DD 11 has been stealing our money to buy sweets every day

[Catkitkat]

Some girls are selling sweets in school during lunch break and DD is their number one customer. We noticed some cash going missing and eventually put two and two together, and asked DD who then told us.

She has been eating at least an entire bag of maoam every day. I think you can see from my posting history that she has a real craving for sugar, and that we have had discussions with her about eating sugar straight out of the bag on the sly and so on.

To not drip feed:

• we do allow sweets and treats, we keep this to the weekends for movie night or similar
• DD restricts her eating at dinner time, she just picks at her food. We often cook her favourites, I’m a decent cook and I know she enjoys what I make
• DD did a lot of secret eating during lockdown (cake mix, sugar, anything)
• I haven’t weighed her recently but she was underweight as per the nhs paediatric bmi the last time (8 months ago?)

Reasons I don’t agree with the daily sweet buying and eating:

• health/dental reasons
• I believe she restricts her eating of dinner to allow for eating sweets. I feel this is disordered eating
• she has spent about £80 with her enterprising friends at school 😱
• she might be creating a horrible habit which she will struggle to break

What do we do? How do we help her? Any advice gratefully received!

@Wondergirl100

I think there is some cognitive dissonance in this country around sugar and it's visible here on Mumsnet.

Children who eat a treat a day - or who are allowed to help themselves from cupboards - are eating more sugar than they need. that is a fact. I say that as someone with very bad eating habits myself - and also as a parent I know my kids eat too much sugar. I'm not claiming to get it right myself.

but we have insanely high childhood obesity in the UK - over a third of 11 year olds. And you can also be very unhealthy and slim - the fat can pile up internally on your organs even in childhood.

There is clearly a sugary food crisis in this country but people come on here again and again to say the main issue is kids being denied treats. It just isn't true - children do not need a daily sugary snack or packet of crisps and the fact that many children do have this much (and more) is a key factor in poor child health in this country.

The OP is being attacked for worryinng about her daughter eating a packet of very sugarry sweets daily and stealing in order to do so - people are saying she needs to give her child more sweets to combat this!

The reality is children across the UK eat far far too much sugar and we all as a society need to tackle this.

There is a lot generally but when I compare what we have it’s not too bad. We’d have pudding every day when young, dc might have a biscuit now instead after dinner. Their food is less sugary when young but at secondary they do get more freedom and the chance to self regulate. As I’d prefer to know they can eat a small amount and stop

Re the op maybe it is too much which is part of the problem

@user1480097724

Before I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at 13, I was very underweight but craved sugar which, of course, made me more ill. I really hope that's not the case for your DD. Might be worth checking out any other symptoms.

Thanks, very helpful to know. A visit to the GP to hopefully rule this out is on my to do list now.

I just for the life of me can't understand why everyone is having the sugar debate instead of focussing on the disordered behaviour of a clearly very troubled little girl. Seriously OP you should be worried about your daughter's mental health and exploring that. Not judgey-pantsing away about Anglo Saxon profligate gluttony. When your child is stealing in order to binge that is really not the issue.

Children who eat a treat a day - or who are allowed to help themselves from cupboards - are eating more sugar than they need. that is a fact

Dd has had a dietician since she was about 7. They always said one treat a day is perfectly healthy, and should fall easily within the calorie needs of a normally active child. A normal diet being 80% cooked from scratch, whole foods.

The “obesity issue” is not down to one treat a day. It’s consistently eating more than that, lots of processed food, large portions- i remember a playdate where I’d made a large pizza and some garlic bread between three 5 year olds, one child said the norm for her would be the whole pizza to herself.

Kids also don’t burn off the calories. They get driven everywhere, they aren’t out playing in the streets with their mates every night. It’s not even about exercise, it’s NEAT- just general daily movement.

One treat a day is fine as long as the rest of the diet and lifestyle is in place. Obesity isn’t down to a child having a penguin or a chocolate bar after tea.

I remember your thread about your DD eating from the sugar bag ages ago. I think you said you were going to consult a Doctor then.

Why haven't you? I genuinely don't understand.

