Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD 11 has been stealing our money to buy sweets every day

138 replies

Catkitkat · 22/03/2022 17:11

Some girls are selling sweets in school during lunch break and DD is their number one customer. We noticed some cash going missing and eventually put two and two together, and asked DD who then told us.

She has been eating at least an entire bag of maoam every day. I think you can see from my posting history that she has a real craving for sugar, and that we have had discussions with her about eating sugar straight out of the bag on the sly and so on.

To not drip feed:

  • we do allow sweets and treats, we keep this to the weekends for movie night or similar
  • DD restricts her eating at dinner time, she just picks at her food. We often cook her favourites, I’m a decent cook and I know she enjoys what I make
  • DD did a lot of secret eating during lockdown (cake mix, sugar, anything)
  • I haven’t weighed her recently but she was underweight as per the nhs paediatric bmi the last time (8 months ago?)

Reasons I don’t agree with the daily sweet buying and eating:

  • health/dental reasons
  • I believe she restricts her eating of dinner to allow for eating sweets. I feel this is disordered eating
  • she has spent about £80 with her enterprising friends at school 😱
  • she might be creating a horrible habit which she will struggle to break

What do we do? How do we help her? Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:
ExtraOnion · 22/03/2022 18:57

I am overweight .. I used to go to group counselling with over overweight women, ever single one of us had had food restricted when we were children.

CanYouRowRow · 22/03/2022 19:01

I did this as a child/teenager. It was like a compulsion and linked with a lot of shame. My mum had a disordered relationship with food which she passed down to me. Highly palatable foods were restricted and it made me crave them more. It set me up for years of being stuck in the binge-restrict cycle, which I've worked hard to heal from.

One of my children is particularly interested in food. She loves eating, preparing and talking about it. She can get very fixated on certain highly palatable foods (she's autistic). I've found buying these foods more and giving regular, predictable access eases their power and takes away from the "treat" factor.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2022 19:03

I presume the people saying sugar craving and asking if she is always thirsty are perhaps asking about diabetes. Type 1 I think makes you hungry though so not sure.

Cakesnbiscuit · 22/03/2022 19:06

@CanYouRowRow 100% I was the same. My kids have open access to all food. We talk about health and unhealthy foods etc how food fuels our bodies and I was really proud my 6 year old picked some fruit over a biscuit.

It’s taken me years to try and undo my binge eating cycle shame. I still really struggle. The treat factor is a massive thing for me. I’m sad / happy / upset deserve a treat, it’s all very limited to my emotions

Lorw · 22/03/2022 19:08

Can I just ask those of you who are saying don’t restrict sweets. Do you literally let them eat them whenever they want? What if one of them is overweight and the other underweight, do you give the one who is underweight full access but not the other? That would cause massive kick offs in this house.

I always give my SS pudding with their dinner (normally a yoghurt and fruit served on their tray with their dinner, on a Sunday it is always Gateaux or jam sponge etc) but don’t buy loads of cakes and sweets because we simply just can’t afford it. I’m rather worried I’m going to end up giving them an eating disorder now Confused

Gowithme · 22/03/2022 19:10

Me and my son are complete sugar addicts. I now buy Montezuma's 100% dark chocolate with mint (online), melt it down and mix in muesli or other sugar free cereal and make the no added sugar equivalent of rice crispy cakes. The also do a 100% dark bar with peanut butter and one with orange which are both really nice too. They really help control my sugar addiction.

glittereyelash · 22/03/2022 19:22

I find when you put restrictions on foods eg weekends only it increases cravings. We always have junk food in our house but because its readily available my son isn't that bothered and will eat a mix of things.

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/03/2022 19:23

Actually I think some people with type 2 are wired for carbs like alcoholics are to alcohol. . Dh has type 2 and used to eat so many carbs before diagnosis.

I mean, I like white bread as much as the next woman but he’ll live on carbs given the choice. I work in health care so I’ve seen the consequences too.

gamerchick · 22/03/2022 19:27

Craving sugar if I remember right means a need for protien. Hard to deal with if she craves sugar other than food. Protien shakes maybe.

Beautiful3 · 22/03/2022 19:34

She's underweight so.i wouldn't be restricting her food. I'd give her some sweets to take each day.

CanYouRowRow · 22/03/2022 19:34

@Lorw

Can I just ask those of you who are saying don’t restrict sweets. Do you literally let them eat them whenever they want? What if one of them is overweight and the other underweight, do you give the one who is underweight full access but not the other? That would cause massive kick offs in this house.

I always give my SS pudding with their dinner (normally a yoghurt and fruit served on their tray with their dinner, on a Sunday it is always Gateaux or jam sponge etc) but don’t buy loads of cakes and sweets because we simply just can’t afford it. I’m rather worried I’m going to end up giving them an eating disorder now Confused

The way we do it I'd have a really well stocked cupboard with crisps, sweets, chocolate biscuit bars etc. My children choose something everyday with their dinner. We might have additional puddings at other times but I've found the predictability of this approach works well for my eldest.

Every family is different. Every child is different. What works for one, won't for another.

My youngest has never been bothered about food like my oldest is. He eats well but can take or leave cake/biscuits etc.

