to be told my work burn out is my own fault?

[Menora]

Not posted for a long time but been here years.

I would like some advice as I feel like I have been gaslighted into taking all the blame for my work burn out by my manager.

I am in a senior management position in a fast paced, fairly stressful environment. I have worked in the industry for 20 years in various roles so I am not new to it. My manager is newer to the industry (4 years). Manager is very different to me in style and thought processes.

Manager doesn’t come to the office every day, and doesn't communicate what they are working on. I am in the office all the time, visible and contactable I never WFH. I feel like they dominate all my time through hundreds of small micromanagements, endless phone calls, messages, lots of repetitive meetings and questions and instructions. I can find this frustrating and time wasting.

Recently I have reached burn out, all the small micromanagements and noise from the dozens and dozens of daily calls and instructions have made me feel drowned and unproductive.

We spoke today and I tried to express myself, that I was feeling frustrated, burnt out, unproductive and needed to regroup myself somehow. I am working, but I am not working as well as I would like to be, my work-life balance was not ideal and I would like some quieter periods of space to focus.

Manager asked me to be very specific about what pieces of work were causing the burn out feelings, so I tried to start explaining that it was less about the work and more about general burn out/noise to be told the following:

-It had been noticed by people I wasn’t doing any work
-It wasn’t obvious what I am doing all day
-They don’t think I really have any work to do
-I am distracted and uncontactable
-They never WFH and are always visible
-They are picking up all my slack and protecting me from work I should be doing as I keep saying I am stressed
-I need to give them a list of all the jobs I should be doing for them to compare with
-I am too sensitive
-I get over involved in trivial matters
-I need to learn to not care about things as much

I feel even more depressed and demoralised now than I did. Is work burn out usually just all your own fault for being an oversensitive weakling? I mean if I am performing like this, why wait until I am on my knees to let me know?

during the course of that job, I have to feedback all the minute details in phone calls until it’s finished. I can’t really make any decisions on my own.

Is your role supposed to be this way or is this how your manager is making it?

That doesn't sound like much of a senior management position.

Can you start being proactive and giving your manager a detailed breakdown of progress on the project at a set time - say 4pm - each day when you're working and call them to discuss and hand over anything they need to know ready for your non-working days?

IME Micro-management is awful and can cause more rapid burn--out than even the huge work volume I experience at various pinch-points during the year. She's asked you to relay specific issues, so if you can, I'd respond with concrete examples. But the way these issues have been put to you sound less than professional. It's possible some are legitimate, but consider the way they've been put to you.

It had been noticed by people I wasn’t doing any work

If your LM has concerns then this is something you'd expect to be raised as a performance issue with supportive solutions, not to be made a target of office gossip. Perhaps be ready with some outputs so as to refute this point. You've offered a solution: more space to complete work and less time on phone calls and meetings. Do they have a response to that request to make those demands reasonable and workable?

It wasn’t obvious what I am doing all day
They don’t think I really have any work to do

The second point is merely a repetition of the first. Who is 'they?' Is this to be a recounting of office complaints, or a productive meeting to ensure requirements can reasonably be met? Why is the LM more interested in what other staff members are saying, rather than offering her own specifics as to what the issues are and discussing viable solutions?

I am distracted and uncontactable

Perhaps the volume of meetings, email and phone contact is an issue. Again, what would LM posit as a reasonable compromise?

They never WFH and are always visible

I don't see what relevance that has to you personally. It's none of your concern what others are doing; that's for management to deal with.

They are picking up all my slack and protecting me from work I should be doing as I keep saying I am stressed.

It's the LM's job to delegate work ensuring parity across the team. If you are not keeping up what you're given then this needs to be a conversation between the two of you rather than unhelpful comparisons between you and your colleagues. It's not a punishable offence to be 'stressed', but I'd recommend keeping your communication with these people and any complaints to a minimum. What you don't say, they can't use against you.

I need to give them a list of all the jobs I should be doing for them to compare with

Who is 'them?' You're expected to answer to your colleagues? No. You answer to your LM. Is she making it a requirement that you do this? If so, tell her you want the request sent to you in writing. If she does so, you'll have to comply, but if she's compelled to put it into a email she a) might not do so, knowing ow it could make her look and b) it could support a future case for constructive dismissal, if it's transpiring you are being treated differently and that this is being done outside any problem resolution framework.

