Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

602 replies

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:35

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

OP posts:
Daenerys77 · 21/03/2022 13:12

Why can't he visit his father's grave on some other date?

NeedleNoodle3 · 21/03/2022 13:12

Do you think he’s embarrassed he forgot it was his DF’s birthday when he booked the leave and now feels bad hence the odd behaviour?

AnnesBrokenSlate · 21/03/2022 13:12

I think you are both BU. He shouldn't have stormed out of the car but you have said you weren't bothered about a holiday but suddenly when the details may have to change, you have very firm ideas about it ie it has to be abroad, all inclusive on a beach for at least 10 days. Notwithstanding that sounds like a rubbish holiday with three small children

Grief isn't linear. I'd support my DP in any way they wanted. And rather than creating a flashpoint and drama, I'd look at ways to make it work so he could see his DM and mark the anniversary and we could have a holiday. None of this is unsurmountable. . . unless you want it to be.

OwlinaTree · 21/03/2022 13:13

I would imagine he got cross because he realised he'd fcked up with the dates, so he's blaming you for being unreasonable instead...*

I was going to post this. He's angry because he forgot, I'd put money on it.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 21/03/2022 13:13

His mother is behind it, piling on the pressure. Id say he's between a rock and a hard place, angry wife v grieving mother. Not sure what you can do tbh, but he needs to talk about it honestly and not gaslight you that this isn't a big deal for you.

Cherryadecooler · 21/03/2022 13:14

I think he is being massively unreasonable but then I can't understand the celebrations for loved ones once they've passed away after the funeral/wake.

Yes, think about them and raise a glass but life is about the living and I wouldn't want my grandchildren missing out on a holiday so someone comes to a grave to see me when I can no longer see them.

InaccurateDream · 21/03/2022 13:14

Some people, unfortunately, decide their grief is more special than other people's.

I'm aware this sounds very cold - but I'm talking about those people where you can never mentioned the loved one, because it is just too difficult, forever. Where every Christmas, every birthday, every holiday is difficult, forever. Years after the fact. When you realise you know an awful lot of people who have lost people. But only one person's grief has this special wall around it.

Your DH has fallen into this trap and it's making him forget that yes, he has a real family unit with the family he grew up with, but actually he also has a real family unit right now with people who depend on him and still have lives to live.

Rosehugger · 21/03/2022 13:16

My dad died in 2019, he doesn't have a grave to visit, and if he did, he certainly wouldn't want me to cancel a family holiday to do so. I will happily raise a glass to him wherever we are.

The living come first before the dead.

DameHelena · 21/03/2022 13:17

He's being U. He obviously knew (or can very reasonably be expected to know) when he booked his two weeks off that the dates would clash.
He didn't think about it at the time, realised later, and is taking it out on you.
Which is unacceptable.
You need a firm conversation.

ScribblingPixie · 21/03/2022 13:18

I wonder if it's guilt?
I would book a holiday with an easy flight or Eurostar journey back, and he can disappear off for a couple of nights and come back. You shouldn't give up your holiday but it wouldn't hurt to choose a place that meant he could do this too.

Comefromaway · 21/03/2022 13:20

Life is for the living, not the dead. It sounds like your husband needs help, but you must put yourself and your children first.

Quackpot · 21/03/2022 13:21

Book a holiday within driving distance so he can pop back for the day? Somewhere maybe 2 hours away so it's not excessive travelling but still far enough away to feel like a holiday?

Where I am we could book for say, Lake District or Blackpool and be able to pop home if it was necessary.

KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa · 21/03/2022 13:21

He's being ridiculous, his father is no longer here, you can't celebrate with someone who is gone. He should be putting his immediate family (wife and children) first. We are in the same boat, no holiday since 2019 and we can't bloody wait, we have 3 weeks abroad booked, it is so needed after the last couple of years, I'd be devastated if something meant our holiday couldn't go ahead. Your husband is being selfish and rude, the birthday couldnt have meant that much to him, he didnt realise when he booked your holiday that it clashed.

girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 13:21

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

His mother is behind it, piling on the pressure. Id say he's between a rock and a hard place, angry wife v grieving mother. Not sure what you can do tbh, but he needs to talk about it honestly and not gaslight you that this isn't a big deal for you.
Bingo! What do I win?

