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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be told my work burn out is my own fault?

161 replies

Menora · 21/03/2022 14:18

Not posted for a long time but been here years.

I would like some advice as I feel like I have been gaslighted into taking all the blame for my work burn out by my manager.

I am in a senior management position in a fast paced, fairly stressful environment. I have worked in the industry for 20 years in various roles so I am not new to it. My manager is newer to the industry (4 years). Manager is very different to me in style and thought processes.

Manager doesn’t come to the office every day, and doesn't communicate what they are working on. I am in the office all the time, visible and contactable I never WFH. I feel like they dominate all my time through hundreds of small micromanagements, endless phone calls, messages, lots of repetitive meetings and questions and instructions. I can find this frustrating and time wasting.

Recently I have reached burn out, all the small micromanagements and noise from the dozens and dozens of daily calls and instructions have made me feel drowned and unproductive.

We spoke today and I tried to express myself, that I was feeling frustrated, burnt out, unproductive and needed to regroup myself somehow. I am working, but I am not working as well as I would like to be, my work-life balance was not ideal and I would like some quieter periods of space to focus.

Manager asked me to be very specific about what pieces of work were causing the burn out feelings, so I tried to start explaining that it was less about the work and more about general burn out/noise to be told the following:

-It had been noticed by people I wasn’t doing any work
-It wasn’t obvious what I am doing all day
-They don’t think I really have any work to do
-I am distracted and uncontactable
-They never WFH and are always visible
-They are picking up all my slack and protecting me from work I should be doing as I keep saying I am stressed
-I need to give them a list of all the jobs I should be doing for them to compare with
-I am too sensitive
-I get over involved in trivial matters
-I need to learn to not care about things as much

I feel even more depressed and demoralised now than I did. Is work burn out usually just all your own fault for being an oversensitive weakling? I mean if I am performing like this, why wait until I am on my knees to let me know?

OP posts:
GaryTheCat · 22/03/2022 07:11

Ah, OP, you have my sympathies Flowers

Crap bosses are the worse.

I had a similar (ish) scenario. Was also in a job share with a really needy person (draining and spent half the time having to tell her what had gone one while she was not in the office). Also in health sector with the staffing crisis reaching a new level my role became more and more menial and meaningless. I told my boss I was burned out. Her response was ‘you’ve got a lot going on at home’ - I was like excuse me WTAF Confused

She then proceeded to talk at me about her vision for the future. This was the moment I realised that there was nothing really to stay for.

I would definitely caution against taking time off sick. For two reasons: being off doesn’t solve the problem. And I recently applied for income protection insurance and this was picked out from my GP report and under-writers used it as a reason for my to pay higher premiums. It’s really not worth it!

I would try and go with @MayMorris although am not sure many organisations/HR depts give that level of help or have that level of emotional intelligence. I would also be emotionally disengaging from this role a bit (helps anyway) and dusting off my CV. Flowers

Gardeningcreature · 22/03/2022 07:20

MayMorris has hit the nail on the head.

Snog · 22/03/2022 07:21

You need to take care of yourself first here OP.

There will be no real resolution to this relationship whatever you do - you need to step in and save yourself.

Primarily this means finding another job quickly.

I was in a similar situation a few years back and I tried to resolve things over a 7 month period - I paid a huge price in terms of my mental and physical health. Nothing was resolved, I had a year off sick and I lost my job. I've not been well enough to work since.

My serial narcissistic bullying manager has since been promoted.

Original poster
Menora · 22/03/2022 07:24

I should not be doing menial tasks, I have recently been doing bigger more important piece of work but that is now completed - and I was micromanaged through all of that. The things I am doing are the things I’ve been given by my manager, or picked up myself and need to delegate to someone. I have to be careful now as my emotions just get used against me, I am not supposed to have any emotions at all and manager has been trying to eliminate these from me for months now, even my whole appraisal last year was about ‘being emotion led’ and when I asked for examples, they were all instances of frustration I had with being micromanaged and given very boring menial work.

Manager intends to one day pass over more work to me, but never does because I keep saying I am ‘stressed’ - I am stressed by the micromanagement and atmosphere, not the work. I am not afraid of hard work.

Manager has spent a long time pointing out all my flaws and getting involved with things I am doing to the point where I am just getting through each day and I am just not going to give them anymore ammunition against me, I will just apply for jobs and leave. I just have to get through this period without losing all my confidence and self esteem!

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 22/03/2022 07:28

One question OP - if you are a senior manager why do you rely on work from your manager? Can you not manage your calendar & workload, to an extent, yourself? (I know it won't resolve the issue with the manager, but I'm confused about you only having menial work?)

I'm a middle manager, I guess I'd say, and I manage my own tasks / projects. I obviously get directed too; but I manage a team of 8 so I manage their work & can be discretionary about my tasks. I'm in a difficult workplace too so I identify with some of the stress you mention

Original poster
Menora · 22/03/2022 07:29

My managers idea of passing me work is:

  • to send me an email instructing me to send the email to someone else
  • attending a meeting without me and giving me a menial job to collect info to take back to the meeting
  • detailing to me what I need to say/do with staff
  • proofreading everything I send out and amending it
  • giving me a job to do that manager is also doing (for me to learn) then making it really complicated and confusing by doing it at the same time and rechecking all my work
  • coming to my meetings and rephrasing everything I say in a better way
OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 22/03/2022 07:35

So I think you need to clearly tell your manager they are doing these things. And document that meeting.