I am too sensitive
I get over involved in trivial matters
I need to learn to not care about things as much

Here's where alarm bells ring for me: this is the language of a bully, and anyone who's ever one will instantly recognise it. Don't respond to those statements, simply say 'let's keep this professional and related to work only, as I'm experiencing this as personal criticism'. Likewise, you don't want to hear about others' gossip about you. If she has concerns about your performance then she's to address these directly with you, and you'll work on it with her. Comparisons with others are not your concern.

I disagree with you, OP, that your LM has given a 'specific' list. None of this stuff is specific. It's a litany of complaints and second-hand gossip which gives you nothing concrete to work with. I would, however, (quietly, and without admitting to it) take the second point under advisement. Let the trivia go, try to tune out the small stuff, and stop the complaints about the burn-out. It's gaining you no sympathy and is being used as ammunition against you. Withdraw. The best way to deal with that kind of environment is head down, mouth shut. If the office gossips complain about you, remember that what others think of you is none of your business.

You might also want to consider keeping a diary in a non-spiral-bound notebook with dates and times.

I get that this is not a pleasant way to live your working life. If it's a viable option I'd be thinking about moving on.

Your manager is trying to get rid of you. That's how it seems to me at any rate.

Yes I am struggling to work, which is why I brought it up. I am having issues focusing on tasks and finishing them which is unlike me at all. Usually I am very productive. I think I do have mental burn out and expect that some onus is on me to address it (I have a coaching session booked). I just wasn’t expecting a full character assassination and found it even more demotivating! I feel like I am stuck in a muddy swamp of dull, boring work with constant interruptions and questions.

I would expect my manager to be doing more senior things than I am, they are paid twice as much as me, but this sounded to me like I am not shouldering their workload to their satisfaction

‘Getting a sick note’ would reflect badly on OP. Would not be a professional way to handle concerns about her line manager’s behaviour.

When I say ‘them’ it is my line manager. Sorry it was non gender specific! All the references to them = manager

am having issues focusing on tasks and finishing them which is unlike me at all.

That's because you are reacting to being bullied.

Re-read this thread again outside working hours.

Then decide on how you want to tackle your manager. PPs have given you somethings you can try.

Give yourself a chance to try one of those options.

And if it doesn't appear to be working after 3 months then give yourself permission to find another job. You need to move on before you are completely mentally and emotionally destroyed.

Ha! Bloody pronouns; did me that time, good and proper.

They're still saying, though, 'people are saying', making out it's in the plural no doubt to legitimize their own complaints. I'd be none-too impressed by that.

@Brefugee

I am in no way senior but i had a lot of people trying to give me tasks and trying to micromanage me so i just logged out of Teams, and blocked 6 hours on my calendar every day. And the first time someone asked me about it i just said "look how productive i am when you all STFU" and since then it's been fine.

No chance to do something like that, OP?

God, yes. I wish I worked with you! My company doesn’t micromanage but fucking hell, they love to fill a week with a formal 1-2-1, informal 1-2-1, wellness check-in, productivity check-in, all-company zoom, cluster lead check-in, “Friday Teams down time”, Lunch n’ Learn (a phrase I want to stab to death, and yes, they spell it that way with just one apostrophe), Spring Business Fling! (the leadership team blather on about nothing), Fall Into Business! (ditto), Winter Business Wrap-up (ditto but looking backwards not forwards)…

It’s fucking ENDLESS and I was really stressed until I started declining 90% of it, turning off Teams, and advertising my availability for meetings, emails or phone calls in limited chunks. Get shitloads done now. Still want to burn the place to the ground, mind…

@Menora

Thank you so much for all responding, yes I think I need to a. Get a new job b. Be firmer about my time

I am going to block out my time to concentrate on jobs and not keep picking up the phone. I had already started trying to do that and trying to get off phone calls and explaining they are interrupting me. Now I feel like everything I have been doing is just trivial rubbish

I was totally trying not to lay all the blame on manager, as I knew it would make them angry and make it worse and there are 2 sides to each story - so I had already said essentially ‘I am taking responsibility now to ask for some space to regroup and acknowledging to both of us I am burning out’

It’s hard to give an example without outing myself but I am given a specific job to do, and during the course of that job, I have to feedback all the minute details in phone calls until it’s finished. I can’t really make any decisions on my own. Other people see how many times I get phoned too.

