to be told my work burn out is my own fault?

[Menora]

Not posted for a long time but been here years.

I would like some advice as I feel like I have been gaslighted into taking all the blame for my work burn out by my manager.

I am in a senior management position in a fast paced, fairly stressful environment. I have worked in the industry for 20 years in various roles so I am not new to it. My manager is newer to the industry (4 years). Manager is very different to me in style and thought processes.

Manager doesn’t come to the office every day, and doesn't communicate what they are working on. I am in the office all the time, visible and contactable I never WFH. I feel like they dominate all my time through hundreds of small micromanagements, endless phone calls, messages, lots of repetitive meetings and questions and instructions. I can find this frustrating and time wasting.

Recently I have reached burn out, all the small micromanagements and noise from the dozens and dozens of daily calls and instructions have made me feel drowned and unproductive.

We spoke today and I tried to express myself, that I was feeling frustrated, burnt out, unproductive and needed to regroup myself somehow. I am working, but I am not working as well as I would like to be, my work-life balance was not ideal and I would like some quieter periods of space to focus.

Manager asked me to be very specific about what pieces of work were causing the burn out feelings, so I tried to start explaining that it was less about the work and more about general burn out/noise to be told the following:

-It had been noticed by people I wasn’t doing any work
-It wasn’t obvious what I am doing all day
-They don’t think I really have any work to do
-I am distracted and uncontactable
-They never WFH and are always visible
-They are picking up all my slack and protecting me from work I should be doing as I keep saying I am stressed
-I need to give them a list of all the jobs I should be doing for them to compare with
-I am too sensitive
-I get over involved in trivial matters
-I need to learn to not care about things as much

I feel even more depressed and demoralised now than I did. Is work burn out usually just all your own fault for being an oversensitive weakling? I mean if I am performing like this, why wait until I am on my knees to let me know?

No it doesn’t and it requires even more energy I could be using to find a new job

I have one of those too, for the second time in my career. First time it happened I stayed and fought, and won though it nearly broke me. This time I’m dusting off my cv. You have my greatest sympathy.

This sounds awful. We had a manager like this, she was awful. We were all working at about 150+ %capacity and a colleague raised the fact that she was struggling during supervision. It was turned around to be her fault and all of a sudden the manager was concerned that the staff member wasn't coping with the workload bla bla bla.

How can someone cope with a workload thats 50% more than it's supposed to be!! All it evidences for me is that the majority of employers don't give a fuck and if you burn out they'll replace you as quickly as possible.

Don't let that happen to you, protect your mental health.

All the points listed seem like burnout symptoms to me so I think your manager might be shooting themselves in the foot really. Go to HR, I wouldn't get involved in a back and forth with your manager or it could make things worse. They're clearly not concerned about your wellbeing.

@Octomore

I'd sink your manager though before I left. I'd want to ruin their reputation by showing hr exactly what they are like.

Sadly this rarely has the impact desired.

Maybe not always, although it did in my case. Fucker still hasn't got his 'much deserved' promotion years on. Such a shame, shouldn't be a dick then.

It would put it on the record though that there are issues, and if it happens again then that starts looking bad. A good company would do something about it, although sadly they are a minority.

Managers that demotivate and lose staff cost businesses a lot of money, not to mention the disruption. So don't assume that just because HR is on the side of the business, that their interests don't align with yours.

OP, so much of what you describe sounds how things have been with my current manager for the last 18 months. She became my manager when she was new to the role.
Undermining, micromanaging, nitpicking, gaslighting, making me doubt my sanity about the way things are done, rewriting my work etc, controlling,
I've been struggling to do the work recently, like I've forgotten how to do it.

I've now been off work for 2 weeks with anxiety, having never had problems before. I only really accepted I could no longer cope with the situation when I began having panic attacks.
I've been prescribed beta blockers to help. My sick note runs out this week but I am in no state to go back to work so will be getting another.

Don't underestimate the impact this kind of relationship with a manager can have on you. It's fucking soul destroying.
Collate information and make notes now and speak to HR. Don't put up with it or let it get as bad as I have done.

I had coaching and also talked with a director. Both commented it’s seems to be a toxic parent/child type of relationship, where I am rebelling against being treated like a child. I have problems putting in boundaries sometimes - usually as I feel not listened to when I try to put a boundary in, it isn’t that I am not assertive but I don’t think I am respected by manager.

Coach is just helping me keep my cool until either I can leave or it improves.

I felt quite empowered after the session but feeling a bit disheartened and detached again now. I’m working through my drudge list, I’m also being left alone but to the other extreme where there is zero contact - it’s all or nothing! I feel like a storm is brewing too

@FreakinFrankNFurter

OP, so much of what you describe sounds how things have been with my current manager for the last 18 months. She became my manager when she was new to the role. Undermining, micromanaging, nitpicking, gaslighting, making me doubt my sanity about the way things are done, rewriting my work etc, controlling, I've been struggling to do the work recently, like I've forgotten how to do it.

