Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

[Celtic1hair]

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

@rwalker

"He honestly is the loveliest man, we are always his priority, great dad in every way, engaged with the kids, fully responsible"

Just let him have something for himself for once

I honestly would normally be so accommodating, but surely a line has to be drawn somewhere? At the cost of depriving three children of a holiday when we have been nowhere since early 2019. I know we are luckier than most to be able to even consider it, and we would absolutely have to scrimp and save for it, but should visiting a grave on a specific day take priority so he can have this? If this sounds awful then I'm prepared to be told so.

He's made a mistake with the dates, he's angry and embarrassed with himself. Give him a few days to mull it over then come up with a new plan. Even 5 days lying on a beach is better than none.

I think you're sounding a bit awful tbh. My mil is dead, I've still got both my parents and my grandma so I would always let dh take the lead on his grieving, I did at the beginning and I still do now several years later. Quite random things sometimes upset him at quite random times, I can't work out why. But my time will come I guess, when my parents are no longer around.

@ivykaty44

nothing surprises me any more on mums net

wanting to cancel a holiday to celebrate a FIL big birthday, when the father isn't even able to be there himself takes this to a new level

I know, right? This is why I posted, I was seriously doubting my own reaction to the whole thing because I genuinely couldn't believe it.

@User280905

I think you're sounding a bit awful tbh. My mil is dead, I've still got both my parents and my grandma so I would always let dh take the lead on his grieving, I did at the beginning and I still do now several years later. Quite random things sometimes upset him at quite random times, I can't work out why. But my time will come I guess, when my parents are no longer around.

This is his angle, I don't know what he's going through because I'm lucky enough to have both of my parents and he hopes he is more supportive when that time will come (hopefully in the very far future). But is it healthy or fair for it to take priority over everything else?

I'm with you all the way Celtic1hair

In terms of a solution, you need to tell him that if he doesn't want to go on the holiday, you will book it as planned for you and the kids and he can stay home.

I would not shorten the holiday either. What is the point of travelling abroad and paying for flights and barely there and have to leave again. Book the two weeks and tell him you can do something to remember him there. Ridiculous behaviour from him and probably is his mum behind it. I would not ask her on the holiday either unless you get on particularly well with her. As someone else said been there for his dad who is not even alive for his birthday is ridiculous. I would put your own children first and the holiday and would not back down on this and if he does decide to go on holiday tell him no sulking or ruining it. You do not have to be at a graveside to remember someone or you do not have to go to church to pray.

Emotions are fluid so he may well have thought a holiday would be the best thing but feel differently as it draws closer.

I think you're very unreasonable to prioritise anything over him being able to go to his father's grave on such a milestone day personally. Holidays can be had any time.

Holidays can be had any time

But they can't. Op has already stated that she and her husband have booked annual leave for these two weeks and it can't be moved.

Agree with Ivykaty44. I lost both my parents and you do not have to stand beside a graveside at all to remember someone. I think of both my parents in different ways all the time. He can go to the grave before and after the holiday with your mil. Ridiculous it is. Who celebrates someone's birthday if they have passed on, we think of them and on my own birthday particularly hard as think of my lovely mum soo much and get soo low.

@Chamomileteaplease

Does this seem out of character for him? It just sounds incredibly mean of him to want to cancel a holiday for his wife and children for this - almost likes he wants to hurt you .

Give over. One post about an OP's grieving husband and your powers of deduction have led you to believe he is being deliberately emotionally abusive

I'd say fine, but the cut off to book a holiday is X date, after which life moves on. So getting new pets, moving etc, is fair game.

Then I'd say nothing. Leave him to it. Book days away with the kids and spend you and the kids money on stuff you like, be that a weekend away for you and some day trips woh them, a new console, whatever. Bit spend the money on fun stuff.

My DF was very much of the belief that life is for the living not the dead. He wanted the minimal fuss funeral, no flowers etc. He would have been mortified if we had had to cancel something to celebrate a milestone birthday, when he is no longer here to celebrate it as well. I raised a glass for him on what would have been his 90th birthday, but the thought of cancelling a family holiday would have horrified him.

It's not like your MIL would be on her own if there are other siblings nearby. Could she come and stay during another of the summer holidays so she can have time with the children, in a more family friendly way, rather than hanging round a grave

@BobMortimersPetOwl

Emotions are fluid so he may well have thought a holiday would be the best thing but feel differently as it draws closer.

I think you're very unreasonable to prioritise anything over him being able to go to his father's grave on such a milestone day personally. Holidays can be had any time.

But they can't, that's the issue. We absolutely cannot change the dates, and the children won't get this year again.

i can sympathise with both parties here, my dad died 9 years ago and would have been 70 this year, right in the middle of the Easter break.

