to be told my work burn out is my own fault?

[Menora]

Not posted for a long time but been here years.

I would like some advice as I feel like I have been gaslighted into taking all the blame for my work burn out by my manager.

I am in a senior management position in a fast paced, fairly stressful environment. I have worked in the industry for 20 years in various roles so I am not new to it. My manager is newer to the industry (4 years). Manager is very different to me in style and thought processes.

Manager doesn’t come to the office every day, and doesn't communicate what they are working on. I am in the office all the time, visible and contactable I never WFH. I feel like they dominate all my time through hundreds of small micromanagements, endless phone calls, messages, lots of repetitive meetings and questions and instructions. I can find this frustrating and time wasting.

Recently I have reached burn out, all the small micromanagements and noise from the dozens and dozens of daily calls and instructions have made me feel drowned and unproductive.

We spoke today and I tried to express myself, that I was feeling frustrated, burnt out, unproductive and needed to regroup myself somehow. I am working, but I am not working as well as I would like to be, my work-life balance was not ideal and I would like some quieter periods of space to focus.

Manager asked me to be very specific about what pieces of work were causing the burn out feelings, so I tried to start explaining that it was less about the work and more about general burn out/noise to be told the following:

-It had been noticed by people I wasn’t doing any work
-It wasn’t obvious what I am doing all day
-They don’t think I really have any work to do
-I am distracted and uncontactable
-They never WFH and are always visible
-They are picking up all my slack and protecting me from work I should be doing as I keep saying I am stressed
-I need to give them a list of all the jobs I should be doing for them to compare with
-I am too sensitive
-I get over involved in trivial matters
-I need to learn to not care about things as much

I feel even more depressed and demoralised now than I did. Is work burn out usually just all your own fault for being an oversensitive weakling? I mean if I am performing like this, why wait until I am on my knees to let me know?

Ask her to put the conversation in writing and make sure you agree on what has been said. Then see a union
There is stuff on the list you can prove such as being in the office.
Ask for a meeting with a union

Burn out is a result of working very hard and exacerbated when you have no support.

This sounds like my revolting bullying manager. She micro managed me to thr point I was off sick for 7 months. She wasnt capable of doing her own job and would bully, gas light, scream.

Get these allegations and your responses in writing. for each one have an example of what you did. For the allegations supposedly by others say you want documented evidence of each one.

Look for a new job. I bet you've got contacts from before her so hang onto them and see if they have anything or a project you can move to to get away from her.

YANBU! I could have written this. It's a worker's job market at the moment so do as I did and move on. Then you won't be burnt out anymore

This reminds me of a situation I was once in. I reported a senior colleague for bullying (me and others), it was common knowledge but management were shit and ignored it so I took it higher.

I was then invited to a meeting, my understanding was to update me on my complaint. Instead, I was told I was unapproachable and difficult to work with. I'd had several supervision sessions where this was never raised, so there was no record of it and they couldn't give me specifics examples. My manager would make us run around like headless chickens (NHS setting) while she browsed baby gear in her office for expectant DGC. We had this for as long as the pregnancy.

I knew the allegations weren't true as I asked several of my colleagues who I got along with but on top of the bullying, this knocked my confidence so I found another job.

If the allegations are correct, they need to give specific examples and explain why they haven't addressed this before now. However, if there's no truth in it, they may be arses and you're better off elsewhere.

Do you have a confidential counselling service you can access through work? It might be good to have someone neutral to sound off to. Good luck.

I also think that maybe you need someone neutral in the meeting. Many years ago my senior manager organized a meeting with me and my supervisor because she was concerned about all the complaints she'd heard about me from my supervisor. When I explained things from my perspective, the SM was really shocked and told the supervisor that her behavior was unacceptable but she just couldn't see it. I left soon after, but I always regretted not standing up for myself more, except for that one meeting. I suspect they still had issues with the supervisor, but I felt that I left under a cloud somewhat.

I did get some feedback: I am a natural problem solver and sometimes I just need to do the day job. Also I need to learn to listen to people and actually just listen to what they are saying and then I can read between the lines and ‘see the bigger picture’. The list I provided was obviously all the ‘noise’ (and not the micromanagement)

I just said hmm to all of this. I understand what people are saying about being honest but I think I am better biding my time and biting my tongue and getting out. Manager is never going to accept that they are part of the issue

@Menora

I did get some feedback: I am a natural problem solver and sometimes I just need to do the day job. Also I need to learn to listen to people and actually just listen to what they are saying and then I can read between the lines and ‘see the bigger picture’. The list I provided was obviously all the ‘noise’ (and not the micromanagement)

I just said hmm to all of this. I understand what people are saying about being honest but I think I am better biding my time and biting my tongue and getting out. Manager is never going to accept that they are part of the issue

I'm in the same boat tbh.

