Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

[Celtic1hair]

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

Did he forget that it was his dads birthday when he booked the holiday? Surely if it is that important to him he wouldn't have booked the holiday in the first place.

@Henlie

Op…could it be that the real issue here is that your DH has realised how expensive a holiday abroad (all inc) is going to cost? And decided, for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to spend that kind of money. Hence he’s using the excuse that it’s his deceased father’s 70th birthday and needs to be at his graveside? 🤷‍♀️

It was the first thing I thought of when I read your initial post….and then subsequent posts.

Yeah I thought this too. My DH had a bit of a shock when we booked our first family AI holiday this year. He honestly thought it was going to be half the price it actually was.

@Skinnymimi

Hi OP. I am so sorry but I think in this case, I would go with my husband.

Why? Is there going to be big cake for FIL to blow out? As someone whose OH died a couple of years ago I think OP's husband is being very selfish, all he will do if he goes is remember his father, can't he do that with his wife and children? He may like to tell his children about the grandfather they'll never meet.

@User280905

I think you're sounding a bit awful tbh. My mil is dead, I've still got both my parents and my grandma so I would always let dh take the lead on his grieving, I did at the beginning and I still do now several years later. Quite random things sometimes upset him at quite random times, I can't work out why. But my time will come I guess, when my parents are no longer around.

But he wasn't grieving, was he? He'd entirely forgotten it was his dad's birthday when they arranged their annual leave so they could go on a two week holiday.

And now he's decided to stuff it up because his mum has reminded him it's his dad's birthday so he's lashing out at the OP because he feels so guilty he forgot.

Both my parents are dead and whilst I really miss them - nothing will bring them back. I would not sacrifice my children's enjoyment for one day, 4 years after the event. Perhaps you can suggest that you take the children on holiday and he can stay behind.

YANBU @Celtic1hair

It is very sad that your DH dad passed away early and I’m sure it is tough on him and your MIL. However, reminiscing the past should not trump living for the future.

I would suggest you take the children away yourself if he is still insistent on spending your precious holiday time sitting around a grave.

Sorry but people saying it’s been 4 years have you lost a parent. Honestly my husband lost his mum 12 years ago and his Dad 9 years ago. Our children are teens now and 100% if he wanted to do something now this long time after we would all agree that we would rearrange things no questions asked as his relationship with his mum was particularly close. I know he’s still heartbroken now as am I.

@Jamn50

Sorry but people saying it’s been 4 years have you lost a parent. Honestly my husband lost his mum 12 years ago and his Dad 9 years ago. Our children are teens now and 100% if he wanted to do something now this long time after we would all agree that we would rearrange things no questions asked as his relationship with his mum was particularly close. I know he’s still heartbroken now as am I.

Would you forget their birthdays and promise your children a holiday that meant you’d be away? Cos that’s what he’s done.

There’s so much irony in your DHs actions. He obviously cared deeply for his Dad and remembering him matters. For this, he sounds like a good guy. However, the best way to honour his Dads memory is to practice being a great father himself. And that means putting his family first and spending quality time with the kids on holiday. If his father had a say, would he most likely say, go on the bloody holiday and enjoy the wonderful times with your family? Does your DH ever speak of wonderful holiday memories with his Dad? Could you encourage him to connect with those and help him see that spending this time with his kids is more important that one day spent in a specific location remembering the dead.

@BobMortimersPetOwl

Emotions are fluid so he may well have thought a holiday would be the best thing but feel differently as it draws closer.

I think you're very unreasonable to prioritise anything over him being able to go to his father's grave on such a milestone day personally. Holidays can be had any time.

I completely disagree. It would have been my DF's 100th birthday this summer, if he was still alive I would probably be planning a celebration but as he died 9 years ago its a non-event as far as I'm concerned. We were close and I expect I will think of him on the day but I can do that from anywhere. The op has also made it clear that this holiday cannot be had any other time. OP - Speak to your DH. Did FIL put his memories of his late parents before his relationship with his son? Assuming the relationship they had was a good one, point out to DH that he needs to be as good to his own DC's as his DF was to him, is cancelling their chance of a holiday being a good Dad?

Has he acknowledged that he forgot about the his fathers birthday when he organised them booking leave for the holiday? That he messed up and now needs to fix it?

Are you hoping to go somewhere that he can get a cheap RyanAir flight back from for a day for the birthday?

No the cost isn't the issue, we have been well prepared to go without to manage to afford it. We are always open with money etc, absolutely he would raise these issues (always has in the past, so speaking from experience), I honestly believe he has just realised the date clash and decided his priority is marking the date at the grave. Its just the complete inability to see past this need, despite the cost to us as a family that gets to me, the months of pushing how important going away is and how he/we really needs it, to be less now.
I get that grief is wicked, and never really goes away, does it? Because that person is always gone and you will always miss them and regret they are not there, but I just don't think this approach is actually healthy and as pissed off as I am with him, I am really worried it's actually a sign of him not coping at all, as if any other issues are being focussed towards this, making this all consuming.
He is generally a really laid back, easy going bloke. I think he massively suffers low self esteem, and I know he feels guilty that his mother is not as close to the children as he would like because we moved away. But you cannot have a conversation about things like that because he takes it as a slight towards his family. For example, the family don't communicate much, if I point this out, saying that it's 50/50, we can all do our part to be more involved in each others life, he perceives this as me being unkind towards them rather than stopping him hold the burden of the guilt. Its nothing major, just trying to make clear that I feel he almost has to go above and beyond for these things as maybe he is already so guilty. But allowing it to continue at the expense of me and the kids is just enabling it isn't it, and not fair to us?