@OnceMoreWithoutFeeling

I just for the life of me can't understand why everyone is having the sugar debate instead of focussing on the disordered behaviour of a clearly very troubled little girl. Seriously OP you should be worried about your daughter's mental health and exploring that. Not judgey-pantsing away about Anglo Saxon profligate gluttony. When your child is stealing in order to binge that is really not the issue.

Not judging, just trying to explain myself! I’ve been told that I’ve created this issue because I restrict sugary foods so I thought it would be helpful if I explained this point a little. This is how I was brought up, it’s new to me to include certain items in packed lunches and so on, it was not something I actively decided not to do, it’s just habit. Not judging at all. I have friends who don’t restrict sweets at all, and I have friends who are into clean eating for the whole family and don’t allow as much as a slice of birthday cake at parties, I think I’m somewhere in between.

I also didn’t start this thread to discuss sugar, my concern is 100% focused on why DD is doing this, but as you can see the discussion has revolved a lot around eating habits as that seems to be what has caught people’s attention. The suggestion is that the solution lies in how and when DD has access to sweets, and that I have handled this issue all wrong. I am just responding to this. I am worried about her mental wellbeing, as that’s where I feel the issue lies, but a majority of posters have identified DDs diet as the culprit

@TheGrinchsDog

I remember your thread about your DD eating from the sugar bag ages ago. I think you said you were going to consult a Doctor then.

Why haven't you? I genuinely don't understand.

Because we had a long period with no issues in this department, DD has been talking with us about this and she said she no longer felt that urge once lockdown was over and she was able to go back to normal routines again. No more sugar has gone missing, we didn’t find any empty wrappers or packets around the house, and DD seemed happy. Besides she has an psychiatrist appointment coming up but there was a 10 month wait.

I wonder if the sugar / sweets cravings are a symptom of something else. Is she unhappy?

This sounds to me more like an impulse and instant gratification, which lots of children have; she’s only 11, and hasn’t worked out where to draw the line. Stealing is bad, but being caught met he enough to stop this. Treats are treats, not for every day, that’s why we save them for occasions and don’t eat them all the time. Be kind; she just needs a little reset, and guidance on her pocket money to choose carefully.

Fair enough @Catkitkat I assumed it was an ongoing issue not something that you thought had stopped.

Hopefully you'll get some help via the doctors. It does sound like self comforting behaviour of a sort to me, especially since it seemed to stop after lockdown.

It could be one of two things - she's underweight, doesn't need have a big appetite, and needs an energy fix during the day. Not exactly healthy but neither is being tired all the time and running on empty.

It could also be that everyone else's parents let them have sweets/pocket money and she wants to fit in (the thought of fitting in is the main driver for most 11 year olds).

Address two issues separately. Don't "justify" the stealing through dietary issues - she needs to know how unacceptable this is.

Review what she's eating, either yourself or through a consultation with a nutritionist, and make sure the little she does eat is filling and helps her store energy.

Your daughter sounds like me thirty years ago! Aside from the theft, which is a seperate issue.

I can’t offer any advice unfortunately and to be perfectly honest, not much has changed. I am almost 40 and still just love sweets and chocolate. I eat healthy aside from the copious amount of chocolate and sweets, and I’m not going to lie: some days I just eat three square meals of chocolate and haribo washed down with the finest instant coffee.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve let my children have free access to sweets and chocolate throughout their lives and they seldom have any interest in either. In fact all my teenagers seem to ever crave is roast chicken?!

If it reassures you even in the slightest; I did turn out ok. I have all my own teeth and only one filling, healthy weight, run marathons (I take 12 Mars bars when I run a marathon) and have a good, regular job (I’m the lawyer who’ll hide haribo sticks and lolly pops in her gown).

I hope you do manage to find a way to guide your dd into making healthier food choices as I can see that’s very important to you.

Review what she's eating, either yourself or through a consultation with a nutritionist

Not picking on you, but just wanted to make the point that it’s a registered dietician she needs to see.

Dietician is the protected title that only those who have a degree in the relevant area, plus professional qualifications and CPD, can use.

Anyone can set themselves up as a “nutritionist”. You might as well ask mumsnet as that’s about the level of expertise. You may get an odd one that knows what they’re on about, the rest will be spouting pseudoscience.