There is so much more, manager has really broken my trust lately and I think it’s something deeper going on. I am collateral damage but to get to where they want, they have had to trample me

This is a familiar tale tbh...

The reality is its part you, part them. Your boss sounds not great but you probably haven't optimally 'managed' your manager.

Your A & B are spot on!! Focus your energy on the new job for now and longer term work on the time management amd managing up when in new role.

My 2p is...
Mentally check our of this job and look ahead to the new one.
Sort your CV this weekend and get on LinkedIn.
Dont bother trying to salvage the situation.
Do your core hours and push back on everything.
'I have 6 things to do I have time to do 3.. which do you want?'
'You want me to do Z. Okay well that will take all day. Is that okay? As a reminder I have A B C and X and Y to do as well - can you tell me the priority is on these?'

I had that in one place. After a particularly stressful week culminating in another bollocking and demand to know 'what exactly is it you do?', I listed absolutely everything.

Every query went into an email. Every verbal response got confirmed by email. Every 'that's done' was an email. Everything I did in a day with the dependencies and consequences was listed in an email. Everything I had ever been corrected on, not trusted to deal with on my own, was emailed for approval, so where a reply wasn't received, the fact I was waiting on a response was recorded. Every interruption was recorded. Every correction and contradiction.

At the beginning of Day 2, I was asked to save things up for a single email rather than send 10 per hour. So I sent one an hour, each of which had the points/questions listed that they had to respond to in full.

The last email of the day also listed everything that was outstanding/due/waiting on a response from the day. The first one of the day listed the outstanding, what was coming up and what I needed in order to do them.

It all stopped by Wednesday morning and I was left in peace. Possibly because they got the hint, possibly because they didn't actually want the level of control they thought they did, possibly because they thought this might be evidencing a future constructive dismissal or grievance.

As a concession, and because I knew it helped me, I got a whiteboard and listed absolutely everything on it together with those dependencies and updates as I went along.

If anybody wanted to know what I was doing, they could either look at the board or I could send them a snapshot. Most of the time, they stuck their head round the door, took one look, decided that I clearly wasn't sitting there filing my nails or decided the visual representation of what was going on inside my head was way too terrifying to contemplate - and walked away again.

Without meaning to lessen the situation you're in OP but sometimes you can just be in a job too long and the stress creeps up on you. I think you need a break, maybe some annual leave and reassess your career. Think it might be time to move on if you can as it doesn't seem as you are getting much support and no job is worth making yourself ill over.

Can you start being proactive and giving your manager a detailed breakdown of progress on the project at a set time say 4pm each day when you're working and call them to discuss and hand over anything they need to know ready for your non-working days?

I know this suggestion is meant in the right spirit but no one in a senior position should be doing this. They either trust you to do the job or it’s a performance issue in which case they need to create a plan and support the OP to get back on track.

I just think it’s very demoralising to ask anymore what they’ve been doing all day unless that individual is on an agreed performance plan.
Being on the end of micromanaging is very damaging, it saps your confidence and wastes your time trying to show the person managing you what you’re doing all the time.

I think TotalWasteofPaper has good advice.

Thanks. I do appreciate all of your advice.
In the meantime until I find a new job I am just going to have to find a way to manage. I have sent off an email with everything listed that I am currently doing and 70% of it is menial rubbish. I don’t know if manager will recognise that this is what I am mostly being given to do, because you are right, they don’t trust me

Hi OP,
if you haven't done so already please send your line manager an email giving your summary of the meeting "just to summarise it". Use the exact words that they used. Do it as a sort of note of your meeting today. It is a way of recording what has happened by putting it in writing. They may then back-track on some of the things that they have said, but without any record of the meeting, it is just their word against yours and they can get away with bullying behaviour.

I would go to HR if you can and ask them to be directly involved - maybe even attending your 1-2-1s. I do understand though that in may organisations HR's role is to defend the company from the employees and you may not want to do this. I assume you have some kind of appraisal system and ask if any of this has ever been raised by your line manager before. Half the things they are complaining about, if true, should have been picked up and resolved long ago so it does not reflect well on them if you have only had positive appraisals and then they've suddenly found all these problems.

A PP has mentioned that they were told they needed to adapt to their line manager's style and this is so wrong. Managers should be flexible in their style for different people.