Thereafter request HR involvement - where I work there are informal mechanisms that can be used first.

However meantime, set your own work - surely you can as a senior manager, as per my last post?

Octomore · 22/03/2022 07:35

I'm in a similar situation. Not so much micro managing, but head stunningly impossible deadlines to hit, accompanied by gaslighting and implications that not being able to do 3 things at once makes me incompetent.

I'm leaving in just over a month. Cannot wait.

Octomore · 22/03/2022 07:36

Head spinningly, not stunningly

Bumtum126 · 22/03/2022 07:38

Sounds exhausting. I don't understand how she has the time , what sort of level is your manager head is service/director? None of this I recognise as senior management, very little real work must be getting done.
How do they proof read everything before you send it out , do you have to pass every email to your manager?

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 07:41

Are there other people doing the same role as you? It sounds to me like they're trying to make a case for your redundancy to be honest.

Original poster
Menora · 22/03/2022 07:41

@EarringsandLipstick

So I think you need to clearly tell your manager they are doing these things. And document that meeting.

Thereafter request HR involvement - where I work there are informal mechanisms that can be used first.

However meantime, set your own work - surely you can as a senior manager, as per my last post?

I think I have a title that doesn’t mean anything

I’m a PA in training
I do lead on some senior things

The next level up is a board of directors. I am speaking to one of them today but I have to be careful what I say

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 22/03/2022 07:42

You sound so worn out OP 😔

Good luck with the discussion with the Director. I know you've to be careful but things are so bad, there isn't much more to lose by being direct & honest.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 07:44

A PA as in a personal assistant? Project accountant? Project assistant?

What's your job? Because now you've said the 'in training' bit of course you're going to be micro-managed.

I can't think of a 'PA' job - ie a job with those initials - that's a senior management position.

Seafog · 22/03/2022 07:46

Have you asked your LM what it will take for them to start trusting you?

Bumtum126 · 22/03/2022 07:47

If it's personal assistant then that wouldn't be senior management. Sounds like your manager likes pulling the strings and having the staff do what they want.

Octomore · 22/03/2022 07:52

Have you used PA as code for a CoSec role?

Original poster
Menora · 22/03/2022 07:55

I am not a personal assistant in title, I am one in reality.

I am one level below my manager, and above them is a board of directors. I am not an assistant. I am meant to have my own lines of responsibility and I manage my own teams. I am (was) quite creative so i focus on a lot of effecting change in creative ways, the directors plan for me to succeed my manager one day naturally at retirement so I am meant to be learning their role. I’m not though, I’m doing menial rubbish

OP posts:
Brefugee · 22/03/2022 07:57

Manager intends to one day pass over more work to me, but never does because I keep saying I am ‘stressed’ - I am stressed by the micromanagement and atmosphere, not the work. I am not afraid of hard work.

can you launch a drive for 360° evaluations? Otherwise you need to go in to appraisals armed with replies to this kind of thing. It is draining and it requires work but it can be done. The current way of working - your manager tells you to deletate x task to someone - is hugely inneficient.

Bumtum126 · 22/03/2022 08:00

Maybe the manager doesn't want to retire and is torpedoing the successor .

Original poster
Menora · 22/03/2022 08:25

I am working on a project at the moment that was my idea. It’s saved money and it’s meant to improve customer satisfaction. Manager has already told me we have to do it together and it all be checked for repetition first before I proceed. I am no longer excited about this project and keep putting off starting it because I am worried about how many hours of my life will be drained doing all the prep and instructions of changes

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 08:27

@Menora

I am working on a project at the moment that was my idea. It’s saved money and it’s meant to improve customer satisfaction. Manager has already told me we have to do it together and it all be checked for repetition first before I proceed. I am no longer excited about this project and keep putting off starting it because I am worried about how many hours of my life will be drained doing all the prep and instructions of changes
Ask her if you can take the lead and just get sign off on each element once you feel it's completed?

Tell her this is how you'd like to work and you'd like to prove your competence?

Original poster
Menora · 22/03/2022 08:30

And last week I came up with another idea of a platform that shares relevant info to different teams to meet targets and when I shared it, manager came out with all these negative comments about how I needed to be careful I wasn’t trying to control how the teams operate Confused

OP posts:
AllOfUsAreDead · 22/03/2022 08:32

Don't think they are clever, they aren't. A clever person wouldn't be wasting their time on this.

I'd do what another person said and ask hr to sit in on a 1-1 so that you can understand what you are doing what and give them the comments your manager made. And look for a new job. I'd sink your manager though before I left. I'd want to ruin their reputation by showing hr exactly what they are like.

Octomore · 22/03/2022 08:49

I'd sink your manager though before I left. I'd want to ruin their reputation by showing hr exactly what they are like.

Sadly this rarely has the impact desired.