Poor defenceless man stuck between his wife and his mother, whatever should he do? It's not his fault that he got angry and kicked off in front of his children.

rwalker · 21/03/2022 13:22

"He honestly is the loveliest man, we are always his priority, great dad in every way, engaged with the kids, fully responsible"

Just let him have something for himself for once

StaplesCorner · 21/03/2022 13:23

That's bizarre. My H and I have lost all our parents, it affects me every day to be honest but I don't get to decide that we should all run our lives around anniversaries.

He doesn't sound very nice from his reaction. Fuck that OP Sad

AnnesBrokenSlate · 21/03/2022 13:23

All of the posters who don't care about anniversaries and don't visit graves, aren't really relevant for the OP. Her DH does care. And part of his reason for visiting is undoubtedly to support his DM - who is still alive Hmm

Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 13:24

@AnnesBrokenSlate

I think you are both BU. He shouldn't have stormed out of the car but you have said you weren't bothered about a holiday but suddenly when the details may have to change, you have very firm ideas about it ie it has to be abroad, all inclusive on a beach for at least 10 days. Notwithstanding that sounds like a rubbish holiday with three small children

Grief isn't linear. I'd support my DP in any way they wanted. And rather than creating a flashpoint and drama, I'd look at ways to make it work so he could see his DM and mark the anniversary and we could have a holiday. None of this is unsurmountable. . . unless you want it to be.

Sorry if I haven't been clear, I'm so angry I think I'm probably rambling. I very very much want a holiday, Normally im the one pushing to go away, where he would be happy either way, but this year he has been the massive driving force for the first time! I completely understand grief hits you in different ways, at different times but surely if the grieving party is being unreasonable at the expense of others you have to draw a line? I think that's what I'm struggling to understand whether I'm being unreasonable, but surely the grieving person can be wrong, for want of a better word? I couldn't take three kids under 7 on my own, it would be unmanageable practically, such as the swimming pool, and why should I? They want their father there not my parents helping me, and he should want to be there?
OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 21/03/2022 13:25

Thing is he casually announced it, then said we could talk about it another time. Thing is I bite and want to resolve things or they just linger, so whatever row it descended into was then my fault as I couldn't just let it go and talk about it another time.

Who made him the boss of you to tell you when and how you can discuss something (and a major thing he'd just landed on you at that)?

If you are completely honest with yourself OP, how much of his being 'a lovely man' is because he gets his own way? HE pushed for this holiday, I'm guessing HE was the one who said no house move, no pets. How often do you let things go, either because you genuinely think he's a lovely man so whatever he says you think can't be unreasonable, or because you think it's easier to accept what he says rather than make a fuss so you let him get on with it?

StaplesCorner · 21/03/2022 13:26

@InaccurateDream Some people, unfortunately, decide their grief is more special than other people' - that's summed up the thread for me.

That and @rwalker with Just let him have something for himself for once - you literally couldn't make it up.

Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 21/03/2022 13:27

DH knew the birthdate and holiday date: and now hes annoyed with himself for not realising , so hes making you out to be unreasonable so its " not his fault"
Is he going to make this pilgrimage every year?
( speaking as someone who lost loving DF very young and unexpectedly- life is for the living)
He should be prioritising making memories with his family who havent had a break in years!
Go on holiday, light a candle , say a prayer in chapel, if he must.

If hes still acting the goat : just go without him, take a friemd/sibling/parent to help you child wrangle.

Also, start putting your foot down with this storming off crap. Yes, men may not deal with emotions/bereheavement very well, but that for him to pay a therapist for or see his GP if hes realu not coping.

And i also wouldnt give AF what his family /friemds /collegues say about it - theyre not having to deal with him.

AnnieSnap · 21/03/2022 13:27

I think your DH is being unreasonable. Surely he can get together with his family for a celebration of his father’s life before your family holiday. Such things don’t have to be on the deceased person’s birthday.

MinnieMountain · 21/03/2022 13:28

He’s being unreasonable.
My DM died 18 months ago. It can still be hard at times- I’m feeling it particularly today- BUT life goes on.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 21/03/2022 13:30

@rwalker

"He honestly is the loveliest man, we are always his priority, great dad in every way, engaged with the kids, fully responsible"

Just let him have something for himself for once

oh please. he's not a martyr.
ivykaty44 · 21/03/2022 13:31

nothing surprises me any more on mums net

wanting to cancel a holiday to celebrate a FIL big birthday, when the father isn't even able to be there himself takes this to a new level