I doubt that fil would even want his son to miss long awaited and much needed time away with his young family in order to go and visit his grave, surely the loss of his father underlines the importance if spending the time with his family while he has them!

i would imagine he got cross because he realised he'd fcked up with the dates, so he's blaming you for being unreasonable instead...*

I think @northerncrumpet is bang on, here.

He needs to manage his diary better but my husband is also shit at this so I’m not shocked.

I’m pretty flabbergasted that anyone would think that visiting a lump of stone is more important than taking your little kids ok their first holiday in three years.

There are many ways to honour the dead. I’d ask him directly if he genuinely thinks this is what his dad would have wanted. Him standing sobbing by a graveside rather than on the beach with his kids. I know what I’d want for my kids.

@Mischance

I am widowed. There is absolutely no way that I would want any members of my family to miss out on anything whatsoever because of that. There have been significant anniversaries since his death, but we all carry on and mark these quietly in our own different ways.

It might be worth him asking his Mum what she thinks - for all he knows she might feel appalled at the idea of the family missing out on a holiday on her behalf. He needs to be open with her.

Totally agree. I would bang my childrens' heads together if they wanted to do what he plans and I think my late OH would feel exactly the same, I can almost hear him saying Oh, for God's sake...............

Go Sat-Sat or Sat-Fri - book flights and hotel separately (you might even save money) and if you don't then the additional cost is something DH will have to bear to make everyone happy. I really don't think this is insurmountable. Surely a 6 night break is better than nothing at all? I'd imagine it would be considerably cheaper than 10 nights

I lost my father, and I think he's being bonkers.

Of course he is going to be sad, of course he is going to want to reach out to his family on the day, and if all else was equal maybe popping over to see his mother would make sense. But if it fell on a work day, would he take the day off?

It is perfectly fine to exchange a phone message on the day and then do something else when you get back. If the father was alive you would likely not celebrate on the exact day if there was someone on holiday, why is it suddenly so immovable because he's dead?

@pepsirolla

I lost my father 4 years ago, grief is a terrible and strange thing. The so called stages do not happen in any formulaic way. One minute you think you ok and accepted it, then you are blindsided by seeing a face in a crowd or going to phone them about good news then realise split second later you Can't. Again. Ever...It can make you angry, unreasonable and acting like a child. I think he needs help before any holiday. Try to get him some bereavement counselling. Try to talk about it calmly, how much he means to you and why you want the holiday. Write a letter if easier. Losing a parent makes you realise your own mortality and as his dad died young he might be scared for himself. Yes he was unreasonable in his change of plans but he is probably struggling to cope and hiding his feelings

The problem is that this isn't only about his grief over his father's death. The OP says that he has a blind spot over anything to do with his birth family, and it seems from what she's said that while he's great most of the time, if anything comes up with them they are always the priority, not OP and their DCs. She can't say anything about them or he turns on her. And from what she's written this has always been the case, not just since his dad died.

think you're sounding a bit awful tbh. My mil is dead, I've still got both my parents and my grandma so I would always let dh take the lead on his grieving

When your time comes you might well realise he's ripped the piss a bit, tbh.

Totally agree. I would bang my childrens' heads together if they wanted to do what he plans and I think my late OH would feel exactly the same, I can almost hear him saying Oh, for God's sake...............

My dad would be the same. He always said 'celebrate the living, not the dead'

@Ohmybod

There’s so much irony in your DHs actions. He obviously cared deeply for his Dad and remembering him matters. For this, he sounds like a good guy. However, the best way to honour his Dads memory is to practice being a great father himself. And that means putting his family first and spending quality time with the kids on holiday. If his father had a say, would he most likely say, go on the bloody holiday and enjoy the wonderful times with your family? Does your DH ever speak of wonderful holiday memories with his Dad? Could you encourage him to connect with those and help him see that spending this time with his kids is more important that one day spent in a specific location remembering the dead.

I agree with this. Life is just too short and building memories and special times with your young childen is just as important as honouring the dead. Presumably he had to contact his office and book the dates himself for his leave as you both had to co-ordinate it.. so it really was a case of this memorable day not occuring to him. What stands out most is when he said to you that attending this event and cancelling this holiday it is what it is No. It is what he is making it. There are so many compromises around this situation, many already suggested on this thread. If it was a real life birthday, most people would ask the person if they minded if one celebrated just before or just after your holiday since the main consideration is that the family gathers and celebrates together. He could also then do the FB thing on the actual day. When on holiday if there was a big cathedral or interesting church we always went in and light candles for important people who had passed on and spoke to the DC about them ( but not dragging it out to an entire day thing) so we kept them in everyone's memories. What is worrying is that he doesn't seem to have any flexibility around this - maybe talk again when he's cooled down ?

you haven't booked yet. Kids are young. They won't give a poop for all inclusive - perhaps something the two of you can enjoy more when they're older. Maybe a compromise would be a UK based holiday. No need to compromise on the location - he can take a couple of days in the middle while you're on the beach to head back to his mum's house - cheaper and easier than a flight, and you'd still get your 10-14 days in

yanbu. His father is probably thinking what an idiot. Passing on a holiday with his family to visit a grave.

I would book all inclusive with kids clubs on the beach either with or without him.
We have had to go without so much in the last two years there is no way I would be missing out on another year's holiday in these circumstances.
If you get along I might offer for MIL to join you, then you can all remember FiL while doing something together rather then visiting his grave.