Getting out is the only answer that doesn't drain you to death.

My manager is new. I was doing fine when I had a manager who you could go to with a question about a nuanced problem. Now I am in a quagmire. My manager is never ever going to accept my work issues are manager issues.

I am looking for another job.

@Menora

I had coaching and also talked with a director. Both commented it’s seems to be a toxic parent/child type of relationship, where I am rebelling against being treated like a child. I have problems putting in boundaries sometimes - usually as I feel not listened to when I try to put a boundary in, it isn’t that I am not assertive but I don’t think I am respected by manager.

Coach is just helping me keep my cool until either I can leave or it improves.

I felt quite empowered after the session but feeling a bit disheartened and detached again now. I’m working through my drudge list, I’m also being left alone but to the other extreme where there is zero contact - it’s all or nothing! I feel like a storm is brewing too

This is interesting. I was in a situation where unhappy in my job, and also part time as you are. From my point of view, a large slice of where it all fell down was when management was being done in a from home or hybrid manner, mostly in screens and screens of chat bars and instant messaging. At the same time, I was frozen out, or maybe simply aware of being frozen out, of various areas that I hadn't been involved in because of not being present at the exact time they developed (also social time), and therefore clamped in a corner with one or two old work areas and working with only a tiny proportion of the team. This was isolating and a very different matter from a wide, demanding, but sociable workplace before the remote changes. I think this was fostered by the manager, but the group as much as anything poured fuel on the situation, probably unwittingly.

I also have a coach. It's a good resource and they should be in your corner, but if the problem is with your job role itself, then I am not sure they can fix a lot. Maybe muse on why you were NOT distressed and pushed beyond your line in the sand, in times when that was the case - that's what I've been doing.

@Jumperlark

Wow

I had almost identical comments from a manager in a previous role, especially other people notice you're not working/don't know what you're doing/trying to protect etc.

It absolutely destroyed my confidence and made that job a misery. I'd been there a year, and never in an previous jobs had anything but glowing feedback.

Ultimately I left, whatever the problem was it wasn't going to change.

In my new job regained my confidence and motivation, back to glowing feedback and feeling productive.

It was a real learning experience in how terrible at managing some managers are! I don't think it's you. It feels like awful feedback but a decent manager should never allow a member of staff to get into that situation.

You really need to leave as the manager won't change and it will ultimately damage you. You can be you again in a new job.

I had similar. Had always been good at my area of work. Went to a new workplace doing identical job and was bullied and criticized by the manager who insinuated my knowledge was poor. It was awful. I ended up leaving after six months and on anti-depressants. Went back to my old role ( very similar) with glowing praise again. It is totally demoralizing.

@Steelesauce

I get this. My (soon to be old) manager is like this. The minute you raise issues, she turns it back around. There is no simple discussion and finding solutions. It was like working with my narc ex. I've found a new job with what appears to be an empathetic manager.

I had one of those - makes you doubt yourself

@Bintymcbintface

Are you working properly or just faffing about? It's good that you went to your manager to speak about feeling burnt out and needing time to prioritise tasks but they can't have said that others have mentioned that you aren't really working and they're not sure what you're doing out of nowhere surely

Welcoming to the world of crap managers 😞

the directors plan for me to succeed my manager one day naturally at retirement so I am meant to be learning their role. I’m not though, I’m doing menial rubbish

Classic case of manager making themselves feel clever and worthwhile by putting down their potential successor. And ofcourse by undermining up relentlessly yhe back story is that only they can do the job. Leave when you can

Your manager might be coming under pressure from her bosses and is projecting onto you too.

@Menora I hope you are now chilling out at work, polishing your CV and ignoring your pointless manager.

It's not you, it's them. Any training you could or should be doing?

I have an interview coming up soon
Thanks to everyone who replied to me I appreciate it

Good luck Menora and congrats on the interview!

Good luck with the interview Menora x

Good luck

I got offered a new job today! I just thought I would update 🤣
not much changed here to be honest, although manager backed off a little, there is still a chokehold feeling and meddling going on

Great news op, congratulations

We'll done. Enjoy the resignation conversation.

Just internally chant 'moral high ground' to yourself while you smile sweetly and break the news! 😁

Screw them. So happy to get this update.x

Brilliant - well done.

Congratulations xx

Thanks! I was shocked I got it. They marked me down for not really telling them much about myself but having textbook answers to their practical questions. I said that I do find it hard to talk about myself sometimes. Made me think that this is part of the issue I don’t feel valued and don’t value myself enough. Need to work on that