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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

602 replies

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:35

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

OP posts:
Scianel · 21/03/2022 12:43

This is absolutely ridiculous. And I say this as someone who lost my own father at a similar age.
Utterly selfish and self-indulgent of him when he has a wife and two young children.

BruceAndNosh · 21/03/2022 12:44

I always made sure I rang my mother on my late father's birthday and on the anniversary of his death. During one such call, she pointed out that she misses him all the time, and doesn't miss him any more or less on those particular days.

Your husband owes you an apology

C8H10N4O2 · 21/03/2022 12:46

Bit it's like talking to a wall, or a childish toddler who stomps off. I was starting to doubt myself in believing I was completely unreasonable and spoilt for wanting a family holiday we had been looking forward to

You say up thread that normally he is great but is that because he generally does get his way? You have postponed major items to fit into this holiday plan at his behest, now you have to cancel the holiday at his behest.

When do you get final say or do you generally fall in with his plans rather than just when its his family involved?

phishy · 21/03/2022 12:48

So everyone else has to lie at the altar of DH's guilt about forgetting the anniversary?

Not a chance. Go without him, OP, could another family member take his place?

billy1966 · 21/03/2022 12:49

@implantreplace

* It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.*

The holiday issue really shouldn’t be your focus
This response, however, should be

This is not the behaviour of a good husband or father.

This is the behaviour of a shit husband and a shit father.

The holiday is the least of your worries.

Him storming off and leaving you with three children is disgraceful behaviour and the actions of a petulant waster.

He is a loser OP.

Focus on the real issue.

Any man who stormed off and left me with our children on my own, would find the key in the door and wouldn't be coming back in until it was sorted out.

Your bar is low if you accept this.

He sounds like a spoiled brat.

WickedStepmomNOT · 21/03/2022 12:51

@Celtic1hair

Me and my mother in law aren't close at all. Honestly it's not even something I would be able to talk to her about
That's a pity because I was going to suggest asking her on the holiday with you. That way dh can celebrate with her on the actual day but all of you get the holiday.
heldinadream · 21/03/2022 12:51

Has he grieved properly OP? Or does he feel guilt that his mother is now alone and he doesn't support her enough or something?

Because his response to this is vastly out of proportion. YANBU at all. He is. But it seems he can't see it. So something else is going on if he's normally reasonable sane and reasonable.

Can you ask him these kind of questions - at a distance if he gets too upset and can't engage calmly? Don't give in to his narrative that you're in the wrong, you're not. Apart from anything else it's four years ago. Not four weeks.

WickedStepmomNOT · 21/03/2022 12:52

Oops, cross post - sorry @Crunched, looks like we had the same idea.

whynotwhatknot · 21/03/2022 12:53

Hes being ridiculous

i lost my dm we usually get together on her birthday but if someone is busy/away we dont its not set in stone so to speak

very selfish of him to let you book annual leave then say he cant go

GlitteryGreen · 21/03/2022 12:53

It sounds to me like he has probably been approached by his mother or someone else in the family about this, as he obviously would have known his dad's birthday fell within those 2 weeks you've booked off.

It's not ideal but I'd maybe look at doing the holiday either Saturday-Saturday as others have said, or even after that Sunday, so Monday - Saturday/Sunday in the 2nd week.

I do agree he's being annoying as he should have thought about this before he chose those specific 2 weeks to have off, but I don't think he's going to change his mind on this by the sounds of it.

Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 12:55

Re taking mother in law, she has two other children who live locally, she's not on her own. And I had previously suggested a holiday involving her and my parents so she'd have a break and he said no, he wanted time just the 5 of us.
No generally we are completely on the same page, he is easy going and kind. Until his family are involved and I fear his grief is becoming an untouchable subject. Its not a competition, there are no wrong or right ways and normally I just respect issues that come up along side it, try and be supportive but this is just taking the piss. If he can have a complete personality transplant like this, I just feel there's more to it, and as awful as it sounds I feel like he can't just do as he pleases in the name of his father and can't be called out on it without being the bitch

OP posts:
AskItaliano · 21/03/2022 12:57

YANBU.

I would be suspicious tbh, when you were discussing the holiday he won't have just suddenly forgotten his dad's death anniversary date. Someone who feels that strongly about the specific date four years on isn't gonna just forget it. And if he did? That's not your problem ffs, he was the instigator for the holiday.

It seems to me a bit deliberate, is there a reason he needs you and the kids gone so he can be alone around that time do you think?

