Page 3 | to be told my work burn out is my own fault?

DukeofEarlGrey · 21/03/2022 21:15

Different details, but I was blamed for my own burnout in a toxic work environment. It was part of a wider bullying effort to either burn me out or push me out. I have been in my new role six months and it is so much better I have to keep pinching myself.

tkwal · 21/03/2022 21:21

OP read and take in what MayMorris suggested. I reckon they are spot on.

callingon · 21/03/2022 21:24

I would suggest contacting HR - they should make sure that any company procedures are followed so at least everything is documented. I went on for too long in a series of ‘informal chats’ and every time it was an unofficial ambush that was then hard for me to push back against because it was ‘just a chat’.

It was awful and like pps 6 months later I’m still a recovering from it.

FangsForTheMemory · 21/03/2022 21:26

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

Sounds like you are working for a narcissist who is projecting their own behaviour on to you. No easy solutions to that situation, but prioritising yourself is essential. Start documenting everything, keep notes, and involve HR right now. Go to the doctor and get stress, mental health issues on record. Work have a duty of care and need to be supporting you. Your manager is not capable and will thwart the process which is why HR needs to be involved. I will guarantee they have a history of this behaviour.

This. It sounds as though your manager is very bad at their job, and one way in which they are bad at their job is that they are not enabling you to do yours - quite the opposite in fact.

I would look for another job.

callingon · 21/03/2022 21:28

@CantGetDecentNickname

Hi OP, if you haven't done so already please send your line manager an email giving your summary of the meeting "just to summarise it". Use the exact words that they used. Do it as a sort of note of your meeting today. It is a way of recording what has happened by putting it in writing. They may then back-track on some of the things that they have said, but without any record of the meeting, it is just their word against yours and they can get away with bullying behaviour.

I would go to HR if you can and ask them to be directly involved - maybe even attending your 1-2-1s. I do understand though that in may organisations HR's role is to defend the company from the employees and you may not want to do this. I assume you have some kind of appraisal system and ask if any of this has ever been raised by your line manager before. Half the things they are complaining about, if true, should have been picked up and resolved long ago so it does not reflect well on them if you have only had positive appraisals and then they've suddenly found all these problems.

A PP has mentioned that they were told they needed to adapt to their line manager's style and this is so wrong. Managers should be flexible in their style for different people.

I was also going to suggest blocking out your time for tasks. If you are using Teams, you can set your status to "do not disturb" so they can't reach you. The line manager can't say they don't know what you are doing as they only have to look in your diary to see what you have put down that you are doing in that time-slot. As another PP has said, keep a log of all interruptions. You should be able to get this retrospectively from Teams chat and past emails.

Apart from this, I would push back on everything. All the personal attacks they made - ask for evidence. What exactly has been said, by how many people and when? (don't ask for who, of course). Why do people feel they cannot contact me directly if they have an issue and need to go to my line manager instead?
Every time you are asked for reports on this and that, say your time is limited, you give regular reports at the normal intervals so why are you being asked for extra? Answer every accusation or instruction with question so they have to waste their time responding.

In the meantime, a fresh CV and some urgent job hunting. Is there anything internal you can try for? Sometimes a sideways request to HR can help even just for the time it takes you to find something elsewhere.
Don't let them dent your confidence.

This is everything I wish I had done! Especially re appraisal - I was furious that a week after my appraisal, brilliant, glowing, asset to the team, I was asked for a ‘chat’ about something that should have been brought up in a proper channel.

tttigress · 21/03/2022 21:30

Not really sure what the solution is, but I personally hate being interrupted every 2 minutes by Teams or Chat, it really sends your productivity through the floor.

Knittingchamp · 21/03/2022 21:33

@Menora

Not posted for a long time but been here years.

I would like some advice as I feel like I have been gaslighted into taking all the blame for my work burn out by my manager.

I am in a senior management position in a fast paced, fairly stressful environment. I have worked in the industry for 20 years in various roles so I am not new to it. My manager is newer to the industry (4 years). Manager is very different to me in style and thought processes.