While i will be on hand to help mom through it, as she still deeply grieves for my Dad, and we'll probably do something to mark the day, i wouldn't expect the whole family to be there, or to forego family time for it.

If your MIL has other family there, then i'm sure she will be ok.

@BobMortimersPetOwl disagree entirely. His dads birthday has been on the same day each year and his approach is appalling.

If I'd wanted to cancel family plans for any reason I'd be eating humble pie, not casually dropping it in like a done deal. And yes, I've lost a parent before you ask.

I've lost a parent and a husband. And the world absolutely doesn't stand still for me or for my young adult.kids when his birthday or death anniversary come around. I would be perfectly happy if they went away at that period, as I'm certain that's what my DH would want too.

I accept that people grieve in different ways, but if you asked anyone now what they'd want their children or spouses to do when they're gone, I don't think anyone would say they'd want them to give up on a holiday for their grandkids, in order to stand by their grave.

Had he said at the beginning that he felt he needed to be with this mother for his late fathers birthday then that would be different.

However he didn’t. He is now completely unapologetic about blowing up the family holiday because this is something he has now decided he needs to do.

While people grieve in different ways - he needs to recognise that how he has handled this is completely wrong. He is being selfish and immature - not for wanting to be with his mother, but for when he decided this and how he communicated it.

He may never see this from your perspective because he doesn’t seem to have much emotional intelligence.

So you have a choice - do you go ahead with a holiday - perhaps with your parents? Or do you completely miss the holiday this year and save for a blow out holiday next year.

Regardless of what you decide he will be spending that day with this mum.

In your position. I would calmly explain to him that the way he has gone about this is selfish - and he owes you an apology. But you can’t force him to go on holiday and he wants to be with his mum then so be it. But you will decide what you will do for the two weeks.

Honestly I'd calmly, after a day or two, tell him you'll not stand in his way of marking the loss, spending time with his mother etc. But that you're going to book the holidays as the children need the break. Obviously he is still in a place with his grieving where he needs that, but the children and you need the release of time away. An unfortunate clash but that everyone's different needs should be met.

He might even realise he doesn't need to mark that particular occasion in that particular way after all.

I lost my father 4 years ago, grief is a terrible and strange thing. The so called stages do not happen in any formulaic way. One minute you think you ok and accepted it, then you are blindsided by seeing a face in a crowd or going to phone them about good news then realise split second later you Can't. Again. Ever...It can make you angry, unreasonable and acting like a child.
I think he needs help before any holiday. Try to get him some bereavement counselling. Try to talk about it calmly, how much he means to you and why you want the holiday. Write a letter if easier. Losing a parent makes you realise your own mortality and as his dad died young he might be scared for himself. Yes he was unreasonable in his change of plans but he is probably struggling to cope and hiding his feelings

I'd he's basically a decent man then I think you just need to talk to him. Sometimes arguments get out of hand because emotions are running high.

It's all very well everyone piling in and saying how awful he is but we don't know how you behaved in the row, and even if it was mainly his fault I think we all have the occasional screw up that was mainly our fault.. Plus with small kids in the mix it's really easy to push each others buttons to a point where both parties come away feeling very injured, but also having said things they didn't really mean.

Personally I don't get the importance of the Special Holiday, but it's obviously a big deal to you so it shouldn't just be swept under the carpet. Maybe you could do something in the UK for one week, finishing up meeting up with his family at the location of your uk trip, then go abroad for the second week?

Or maybe you just need to really listen to each other and the right thing to do will become clear. I hope you get a peaceful resolution that you're happy with.

Would you be okay with him spending some time on that day calling his family, taking some time to himself, doing something commemorative or are you going to be upset that he is moping around on a family holiday and abandoning you with the kids while he goes off on his own for a bit?

Talking about a resolution at the same time as the emotions are high rarely works. Likely you will have a better conversation once both of you are less upset. You can also recognize each other's feelings without being critical / accusatory. You can recognize he feels torn or guilty rather than going at it as him not caring about you or the kids.

Op…could it be that the real issue here is that your DH has realised how expensive a holiday abroad (all inc) is going to cost? And decided, for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to spend that kind of money. Hence he’s using the excuse that it’s his deceased father’s 70th birthday and needs to be at his graveside? 🤷‍♀️

It was the first thing I thought of when I read your initial post….and then subsequent posts.

@rwalker

"He honestly is the loveliest man, we are always his priority, great dad in every way, engaged with the kids, fully responsible"

Just let him have something for himself for once

Ridiculous. The FIL is dead. That’s the way of things. Fannying about having memorial mourning sessions won’t change anything.

The DH needs to grow up and stop using his dad’s death as a way to control his wife, which is exactly what he is doing here.

I really despise grown men who sulk like a toddler when they don’t get their own way.

OP, he isn’t the loveliest man, far from it!