Beautiful3 · 22/03/2022 19:37

My kids get to.choose a treat every day, to take to school. I have a box of small chocolate bars e.g. freddos, fruit winders, brunch bars, haribos and oat and sultana cookies.

User65412 · 22/03/2022 19:38

I too am interested to know if the posters saying not to limit the sweets mean literally, never? They can have what they want when they want? Unlimited sweets?

Eueike · 22/03/2022 19:41

We have an open house where the kids have plenty of access to anything they want. They take a bit of chocolate everyday and it’s never a big deal and they can take or leave it.

Eueike · 22/03/2022 19:43

They don’t choose crisps or biscuits though as they don’t like them. It’s always chocolate and only a reasonable amount. I don’t make a big deal out of it and they don’t either.

DaffTheDoggo · 22/03/2022 19:51

We have open access to everything (two teen DCs). DD has a biscuit or two every day, DS goes weeks without eating anything sweetened and then will have a friend round and between them eat a whole pack of biscuits- probably works out about the same overall and they are both very slim.

The foods they ask me to buy are fruit (DS) and salad and cheese (DD), never sweets and chocolate.

EKGEMS · 22/03/2022 19:53

I think if my kid was breaking into cake mixes and sugar and then stealing from me to gorge on junk food at school I'd speak to a doctor and perhaps get a referral to a therapist and I'd be concerned about deep seated anxieties and compulsive eating.

Nightmanagerfan · 22/03/2022 19:54

A friend of mine was like this - she ate spoons of golden syrup from the tin and got into trouble for it. She was stick thin. It turned out she has hyperthyroidism - when she was first checked her level was off the scale.

Cakesnbiscuit · 22/03/2022 19:56

@User65412 if my kids want a snack they can have a snack. I do sometimes say we are having lunch soon. The rules are you can snack but only if you eat your lunch / meal. If you think you might not be able to eat your lunch then a snack might not be a great idea. Maybe have your lunch and have a snack afterwards if your still hungry.

So it’s never you can’t have chocolate. I find being told I can’t have something more of a trigger of I need it and want it more. Only rule is we need eat our meals (I don’t have a clean plate policy more of a eat a good amount)

My kids know where the snacks are but these include healthier snacks too. I find they eat a mixture.

If my kids only ate chocolate and all the unhealthy snacks might be different 🤷‍♀️

KneadingKitty · 22/03/2022 20:05

I did this at the same age as your DD. I was very hungry though and also had a sugar addiction because our food quality was poor (obviously) and caused an addiction to carbs/sugars because that's what we could afford. Looking back I wasn't getting enough protein or fats so I was stuck in a cycle of carb/sugar craving.

Turns out I'm now 33 and still stuck in the same cycle except I'm now obese (though not always been). Likely because I still have the same addiction but access to money now. I'd talk to her Dr about it because I really wish I could break this, it's very very hard. I think, like others have said, that she's not getting the dopamine she craves from meals and gets it from sugar and highly palatable foods which is where the interest comes from.
I'd also suggest trying to find a new dopamine source if that's what she seems to chase (it's a common ADHD thing btw). I'm working on replacing my sources to stop linking happiness with eating, but it's so much harder to do now I'm older...

KneadingKitty · 22/03/2022 20:05

^ I meant to say I was in poverty and that's why our food quality was poor*

RedPanda901 · 22/03/2022 20:18

My DS is also 11 and the same as this. He has his own pocket money and debit card and hoards sweets. I'm hoping it's a phase as he's in year 7 and has more independence now. I don't tell him off too much as I don't want him to hide it from me but he has had issues with his teeth in the past. The responses have made me think what if he is diabetic?! He isn't an enthusiastic eater and is very slim but that's genetic as well. No real advice other than to try not to make it a treat but of course we all know it is. Following...

WonderfulYou · 22/03/2022 20:21

I’m surprised you seem worried about the amount of sugar she’s eating rather than the fact she’s been stealing off you.

I’d give her a set amount of pocket money to buy on sweets - she can buy it off this girl or go to the shop it’s up to her.
That way you’re not denying her any sweets (as that will make her crave them more) but you’re also letting her do it sensibly.

Arghhconfused · 22/03/2022 20:34

This was a classic sign of my eating disorder

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/03/2022 20:43

You don’t seem to want to take on any other views OP. What’s the point of posting?

Your daughter is 11, she’s nearly a teenager. You need to start to negotiate with her on this, not just impose your restrictions on her - because in about 5 minutes you will have increasingly little control over what she eats.

Restricting sweets to the weekend is a perfectly ok idea, but she is simply not playing ball with you - she’s picking at her food and nicking money. So have a conversation with her - say you are worried about her fondness for sugar, especially with the family history, plus it’s bad for teeth and skin etc, what does she think? Would a few pieces of chocolate after dinner work? Wanting something sweet after a meal is a universal human instinct, and the best time to eat sugar is after a meal because the protein and the rest of the food will slow down the absorption and avoid a sugar high.

You can win this battle probably, but you are going to loose the war very shortly unless you start treating her like someone with opinions of her own. You do sound v overbearing also, so depending on what sort of person she is, you may also damage your relationship long term.

Swipe left for the next trending thread