Manager doesn’t come to the office every day, and doesn't communicate what they are working on. I am in the office all the time, visible and contactable I never WFH. I feel like they dominate all my time through hundreds of small micromanagements, endless phone calls, messages, lots of repetitive meetings and questions and instructions. I can find this frustrating and time wasting.

Recently I have reached burn out, all the small micromanagements and noise from the dozens and dozens of daily calls and instructions have made me feel drowned and unproductive.

We spoke today and I tried to express myself, that I was feeling frustrated, burnt out, unproductive and needed to regroup myself somehow. I am working, but I am not working as well as I would like to be, my work-life balance was not ideal and I would like some quieter periods of space to focus.

Manager asked me to be very specific about what pieces of work were causing the burn out feelings, so I tried to start explaining that it was less about the work and more about general burn out/noise to be told the following:

-It had been noticed by people I wasn’t doing any work
-It wasn’t obvious what I am doing all day
-They don’t think I really have any work to do
-I am distracted and uncontactable
-They never WFH and are always visible
-They are picking up all my slack and protecting me from work I should be doing as I keep saying I am stressed
-I need to give them a list of all the jobs I should be doing for them to compare with
-I am too sensitive
-I get over involved in trivial matters
-I need to learn to not care about things as much

I feel even more depressed and demoralised now than I did. Is work burn out usually just all your own fault for being an oversensitive weakling? I mean if I am performing like this, why wait until I am on my knees to let me know?

Tbh I'd log a complaint with HR, get signed off sick and use that time to look for another job. Your bosses sound revolting. No wonder you're burned out.

Willowowisp · 21/03/2022 21:47

Document everything and go off sick. Get occupational health involved and contact your union. If you fight back you can win this one.

Hankunamatata · 21/03/2022 21:52

I think part of the problem is calling it burn out, it makes it sound like your part of the problem. I'd tell her she is creating an unproductive work environment and push back.

Yogipineapple123 · 21/03/2022 21:58

I’m so sorry OP. Your manager sounds awful and their response is clearly contributing to your burnout. I was in a similar situation (but very junior) and one of the reasons my work got overwhelming was I knew that if I told my manager I was too busy to do something I’d have to spend ages justifying it!

If you are being forced to articulate what’s causing your stress I find this useful: www.hse.gov.uk/stress/causes.htm

Original poster

Menora · 21/03/2022 22:44

I shouldn’t have checked my emails so late but see that I had a reply to the to do list was told to send. It’s ok everyone, Manager has identified all the stress points for me, worked it all out. It’s the list that’s causing me stress. All my problems solved as going to all be delegated to someone else

OP posts:

Original poster

Menora · 21/03/2022 22:45

@Menora

I shouldn’t have checked my emails so late but see that I had a reply to the to do list was told to send. It’s ok everyone, Manager has identified all the stress points for me, worked it all out. It’s the list that’s causing me stress. All my problems solved as going to all be delegated to someone else

This is sarcasm

OP posts:

MisEnFlop · 21/03/2022 23:01

and for dealing with this crap.

What industry is this happening in? Are you a middle manager?

I am reading your messages and think this is me in the nearest future.

I am dealing with the exact same type of antagonistic passive-aggressive, full of themselves wheeler-dealer. I am deciding whether to sit it out a few months for the money before I resign or to just say 'fuck it, go and do it all yourself' if you please.

Time to find yourself a lovely new job.

carefullycourageous · 22/03/2022 05:35

I do think the only real option is finding a new job. It takes too much energy to deal with this stuff. You can't argue with them, they will obfuscate all day long.

Loopytiles · 22/03/2022 05:42

Moving jobs would have some risks for OP, eg few employment rights for two years. If you otherwise wouldn’t move jobs, would explore some of the other options posters have suggested.

Sarcasm - even on here - seems unlikely to help.

You could start to log things like no calls a day etc.