I've now been off work for 2 weeks with anxiety, having never had problems before. I only really accepted I could no longer cope with the situation when I began having panic attacks.
I've been prescribed beta blockers to help. My sick note runs out this week but I am in no state to go back to work so will be getting another.

Don't underestimate the impact this kind of relationship with a manager can have on you. It's fucking soul destroying.
Collate information and make notes now and speak to HR. Don't put up with it or let it get as bad as I have done.

I’m sorry I hope you are feeling better soon. I really hope things get better for you soon xx

@Menora

I am not a personal assistant in title, I am one in reality.

I am one level below my manager, and above them is a board of directors. I am not an assistant. I am meant to have my own lines of responsibility and I manage my own teams. I am (was) quite creative so i focus on a lot of effecting change in creative ways, the directors plan for me to succeed my manager one day naturally at retirement so I am meant to be learning their role. I’m not though, I’m doing menial rubbish

Aaaaah, ok.

I'm going to hazard a guess here that your manager isn't thrilled by the idea of retiring?

This could all be them promoting an impression that you're incompetent so that they unfortunately have to stay, especially since they're pairing it with jumping in to "share" your good ideas and trying to prevent you having too much direct involvement with other/your teams, as well as loading you with menial shit to avoid you actually learning handover jobs from them.

I really don’t know about the retirement situation. I think it was the long term plan. Manager is very money orientated but I don’t think this was imminent - maybe a 5 year plan which was a reasonable amount of time to bring someone up to be really experienced. I was aware I had a lot to learn and there was plenty of time to do it, it wasn’t really an issue. Even if not retirement, I know manager would like to reduce hours and go off and do other projects

YANBU Sounds like you’re being ‘managed out’ collect all the evidence in case you need for tribunal, get your HR policies. It happened to me and a colleague- I left for another job, they threatened tribunal and got paid off, 3 months not to take to court.

It doesn’t sound like you can ‘win’ or make the manager improve.

Can you detach from them, block your calendar, do the work then leave time to look for other roles?

I’ve been there, everything you described is awful and demoralising. Nothing I would say was taking into account. Also learned that HR always takes the higher hierarchy side. I was put in PIP and my manager just made my life miserable. I would suggest you find a new job. Sending you love and hugs

@Susu49

Leave.

It's not you, it's them. I've seen it done to others and fallen victim to it myself. Classic crap manager script here

Agree 100%, there's only one way out of this and that's the highway.😫

Maybe you need to take a leaf our her book and WFH more to focus on your work. In an office as a manager it's easy to get consistent interruptions.

Having been through something even worse, my advice is:

-step back from it, realise its not a problem with you, it's a problem with fit with your boss. It doesn't really matter who is to blame, it could be 100% them or 50/50, your lived reality is going to be the same - misery.

• form a handling / survival strategy for dealing with your boss to minimise the damage to yiu and your career in the interim

• make plans to leave.

You could put into place some stuff to protect yourself if you are a member of a union or if you have any neutral allies that could mediate.

It's a horrible situation and I feel for you, but concentrate on the future. ❤️

Don't let it get to you (easy to say). It's not you, or your competency that is the problem.

💐💐

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

Sounds like you are working for a narcissist who is projecting their own behaviour on to you. No easy solutions to that situation, but prioritising yourself is essential. Start documenting everything, keep notes, and involve HR right now. Go to the doctor and get stress, mental health issues on record. Work have a duty of care and need to be supporting you. Your manager is not capable and will thwart the process which is why HR needs to be involved. I will guarantee they have a history of this behaviour.

This this this!!

Sorry OP - i’ve been EXACTLY where you are now. It’s so so horrible and isolating and definitely gaslighting. Do what this poster recommends.

You describe feeling unable to function .That may be your brain trying to protect you from this bullying nightmare . It’s how I remember my last weeks in a similarly toxic workplace. From being a ‘top performer ‘ I found myself locking my office door and just staring at my screen , trying not to cry in frustration.
This was within 9 months of having a new manager with no experience brought in to revolutionise our systems.
But our work was legally framed so changes had to be carefully considered. I was constantly being told to cut corners to be more efficient .That manager caused great harm to both my mental health and eventually the Company .
The ‘Blue Eyed Boy’ was a disaster as the Boards investment in him was enthusiastic and the damage he wrought very costly. They had to pay him extra to end his contract ( God knows why he wasn’t simply sacked) I left for a rival firm as soon as I realised that the problem was him , not me.
Good luck.