I've lost a parent and as hard as it is, by year four honestly it's a bit unbelievable that visiting the grave on the date is more important to him than a family holiday spending time with his children. It doesn't make sense at all.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 21/03/2022 12:58

It sounds like he probably didn't realise then it's been brought back to him or another family member has made him feel attacked and he's possibly feeling guilt to both you and the kids and to his mum so gone on the defensive, by the feeling of your post you were disappointed ( understandably so when looking forward to something planned together) you both had time to cool off so try resolve it together now

ChannelLightVessel · 21/03/2022 12:59

My DF died 11 years ago, in his 60s. I am and always will be very conscious of his birthday and the date of his death. Sometimes DM, with or without other family members, goes to his grave (he had a woodland burial) and my paternal family’s ancestral village on or near those dates. But, as she says, we miss him all the time, not just on particular days, and I know for certain that my DF would never have wanted commemoration of him to get in the way of happy times for the grandchildren he loved. I have a strong suspicion that neither your late FIL nor your MIL would want you to miss a much-anticipated summer holiday, but getting your DH to see this is obviously the issue. You say you are not close to your MIL. Is there any other member of your DH’s family you could enlist in your support? Or can you calmly make the point that FIL would have loved the idea of the two of you and your DC having fun together, not moping around his grave?

Nanny0gg · 21/03/2022 12:59

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

It's also extremely morbid. I'd HATE my DS to do this on my birthday after I've died - I'd like him to let me go and get on with his life. Maybe a few minutes of quiet reflection but that's it. And you can do that anywhere.
Me too.

Which is what I do for my parents.

moonbedazzled · 21/03/2022 13:00

We hadn't booked yet, going to get round to it in the next few weeks.

You're mot intending to book for another few weeks yet so I'd let it settle for now. He'll be thinking about what you've said and if he's as reasonable as you say, he'll likely come to realise that he can think and pay tribute to dad wherever he is.
He might be feeling guilt for not spending the day with his mum and this has come out in anger. We do behave strangely when we're grieving.

Nanny0gg · 21/03/2022 13:02

@Celtic1hair

Re taking mother in law, she has two other children who live locally, she's not on her own. And I had previously suggested a holiday involving her and my parents so she'd have a break and he said no, he wanted time just the 5 of us. No generally we are completely on the same page, he is easy going and kind. Until his family are involved and I fear his grief is becoming an untouchable subject. Its not a competition, there are no wrong or right ways and normally I just respect issues that come up along side it, try and be supportive but this is just taking the piss. If he can have a complete personality transplant like this, I just feel there's more to it, and as awful as it sounds I feel like he can't just do as he pleases in the name of his father and can't be called out on it without being the bitch
I'm probably quite cold-hearted about this sort of grief but I do sometime feel that making a big thing about the anniversaries of deaths is a little bit of a 'performance'.

Grief is personal and can be felt anywhere. So can remembrance.

His living family should come first

Holly60 · 21/03/2022 13:02

@Celtic1hair

I know the UK has many gorgeous places, have happily spent many of our holidays in UK. But this year was meant to be abroad, all inclusive on the beach! Its as much him that wants it as anyone! Obviously I don't want to go into detail because I don't want to disclose too much info that could be outing, but nowhere really suitable near where his family lives. Not sure about pressure from MIL, I honestly doubt she has mentioned it. It comes from himself.
How do you get on with his mum? Could she come too/come for part of it (4 days or so) over the anniversary so they are together for that?

As a mum of adult children (DD and DS) I would never let them miss a holiday with their families for this. But I do love to be invited along for at least a few days Grin

Holly60 · 21/03/2022 13:04

That sounds terrible, like i turn up on all their holidays. I don’t at all, but we do all go away together relatively frequently and it is lovely

Juniper68 · 21/03/2022 13:06

I'd not discuss it any more with him. See if he starts a dialogue?

Plus I'd probably organise a holiday with a friend and just go with them and dcs. Or just me and friend for a weekend? Get a breather. Leave him with dcs.

Ionacat · 21/03/2022 13:08

I’ve lost both of my parents and they were in their early sixties. I miss them all the time but for various reasons we don’t do anything special on their birthdays - they clash with other special occasions. My parents would haunt me forever more if we didn’t celebrate these other occasions! However that’s just me.

This reaction after 4 years is quite extreme and it sounds potentially like he has never really dealt with his grief and maybe needs to consider some bereavement counselling. It could be tied up with all sorts of family issues. Grief is a funny thing and affects us differently but it is a process that everyone needs to go through to learn to live with it.

AliceW89 · 21/03/2022 13:09

I can see both sides, although I overall think a holiday is more important. I’m sure it’ll split opinions.

What I’m more shocked over is this lead to a blazing row, him storming out, you pitching up at your parents and him messaging you to carry on the argument. Is your relationship always this volatile? Is there no ground for discussion?

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/03/2022 13:10

Tricky

I get he misses his dad, does he usually celebrate his birthday or just as this will be a 60/70/80 birthday

My mum has been dead nearly 8yrs , we are always away on her birthday, bar lost 2yrs due covid

When alive I would call her snd sing happy birthday from holiday

Now

I always raise a glass to her in the sun and call my dad

He wouldn’t want us to miss a holiday and neither would my mum

To turn down a holiday fir one day seems insane

Clymene · 21/03/2022 13:11

I would be horrified if my son cancelled his only family holiday to spend a day with me to grieve his dead father several years after his death.

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 21/03/2022 13:11

@Clymene

Oh I see! He had forgotten his dad's birthday. And now he's making a massive fuss because he feels guilty.

What a pillock

I'd put money on this.