An option is also to send a SHORT email your manager about the things she said: I raised concerns with you about X. (Eg the frequency and duration of your daily contact when I’m in the office). You suggested that the issue was T. And you have suggested doing Y. I disagree and would much prefer to do Z.’ For the record in case of negative action towards you by your manager.

Loopytiles · 22/03/2022 05:45

Actually, perhaps sarcasm does help outside work, but the risk is it creeping at work, with manager and others, and that is unlikely to help you.

Do you know / get on with your manager’s boss?

Wren44 · 22/03/2022 06:03

OP, a job is primarily meant to facilitate your life. What you are describing is horrific. You are there just to do your job and shouldn’t have to continually, daily deal with what is clearly narcissistic egomaniacal managers. You are being bullied and you need to save your self by finding a new job asap.

Trying to make a living should never be this hard. What you describe is messed up.

Oblomov22 · 22/03/2022 06:27

I too think this is Very serious. You aren't doing yourself any favours by the way you are posting it, and worse still by the words you are choosing to use : using the words regroup. What does that even mean?

Managers list is nasty and would crush anyone. Where are they getting this information from? who have you told that you are stressed? Anyone? Don't mention it again. Ask for clarification, in writing, in an email, do you've got a paper trail on each point of the above list, who says you aren't doing any work.

List your jobs. What you did last week, last month, as evidence. You're going to have to become a private investigator and come up with hard evidence list and facts and minutes and amounts. Depersonalise it and stick to facts.

Get HR involved. Or, MayMorris suggestion of a how to fix meeting is very clever. Do that!

Oblomov22 · 22/03/2022 06:29

But get your CV ready because we all know management rarely changes.

NoToLandfill · 22/03/2022 06:34

Spend your time on getting your CV and LinkedIn profile up to date. When it's all looking good switch the 'looking for a job' bit of LinkedIn to ON.

Your situation will probably not improve in this job. Sorry about that.

Oblomov22 · 22/03/2022 06:35

"I am taking responsibility now to ask for some space to regroup and acknowledging to both of us I am burning out’ ".

Regroup. Burning out. You are taking the blame. For bullying. Don't do this. Turn it around.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 06:40

@Menora

Thanks. I do appreciate all of your advice. In the meantime until I find a new job I am just going to have to find a way to manage. I have sent off an email with everything listed that I am currently doing and 70% of it is menial rubbish. I don’t know if manager will recognise that this is what I am mostly being given to do, because you are right, they don’t trust me

Kindly, if most of what you're doing is menial rubbish, and it's stressing you out, they're not going to delegate their work to you.

Is your job not to delegate the menial rubbish and focus on the important stuff?

I can't get my head around senior management being micro-managed and given menial tasks and not managing and delegating themselves.

Oblomov22 · 22/03/2022 06:40

I agree with Can'tget:

"if you haven't done so already please send your line manager an email giving your summary of the meeting "just to summarise it". Use the exact words that they used. Do it as a sort of note of your meeting today. It is a way of recording what has happened by putting it in writing. They may then back-track on some of the things that they have said, but without any record of the meeting, it is just their word against yours and they can get away with bullying behaviour."

Please do this. It is very important. An email to clarify /summarise the meeting.

tothemoonandbackbuses · 22/03/2022 06:48

I’m self employed but do know that if I’m constantly interrupted I get nothing done. I am very blunt with family when I’m working.

It does sound like bullying, if you are in a union get some advice. Look for another job as well
The suggestion by pp to ask for coaching/mediation/ help between you and your boss sounds like a good idea. Give them enough rope to gang themselves and all that.

Hope it is sorted soon

2DogsOnMySofa · 22/03/2022 07:04

What @MarieIVanArkleStinks said

As your LM, if they have had that feedback, or seen that behaviour from you, they should be feeding this back to you, but also working with you to resolve the issues. I'd be taking each point, asking for examples and then asking your LM to work with you, to resolve each issue. It's as much your LM responsibility to resolve this issue as it is yours

People don't leave bad jobs, they leave bad managers