@Menora

Thank you so much for all responding, yes I think I need to a. Get a new job b. Be firmer about my time

I am going to block out my time to concentrate on jobs and not keep picking up the phone. I had already started trying to do that and trying to get off phone calls and explaining they are interrupting me. Now I feel like everything I have been doing is just trivial rubbish

I was totally trying not to lay all the blame on manager, as I knew it would make them angry and make it worse and there are 2 sides to each story - so I had already said essentially ‘I am taking responsibility now to ask for some space to regroup and acknowledging to both of us I am burning out’

It’s hard to give an example without outing myself but I am given a specific job to do, and during the course of that job, I have to feedback all the minute details in phone calls until it’s finished. I can’t really make any decisions on my own. Other people see how many times I get phoned too.

There is so much more, manager has really broken my trust lately and I think it’s something deeper going on. I am collateral damage but to get to where they want, they have had to trample me

Hi OP, you need to be honest with your manager. They may argue but it also might stop them doing what they're doing. Also agree when you'll fill them in on your work progress.

I suspect the 'others have said xyz' isn't fully true either, so don't dwell on it.

But def don't offload on your team, find a more senior mentor you trust for this.

If you really have lost your love for your job then def look elsewhere. But reading between the lines your new managers arrival upset the apple cart. If you cant resolves this, you could ask to be moved to a different role

Good luck we lack honest convos in all aspects of our lives, but at work they are esp difficult to have.

I could have written this myself!
The new manager, the gradual delegating of menial, pointless tasks, dismissing my opinion in meetings only to implement the very same things months later branded as his own idea, the micromanagement, the gaslighting. (I flagged to him that some personal situations were affecting me and my work and asked for some help - 2 weeks later he brings me into an HR meeting and stated “I’ve noticed that you are not performing effectively” no shit Sherlock, I flagged this to you 2 weeks ago and asked for your help dickhead.)
I finally had a breakdown after about 18 months, my confidence was shattered, I dreaded going to work, covid was a lifeline for me as I didn’t have to go into the office to see him, and ultimately his manager moved me sideways into her team.
Back last autumn things changed again and I ended up reporting back to him, I expressed my reservations and was told to “make it work” I said no thanks, and had by then just about re-built up enough confidence to apply for some new jobs!
I started new job in January, I’ve not regretted it for a moment and I’ve already had a promotion in the 3 months I’ve been there.
My advice is just get out, you can’t change toxic, the only person losing here is you and sometimes your sanity has to take precedence over being right!

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

Sounds like you are working for a narcissist who is projecting their own behaviour on to you. No easy solutions to that situation, but prioritising yourself is essential. Start documenting everything, keep notes, and involve HR right now. Go to the doctor and get stress, mental health issues on record. Work have a duty of care and need to be supporting you. Your manager is not capable and will thwart the process which is why HR needs to be involved. I will guarantee they have a history of this behaviour.

I completely agree

Wow. Ok.

Had a follow up call with manager late today. I had sent over my job list and had my character assassination and performance called into question the last time - I explained again I was in burn out and the work coach agreed it sounded like exactly that. I said I had some strategies but didn’t go into any details.

Manager was in a completely different mood and in typical gaslighting style completely denied questioning anything to do with my performance , said all the trite ‘supportive’ things they clearly didn’t really mean before saying they were just glad it was burn out because it’s not like I have anyone breathing down my neck, is it? And it’s ok, they are here to rescue me, it will all be ok, just work through menial job list and delegate it

I repeated that I wanted clarification on my duties and how I wasn’t performing to their expectations - nope, there are now no issues!

Obviously I don’t know the details but my gut response to this is that you are being abused and gaslighted. Given that you are being (and I emphasise: “being”) burnt out, start looking for a new job and in meantime document everything.

As for communicating with this boss and anyone else, say as little as possible, knowing now that anything you say could get twisted back around on you. I hate it when people get called “too sensitive”. Only narcissistic or abusive people use that language.
Seriously though, if the last two years have taught me anything, life is too short for this crap. Do your job, focus on what’s most important, and get out.

You need to be a lot more specific with her about what is causing the pressure and what changes you would like. With talk of 'burn out' it all went a bit off focus. Ask to speak to her again, but beforehand, give some thought to the specific changes you want to resolve this. So rather than talking about micromanagement, which is very subjective, ask her if you can agree specific times and format for you to report your progress to her. The same with her instructions to you, Ask if you can receive them in this way, or that, whatever works. You can't stop her instrucing you, but it should be done in a way that works for you. Follow up the meeting with a summary of your suggestions by email. While this may not resolve matters if she is truly unreasonable, you will have evidence to demonstrate that you were reasonable, which will help you if action is required down the line.