I was also going to suggest blocking out your time for tasks. If you are using Teams, you can set your status to "do not disturb" so they can't reach you. The line manager can't say they don't know what you are doing as they only have to look in your diary to see what you have put down that you are doing in that time-slot. As another PP has said, keep a log of all interruptions. You should be able to get this retrospectively from Teams chat and past emails.

Apart from this, I would push back on everything. All the personal attacks they made - ask for evidence. What exactly has been said, by how many people and when? (don't ask for who, of course). Why do people feel they cannot contact me directly if they have an issue and need to go to my line manager instead?
Every time you are asked for reports on this and that, say your time is limited, you give regular reports at the normal intervals so why are you being asked for extra? Answer every accusation or instruction with question so they have to waste their time responding.

In the meantime, a fresh CV and some urgent job hunting. Is there anything internal you can try for? Sometimes a sideways request to HR can help even just for the time it takes you to find something elsewhere.
Don't let them dent your confidence.

Another word for burnout is exploitation

Do you have a clear definition of what is your role with l ear set of expectations?
Because i suspect one of the issues is your manager micromanaging you and then feeling they are doing your job (which they wouldn’t if they left you to it!).

If you bring that issue you up again, you need to be extremely precise.
I’m expecting to do A and B. But my time is used doing C (like constantly getting back to you/answering phone calls etc…)

@WhyIsEverythingSoHard

Do you have a clear definition of what is your role with l ear set of expectations? Because i suspect one of the issues is your manager micromanaging you and then feeling they are doing your job (which they wouldn’t if they left you to it!).

If you bring that issue you up again, you need to be extremely precise.
I’m expecting to do A and B. But my time is used doing C (like constantly getting back to you/answering phone calls etc…)

This is exactly it. By not trusting things to me and holding on to it, they probably are doing ‘my job’ and I know when they see my menial list of crap, they are going to flip. I am prepared for this though because where does work come from? I don’t invent all of it myself.

This isn’t going to get any better and HR is an option but I don’t trust manager anymore and doesn’t look like they trust me. They have blocked me from 2 moves so far (also by gaslighting me) so I need to move out of the organisation completely. Manager is very clever and good at gaslighting. I am not the only person who has been manipulated. I see a lot more clearly now so maybe this was a blessing as I was in 2 minds what to do and now I am not!

I’m feeling stressed just reading your OP!! It sounds like the micromanaging is burning you out. I would speak to HR and explain clearly what the issues are with your boss: and the effect that it’s taking on your mental health

do you think there's an issue around you being part-time?
I think you need to invest a little time in working out what your priorities should be, and what should / could be delegated away

@Brefugee

do you think there's an issue around you being part-time? I think you need to invest a little time in working out what your priorities should be, and what should / could be delegated away

Really my priorities should be growing in my role, learning and moving upwards eventually. I should be feeling confident and strong and wanting to take work from my boss and be proud to be making a success of things. I really want to go to work to do a good job.

But I am not. I am just trying to get through each day. I end up prioritise trying not to walk out and quit, trying not to be rude to people in frustration, trying to focus on the very menial boring tasks, keep my cool when going over the same thing for 10th time and wondering why manager isn’t listening to me, resisting the urge to spend all day sitting in the toilet hiding and waking up in the morning and wishing I had COVID

Only thought If you are in a senior position then why are you being assigned work, as opposed to shaping and driving the work?

Perhaps you could set up a detailed plan of the projects you are working on to provide the reassurance that you have everything in hand.

Then just ignore calls and messages apart from a daily check in.

@Dishwashersaurous

Only thought If you are in a senior position then why are you being assigned work, as opposed to shaping and driving the work?

Perhaps you could set up a detailed plan of the projects you are working on to provide the reassurance that you have everything in hand.

Then just ignore calls and messages apart from a daily check in.

I have the same question. It has not always been this way. I do lead on a lot of things but I’m never left alone to do them, there is always interference nowadays

Your manager doesn't trust you, for whatever reason.

So either you need to find a way of reassuring them that you have things under control.

Or just accept its never going to work and get a new job

@Dishwashersaurous

Your manager doesn't trust you, for whatever reason.

So either you need to find a way of reassuring them that you have things under control.

Or just accept its never going to work and get a new job

Well they aren't the only options.

It sounds like OP's manager is shit at their job. So it isn't just that OP isn't being trusted - it sounds equally as if the manager is not performing at the right level.

If HR is anyway decent, that might be worth a shot.