food. I am from Monaco and I can't believe what kids eat here in Australia. Crisp and other snacks are party food one eats at a birthday or other parties, not a daily food. Maybe yes to a couple of biscuits or a pain au chocolate fresh from the bakery until the age of 12, but lollies no way. We don't have the crap drawer in the kitchen , chocolate bars of all sizes, treats, ...
Watch some sugar movies with her, plenty available on YouTube on how manufacturers hook young people.
Focus your reply on how she has fallen victim of a sugar addiction and in the same way a drug addicts steaks their parents, she stole to get her sugar fix. It is not surprising given all we know about sugar and you are sorry, and that you are going to solve this together. She will still be punished for stealing.

Food environment in Anglo-Saxon countries is crazy, and unhealthy eating from the earliest age is normalised.[/quote]
Right? In large parts of Europe children grow up without a junk drawer in the kitchen and daily crisps/chocolate etc. They don’t even sell those multi packs of mini crisps bags which are for eating on the go, or family packs of Kit Kats, at least not in the parts of Europe where I have lived. Children don’t have to grow up to be obsessed with these foods as adults as a result of having them as occasional treats for special occasions, instead of every day.

That’s why I am so surprised at the answers in this thread, particularly those which suggest that DD should increase her intake of food from this category from anywhere to daily after dinner chocolates up to unrestricted access. I’m not sure how I’d feel about the latter to be honest.